Romance in the eyes of an aromantic (me) (Possible text wall of doom warning!)

[TheKindredSoul]

Romance, romance, romance, it is everywhere in society. In books, movies (even the ones for children!), religion, etc. It is ranked higher, if not the same, as sex. All the other loves seem to not matter when you find this mysterious legendary love that seems to surpass others for most people. I still cannot believe people put rankings on love! Not to judge or anything, but I find that really interesting.

I do not know what romance is. The dictionary definition is unreliable and very vague to me. When people try to explain it to me, I am tossed into confusion.

It isn't worth trying to find out what it is anymore, so I just call it love. Once you think about it, all love is virtually the same when you take out the label in front of it. They are built from the same elements: kindness, honesty, loyalty, generosity, magic (just a joke, I cannot be too serious all the time you know) caring, etc. Sure, maybe they are expressed differently, because you cannot love your dog/cat the same as you love your spouse, whether that be sexually or romantically, but once you look at the basic elements of every kind of love, they all are the same.

I cannot see romance in anything. People see typical romantic things as being romantic, like the typical box of chocolates and roses for your sweetheart on Valentines Day, candle-lit dinners, movie nights, arms wrapped around each other watching the sun settle its sleepy head over the horizon, watching cherry blossoms fall (hanami), but I cannot see anything romantic about anything. I can see those things as being a nice thing to do with someone, but as for romantic, no. Romantic+ me= mind cannot compute. I know romance means different things for different people, like these things probably aren't romantic to some people. Some people may see a...dead animal present as being romantic (oh my goodness why did I use that as an example!?) rather than a crystalline diamond. As for me, I cannot see romance at all.

I'm aromantic, but I do get admirations (you can call that a squish). Those admirations have no connection with romance. I do become really shy around the person and become highly self-conscious and nervous, but that is because I see that person as so amazing and I am unworthy. My admirations (or squishes) are always on people way older than me, and I see them as a wise teacher or guider, and I look up to them highly. My admirations are father or mother figures to me. I look up to them for advice. The other two squishes didn't work out so well, but the squish that I have now really likes me and acknowledges how much I look up to her. I really like her.

[Chveya]

You have an interesting perspective - thank you for writing all of that. I see now that it must be kind of weird from the outside :P

[Hexagon]

I agree. I don't really have anything to add. But I can really identify with what you say, none of it makes sense to me.

[the-letter-a]

I've just realised that I'm aromantic and kind of have the same views as you do about romance, I just don't see it like other people do. It feels as if romance is just what is expected of people nowadays which could be because of the way media is influencing the idea of romance. I can never imagine myself being in one of those cliche lovey dovey relationships that teenage girls seem to crave for.

[BKAce]

I feel the same way about romance and what annoys me the most is when people ask me if I have "someone" (as if all the people in my life aren't!) and I say "I'm not interested," they say "why? don't you have feelings?"

I'm romantic in the sense that I'm a sensitive dreamer, I like emotions/feelings and tend to observe and express them, I like nature, contemplating its beauty and such, I'm very imaginative...

But I'm aromantic in the sense that my mind doesn't compute love relationships and Hollywood romance (flowers, weddings, candlelit dinners...)and how the "significant other" becomes the most important person/relationship/focus in a person's life. I have many loving people in my life (friends and family) and I love each and every one of them uniquely, in a special way and that's very satisfying to me.

[ithaca]

I feel the same way about romance and what annoys me the most is when people ask me if I have "someone" (as if all the people in my life aren't!) and I say "I'm not interested," they say "why? don't you have feelings?"

I'm romantic in the sense that I'm a sensitive dreamer, I like emotions/feelings and tend to observe and express them, I like nature, contemplating its beauty and such, I'm very imaginative...

But I'm aromantic in the sense that my mind doesn't compute love relationships and Hollywood romance (flowers, weddings, candlelit dinners...)and how the "significant other" becomes the most important person/relationship/focus in a person's life. I have many loving people in my life (friends and family) and I love each and every one of them uniquely, in a special way and that's very satisfying to me.

When I think of it this way, I'm definitely aromantic too.

[Starr]

I'm in the aromantic spectrum and I'm the opposite of you OP.

I tend to blow romance out of proportion and out of realistic terms ( like delusionally hoping for a partner who is sweet and gentle 24/7 ).

I very much like the idea of romance and someone being romantic to me but in reality I am very different from this.

[helana12_03]

I find it hard to understand what people find in romance...

[Kitty Spoon Train]

But I'm aromantic in the sense that my mind doesn't compute love relationships and Hollywood romance (flowers, weddings, candlelit dinners...)and how the "significant other" becomes the most important person/relationship/focus in a person's life. I have many loving people in my life (friends and family) and I love each and every one of them uniquely, in a special way and that's very satisfying to me.

Looking at that, I could probably qualify as aromantic on paper too...

I'm pretty sure I experience romantic attraction as something unique and different to standard familiar and friendly socialisation, but my mind just doesn't seem to "put romance on a pedestal" in the kind of exclusive and absolute way that most people seem to. It wants to treat it as a type of close and cuddly friendship essentially.

Ack, every time I think that I'm definitely not aromantic but simply a special independent kind of romantic - I read something that makes me wonder if I'm a bit towards the aromantic spectrum.

[Bye Bye Birdy]

x

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Do you really think most people think of romantic relationships that way? Maybe I'm giving people too much credit (that would be the day), but I really do think a lot of people take a more pragmatic approach to relationships. Among the people I hang out with, ditching your friends and family to spend all your time and energy with your SO is seen as a poorly balanced life.

I don't think I explained it well enough. Basically, I meant "treat it as a type of close and cuddly friendship" literally. :lol:

Another way to put it is: My "romantic drive" seems to naturally be satisfied by relationships that are at the level of cuddle buddy / romantic friendship. Anything beyond that tends to feel forced, awkward and unnatural. That's not to say that under the right circumstances I wouldn't get into a relationship that looks pretty standard from the outside, but my mind still processes it as "one among many", rather than something that needs to be special and unique and on a pedestal at the centre of my life, above the rest. Either friends, or other potential "partners" of that level, etc.

This is part of the reason why polyamory feels very natural to me - because confining romantic love to one person essentially feels like a friend saying you can't have any other friends.

I'm pretty sure there is something in here that I'm processing a bit differently from most romantics, but I just can't put my finger on it.

[BKAce]

Do you really think most people think of romantic relationships that way? Maybe I'm giving people too much credit (that would be the day), but I really do think a lot of people take a more pragmatic approach to relationships. Among the people I hang out with, ditching your friends and family to spend all your time and energy with your SO is seen as a poorly balanced life.

I don't think I explained it well enough. Basically, I meant "treat it as a type of close and cuddly friendship" literally. :lol:

Another way to put it is: My "romantic drive" seems to naturally be satisfied by relationships that are at the level of cuddle buddy / romantic friendship. Anything beyond that tends to feel forced, awkward and unnatural. That's not to say that under the right circumstances I wouldn't get into a relationship that looks pretty standard from the outside, but my mind still processes it as "one among many", rather than something that needs to be special and unique and on a pedestal at the centre of my life, above the rest. Either friends, or other potential "partners" of that level, etc.

This is part of the reason why polyamory feels very natural to me - because confining romantic love to one person essentially feels like a friend saying you can't have any other friends.

I'm pretty sure there is something in here that I'm processing a bit differently from most romantics, but I just can't put my finger on it.

Unfortunately within my society as whole(and not just the people I hang out with), "ditching your friends and family to spend all your time and energy with your SO is seen as" the norm and when you happen to hang out with friends, that relationship is all you talk about and it's "normal" for people to be understanding and give the subject more importance than say "worrying about my mother 's health." *sigh*

I'm definitely more tolerant of romantic relationships when they're like Guzica describes them and not given priority over everything else. But I've rarely seen that and when I do, the persons involved are considered "unfeeling" or not really "in love."

[Bye Bye Birdy]

Do you really think most people think of romantic relationships that way? Maybe I'm giving people too much credit (that would be the day), but I really do think a lot of people take a more pragmatic approach to relationships. Among the people I hang out with, ditching your friends and family to spend all your time and energy with your SO is seen as a poorly balanced life.

I don't think I explained it well enough. Basically, I meant "treat it as a type of close and cuddly friendship" literally. :lol:

Ah, thanks for the clarification.

[Standards]

I'm aromantic, but I do get admirations (you can call that a squish). Those admirations have no connection with romance. I do become really shy around the person and become highly self-conscious and nervous, but that is because I see that person as so amazing and I am unworthy. My admirations (or squishes) are always on people way older than me, and I see them as a wise teacher or guider, and I look up to them highly. My admirations are father or mother figures to me. I look up to them for advice. The other two squishes didn't work out so well, but the squish that I have now really likes me and acknowledges how much I look up to her. I really like her.

I'm the same. If I care about someone, I look up to them as a father/mother/sibling type figure. Maybe a really close friend. Something like that. I feel closer to them than anyone else, and I doubt they understand because they have their own 'normal' relationships. I can be nervous around them and not understand why (after all, I trust them. And I know that I don't feel anything romantic or sexual about them), but I don't feel self-concious. That's good, because a friend who is romantic and sexual seems to think that feeling self-conscious around someone you like is a sign of sexual attraction. I guess she's wrong.

[FrozenCherry]

I dont see spesific things like getting chocolate romantic. I think it is same what ever liked action or thing that is but what makes it romantic is that he wanted to do that for me/to me/with me.

[Guest_49836]

I think romanticism to me describes a feeling you get when you feel deep emotions of love towards something. Romanticism is like that expression. Something that heightens your sense of caring, understanding and maybe even trust.

Maybe the ring or chocolate helps the receiver establish a deeper sense of self-love similar to how some people enjoy nature, play sports or create art.

Romanticism is the act of expressing love, conveying it... if a child spent an hour making you a get-well card... it would probably make you happy because you feel the love. It's never the same flavor of love, but what is really important to you is not the constellation of paper, ink, crayon, glitter and macaroni, it's the child's emotions and love for you. If I gave you a get-well card I spend hours on right now I doubt it would mean anything. I think you just have a different taste in expressing love, that's all. ;) Just because lots of people love the taste of fastfood doesn't mean it's the only experssion of nourishment out there, no?

I mean this is just a comment, this is just my subejective understanding of the word "romanticism", how do yours compare or relate? :)

What enhances your feeling of love?