goodbye Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I was wondering-- if asexuals can participate in sex for reasons other than sexual attraction, or can even enjoy sex, can the same idea apply to aromantics in romantic relationships? For example, if an aromantic has a squish on someone or is asked on a date with a romantic, could ze begin dating said romantic despite not feeling romantic attraction? (Not could in the sense of permission, just... does this ever happen?) As an extension of that, as asexuals can get aroused, enjoy, or even desire sex without experiencing sexual attractions, do aromantics experience romantic feelings when in a relationship despite not feeling romantic attraction? I am what I like to call a pseudoromantic (basically a fancy term for an aromantic in denial/an aromantic open to romantic experimentation) so of course this question has been bugging me. I've never experienced romantic attraction/had a crush, nor do I desire a relationship, but the idea of one... intrigues me. It's something I'd like to try someday just to see what it's like. I'm really curious as to whether any other aromantics have tried out a romantic relationship and had romantic feelings without attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I've never felt any desire for any kind of long-term or romantic relationship and the one I'm in is roughly as romantic as a wrestling match. I honestly don't feel as though I'm capable of falling in love and I don't think I'd be comfortable in a long term relationship with someone who is in love with me. I'd feel terribly guilty knowing how painful unrequited love can be. Link to post Share on other sites
NamTar Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I'm aromantic and was in some short trem relationships, then a LDR that lasted 5 years. Why did the LDR end? Because I wasn't romantic at all, pretty much, and he wanted someone more warm and cuddly and mushy. I could try, certainly I am capable of cuddling, but I am NOT good at saying "I love you," because I don't experience these kinds of warm fuzzy feelings. I'm not too keen on making out. I was okay with having a bunch of sex whenever we were together (every month or two), but I am AWFUL at faking romance. To explain why I was with him: I didn't know better. He was a nice guy and we had common interests.I guessed he was good looking. Everyone thought this meant we should be a couple, including him, so I agreed, thinking the romantic feeling would come later. It didn't. Now I have learned my lesson: that I should've been friends with him, not a girlfriend, and on a larger scale: I do not desire romantic relationships AT ALL. I am much happier and more comfortable single. The closest thing I have to romantic feelings is when reading books/watching movies, and that's more like living vicariously through other people. I HATE RomComs; I mean other types of fiction that happen to include a bit of romance. As an extension of that, as asexuals can get aroused, enjoy, or even desire sex without experiencing sexual attractions, do aromantics experience romantic feelings when in a relationship despite not feeling romantic attraction? I feel like that wouldnt be the same thing. Asexuals enjoying sex, and I used to be one, enjoyed the physical sensation or the idea of sex./ They STILL didn't experience sexual attraction for their partner. I'm not sure. As for my BF of 5 years, I loved him, but not in a romantic way. I loved him the same way I love my friends and never had a single "romantic" feeling for him. Link to post Share on other sites
goodbye Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 The closest thing I have to romantic feelings is when reading books/watching movies, and that's more like living vicariously through other people. I HATE RomComs; I mean other types of fiction that happen to include a bit of romance. I do that, too! That's one of the reasons that relationships are intriguing to me. It's not like I instinctively want one, and I would be fine without, but the way people act and talk about them makes me so curious.... As an extension of that, as asexuals can get aroused, enjoy, or even desire sex without experiencing sexual attractions, do aromantics experience romantic feelings when in a relationship despite not feeling romantic attraction? I feel like that wouldnt be the same thing. Asexuals enjoying sex, and I used to be one, enjoyed the physical sensation or the idea of sex./ They STILL didn't experience sexual attraction for their partner. I'm not sure. As for my BF of 5 years, I loved him, but not in a romantic way. I loved him the same way I love my friends and never had a single "romantic" feeling for him. I know, but can't you be IN a relationship without ever having a crush on your partner? It reminds me of how arranged marriages are sometimes described-- the fact that you are in the marriage/relationship (or, in the case of asexuals enjoying sex, when you are actually having sex) can allow romantic feelings to develop without ever having a crush on your partner. Does that make sense? Like... being really good friends with someone, and in the right context, able to experience romantic feelings without attraction... Link to post Share on other sites
NamTar Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I know, but can't you be IN a relationship without ever having a crush on your partner? It reminds me of how arranged marriages are sometimes described-- the fact that you are in the marriage/relationship (or, in the case of asexuals enjoying sex, when you are actually having sex) can allow romantic feelings to develop without ever having a crush on your partner. Does that make sense? Like... being really good friends with someone, and in the right context, able to experience romantic feelings without attraction... Well, yes, and I know that from experience. I had a friendship-attraction to the guy I was with; he had a romantic-attraction to me. I don't know about the romantic feelings though. It didn't happen for me, but I can sort of imagine it just because, like I said, I can live vicariously through other people and fictional characters. Likewise, I experimented with trying to fantasize about the feelings of romantic and sexual attraction, with limited success I think, but I haven't had such feelings in real life, in a real situation with a real person. Link to post Share on other sites
Singulaire Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 "Aromantic but open to romantic experimentation" quite closely matches how I would describe myself. However, rather than "pseudoromantic", I refer to it as "being a scientist", or "scientist" for short. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Aromantics are perhaps capable of having a romantic relationship, despite lack of romantic attraction or desire. There are probably asexuals capable of having a sexual relationship despite lack of sexual attraction or desire. For me, I feel quite capable of having a romantic and sexual relationship for either gender, despite the lack of attractions or desire. There is no real need for anymore labels Link to post Share on other sites
MadRat Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I think I could have a romantic relationship with another asexual but I need to be often ignored and neglected. :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to post Share on other sites
misstanding Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 Speaking as an aromantic who has been in romantic relationships, of course aromantics can/do enter into romantic relationships. That said, I have never felt any romantic feelings when in a romantic relationship. I feel like getting those feelings later on in a relationship might be the definition of demiromantic, but I'm not sure about that. Maybe someone who identifies as demiromantic could answer that question better? Personally, I feel like there are some problems with aromantics entering into relationships with romantics. This is based mostly on my own experience (which, admittedly, is not broad). If the aromantic partner doesn't make their feelings (or lack thereof) clear to the romantic partner, it can lead to some unpleasant issues if the romantic partner feels unsatisfied with the depth of the relationship and doesn't know why. Even if the aromantic partner does make their stance on romance clear, it can still lead to some issues (more of the "I thought I could handle it but now I realize I can't" type, I think). So, basically, there's no reason an aromantic can't enter into a relationship with a romantic partner, but it can definitely lead to some issues down the line. In that respect, I imagine it's not unlike an asexual person entering into a relationship with a sexual person. Link to post Share on other sites
goodbye Posted April 20, 2012 Author Share Posted April 20, 2012 Speaking as an aromantic who has been in romantic relationships, of course aromantics can/do enter into romantic relationships. That said, I have never felt any romantic feelings when in a romantic relationship. I feel like getting those feelings later on in a relationship might be the definition of demiromantic, but I'm not sure about that. Maybe someone who identifies as demiromantic could answer that question better? Personally, I feel like there are some problems with aromantics entering into relationships with romantics. This is based mostly on my own experience (which, admittedly, is not broad). If the aromantic partner doesn't make their feelings (or lack thereof) clear to the romantic partner, it can lead to some unpleasant issues if the romantic partner feels unsatisfied with the depth of the relationship and doesn't know why. Even if the aromantic partner does make their stance on romance clear, it can still lead to some issues (more of the "I thought I could handle it but now I realize I can't" type, I think). So, basically, there's no reason an aromantic can't enter into a relationship with a romantic partner, but it can definitely lead to some issues down the line. In that respect, I imagine it's not unlike an asexual person entering into a relationship with a sexual person. I suppose that makes sense. I don't totally understand the idea of unrequited love or romantic attachment to people, so I guess it didn't occur to me that romantics would be hurt as a result... I think the difference between a demiromantic and what I'm talking about is that a demiromantic could eventually become romantically attracted to someone as a result of being friends, whereas I'm talking about being able to experience romantic feelings (I keep thinking of stereotypes from movies/TV, like "butterflies" or having your heart race, but it would be nice if a romantic could explain it to me...) by being put into a romantic situation. Like amyb said, it's possible for aromantics to live vicariously through fictional characters' romantic relationships, so I wonder if this idea can be applied to real life, if that makes sense. I think I can imagine myself enjoying a romantic relationship, even though I don't exactly "crave" one, don't get crushes, and wouldn't have the same connection with the other person. It's interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Almagest Posted April 22, 2012 Share Posted April 22, 2012 I was wondering-- if asexuals can participate in sex for reasons other than sexual attraction, or can even enjoy sex, can the same idea apply to aromantics in romantic relationships? For example, if an aromantic has a squish on someone or is asked on a date with a romantic, could ze begin dating said romantic despite not feeling romantic attraction? (Not could in the sense of permission, just... does this ever happen?) As an extension of that, as asexuals can get aroused, enjoy, or even desire sex without experiencing sexual attractions, do aromantics experience romantic feelings when in a relationship despite not feeling romantic attraction? Sure, why not? You don't need to be attracted to someone to have feelings for them. Link to post Share on other sites
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