Can you become aromantic?

[ghostwriter]

A couple of months ago, I started noticing things around me (on the internet, at school, etc.) that made me feel like all guys were jerks. So for a while, I was just feeling really bitter about it, and then one day, I was finally just so fed up with it, that I said "you know what, I am never going to date, it's not worth it." The next day, I woke up, and I was like, "something's different...Oh! I dont feel an interest in dating anymore! I don't feel a need for romance!" At first, I celebrated, but then a few days later I thought I would investigate why, and that's how I found this site...but let's not get into that.

Anyway, I used to get crushes a lot, and sometimes I would get sort of obsessive...but now I feel like all I want is friendship (and cuddles. I like cuddles.) I used to like romance, but now it creeps me out and makes me feel like I want to puke. I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I just want to know if what happened (at the beginning of the paragraph) could've caused that.

P.S. by romance, I mean kissing, flirting, gazing meaningfully into each others' eyes, etc.

[MadRat]

I don´t think you can really become aromantic but you can become realistic. :lol: As you said, "all guys are jerks". This is a little bit excesive - not all guys are jerks but the majority is and even guys who are nice are usually sexuals, so I get why you just said to yourself romance isn´t worth the effort.

[Data]

Maybe you got burn out. Crushes don't come that often so I wouldn't jump to conclusions, maybe your standards just got higher as you got more grumpy, and pessimistic realistic.

[ghostwriter]

In response to MadRat - I know now that not all guys are jerks, I was just feeling really bitter after what happened.

[Guest]

I am aromantic and think couples are one of the cutest things in the world when they are happy. I think you may have just trained yourself to think negatively in that bitterness. I dont think it is healthy to be nauseated by something as common as romance, so you might try looking more at the happiness of the people instead of the phyiscial actions. Ive learned not to wince every time a couple is kissing in public at school, and I wont pretend it is easy, but changing how you think helps lots.

[Almagest]

Aromantic just means lack of romantic attraction. It has nothing to do with one's views on romance or romantic relationships.

[Vdougie]

You cannot become aromantic. You either are one or not. I am aromantic myself.

[ghostwriter]

well, I don't become nauseated by seeing couples kissing or flirting, in fact, I actually think it's cute. I just meant that if it were me who the person was flirting with or kissing, I would be repulsed. No matter who it was. And I know what aromantic means; I'm not trying to explain my view on relationships. I'm trying to explain how I used to view relationships, and how before that, I like romance. I felt a need for it. And, well, now....I don't. I used to think negatively about romance, but now I don't, now I just don't feel romantic attraction. I'm sorry. I should've known that no one would understand me. People usually don't, especially when I talk about this.

[Kolikeos]

A couple of months ago, I started noticing things around me (on the internet, at school, etc.) that made me feel like all guys were jerks. So for a while, I was just feeling really bitter about it, and then one day, I was finally just so fed up with it, that I said "you know what, I am never going to date, it's not worth it." The next day, I woke up, and I was like, "something's different...Oh! I dont feel an interest in dating anymore! I don't feel a need for romance!" At first, I celebrated, but then a few days later I thought I would investigate why, and that's how I found this site...but let's not get into that.

Anyway, I used to get crushes a lot, and sometimes I would get sort of obsessive...but now I feel like all I want is friendship (and cuddles. I like cuddles.) I used to like romance, but now it creeps me out and makes me feel like I want to puke. I don't think there's anything wrong with me. I just want to know if what happened (at the beginning of the paragraph) could've caused that.

P.S. by romance, I mean kissing, flirting, gazing meaningfully into each others' eyes, etc.

Had a very similar experience. I can still feel romantic attraction, but I don't want to ever be in a romantic relationship. And even if I do feel some attraction for a person, it will go away after a while.

[Elh]

Maybe you cant become aromantic, maybe its something you are borned with, but it might be that it took you a while to realize it. I have allways felt different, but never understood what it was. It took me 30 yeras to figure it out.

[Almagest]

well, I don't become nauseated by seeing couples kissing or flirting, in fact, I actually think it's cute. I just meant that if it were me who the person was flirting with or kissing, I would be repulsed. No matter who it was. And I know what aromantic means; I'm not trying to explain my view on relationships. I'm trying to explain how I used to view relationships, and how before that, I like romance. I felt a need for it. And, well, now....I don't. I used to think negatively about romance, but now I don't, now I just don't feel romantic attraction. I'm sorry. I should've known that no one would understand me. People usually don't, especially when I talk about this.

No, no, it's not that. The problem is when people use "don't like romance" or "don't want romance" as the definition for aromantic. It's like using "don't like sex" as the definition for asexual. It leaves out the people who are asexual and who like sex.

There are people here who understand (and share) your views on romance. I'm one of them. But aromantic is not the right word to describe those views. That's all. ^_^

[R_1]

If one cannot become aromantic, then why did I just turn heterosexual heteroromantic some long while ago? I turned asexual aromantic and asocial. I am far different than I was at 12.

[goodbye]

You cannot become aromantic. You either are one or not. I am aromantic myself.

I disagree, and I'm aromantic as well. I think sexual and romantic orientations are both fluid.

I agree with whoever said that aromantic means a lack of romantic attraction (no crushes, pretty much.) It doesn't have to do with being repulsed by romance or anything. However, I do sympathize with you on that-- the only romance I can stand is in fiction when it's used to develop the plot/characters...

Did you suddenly become aromantic? It's possible, but only you can know. I wouldn't be so quick to label myself if I were you.

[Astryda]

I think you may have just trained yourself to think negatively in that bitterness.

I second that.

I'd say you repressed your romantic feelings.

[Kolikeos]

Usually when someone says that, it sounds really negative. But I see nothing negative about repressing romantic feelings. Romantic feelings are temporary, if you ignore them when they first appear they will soon go away. Doesn't hurt anyone. Maybe even saved yourself a lot of embarrassment or heartbreak.

I see romantic commitment as something very restrictive. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship, not because I can't feel attraction, but because I just don't want to. So I think "repressing" my romantic feelings has only improved my life.

[Fleurtygirl]

Is "romance" even a solid concept? How much of romance is just socially constructed and contextual, and how much of it (if any) is actually a "real thing"? Sexual attraction =/= romance, we've pretty much made that clear, so what is the difference between a "romantic attraction" and a "sexual attraction"?

Is it "cuddling", "hugging", "looking in one another's eyes"? Even if those things aren't linked to sexuality somehow, then how can I know that they aren't just cultural cue cards to show "Hey, I like you a lot!" ?

I guess I see alot of people saying that you are "born aromantic" and I'm not convinced that that is the case. Born asexual? I'm more inclined to believe that, but aromantic? So much of romance is a game. Even the ways that men and women go about "being romantic" are different. If gender is constructed, then so is the dance that "makes" gender, so then wouldn't that mean that that element of romance (the one that is respective to each gender) is constructed as well?

I think we largely learn how to be romantic. I don't think it's inborn. So, yes, I do think you can "become" aromantic to a degree.

[Nogitsune]

I disagree, and I'm aromantic as well. I think sexual and romantic orientations are both fluid.

I agree with whoever said that aromantic means a lack of romantic attraction (no crushes, pretty much.) It doesn't have to do with being repulsed by romance or anything. However, I do sympathize with you on that-- the only romance I can stand is in fiction when it's used to develop the plot/characters...

Did you suddenly become aromantic? It's possible, but only you can know. I wouldn't be so quick to label myself if I were you.

Seconding that. And I'd even say label yourself if that's what would make you most comfortable - it's good to keep an open mind, but if you don't experience romantic attraction and believe you've become aromantic, well, at worst you'll find you were wrong and have to re-label yourself in the future. No big deal (or at least, it doesn't have to be).

Being repulsed by romance by itself doesn't say anything about your romantic orientation, yes. However, I'm yet another aromantic who usually doesn't find romance cute and that doesn't make me "repressed", just like my feelings regarding sex don't have any bearing on whether I experience sexual attraction (I'm definitely repulsed by the idea of having sex myself). Being repulsed by something only becomes a problem if it affects you or other people in a negative way - I'm not going to take a guess as to whethet that's the case here... though looking at your other post, being repulsed by the idea of kissing or flirting with someone is definitely not automatically unhealthy.

So yeah, I'd say "becoming" aromantic is in fact possible. It's also possible that you just "need a break", or that you're aromantic now and will become romantic again in ten years. Orientations can be complicated, and for at least some people they are fluid. As has been said, you're the only one who can deterime what you do or don't experience.

[Nymzie]

Is "romance" even a solid concept? How much of romance is just socially constructed and contextual, and how much of it (if any) is actually a "real thing"? Sexual attraction =/= romance, we've pretty much made that clear, so what is the difference between a "romantic attraction" and a "sexual attraction"?

Is it "cuddling", "hugging", "looking in one another's eyes"? Even if those things aren't linked to sexuality somehow, then how can I know that they aren't just cultural cue cards to show "Hey, I like you a lot!" ?

I guess I see alot of people saying that you are "born aromantic" and I'm not convinced that that is the case. Born asexual? I'm more inclined to believe that, but aromantic? So much of romance is a game. Even the ways that men and women go about "being romantic" are different. If gender is constructed, then so is the dance that "makes" gender, so then wouldn't that mean that that element of romance (the one that is respective to each gender) is constructed as well?

I think we largely learn how to be romantic. I don't think it's inborn. So, yes, I do think you can "become" aromantic to a degree.

I'm aromantic and really want to reply to this, but I have that whole big problem of trying to put a complete lack of something into words Maybe romantics do learn how to be romantic, and it is a cultural thing. But at the same time I'm aromantic and I know the cultural romantic rules, but unlike romantics I am just... completely detached from them. I dunno I can't explain. I've learned about romance, I think romance is cool, but I am 100% aromantic. If its not inborn, then where did my aromanticism come from?

I agree with the poster who said you might just be burnt out. It seems pretty common for romantics to get over romance and stop desiring it temporarily. Or maybe you are aromantic. People change when they get older. I think "turning aromantic" is like turning "gay" or "straight," highly unlikely, but not impossible. Then there is also the possibility that you've been aro all along and just haven't realized it until now. With all the bitterness you felt though I am thinking you're burnt out. Thats what bitterness does.

[98slbrookes98]

You cannot become aromantic. You either are one or not. I am aromantic myself.

I disagree, and I'm aromantic as well. I think sexual and romantic orientations are both fluid.

I agree with whoever said that aromantic means a lack of romantic attraction (no crushes, pretty much.) It doesn't have to do with being repulsed by romance or anything. However, I do sympathize with you on that-- the only romance I can stand is in fiction when it's used to develop the plot/characters...

Did you suddenly become aromantic? It's possible, but only you can know. I wouldn't be so quick to label myself if I were you.

I have to agree with both the bits in bold. And to the OP, only you can decide but as others have said I wouldn't be too quick to label yourself.

I personally identify as homoromantic asexual simply because I have crushes on and fall in love only with women and it's always been like that. I briefly wondered at 16 if I was biromantic but eventually recognised that I was merely fascinated by charismatic fictional males or male soap psychos and I certainly didn't want to kiss them on the lips or be romantically involved with them. So I naturally stuck to the homoromantic label because that's the best way to describe my identity. I too have sometimes asked myself if I am aromantic simply because;

1. A combination of falling in unrequited love once or twice with straight women, being scared of meeting an aggressive/violent lesbian and generally being tied to my family/culture has led to me always being single so far

2. When in India on holiday I use "want to remain single" to cover the fact that I love women because India insits on being homophobic which does affect me despite my asexuality since I am homoromantic and can't admit it there.

3. My frustration with my situation, being used to being alone and me valuing the freedom/independence of my single status might make me think romantic relationships are not worh the effort but that is an expression of temporary frustration and I would if completely alone eventually feel lonely and want a romantic relationship with another woman.

But none of those three things make me aromantic because I am still capable of falling in love with women and still experience crushes/unrequited love etc for women.

[CDSM]

Romantic feelings are based on emotions, which can be heavily subject to change.

It's entirely possible, for instance, to become so burnt out on failed attempts at romance that one can no longer feel romantic feelings or a desire for romance.

[helana12_03]

I'm pretty sure you can - I know I have. I went from being completely aromantic to being heteroromantic (unfortunately, I even fell in love). Then I went back to being aromantic (haven't had a single crush in years).

[the-letter-a]

A lot of people say things like they're not going to date anymore and that relationships aren't worth it but the truth is that whatever relationship you are in, it's not always going to be easy and there will be people who will put you down. I've always found any relationship more than friends and romantic connections uncomfortable and didn't realise until recently that there was a word for this. Truthfully, it might have been yourself forcing the idea that you don't need to date that's making you feel this way if that makes any sense.