Is aromanticism innate?

[0gb.us]

For years, I've used the word "asexual" to describe myself. I got the word by amending the word "heterosexual", "homosexual", "bisexual", et cetera. I thought I was a freak (not that I minded being a freak), and I needed an intuitive word to describe my feelings on sex and relationships when people asked me out, or asked about my past relationships, of which I had none. It wasn't until later that I discovered that there was actually a section of the population that was like me, and using the same word to describe themselves. But I didn't feel the need to do any more research, because I thought I had a good understanding of what I am, and I wasn't in need of support.

However, a couple days ago, it came to my attention that asexuality and aromanticism are not necessarily connected. I know I want nothing to do with sex, and I know I want nothing to do with children. I used to believe that all good relationships always involved sex (that's what my mother says), so they were something I also wanted nothing to do with. So my question is this: Is aromanticism innate, just like asexuality, or could I have damaged my capacity for romance by bundling the two discreet aspects into one? Should my lack of interest in relationships be taken at face value: as just a lack of interest in relationships? I want to be whatever I'm genetically "supposed" to be, because I think I would be happiest that way. I thought I knew what I was, but now I'm not even sure ....

[Kelsea]

I'm questioning that too these days. In my case, I chose to do the traditional thing and get married in my 20's, simply because I wanted a 'normal' life - definitely not because I wanted sex. If I hadn't felt pressured by society... Would I have ever truly desired to be in a relationship? I don't know.

But I do know that now, after leaving that relationship, I have zero desire to seek out another one. So whatever the heck I was in the past, I'm calling myself aromantic now.

In your case, I'd guess that if you've never felt anything was missing, in terms of having a special someone to share your life with...? That sounds aromantic to me. But again I'm no expert!

[Guest]

I am aromantic but am entire open to potentially realising that I am romantic. In other words, if I am romanticly attracted sometime in the future, I wont have a problem with it, but I am aromantic and its very unlikely I will have to cross that bridge. So yup, it is innate. If you've somehow conditioned yourself to be adverse to relationships is up to you to determine.

[0gb.us]

I'm questioning that too these days. In my case, I chose to do the traditional thing and get married in my 20's, simply because I wanted a 'normal' life - definitely not because I wanted sex. If I hadn't felt pressured by society... Would I have ever truly desired to be in a relationship? I don't know.

But I do know that now, after leaving that relationship, I have zero desire to seek out another one. So whatever the heck I was in the past, I'm calling myself aromantic now.

In your case, I'd guess that if you've never felt anything was missing, in terms of having a special someone to share your life with...? That sounds aromantic to me. But again I'm no expert!

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I don't think I would be able to handle even trying to have a "normal" relationship.

That's just the thing: I don't know if something is missing. When thinking in day to day terms, romance holds no interest for me. I'm not repulsed from it as I am with sex, but it doesn't draw me in either. And logically, it does seem like a lot of work with next to no return. In other words, not a good idea. But abstractly, my eventual partnerless demise bothers me. I don't know why. And the idea of romance sounds like it would be enjoyable. So many other people seem to like it. Then again though, there are a lot of things most people like to do that I wouldn't want to do, even in theory.

So I am split three ways towards romance, positive, neutral, and negative. Are my abstract thoughts unnatural to me, or are my logical thoughts the ones out of place? Either one might have been conditioned into me, or I might just be a mixed up fellow. I wouldn't take that possibility off the table. I guess only time will tell, be it would be nice to not wait in confusion.

I am aromantic but am entire open to potentially realizing that I am romantic. In other words, if I am romantically attracted sometime in the future, I wont have a problem with it, but I am aromantic and its very unlikely I will have to cross that bridge. So yup, it is innate. If you've somehow conditioned yourself to be adverse to relationships is up to you to determine.

Huh. That's a good way to look at it. I can just continue as I am, and if something happens, it happens. Learning new terminology doesn't mean I have to attempt to classify my life right now, it just means I have one more possibility, which may or may not ever present itself.

[Jeremy44]

How do you define friendship? Where does friendship begin/end with you, if you in fact have it in your life? I realize you are talking about romance, but I'm trying to get at where you start to have issues with romance.

I'm not personally much of a future thinker, not in the 5 year sorta thing, but you define your fear as a possible future issue. IMHO, the good thing is that one can always choose to change, the bad thing is it gets harder and harder to change overtime. By 30, many people are stuck on a path and seem less able to change, perhaps due to inertia.

I was more like you when I was in my early 20s, but I admit, I have found sometimes it can be rather lonely. Not trying to get off topic, but for me, I have been looking for the major thing in my life to do, that important passion, and I have yet to find it. Perhaps, people together help each other generate those ideas, support each other to create better version of each other? I had a friend that said marriage was like having a live in friend, which is perhaps the most attractive thing I have ever heard in regards to marriage. Not sure this is more than some rambling, but I hope it helps.

[Janus the Fox]

I am aromantic but am entire open to potentially realising that I am romantic. In other words, if I am romanticly attracted sometime in the future, I wont have a problem with it, but I am aromantic and its very unlikely I will have to cross that bridge. So yup, it is innate. If you've somehow conditioned yourself to be adverse to relationships is up to you to determine.

I'm exactly the same, but also feel relationship averse... But otherwise open to trying it disregarding of gender. Aromantic but openly biromantic..., confusing indeed   

[0gb.us]

How do you define friendship? Where does friendship begin/end with you, if you in fact have it in your life? I realize you are talking about romance, but I'm trying to get at where you start to have issues with romance.

I'm not personally much of a future thinker, not in the 5 year sorta thing, but you define your fear as a possible future issue. IMHO, the good thing is that one can always choose to change, the bad thing is it gets harder and harder to change overtime. By 30, many people are stuck on a path and seem less able to change, perhaps due to inertia.

I was more like you when I was in my early 20s, but I admit, I have found sometimes it can be rather lonely. Not trying to get off topic, but for me, I have been looking for the major thing in my life to do, that important passion, and I have yet to find it. Perhaps, people together help each other generate those ideas, support each other to create better version of each other? I had a friend that said marriage was like having a live in friend, which is perhaps the most attractive thing I have ever heard in regards to marriage. Not sure this is more than some rambling, but I hope it helps.

So far, I haven't really made any friends that I can't live without. I value and actively seek friendships, but if I had to walk away, I wouldn't be heartbroken. I might be a little sad, but I wouldn't loose any sleep over it. I don't know where friendship ends and romance begins, but as of yet, I have not even approached the line between the two, so I probably have nothing to fear.

My problems with romance, in theory, mostly have to do with being forced to go against my ideals, I guess. Making close relationships work is often about compromise. I am very opinionated about some things, and compromise is not an option, for any reason. On many other things, I can fully and willingly give in, so it's not like I'm a control freak. My ideals are very binary: I'll either fight you to the death about something, or I'll let you have your way. There is no in between.

So do you mean romantic partners help you find the thing you are passionate about? So I guess maybe I don't need romance because I found my passion on my own? Having a live in friend might be nice though.

[Mezzo Forte]

I recently came to terms with my aromanticism, even though I have had four different relationships that I pushed myself into in hopes of feeling romantic attraction in the past. The guys I dated always told me "I love you", but I just couldn't say it back. I tried so hard to feel something that I was never capable of feeling in the first place, so I would argue that, for myself at least, aromanticism is innate.

[Guest member25959]

I don't think we can tell you what's innate or genetic in your case, we certainly can't say if aromanticism is innate. For one, each case is unique. As well as that, it's just an unexplored theory. Aromanticism itself is largely unrecognized as distinct outside of this community, so it's understandable that no one has gone and researched whether it's innate or not.

[samepage1]

I don't know how I missed this question when it was new. It's a good question.

I think the answer is yes, that you could have hurt your capacity for romance by considering it one in the same with sex. If you don't make a distinction between the two, and you know you're not interested in sex, you'll think you aren't interested in romance either.

For me, I think I'm more gray-asexual, but originally I didn't think I was gray because I'm aromantic. I knew I didn't want a romantic relationship, so I think I thought I wouldn't want sex either, especially because I really don't care for sex to begin with.

Also, seemingly in contradiction, I had to think long and hard about if I want a partnered relationship because of coming to realize I'm aromantic. I decided that I do, and that I had shied away from doing so because of being (gray-)asexual. Then, I had to realize that I really do like the idea of being in a partnered relationship, which it seems that most aromantics don't want.

So, it's all complicated, so give it all the thought you need to, and consider everything separately. You may discover that you don't really want a partnered relationship, but you don't really know until you've sorted everything through.

[Nogitsune]

Then, I had to realize that I really do like the idea of being in a partnered relationship, which it seems that most aromantics don't want.

Hm, well, I get the impression quite a few aromantics do like the idea of being in such a relationship, so yeah... it's definitely complicated.

As for the original question, I used to mix up being aromantic and being asexual for a long time, too, but that's because for me personally, they might as well be one and the same, in the way people outside the asexual community often don't even consider explicitly distinguishing between their romantic and sexual orientation. Like Musette, I just couldn't say "I love you" back any more than I could bring myself to want to make out with my partner in the short time I was in a romantic relationship, and that was the first huge clue for me (though for other aromantics and/or asexuals it could of course be completely different).

I definitely don't think aromanticism is any more or less "innate" than any other orientation, but that doesn't mean matters have to be crystal clear, especially since the defining difference between romantic and non-romantic love is incredibly elusive.