What if I'm Aromantic as well?

[Mairzy Doats]

I was having a chat with my mother tonight and something came up that made me start to doubt myself.

I have known for a couple of years now that I was asexual. AVEN completely awesome for existing and showing me that there were other people in the world who felt just like I did and that there was nothing wrong with me. If nothing else, I will I always love you guys for that. If not for you I'd probably be trying to hook up with my bed toy and try to force myself to feel things that I don't, and wondering what's wrong with me. In a certain way I feel AVEN saved my life. I was never suicidal about the issue, but I do feel a immense amount of relief knowing that I'm not alone.

I've since then held out that I must be at least somewhat romantic. After all, I do like the romantic subplots in tv shows. While I don't obsessively ship characters I do like rooting for a couple with they are both likable and they have chemistry.

And besides, I rather like the idea of being married. One of my favorite series is The Scarlet Pimpernel book series. Look it up for a read it you want- it's an adventure series with some romance in. The strongest relationship in the entire series is between a couple that is already married. In fact the first book is basically about these people rediscovering the spark in their relationship- a huge "d'awwwww" moment. I love the idea of having someone in your life you commit yourself to. That you basically share a life with. An ally in everything, and a person you will always look out for no matter what. While I don't intimacy all that much, I can't imagine living alone the rest of my life. I know that, as an asexual, I could enter into into a asexual marriage or maybe, who knows? Become gray for someone I truly, deeply love. And that idea give me so many warms and fuzzies.

But my mum reminded me that I never really loved my sexual partner. And this is the part where I'm going to sound like a real jerk and I'm going to ask that any disparaging remarks about how I treat my SP be withheld. I was young and stupid and I thought that I could make myself sexual by having enough sex. I did not hate him and even today feel horrible about how I might have hurt him. Shame that mum had to explain to me at 25 what it means to really love someone. But I realized that I did not feel that same way about him that I do about people I know I love. I would not drop everything and drive to see him if he called me feeling sad. In every single thing, he came second. After my family, school, work, even my hobbies.

And I came to realize that, other than my family, there were very few people I really cared about more than work or school, and all of those were people I couldn't stand living with. Nor did I feel any romantic feelings toward them. Both times I have been in a romantic relationship it was initiated by the other, and both times my prime motivation for saying yes was a desire to be normal. Now I know I will never be in a relationship unless I absolutely feel a connection, but now I'm starting to wonder if I'm even capable of having romantic feelings for someone.

I guess I have two questions, both for aromantics here. First, do you ever root for romantic relationships in books, tv shows, and so on? Also, do you think it's possible for aromantics to have life partners or families? Or am I talking oxy-morons here?

Part of my realizes that I'm worrying about nothing and knows that tomorrow I'll wake up feeling fine and not caring about it, so in advance, forgive me for a minor freak out AKA "OMG I don't want to die aloooone!" *Binges on ice cream and beer* Also, thank you, AVEN, for your patience *bows respectfully*

[5_♦♣]

No one here can tell you whether you're Aromantic or not-only you can define yourself. Though, you do seem like you're Aromantic.

[honor is all]

No one here can tell you whether you're Aromantic or not-only you can define yourself. Though, you do seem like you're Aromantic.

You seem like a typical Aromantic! :cake: :cake: Be proud and happy! (oh and plzzz join AroPlane). No I don't root for romance in tv shows and yes I believe Aromantics can form partnerships and families with other Aromantics, hence the term QPP (queerplatonic partner) as controversial as it LOL. You don't need to want cuddles, roses, heart shaped chocolates and Eskimo kisses to have children. You only need a) a donor b) an adoption agency c)a bit of aromantic, straight-to-the-point sex (if you are grey-a like me. Aromantic partnerships can be just as bonding and have a feel good factor as an aromantic one (speaking from experience). If you have any questions about anyhting aromantic related or want a QPP please ask. Don't be shy :D

[Kolikeos]

I guess I have two questions, both for aromantics here. First, do you ever root for romantic relationships in books, tv shows, and so on? Also, do you think it's possible for aromantics to have life partners or families?

I do not see myself as fully aromantic, but I don't seek or want a romantic relationship with anyone, so that's close.

Anyway, my opinions on romance in books, shows, etc. varies. sometimes I'll be "aww, how cute" and other times I'll be "why are they forcing unnecessary romance into this otherwise good work of art???".

As for partner and family, those seems like different thing to me. A partner is something I do not want. By "family" I assume you mean children, which I don't want either. I would also advise you to not create children, but rather adopt if you really want to bring up a child.

I know an aromantic person who does like romance in works of art. You don't have to want it for yourself to enjoy it in a movie.

This person also wants a child, but not a partner. Wanting children or not doesn't have anything to do with being aromantic.

I suppose that "life partner" is something that aromantics don't want, and would avoid if given the option.

As for it being "possible" for aromantics to have partners and children: of course it is. Most aromantics who lived throughout history (and probably today too) were not given any choice in the matter, because you are required to have a partner and children by social "law". They probably didn't love their partner, much like homoromantics didn't love their partners but they still had to conform to social "laws".

[Mairzy Doats]

I feel so foolish this morning. That being said, you guys are awesome for understanding.

Thanks for you input guys. Right after writing that I found the FAQ and then I felt even more foolish. If AVEN has taught me anything, it's that I really shouldn't worry about these things.

I see that I had a uninformed idea of aromantism. I guess even I can learn a thing or two. Props to the admins of this site for having those easy to find FAQs around. I seem to fit the definition of aromantism and that's cool.

Anyway, my opinions on romance in books, shows, etc. varies. sometimes I'll be "aww, how cute" and other times I'll be "why are they forcing unnecessary romance into this otherwise good work of art???".

Aww man, I feel like that all the time! I used to complain about it to my sexual friends and they were like "Dude, shut-up, they're cute together!" But every once in a while I'm reading a book or watching a TV show and there is just this, I don't know, spark between these two characters. And then it's like such a such a thrill when they push their relationship forward, hehehe.

You make me love this forum more. Sorry I haven't been around a lot- stuff happened on the other forum and I had to devote a lot of attention there. Not interesting stuff. Anyway, I wouldn't mind a lock on this thread, because, well, lol...

[never odd or even]

I was kinda like that, in that i never really liked my previous partners... and I did question my romantic orientation, but after a while, I figured I'd deal with that fence when I got to it, there really wasnt much point in continuing to ask myself hypothetical questions that I couldnt answer and just get on with my life.

And then I found someone. Just like me. Trans, Ace, kinda kinky, raised in an uber christian home, was christian no longer, loved to discuss, debate and related to me on an emotional level. We've been together for a year now, and the relationship looks very different from any other I've had. I thought i'd written off romantic relationships [and yes, I was pretty anti relationships for those three years of questioning aromanticism] but this is something that I do not want to pass up. i'm very glad that I didnt close my eyes to someone so very much like me because I wanted to tie down my orientation [and as it is, I'vee no idea how to define who it is supposed to be directed at either, the people I've been attracted to...vary...]... In short, dont stress. You'll figure it out when it comes to you.

[asdfghjkl]

So about the rooting for romantic relationships in books and movies and things, I'm the exact same way. Actually, it's one of the reasons I found this site....I noticed that I get really excited about Jim and Pam from the Office, hahaaaa, but if I try to imagine someone in my life like Jim, it just seems so wrong. I never got it. Is that how you feel with that whole type of situation?

You also just made me realize how I put so many things in my life before my last boyfriend. I cared about him a buttload as a friend but I dunno, this is really eye-opening.

Honestly, I never knew much about asexuality, or considered that I could be asexual, til yesterday. And now I'm confused as hell, cause I feel like I must fit in here somewhere, but there's so many different subccategories and things I could fall under. Could I be aromantic too? I just have no clue. It's all crazy and honestly pretty scary.

But like the person above me said, I guess we'll just figure it out when it comes to us, and hopefully whatever it is we can accept it.

[maven]

I feel so foolish this morning. That being said, you guys are awesome for understanding.

Thanks for you input guys. Right after writing that I found the FAQ and then I felt even more foolish. If AVEN has taught me anything, it's that I really shouldn't worry about these things.

I see that I had a uninformed idea of aromantism. I guess even I can learn a thing or two. Props to the admins of this site for having those easy to find FAQs around. I seem to fit the definition of aromantism and that's cool.

Yay! That FAQ went up recently (I'm guessing you're talking about the one on AVENwiki?) and it's nice to hear that it's helped someone :D