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Any Aromantics "Romance Repulsed"?


byanyotherusername

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byanyotherusername

So, I didn't realize I was on the asexuality spectrum until about a week before my 20th birthday, and it took another couple of months to figure out just where I fit, though I've tentatively settle on "gray-a". However, discovering the definition of "aromantic" was like an epiphany. So many things in my life, and my reluctance to enter relationships even with ideal candidates, suddenly made sense. But, before I understood that there was something most other people felt that I didn't experience (romantic attraction), I went through a period of being vehemently against relationships (not necessarily always, but definitely for myself and anyone I didn't consider emotionally mature or responsible enough, which was most people since I was in middle school/high school during this phase...) and quite cynical about romance in general. At my worst, I basically considered it a type of obsessive, possessive, co-dependent friendship + a way to satisfy biological urges in a socially acceptable manner. I grew out of it, and became a lot more accepting, but I still kind-of wondered why, besides the obvious physical prerogative, people bothered.

Did anyone else feel something similar?

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I've definitely felt that way before. I'm not the sort of person who tries to push my views on romance onto other, obviously romantic people, but I know I'd be a lot happier if romance weren't so expected. I don't like how the media shoves romance into everything, and how it's always in my face, and how so many people on the Internet ship people romantically who might just be friends. Even the term "just friends" makes me a bit mad, like most people think friends are something trivial. <_<

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I suppose i occasionally fall into this. Being aromantic myself (or at the very least demiromantic) i tend to have a rather cynical view of a lot of romantic relationships, and have pretty much said to people that i think a lot of people get into relationships purely for sex in a vaguely socially acceptable fashion (the actual wording was somewhat more blunt, but i'm not sure what the rules are on here regarding swearing). From my experience with other people's relationships, people who got along really well as friends who then went into a relationship also suddenly lost the ability to behave as rational human beings, suddenly becoming paranoid of each others motives,arguing over trivial things and becoming (as OP mentioned) obsessive and treating their SO as a possession that is and can only be "theirs". I also can't stand the commercialization of romance; that you're expected to buy your SO nice things simply because that's expected in a relationship (rather than out of genuine desire to please) or when one or both of the people in the relationship expect to be pampered because that's how romance is portrayed in the media.

My own personal feelings about a relationship are that simply being together should be enough (well, i suppose this only truly applies to non sexual relationships), there should be no preconceptions about what your SO should be doing for you or what you should be doing for them. Hence, if i see a relationship where people get along and seem to be together because they genuinely want to be together, i'm quite happy for them to do that and it does make me happy to see that when it happens.

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Kitty Spoon Train

Honestly, I think I would qualify as a "Romance Repulsed Romantic"! Yes, I know that sounds really bizarre, but lemme explain....

I definitely experience romantic attraction, so I'm not aromantic per se, but I can't stand most of the fluff that's generally expected to come packaged with romantic relationships. As I explained in a couple of threads before: if everyone was like me - florists, Hallmark and DeBeers would go out of business. And it's not about being cheap, it's just about not having any sense of doing superficial materialistic "romantic gestures" stuff that looks totally different to just normal friendly closeness with super close friends.

For me, the only way I can fall in love with a girl is to essentially be what society would call "just friends" first, and then naturally evolve a certain level of closeness that gets romantic and eventually possibly sexualised (I'm demisexual). I have zero sense of why "courting", or any very specific "romantic gestures" are necessary. It feels like pointless fluff and dishonest mind gaming. eg. Valentines Day makes me want to puke.

I've considered that I might be slightly toward the aromantic side - but it doesn't make sense to use the label when I certainly do experience romantic attraction. I guess I just take the "marry your best friend" philosophy to the extreme, so my idea of romantic relationships doesn't look anything like the usual idea of what that means, from the outside. It just looks like super-close friendship. No evidence of any drama and fluff. Ideally anyway. ;)

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I think marketing and the media play a big part. Telling both genders how they should behave especially for how men need to act to "be a man". So again, most people don't use logic, they just follow what everyone else is doing.

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Radioactive Goat

With the exception of kissing/making out and really close intimacy,

nah.

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elysiandawn

i don't think i'm romance repulsed, i just know my brain doesn't understand it. i never loved anyone but i loved my video games and blankie... i love green tea. maybe i should replace the word with favour or like.

love to me sounds like a job or task... its a word people use between two humans when they decided to split their income and live an easier life. besides finances... what is the benefit of being with someone else? i don't get it... imagine having to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life... omg i'd get so bored of it.

but i'm not repulsed by it... i just know my brain doesn't understand it, when i see romance i tend to just whip out my phone and play tetris or something... i do hate it when friends or family waste my time with their romance because i'm left alone there going "well... wtf am i supposed to do... watch?" *plays tetris*

i dunno... i'm aromantic, i only need friends.

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I wouldn't say I'm repulsed I just don't get the big fuss revolving around romance.

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Janus the Fox

A-or-gray-Romantic whatever that is mostly indifferent. I'm a little repulsed for romantic embrace that goes on for long durations. This is just the thought of it, real life I probably don't see the point other than keeping the SO happy.

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I don't know if I'd say "repulsed," but as others have said, I simply don't understand it.

Even sexual attraction is something I can try to understand. I understand sex makes people feel good, people experience attraction, and they derive a sort of emotional high from the whole thing.

Romance? Hmm. I just don't get it. I mean the whole emotional fixation on a person and wanting to do "romantic" things. I've had boyfriends, but I was unable to "be romantic" with them, and I was utterly confused and uncomfortable if they'd try to do something romantic for me. (This is why I decided not to be in relationships anymore: because I just wanted a best friend, and to do best friend things, not to expect chocolates and flowers, and to be expected to say "I love you" and prance around in skimpy lingerie.)

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The Great WTF

I'm fictional romance repulsed without a doubt. Huge romantic subplots tend to ruin whatever I'm watching/reading, particularly because most of them are excessively dramatic, unrealistic, or they derail characters.

I'm also fairly repulsed by the idea of falling in love. It never ceases to amaze me how my friends can be so blind to how much being in love changes them. I have friends who become little more than an extension of their SO when they're in love and the idea of that happening to me is horrifying. I value my independence and freedom way too much for that.

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Notte stellata

It never ceases to amaze me how my friends can be so blind to how much being in love changes them. I have friends who become little more than an extension of their SO when they're in love and the idea of that happening to me is horrifying. I value my independence and freedom way too much for that.

I find that horrifying too, even though I'm romantic. The kind of romantic relationship where both partners give up their identity and become an inseparable "couple bubble" is definitely repulsing to me.

I'm also repulsed by overly dramatic and idealized romance, as well as typical "courtship" stuff.

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Romance tends to involve a certain amount of b*lls**t that's mass produced either in books, movies, or TV. It can be so extraordinarily bizarre in conception that you might as well ask me to believe in unicorns. I cant tell you how many people I know that participate in these concepts of romance only to say,"I wish my significant other did that! Or why cant the X gender do that? Or why doesnt this ever happen to me?"

So you have all these forlorn people wishing their life was a little more magical, a little more romantic, because their real life doesnt reflect those things. Sure, there are candle lit dinners, walks in the park, kisses in the rain, and proposals of marriage that DO exist but not flawlessly. Romance is in love with itself, it wants you to abandon reason or logical questioning so you can "imagine" the happy ending. So many stories end with that... "and they lived happily ever after".... OR DID THEY! :wacko:

Also a lot of mainstream romance is handcuffed to terrible insane dramas. Maybe the lover is dying of some sudden disease, or a third lover shows up and demands to be the suitor and a fight to the death must occur. Its too much! It's too silly!

Having said all that I DO think romance can exist in such a way that it isnt a cliche or stereotype. However I think it takes an artful and genuine mind to produce it so that it doesnt come off as the typical garbage. I suppose I'm repulsed! :rolleyes:

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I'm also fairly repulsed by the idea of falling in love. It never ceases to amaze me how my friends can be so blind to how much being in love changes them. I have friends who become little more than an extension of their SO when they're in love and the idea of that happening to me is horrifying. I value my independence and freedom way too much for that.

While I am personally put off by the idea of falling in love, I would like to point out that, probably, it's not that they are blind to the way being in love changes them, but that they find the whole thing desirable.

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The Great WTF

I'm also fairly repulsed by the idea of falling in love. It never ceases to amaze me how my friends can be so blind to how much being in love changes them. I have friends who become little more than an extension of their SO when they're in love and the idea of that happening to me is horrifying. I value my independence and freedom way too much for that.

While I am personally put off by the idea of falling in love, I would like to point out that, probably, it's not that they are blind to the way being in love changes them, but that they find the whole thing desirable.

Eh. It varies. I've known people who like the changes their partner makes in them and others that are completely oblivious to it. It's kinda nightmarish.

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While I am personally put off by the idea of falling in love, I would like to point out that, probably, it's not that they are blind to the way being in love changes them, but that they find the whole thing desirable.

Eh. It varies. I've known people who like the changes their partner makes in them and others that are completely oblivious to it. It's kinda nightmarish.

Well, I meant they probably don't care because they like the whole falling in love process.

Personally, I agree that it seems nightmarish, though.

I think it was worst when I was a teenager, and my friends were having all these emotional rollercoaster highs and lows, or completely being different due to their SO, and I just didn't know how to deal with what, for all appearances, seemed to be complete insanity on their part. Though i've seen it also happen with adults. That's usually about the time I just cut all ties with the person, if they stop behaving in a reasonable manner toward me. Of course, I'm logical to a fault, and that gets me into trouble when dealing with overly emotional people, whether it's about romance or anything else.

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Notte stellata

Also a lot of mainstream romance is handcuffed to terrible insane dramas. Maybe the lover is dying of some sudden disease, or a third lover shows up and demands to be the suitor and a fight to the death must occur. Its too much! It's too silly!

When I see a romantic TV show/movie where one of the lovers died (typical case: Titanic), I often think it's the best way to end the love story, because otherwise there's no way they could "live happily ever after"! :lol:

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I'm not sure if I would classify myself as being aromantic - other people might, but I think it is my cerebral quality that constitutes what others might consider a lack or romantic inclination or nature on my part.

I understand romance - I understand why people behave the way they do because I observe, speculate, and attempt to understand the world around me.

When I feel attraction; when I come in contact with infatuating experience - my natural inclination is to step back from myself and consider it rather than become lost in it as others seem to.

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Naturally, I guess I'm mostly indifferent.

I can see how romance can be a wonderful thing and how it goes bad all-too-often. I see that it still seems to be worth it for most of humanity, so I assume that, at it's core, it's good and nothing to be repulsed by. I have, at times, been able to lose myself in a book or movie with a heavy romantic (sub)plot (Even if it's supposed to be the main plot, I always end up seeing it as the subplot) and enjoy it.

Basically, it's fine when it's about others, but trying to apply the concept to myself is weird.

The thought that my brain could just suddenly decide to put me on drugs and make me like someone (and that many people consider just that the peak of fulfillment and meaning of life) is somewhat scary, but then I think I'd probably be one of those people who are still able to evaluate the situation rationally. And it's supposed to feel pretty good, so whatever.

Lately, I noticed that this is slowly but surely changing. I have to take care to not devolve into some terrible caricature of a comic book villain, "denouncing the evils of truth and love" or the like.

It's just that the message is so omnipresent. Everybody needs somebody. Every pot has a lid. You need to find your "better half" (Ugh, this is one of the worst. Creepy).

In almost every story, the protagonist has to hook up with someone to provide a satisfying happy end, because just saving the world/surviving/reaching the Big Goal is clearly not happy enough otherwise. And people crave it. If in a story, anyone is not already paired with someone else, cue shippers finding romantic subtext in everything and matching them up with everybody. Actually, it doesn't even matter if they already have someone. Not even that can save you.

When two characters find each other sympathic at first glance: ~looove~

When two characters hate each other: Nah, just kidding, it's really ~looove~, but also very dramatic.

When two characters of opposite genders are just friends and both single: Are you kidding me that doesn't happen, must be ~looove~, might be complicated.

And all to often, it's used as a measure of humanity and goodness.

I'm really getting fed up with it.

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  • 1 month later...

Honestly, I think I would qualify as a "Romance Repulsed Romantic"! Yes, I know that sounds really bizarre, but lemme explain.... [etc.]

Thank you so much for this post!!! :cake: I can very much relate to it, and actually it may turn out an important key for me to get to grips with my anti-romantic tendencies... if/when I manage to let go of my crusaderism, Romance Repulsed Romantic may well be what I end up as identifying as! :D

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Romance repulsed to me means that you are repulsed by seeing romance around you or hearing about it in media, probably through the form of sappy romantic gestures. I'm definitely not repulsed. PDA drives me nuts, but if I see two people holding hands my first thought is either "Awww" or general indifference, not "ewww." I'm not a fan of romance overtaking plots either, but that's because I want to skip to the parts that make sense to the story, not because I hate romance.

When it comes to dealing with friends in romantic relationships who are going through the whole crazy up down jealous clingy phases, yeah, it gets annoying. But that doesn't have anything to do with romance itself, just the manifestation in that particular person.

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PostHumanity

I am more romance negative rather than actually repulsed. Like theoretically I know that romance is a really great thing for some people, but with people I personally know in relationships I can't help but wonder why the hell they would want to compromise themselves and their independence for another person. When friends come to me with even trivial relationship questions my reply is usually, "Well I guess you are going to need to break up now". Needless to say, they have stopped asking. Haha!

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I am more romance negative rather than actually repulsed.

Ok, now I'm back to confused again. :blink:

Where exactly is the line between XYZ-negative and repulsed? Is it something like:

repulsed = visceral reaction of some kind of disgust and/or fear

XYZ-negative = intellectual thought of "I can't feel how there's any good in that and there'd be no loss if it were gone from my world"

Am I in any way close?! :huh:

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PostHumanity
I am more romance negative rather than actually repulsed.

Ok, now I'm back to confused again. :blink:

Where exactly is the line between XYZ-negative and repulsed? Is it something like:

repulsed = visceral reaction of some kind of disgust and/or fear

XYZ-negative = intellectual thought of "I can't feel how there's any good in that and there'd be no loss if it were gone from my world"

Am I in any way close?! :huh:

That was how I was interpreting it. I don't mind seeing people in public be romantic or reading/seeing romantic stories, just at the back of my mind I can't help but think, 'those poor fools'.

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That was how I was interpreting it. I don't mind seeing people in public be romantic or reading/seeing romantic stories, just at the back of my mind I can't help but think, 'those poor fools'.

Thanks for the clear-up. :cake:

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Mezzo Forte

I'm typically romance indifferent, but when I used to try to date in the past, I would shift from indifferent to repulsed every time. I'm starting to wonder if it's because I grew up in a tactile family and interpret many things as platonic touch, and the more that my brain stops interpreting certain touch/gestures as platonic, but as romantic, the repulsion kicks in. I don't mind seeing others in happy relationships and don't mind well written romance in fiction, and sometimes I feel like having that emotional connection must be nice in theory, but in practice, I'm much happier single with some close friendships instead.

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AceOfAwesome

Wouldn't say repulsed, but I hate the importance of romance that society has. It seems to be so expected. The older you get, the more expectation there is of you being in a romantic relationship, or at the very least that you've been in one.

I also don't like the pedestal it gets put on. Like romantic love is so much more "important" than any other kind of love. You could love your friends, family and whoever else so much in a platonic way, but because you don't have a romantic relationship, your life isn't "complete" or whatever. Ugh. <_<

Sorry about the little rant. Some people around me right now are pushing the whole "(romantic) relationships are so important to ones life" thing, I'm kinda over it.

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I also don't like the pedestal it gets put on. Like romantic love is so much more "important" than any other kind of love. You could love your friends, family and whoever else so much in a platonic way, but because you don't have a romantic relationship, your life isn't "complete" or whatever. Ugh. <_<

This! So very true... it's something I've had heated disagreements over with non-repulsed/rom-positive romantics. I feel rom attraction, but I dont feel any need for rom relationships... I can't relate to an (to me, completely artificial) difference in "types" of love, especially if there's a hierarchy made between those "types"; and I actually feel more complete if there isn't romance in my life, because the very thing that romance does to me is make me feel lesser, incomplete, damaged without someone else who I need to "make me whole"... and to me, that's not any basis for love and respect for either myself or a partner in a relationship.

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I used to be like that - I used to think that romance was a waste of time and overhyped and fake and blah blah blah but apparently I changed my mind.

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Kitty Spoon Train

This! So very true... it's something I've had heated disagreements over with non-repulsed/rom-positive romantics. I feel rom attraction, but I dont feel any need for rom relationships... I can't relate to an (to me, completely artificial) difference in "types" of love, especially if there's a hierarchy made between those "types"; and I actually feel more complete if there isn't romance in my life, because the very thing that romance does to me is make me feel lesser, incomplete, damaged without someone else who I need to "make me whole"... and to me, that's not any basis for love and respect for either myself or a partner in a relationship.[/font][/color]

This is essentially what gets to me too...

A lot of the time, looking at all the dramas that people have with romantic relationships, I find myself looking at them and thinking "WHY? Why would you bother with this? Why would you do this to yourselves?". Rather than completing your lives, from here it looks like a huge pain in the arse and like a second job, to both of you!

But then I have to remind myself that I'm INTP, love living alone, extremely independent-minded, demisexual and with no "need" for constant regular partnered sex, etc. Different people have different needs, priorities and personality types. What looks like a huge pain in the arse to me and a massive loss of independence and freedom might actually feel like a fair compromise to them - because sharing their lives in a particular way is important to them.

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