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Being aromantic sucks.


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For me, being aromantic is much harder than being asexual. I crave human connection as much as anyone else, I just need it in the form of really good friendships instead of romantic relationships.

But in our society, everyone puts their romantic partner first. I just want to have someone that I can talk to, trust, and rely on to be there for me. Is that too much too ask?

I'm so sick of being blown off for romantic partners. I know that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life, and the thought makes me feel so alone.

Is this a major problem for other aromantics? Is there someway to make it better?

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Life for many folks, aromantic or not, can be a long tiring search for that right person or people to connect with. It can be tough even for the romantic folks, so don't get too jealous of them :s

By the way, I should point out to you that the ace of hearts is generally a symbol of a romantic ace. If you consider yourself aromantic, it might give people an inaccurate impression of you to have it as your avatar >_>

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Life for many folks, aromantic or not, can be a long tiring search for that right person or people to connect with. It can be tough even for the romantic folks, so don't get too jealous of them :s

By the way, I should point out to you that the ace of hearts is generally a symbol of a romantic ace. If you consider yourself aromantic, it might give people an inaccurate impression of you to have it as your avatar >_>

I know that romantics have a hard time searching for "the one" or whatever. But there's a much wider range of people who are willing to be in a romantic relationship which tend to be exclusive of those not in the duo. I guess what I'm saying, is I find it highly unlikely that I'll ever find someone who is willing to be in the sort of exclusive platonic relationship that I need. All of my friends are romantic and even though they may struggle finding romantic partners, they still are more focused on finding someone to spend their life with romantically than forming a strong friendship with someone. (I read the term queerplatonic somewhere. I think it might apply to what I'm looking for.)

Also, I know that the ace of hearts is supposed to be a symbol of romantic aces, but I adopted it for myself because, even though I am aromantic, I am very focused on loving friendships. It's complicated. I guess it means that even though I don't love romantically, that doesn't mean I don't love intensely or something like that.

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I understand that perfectly.

While I'm not aromantic myself (at least I think that. I'm not sure because I've never tried to be in a relationship, and the thought of one scares me away a bit. But I do crave romance, so...), I have the same problem pretty much since my teens. All of my friends were always finding someone to date, and then turning me down for them. There was this time one of my friends didn't go to my birthday gathering because she was going to spend the day with her boyfriend at the time. Now come on! And I also find pretty annoying how some people take their bf/gfs EVERYWHERE when they're supposed to meet other friends. I'd also love to have a friend that didn't care about bfs or gfs, but that's a bit ironic because someday I might want one... Oh well. But I do get what you're saying. It made me mad for a long time.

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I understand that perfectly.

While I'm not aromantic myself (at least I think that. I'm not sure because I've never tried to be in a relationship, and the thought of one scares me away a bit. But I do crave romance, so...), I have the same problem pretty much since my teens. All of my friends were always finding someone to date, and then turning me down for them. There was this time one of my friends didn't go to my birthday gathering because she was going to spend the day with her boyfriend at the time. Now come on! And I also find pretty annoying how some people take their bf/gfs EVERYWHERE when they're supposed to meet other friends. I'd also love to have a friend that didn't care about bfs or gfs, but that's a bit ironic because someday I might want one... Oh well. But I do get what you're saying. It made me mad for a long time.

Thanks. I think a little understanding of my frustrations was all I really needed.

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It is not too bad, you just potentially have less lovers, but more friends. :)

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Ohhh! I'm excited. I just discovered the term "squish" defined as an aromantic crush. I like having words to describe how I feel.

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Kitty Spoon Train

I understand that perfectly.

While I'm not aromantic myself (at least I think that. I'm not sure because I've never tried to be in a relationship, and the thought of one scares me away a bit. But I do crave romance, so...), I have the same problem pretty much since my teens. All of my friends were always finding someone to date, and then turning me down for them. There was this time one of my friends didn't go to my birthday gathering because she was going to spend the day with her boyfriend at the time. Now come on! And I also find pretty annoying how some people take their bf/gfs EVERYWHERE when they're supposed to meet other friends. I'd also love to have a friend that didn't care about bfs or gfs, but that's a bit ironic because someday I might want one... Oh well. But I do get what you're saying. It made me mad for a long time.

I'm similar, except my opinion is based on a fair bit of relationship experience...(I'm romantic and demisexual)....

Really, I've been so jaded about romance lately that I suspect I might actually be slightly aromantic, but it's hard to say.

I guess I just don't like the way romantic partnerships tend to come with that "absolute togetherness" expectation - it almost seems like institutionalised co-dependency for many people. Just like you said, that "expectation to blow off anything else that's happening in life at the drop of a hat because the romantic partner just suddenly wants to do something else, no matter how minor", etc, urgh!

Now of course, I realise some people are more reasonable than others, and these behaviours are more just neurotic and co-dependent "bad relationships" rather than inherent qualities of relationships themselves. I'm partially reacting to a long bad past relationship I had, and partially just seeing that a LOT of romantic relationships out there seem to carry these expectations by default (which again, isn't necessarily an inherent quality, even if it is a common quality).

Basically what I want is a romantic relationship which is "administered" as a friendship, and doesn't come packaged with that almost-automatic drama and total clingyness, the way many/most romantic relationships seem to be.

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TheKindredSoul

I know how you feel. I am an aromantic ace as well. In fact, what you are going through is similar to what I am going through right now!

I have a squish I really want, but I feel as though my love for her will never outmatch that of her spouse, so he is always going to come first and my love is futile.

All I want is a spiritual relationship with someone!

I do not know if I am right on this or not, but I think that people may not understand that we aromantics, despite the fact that we are not into romantic relationships, still desire a deep, aromantic bond with someone else or a zucchini (a platonic and aromantic relationship).

Maybe if you verbalize your needs to someone and tell them that your desire for a good friendship is equal to the desire for them to have a romantic relationship, maybe they will understand more. Just a thought.

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Basically what I want is a romantic relationship which is "administered" as a friendship, and doesn't come packaged with that almost-automatic drama and total clingyness, the way many/most romantic relationships seem to be.

Thank you!! Yes!! That's exactly what I think I want right now.

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anticlockwise

No, no, definitely. I really want to find someone to-- well, not be with. To share space with on an everyday basis. It can feel really oppressive when mainstream society's telling you that the only way you could do that is with a romantic partner, and that isn't something you could make work, you know? And I haven't seen an awful lot of discussion dedicated to aromantic partnerships. But I think we're getting slowly more visible, as asexuality becomes more visible, so let's hope we get more aromantic people coming together to talk about it!

The word I've heard most for a very close aromantic relationship like this is 'queerplatonic'. Also, a ton of vegetable puns. 'Squash' is another word for 'squish', with 'zucchini' being a queerplatonic partner, and 'courgetting' a word for platonic flirting. Language is fun.

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that's a common thing for all single ppl (asexuals or not) if they had friends who have partner(s) friendship just comes second end of story

(of course there are exceptions but still many people want to spend time with their partners than their friends)

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For me, being aromantic is much harder than being asexual. I crave human connection as much as anyone else, I just need it in the form of really good friendships instead of romantic relationships.

But in our society, everyone puts their romantic partner first. I just want to have someone that I can talk to, trust, and rely on to be there for me. Is that too much too ask?

I'm so sick of being blown off for romantic partners. I know that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life, and the thought makes me feel so alone.

Is this a major problem for other aromantics? Is there someway to make it better?

Being aromantic sucks? What? No it doesn't! :lol:

While I have also experienced that thing where "normal" people prefer to be with their SO rather than with me, there are also those people who will stay close friends even when they have a SO.

People sometimes tell me that I'll be alone and sad if I don't have a partner, because everyone else will find a partner and leave me. I think that's bull. I will always have friends. This "you'll be alone" thing is just there to make me conform to societal expectations.

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Being aromantics can suck, but for me it's less of other people being closer to their SO, and more of wanting to have "dates" and be a gentleman, but only be (close) friends. I doubt many people would want that situation except for possibly other aromantics or people who want to eat for free.

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Iknowthatfeel.jpg

Just last night I had a dream where someone rubbed my head like a dog while watching movies, something I (for some reason) really enjoy. Then I woke up and realized I had no one who would do that with me in real life because they all have SOs or think that sort of thing isn't something "just friends" do. :/

(Unrelated: I hate how people throw around the term "just friends," which is why I put it in quotes. Friendship is the highest form of love I have to offer, it's not worthless or inferior. Gah.)

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Kitty Spoon Train

Just last night I had a dream where someone rubbed my head like a dog while watching movies, something I (for some reason) really enjoy. Then I woke up and realized I had no one who would do that with me in real life because they all have SOs or think that sort of thing isn't something "just friends" do. :/

This reminds me of a thought I had the other day...

Basically, that what I want out of a "relationship" at the moment is actually in some ways like having a pet. Mostly just someone to snuggle up with in everyday situations. Like, when lying on the sofa under a blanket on a cold winter night watching Star Wars. Having someone to just snuggle with and fall asleep with would be awesome, instead of being alone.

But then when I picture dealing with a typical full-on "big R Relationship" outside of those simple cuddly moments, the fantasy sours.

(And it's not just about being pestered for sex - which might be okay eventually since I'm demisexual - it's more all the "heavy lifting" and drama that seems almost inevitable in "romantic relationships")

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Mezzo Forte

The more I look into aromanticism, the more I suspect that I myself am aromantic. I really do want some form of platonic partnership, but I don't really know how to go about pursuing it. I get really nervous about my intentions being misconstrued as a desire for a romantic or sexual relationship. On top of that, I'm bad at handling conversations in large groups, yet I rarely get to talk one-on-one with people that I am getting to know. Also doesn't help that I don't get out much, thanks to my dislike of most club or party scenes, my religious dedication to percussion, and my general introvertedness. I'm perfectly happy on my own, but sometimes I wish it was easier to find the kind of close friendship that I've been lacking.

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There are a lot of crappy and incompatible people out there, and only a few good, compatible ones. There are people who will not put a partner (or any friend) above any other friend. Find them. Your friends should reflect your values.

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  • 5 weeks later...

I have the same problem.

When I am getting to know someone, like a possible partner, I after a while let them know that I am aromantic asexual and if they don't like that, they can leave. Not in an angry way, of cource. I say that if they choose to leave and do not consider me a good friend for themselves because of this, I will not be offended and I will understand. This way almost everybody accepted me for who I was.

The same way, if somebody starts to talk about sex or tries to touch me in a way that I don't like, I just ask them to either change the subject, or I leave the room until they're finished. People are usually understanding enough to realize what you don't like and just stop.

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Being aromantic sucks? What? No it doesn't! :lol:

While I have also experienced that thing where "normal" people prefer to be with their SO rather than with me, there are also those people who will stay close friends even when they have a SO.

People sometimes tell me that I'll be alone and sad if I don't have a partner, because everyone else will find a partner and leave me. I think that's bull. I will always have friends. This "you'll be alone" thing is just there to make me conform to societal expectations.

I agree with you, for the most part. I like being an aromantic ace. I enjoy the freedom and I never feel too alone because I have awesome friends and family.

However, it sucks most when you actually want to hang out with friends but they're all busy with their SO's. I'm feeling it now. One friend's fiance recently moved here, so they've been spending a lot of time together (I don't blame them at all - they've been living apart for a long time). One friend was recently out of town to see her fiance. I used to spend a lot of time with another friend after she broke up with her boyfriend, but now that they're back together, I hardly see her anymore. And, pretty much everyone else I hang out with has an SO. I do just fine doing things on my own, but I really wanted to be social the last day or two but couldn't.

I do have a couple of friends who will never back out of plans with me for their SO and I am grateful to them, but they don't live anywhere near me so we can't hang out as much as we'd like to >_<

So, yeah, it does suck being an aromantic ace sometimes.

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I know how you feel. I can't stand being blown off when the other person puts their SO first all of the time. I'm lucky in that I do have a pretty good-sized handful of friends that don't completely kick me aside when they get romantic partners, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when I end up making friends, getting attached and finding out too late that these new friends are the type that always give their SO priority. And then everyone else in the world seems to look at the situation and go, "So? Romantic partners ARE supposed to be your best friend. Stop whining." You're not helping, world. >_>

That's actually pretty much the only beef I have with being aromantic, though. Everything else about it kind of rocks.

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I understand a lot of what everyone is saying, and this topic or feeling of what will the future hold when I'm off in the world and on my own. Who will I go to the movies with or on vacation with and things like that. At the moment I am alone (due to family and friends being away hanging out with their SO's). But I find these moments (being an introvert) as pure bliss. These are the times I can spend alone and think about deeper questions. I was thinking about if I could ever truly find another person on earth who I could connect with on a deeper level (not romantically) but spiritually. And I realized maybe, but it will take a long time. No one in my life actually satifies that deeper connection (which is a bit sad) so instead of being down about it, I take the opportunity to observe the world around me and explore the depths of my own soul. I think deeper connection is out there, it just depends on what you want to connect to, I guess. Besides the point being asexual aromantic to me is great. I find I have pursued more hobbies, and expanded my life a lot since accepting how I identify. You're never truly alone, there will always be someone (or something) there. But I find maybe that feeling of being alone is an invitation to love and know yourself more.

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  • 8 months later...
annethecaptain

For me, being aromantic is much harder than being asexual. I crave human connection as much as anyone else, I just need it in the form of really good friendships instead of romantic relationships.

But in our society, everyone puts their romantic partner first. I just want to have someone that I can talk to, trust, and rely on to be there for me. Is that too much too ask?

I'm so sick of being blown off for romantic partners. I know that it's going to be like this for the rest of my life, and the thought makes me feel so alone.

Is this a major problem for other aromantics? Is there someway to make it better?

I agree with you on this point. I've only recently realized I'm both aromantic and asexual (as far as I know, I don't like to think of it as a concrete thing, partially because I think of sexuality as something that can be fluid, and partially because I know it basically means I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life). As of yet, I don't know of any ways to make it better. And it really does suck sometimes, whether it be in not having someone to share memories and a mortgage with and care for each other when you grow old, or just being bombarded with all the couple-y stuff that society is filled with.

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ArtemisLiCa

exclusive platonic relationship

This! This is exactly what I want, but for the life of me I can't seem to explain this concept to anyone else.

Basically what I want is a romantic relationship which is "administered" as a friendship, and doesn't come packaged with that almost-automatic drama and total clingyness, the way many/most romantic relationships seem to be.

This also is what I want.

I get so much relationship drama right now and I've never even been in a relationship! I'm the one everyone goes to when they need a shoulder to cry on so I have to listen to everyone else's relationship drama and messes. I've said it a number of times that I'm so tired of other people's drama I don't even want a relationship of my own.

But what's been strange for me is that I easily accepted that I'm asexual, but I've been struggling with accepting the possibility that I'm also aromantic. I've always known I'm a hopeless romantic. I love reading romance novels and seeing romance in movies (except chick flicks. I hate those!) and I love happily ever after endings. I want someone to be mine, to be close with. I do want someone to do certain romantic things with like get flowers and chocolates on Valentine's Day, but in the day to day relationship what I want is as Hey there and Guzica described. I'm definitely going to have to remember that phrase "exclusive platonic relationship."

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Kitty Spoon Train

I get so much relationship drama right now and I've never even been in a relationship! I'm the one everyone goes to when they need a shoulder to cry on so I have to listen to everyone else's relationship drama and messes. I've said it a number of times that I'm so tired of other people's drama I don't even want a relationship of my own.

But what's been strange for me is that I easily accepted that I'm asexual, but I've been struggling with accepting the possibility that I'm also aromantic. I've always known I'm a hopeless romantic. I love reading romance novels and seeing romance in movies (except chick flicks. I hate those!) and I love happily ever after endings. I want someone to be mine, to be close with. I do want someone to do certain romantic things with like get flowers and chocolates on Valentine's Day, but in the day to day relationship what I want is as Hey there and Guzica described. I'm definitely going to have to remember that phrase "exclusive platonic relationship."

Lately I've often been reminded of it, as I've gone through a little "phase" of going back and forth wondering what kind of balance is possible to find with "normal" relationships. Then I deleted my OkCupid account the other day, because after over a year I realised it's hopeless.

I doubt that I'm aromantic as such, I just have close to zero patience with romantic drama. ie Any kind of drama that happens because of the specifically "romantic" nature of a relationship. Basically, if it can't essentially be treated with the ethic of a close friendship in almost every way, and be free of the sort of drama that you wouldn't expect a friend to deal with, it doesn't seem worth it. All the relationship-specific expectations and drama that come with the package totally drain my life force.

Another way to put this is - "mind games" have to be completely non-existent. Maybe I've just been in (and been around) mostly bad relationships, and simply not noticed good ones as much because the lack of drama made them invisible. Maybe I'm seeing the negatives only, without realising it. Who knows. :lol:

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So... is this topic about vanilla friendships or exclusive friendships? I'm confused and don't have anything to say on the second.

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I'm not aromantic, but ...Eh. I agree. I put my friends above everyone else, but they don't do the same to me when it comes to lovers. One of them has had a boyfriend for 2 months, and the whole time she's been distant. It sucks. But all my friends are interested in that, so I'll just have to get used to it. I want to find a friend who won't leave me every time a boy's involved. :(

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