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Aromantic Sexual


Demishan

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What views do you have on Aromantic Sexuals? Is this something you see as common or something quite rare? I am an aromantic sexual and I haven't yet managed to meet another on here. (If you are, speak up! We should chat!)

Any and all views, I wont take offence, promise. I'll try to answer and question about stuff too.

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I know one other person who describes themselves as such and they are actually now one of my best homebiscuits. So my thoughts? If that is what you are that is what you are.

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Nameless123

Hi Demishan,

I'm more along the lines of a (somewhat) aromantic asexual, so we have the aromantic side of things in common at least. I can't say I have given much thought to aromantic sexuals, but I don't think they are quite that rare and I believe I have seen others like you here on AVEN before. I think I've met an aromantic sexual woman once in the real world who would tell me about her sexual adventures and that she would always tell the guys to back off the moment they were trying to get closer. She never used the term "aromantic", though (which doesn't surprise me).

Apart from that I think it's as valid an orientation as any other.

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I don't really think anything of them. They are another variation of sexuality. You probably won't find too many around AVEN though, given that if you are sexual being aromantic isn't an issue that would drive many people here and that you wouldn't often be the partner of an asexual to come here for that reason.

I expect a lot of the people you see "out on the pull" are aromantic sexuals (sex without commitment) although not all people who are promiscuous are aromantic (and indeed, not all aromantics are promiscuous). In that way, it is probably a lot easier to be aromantic if you are also sexual because although you may still get people asking you when you are thinking about settling down etc, at least you will be "normal" in the bedroom needs department.

So rarity... I don't think it is rare at all. Whether or not the rate of aromanticism/grey or demi romanticism is lower, higher or the same as in the asexual spectrum I have no idea, it's just that we here label it and place more importance on it in our identities.

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Sockstealingnome

I think that hookup culture must be perfect for all the aromantic sexuals out there. The only downside seems to be as you get older and more and more people look to settle down.

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**Possibly TMI**

Well... I'm more or less of an Aromantic Sexual (On the gray side), however I definitely have to say I find more in common with Asexuals, than "typical Sexuals". I have a minimal degree of physical attraction towards both sexes, but my aromanticism, and lack of a sex drive don't give me any urge to have sexual feelings, usually. I can get sexual fantasies about characters I cook up in my imagination, but IRL, I'm not so sure I'd be OK with actually doing anything with them. :ph34r:

At first, probably the big reason why I identified with the Asexuality spectrum was due to how I essentially lacked any romantic attraction towards anyone, and didn't date at all.

In my younger years, I sort of thought people were attracted romantically at first, and later on sexual attraction would come in. :unsure:

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They exist, I've seen a few about, and I find that my aromanticism impacts me more than my asexuality so I'm always interested to read about their expieriences.

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Jillianimal

Not much. Just another part of human diversity. It would be nice if it was more recognized of course, along with other (dual) identities. I have a hunch that the person I have a crush on may be one though, so that's pretty bittersweet....mostly just bitter if he doesn't embrace the aromantic identity/community.

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I'm one of them. There are a few floating around AVEN - if you'd like to PM me about it, go ahead. There are a couple on AroPlane as well, but most people don't know what aromantic means, so it's hard to determine how many of us are out there. I don't think it's that rare, but I also think people (especially girls) are conditioned to think of sex only within a relationship. One night stands are still looked at unfavorably, as are f--- buddies and friends with benefits. Makes it harder to identify people who would prefer to do anything other than the mainstream romantic relationship+sex.

I think that hookup culture must be perfect for all the aromantic sexuals out there. The only downside seems to be as you get older and more and more people look to settle down.

There are a lot of stereotypes about sexy aros out there... Honestly, if I were a guy, it would be awesome. But I'm not. I'm a girl, so I get called everything from slut to prostitute, in addition to the aro ones like robot and emotionless. Shrug. Every group has their problems. Ours may or may not be slut-shaming and STDs.

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I must admit, it is nice to communicate with other asexual aromantics, it invites a greater freedom into your thought processes.

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Hi, I call myself an aromantic sexual. About hookup culture - it depends who you are, I guess. Like maven said, most males probably have it easier than most females. Unfortunately, before I even knew hookups happened in real life, I decided people were just crazy when it came to sex and I'd be safest staying away from anything remotely sexual with anyone. So I never did overcome my suspicions enough to get any good from it.

Then I understand there are sexyaros who have sexual relationships that aren't romantic.

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Janus the Fox

I believe that Aromantic sexuals are more common then we think. Not great for long term romantic relationships but generally people that are only into sex, and perhaps little else. Maybe few will ever realize the disconnect from romantic and sexual feelings. Perhaps an example from fiction... Quagmire from Family Guy sounds fitting...:unsure: 

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"generally people that are only into sex, and perhaps little else".

Whoa. That's quite the generalization.

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Nameless123

"generally people that are only into sex, and perhaps little else".

Whoa. That's quite the generalization.

I think DarkTails meant that as in "not much into the romantic side of things", not that aromantic sexuals have nothing in their heads but sex.

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Sockstealingnome

I think that hookup culture must be perfect for all the aromantic sexuals out there. The only downside seems to be as you get older and more and more people look to settle down.

There are a lot of stereotypes about sexy aros out there... Honestly, if I were a guy, it would be awesome. But I'm not. I'm a girl, so I get called everything from slut to prostitute, in addition to the aro ones like robot and emotionless. Shrug. Every group has their problems. Ours may or may not be slut-shaming and STDs.

Oh I don't doubt there's a whole lot of slut shaming going around. I just meant that it's much easier to get sex without having to worry about going through romantic aspects, and with modern contraception, the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STD's aren't nearly as high as they used to be. I do have a question to female aromantic sexuals who hookup. Do you find that guys (or girls too, I guess, if you swing that way) are more likely to treat you like crap or some kind of hooker once you've slept with them?

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I think we should also remember that aromantic sexuals can be and can want to be in relationships (queerplatonic or what have you) just as much as aromantic asexuals. We've always known that sexuals and asexuals don't have different emotional needs, right? :unsure:

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Janus the Fox

"generally people that are only into sex, and perhaps little else".

Whoa. That's quite the generalization.

That was not ment to be a generalization, it is ment to mean people with that orientation setup are perhaps more sex focused in relationships, rather romantic ones. It did not imply people of that setup are sex maniacs.   

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Midnight Lady

Before I looked more into this stuff, I used to think that all my exes were NOT romantic (which IS aromantic, right?). But on the other hand, I am very romantic - I need that "high" which Romantic aspect gives to people (dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine). Maybe, all my exes just needed it in smaller doses? Or maybe, they WERE aromantics... Everything is relative to a person...

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I think that hookup culture must be perfect for all the aromantic sexuals out there. The only downside seems to be as you get older and more and more people look to settle down.

There are a lot of stereotypes about sexy aros out there... Honestly, if I were a guy, it would be awesome. But I'm not. I'm a girl, so I get called everything from slut to prostitute, in addition to the aro ones like robot and emotionless. Shrug. Every group has their problems. Ours may or may not be slut-shaming and STDs.

Oh I don't doubt there's a whole lot of slut shaming going around. I just meant that it's much easier to get sex without having to worry about going through romantic aspects, and with modern contraception, the risk of unwanted pregnancy and STD's aren't nearly as high as they used to be. I do have a question to female aromantic sexuals who hookup. Do you find that guys (or girls too, I guess, if you swing that way) are more likely to treat you like crap or some kind of hooker once you've slept with them?

I don't know if it's "easier" - easier than it was 20 years ago? Probably. Easy in general? Not particularly. There are practical concerns, like the ones you mentioned (pregnancy and STDs) and additional ones like safety and a ruined reputation... To some extent, it's probably "easier" for an aromantic sexual to have sex through a relationship-type setting because the practical concerns are almost entirely negated (no worries about coming off as a slut, you'll have visited their place and know it's safe plus won't feel awk about telling friends where you are, you have time to consider and start taking the best form of contraception for you, you have the time to talk about things like past partners and STDs). You also have a steady partner and don't have to keep looking for people to have sex with. (note: I'm not condoning lying to a partner about romantic feelings just to have a safe companion for sex, just pointing out the facts.) If people's mindset towards casual sex changes over the years, continuing on the trend of making it more acceptable, it will be easier 20 or 50 years from now.

As for being treated like a hooker or crap from the people you sleep with... well, sex is a two (or more) person activity, it's not like they didn't play a part of it too. I've never gotten anything of that sort from any guy I've slept with, tbh. Part of it might be because they're hoping you'll come back so they can score again. The other part might be I leave before they say anything. :lol: The hooker/escort comments are more likely to come from people who gain word about the hook-up, either your friends or his or the random people next door. I'm guessing if I ever ran into the guys I've hooked up with again, or the girlfriends/wives/partners of those guys, I might be in for some looks of disdain, just based on the way my friends have talked about the girls their bfs hooked up with before they got together.

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Sockstealingnome

As for being treated like a hooker or crap from the people you sleep with... well, sex is a two (or more) person activity, it's not like they didn't play a part of it too. I've never gotten anything of that sort from any guy I've slept with, tbh. Part of it might be because they're hoping you'll come back so they can score again. The other part might be I leave before they say anything. :lol: The hooker/escort comments are more likely to come from people who gain word about the hook-up, either your friends or his or the random people next door. I'm guessing if I ever ran into the guys I've hooked up with again, or the girlfriends/wives/partners of those guys, I might be in for some looks of disdain, just based on the way my friends have talked about the girls their bfs hooked up with before they got together.

Oh I suppose that experience is just my friend then. One of her ex-boyfriends asked if she'd be willing to sleep with one of his friends for payment, and for any guy she starts talking to, all of his friends start trying to get with her on the side. I guess she just really knows how to pick 'em.

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As for being treated like a hooker or crap from the people you sleep with... well, sex is a two (or more) person activity, it's not like they didn't play a part of it too. I've never gotten anything of that sort from any guy I've slept with, tbh. Part of it might be because they're hoping you'll come back so they can score again. The other part might be I leave before they say anything. :lol: The hooker/escort comments are more likely to come from people who gain word about the hook-up, either your friends or his or the random people next door. I'm guessing if I ever ran into the guys I've hooked up with again, or the girlfriends/wives/partners of those guys, I might be in for some looks of disdain, just based on the way my friends have talked about the girls their bfs hooked up with before they got together.

Oh I suppose that experience is just my friend then. One of her ex-boyfriends asked if she'd be willing to sleep with one of his friends for payment, and for any guy she starts talking to, all of his friends start trying to get with her on the side. I guess she just really knows how to pick 'em.

That's awful. Absolutely awful. There would have been a bloody nose involved if an ex-boyfriend (or anyone else!!) had wanted to dole me out as a prostitute. :angry:

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I dunno, bit of an odd mix.

A life of simple pleasure seems a bit un-fulfilling but then again I'm Asexual Aromantic and shouldn't judge on that :P

Nothing stopping me from wanting a companionship, so i guess the same can be said for the aromantic sexuals :P

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From my observing there is probably quite a lot of aromantic sexuals but many of them try to have "normal" relationships because society demands it and their relationships doesn´t work ´cause they are just uninterested in them. I think aromantic sexuals usually don´t know about aromanticism at all. It´s even less known than asexuality.

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I dunno, bit of an odd mix.

A life of simple pleasure seems a bit un-fulfilling but then again I'm Asexual Aromantic and shouldn't judge on that :P

Nothing stopping me from wanting a companionship, so i guess the same can be said for the aromantic sexuals :P

What makes life fulfilling? I don't mean to sound accusative or defensive, but the idea that an aromantic sexual (or a sexual in general) fills their life with "simple pleasure" (which I'm assuming you meant to use as a euphemism for casual sex) and that somehow makes their life worth less than someone who is in a committed romantic relationship is crazy. And I'm sure you know most of us are not sex addicts, we do other things besides having sex all day, such as giving money to the poor and saving the world.

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LittleTommy

From my observing there is probably quite a lot of aromantic sexuals but many of them try to have "normal" relationships because society demands it and their relationships doesn´t work ´cause they are just uninterested in them. I think aromantic sexuals usually don´t know about aromanticism at all. It´s even less known than asexuality.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Sexual urges can be overwhelmingly powerful to some, and could easily fool people into believing that they were in love when they were just in the grip of physical attraction.

Example:

So.. an aromantic sexual male enters into a relationship that centers around sex, fools himself into thinking that he's in love because he's pretty happy at first, marries, and then loses interest in the sex and the friendship associated with his wife.

Divorce (with or without adultery) ensues, rinse, wash, and repeat.

I certainly have seen any number of heterosexual couples where the above would explain what they have done over the years.

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**Possibly TMI**

Well... I'm more or less of an Aromantic Sexual (On the gray side), however I definitely have to say I find more in common with Asexuals, than "typical Sexuals". I have a minimal degree of physical attraction towards both sexes, but my aromanticism, and lack of a sex drive don't give me any urge to have sexual feelings, usually. I can get sexual fantasies about characters I cook up in my imagination, but IRL, I'm not so sure I'd be OK with actually doing anything with them. :ph34r:

At first, probably the big reason why I identified with the Asexuality spectrum was due to how I essentially lacked any romantic attraction towards anyone, and didn't date at all.

Me too! Although I just feel attraction towards males, rather than males and females. Also, for me, there are often not actual characters in fantasies. I guess that I'm a very dark shade of grey.

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I dunno, bit of an odd mix.

A life of simple pleasure seems a bit un-fulfilling but then again I'm Asexual Aromantic and shouldn't judge on that :P

Nothing stopping me from wanting a companionship, so i guess the same can be said for the aromantic sexuals :P

What makes life fulfilling? I don't mean to sound accusative or defensive, but the idea that an aromantic sexual (or a sexual in general) fills their life with "simple pleasure" (which I'm assuming you meant to use as a euphemism for casual sex) and that somehow makes their life worth less than someone who is in a committed romantic relationship is crazy. And I'm sure you know most of us are not sex addicts, we do other things besides having sex all day, such as giving money to the poor and saving the world.

Yes, and we do things like read, pursue hobbies, create art, hold jobs - all the ordinary things that anyone else does when they aren't alone with a romantic partner. Sex can be part of your life without being the part you care about most. Besides, as has already been pointed out, casual sex may be simple to enjoy, but in our society it isn't simple to find, except for a few people, in a few places, for a little bit of their life. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with simple pleasure. It's better than pain, anyway. My apologies for preaching, especially if I'm preaching to the choir. Sometimes things need to be said, just in case.

From my observing there is probably quite a lot of aromantic sexuals but many of them try to have "normal" relationships because society demands it and their relationships doesn´t work ´cause they are just uninterested in them. I think aromantic sexuals usually don´t know about aromanticism at all. It´s even less known than asexuality.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Sexual urges can be overwhelmingly powerful to some, and could easily fool people into believing that they were in love when they were just in the grip of physical attraction.

Example:

So.. an aromantic sexual male enters into a relationship that centers around sex, fools himself into thinking that he's in love because he's pretty happy at first, marries, and then loses interest in the sex and the friendship associated with his wife.

Divorce (with or without adultery) ensues, rinse, wash, and repeat.

I certainly have seen any number of heterosexual couples where the above would explain what they have done over the years.

It could be this happens sometimes. All the same, it's hard for me to imagine ever mistaking a physical attraction for a social one, just because people's bodies and people's minds seem like such different things to me. I imagine what confuses some people is the expectation that you're going to marry someone in the end, and that you're going to have sex with the person you marry. Without that expectation, I doubt any physical urge would look like love, no matter how strong it was.

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My best friend is a sexual aromantic, so yes! They do exist. :lol:

She doesn't try to be in a relationship because of society or anything, because she realised it's not something she was made for, so to speak.

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Mh, doesn't sound bad to me at all. I don't necessarily read it in terms of "hookup culture", more like an orientation where "friends with benefits"-like arrangements work fine for one without getting mired in complicated feelings over time. If I were sexual, that'd sound like a seriously appealing way to live for me, to be honest. :)

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I think romance itself is too fuzzy a concept to be sure.

Because there are a lot of people that seek sex without a romantic connection, but that doesn't mean that they aren't interested in romantic connections.

There are also people who seek relationships, but don't seem concerned about romance, but more the possessive aspect entailed by the relationship status (i.e. they are uninterested in 'love').

Then there are people who may pursue these things because of social pressure, rather than their real desire, so it is hard to know.

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