Question for Demisexuals

[MadRat]

This is a question for demisexuals only. I´m curious how long period of time demis need to start to feel sexually attracted to someone.

Let´s say you meet someone on a "day No 1".

How much time do you need to build up strong emotional bond and start to feel sexual attraction? Months? A year? Several years?

[noysoffer]

It really depends on the person, but on average (for me, personally) about a year.

[WünderBâhr]

To be honest, there is no average. In my opinion, you're not going to find a set number or statistic, and that's because everyone is different. That is almost like asking how long it takes for anyone, regardless of sexuality/romantic orientaton/what-have-you, to fall in love. And for demis, the qualifiers could be different from person to person.

Just saying, I'm not sure you're going to get an accurate answer because it would be extremely hard to pinpoint such a thing. My experiences have varied, but I can say I've not felt that immediate attraction on any level toward another person right off the bat. At first sight or overnight has not been a thing for me. So... process of elimination toward your question, maybe?

[The Bearded One]

For me it's not a matter of time, it's a matter of social distance. The terms I use to describe social distance (decreasing order) are;

from away

from around here

someone I notice

someone I recognize

acquaintance

someone I know

friend (intimate)

The relations "lover" and "companion" are the same distance as "friend", but have a different "flavor".

Minimum time seems to be about a month from "acquaintance" to "friend", but only if we're both working at it. Maximum time depends on what opportunities for social interaction are available, and how "one-sided" the relationship is. Attraction also builds up slowly, similar to the rate social distance decreases. It's not just suddenly "there" one day.

I once experienced something I think is "friends at first sight", ...and it was mutual! We felt a strong urge to "get to know each other".

My social bonds are primarily intellectual, rather than emotional. Attraction only starts after intimacy is achieved, and then only with some individuals ( I'm "selective" :lol: ).

[Kaniner]

It's very hard to really answer that for many reasons.

1. It depends on the context. If people meet me with the intention of dating, I find it actually takes longer. People in that context try to be more flirty and such, and often that makes me feel uncomfortable and makes it take longer until I feel comfortable that things are established as just a friendship and I can enjoy their company without worry or awkward moments. (Too bad people call this the "friend-zone" and consider that the "no-intemacy or attraction ever, at all" zone XD. If I meet someone as a friend it can take less time.

2. It's difficult to tell when the switch happens. It's not as black and white as "dating" and "friend." There's a sort of... gradual shift over a long period of time that you don't really notice happening, at least in my experience. With the people I've been interested, it's just months of hanging out and getting to know them, and eventually I start to slowly realize that I can't....can't NOT spend time with them? It's not just like "Alright, it's been a year. We can have sex now!" It just sort of slowly changes into something.

Overall I'd probably say it takes me maybe a year? My first person that I was interested in took maybe... 1.5-2 years, actually? It was during a time when dating never crossed my mind, so maybe it just took me longer to realize?

[Marquis25]

Well I've only ever been sexually attracted to one person, my current (and first) boyfriend. I have been romantically interested in guys in the past, but the division for me seems to be being in a relationship (or possibly knowing that my feelings are requited). After we started dating, it took me about a month and a half to two months before I was sexually attracted to him.

[Wineblood]

I've only been sexually attracted to 3 people and in each case it tooks months, minimum 4 but sometimes more.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

For me - anywhere between a few months and never....

Like others have said, it varies. For me it really depends on the person and what sort of connection I have with her. When I was younger, I could be tricked into wanting sex with someone fairly quickly out of infatuation (like as little as a couple of months - which is still very long by usual modern hookup culture/sex by the third date standards obviously!), but these days when I'm older and more jaded, it takes longer because I have a more mature outlook on love, and can't be easily carried away by puppy love/intense irrational crushes.

Basically for me it seems like it has to feel like the person is the love of my life, or at least a kind of "best friends with a romantic spark" relationship. This kind of intimate friendship can't develop very quickly obviously. So a few months of intense getting-to-know-you-time is the bare minimum.

Interestingly, ever since I've learned about demisexuality/asexuality, I've grown "more" demisexual. I guess it's a bit like any latent orientation. Once you accept it in yourself, it comes out and you can't cheat it anymore. I suppose it's similar to gays who dated the opposite sex when younger - and possibly quite enjoyed it, even if things felt somehow "off" - but then once they figured themselves out they just couldn't do it anymore. So at this point, I'm so "take it or leave it" about sex upfront that I'm more or less asexual. It's really hard to predict how things will go next time I meet someone that gives me a chance to test it.

[Rivan Vox]

Honestly?

Anywhere from two weeks to two years. It depends on whether the person plays to my fetishistic preferences. A red-haired girl is going to be fast-tracked, so to speak, as will an older woman.

How quickly you can establish rapport with a person is highly variable! For my girlfriend of three years, I only started have sexual feelings for her after we'd already been together for two.

A big, very big factor is how they interact with me, physically. If I can be physically intimate with them - hugs, cuddles, massages, just exploring their body in general - I'll start having feelings for them relatively quickly.

[Slinx]

This is difficult for me to answer but I think I will try as best as I can.

My one and only actual boyfriend, I knew for probably two years before becoming really good friends with him and actually talking to him daily. We were really good friends for probably another year before we started dating, and we were dating for probably two years before I started having sexual feelings towards him that I was comfortable with.

From day 1 like literally the first day I ever talked to him, that's 5 years. However, from when we were actually friends rather than acquaintances who happened to be in the same band class and talked occasionally, more like 3 years.

My other male friend whom I dearly love but started feeling sexual attraction to (ugh, no!) I knew for about 3 years (again, band) before being friends, and another 3-4 before being attracted. However, he was friends with my boyfriend AND was dating my best friend of 13 years so I was RATHER DISTRESSED I started feeling attracted to him and pretty much squashed that as soon as possible. Curiously, that actually seems to have worked.

[Wineblood]

Anywhere from two weeks to two years. It depends on whether the person plays to my fetishistic preferences. A red-haired girl is going to be fast-tracked, so to speak, as will an older woman.

Agreed with the red hair. One of the people I've gotten sexually attracted to has red hair and now I'm finding that generally more attractive. Maybe I'm just projecting but it's nice to have my preferences made so clear to me.

[Aspiecat]

For me, I was immediately interested in his aesthetics, then came the intellectual/emotional attraction, then deeper emotions. That took about a week or so to get that deep. As for sexual attraction, that is an interesting part of it, because thinking about sexual activity with anyone grosses me out, except for contemplating it with him. And as I have never been in love or even 'connected' with anyone in thia way before, perhaps that is why there is sexual attraction, but again, only with him.

[soulmatevn]

oh, it really depends. For me, it was 3 years and it came unexpectedly. (TMI, perhaps) While we were having dinner together, he smiled at me and I suddently felt that his lips were so yummy. From that time on, I always wanted to kiss him and then hug him. (We had done those things before but I felt nothing). Was that I was sexually attracted to him?

[MiniLo]

Took me until meeting my now-husband in person to become sexually attracted, which was about... 8+ months. In the months when I'm not with him, my sexual attraction basically goes into hibernation, and other kinds of attraction come to the fore. As for what my timeframe is with someone in my immediate sphere, I wouldn't know because I've never dated or really found anyone sexually attractive in my day to day life. :P

[ithaca]

To be honest, there is no average. In my opinion, you're not going to find a set number or statistic, and that's because everyone is different. That is almost like asking how long it takes for anyone, regardless of sexuality/romantic orientaton/what-have-you, to fall in love. And for demis, the qualifiers could be different from person to person.

This

[Verust]

I have been attracted to one person. I knew this person for about 5 years but it was over the internet (with some voice chat or skype). I did not slowly develop an attraction/interest - for me it happened over a week or two.

.

I am hoping it does not take that long if I meet someone for the first time as I don't believe I have any "potential's" out of my friends.

[Sketch Doge]

For me the one time I legitimately felt sexual attraction, enough to where I wanted to preform the act, it took over a year.

[The Bearded One]

A big, very big factor is how they interact with me, physically. If I can be physically intimate with them - hugs, cuddles, massages, just exploring their body in general - I'll start having feelings for them relatively quickly.

Here's this "physical intimacy" concept that I don't understand. Doesn't "If I can touch them" mean the same thing here as "if I can be physically intimate with them".

For me, touch is a means of communication (like words, voice, eyes, expressions, etc.) while intimate is a description of social distance (like acquaintance, or someone I know, but closer). Social distance is based on shared, purely mental objects like thoughts, feelings, associations, beliefs, etc. which have no physical existence. What is "physical" "social distance"? I can be "intimate" with someone thousands of kilometers away (I am their friend) and I can communicate with a stranger (I shake their hand). Touching may change social distance, but is it actually part of it?

Can somebody help me here?

[Sketch Doge]

A big, very big factor is how they interact with me, physically. If I can be physically intimate with them - hugs, cuddles, massages, just exploring their body in general - I'll start having feelings for them relatively quickly.

That honestly sounds more like arousal. And to be honest it seems quite normal that you would be more interested in something sexually that you can be with in real life. I don't know. Anyone agree?

[MadRat]

A big, very big factor is how they interact with me, physically. If I can be physically intimate with them - hugs, cuddles, massages, just exploring their body in general - I'll start having feelings for them relatively quickly.

That honestly sounds more like arousal. And to be honest it seems quite normal that you would be more interested in something sexually that you can be with in real life. I don't know. Anyone agree?

I think it is normal but not for me. I´ve never been sexually or romantically interested in accessible people. I have a suspicion that inaccessibility is really a basic requirement for me to feel attraction. If I can never get into a situation where the other person would expect from me sex or relationship I don´t need to stress about anything. It´s safe.

EDIT: I´m not demi.

[Rivan Vox]

A big, very big factor is how they interact with me, physically. If I can be physically intimate with them - hugs, cuddles, massages, just exploring their body in general - I'll start having feelings for them relatively quickly.

Here's this "physical intimacy" concept that I don't understand. Doesn't "If I can touch them" mean the same thing here as "if I can be physically intimate with them".

For me, touch is a means of communication (like words, voice, eyes, expressions, etc.) while intimate is a description of social distance (like acquaintance, or someone I know, but closer). Social distance is based on shared, purely mental objects like thoughts, feelings, associations, beliefs, etc. which have no physical existence. What is "physical" "social distance"? I can be "intimate" with someone thousands of kilometers away (I am their friend) and I can communicate with a stranger (I shake their hand). Touching may change social distance, but is it actually part of it?

Can somebody help me here?

The difference is what inspires the touch. It's intimacy if spurred by mutual Eros.

A big, very big factor is how they interact with me, physically. If I can be physically intimate with them - hugs, cuddles, massages, just exploring their body in general - I'll start having feelings for them relatively quickly.

That honestly sounds more like arousal. And to be honest it seems quite normal that you would be more interested in something sexually that you can be with in real life. I don't know. Anyone agree?

Physical intimacy is arousing, yes. I wasn't talking about whether or not they are available, but how frequently they are available. If I'm getting to cuddle and kiss them every day, I'm likely to become infatuated VERY quickly, and after a few months that'll give way to genuine love.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

I dunno really, I wasn't paying attention. I'd known him for years, and I just kinda realised about six months ago "hey, this is a new feeling. what is it?" (lucky for me, he's more than willing to help me figure it out... :twisted: )

[Mystnerd]

I've fallen in love twice. I had been friends with both people since I was a little kid, but I had become closer friends with them before feeling attracted to them. They took about 9-12 months of being close and seeing each other often before I became sexually attracted.

[Valen]

As a lot of people have said - it varies.

For me, if the person is very open, honest and sharing then I get to know them faster, feel that deep emotional connection and may become sexually attracted to them faster. Usually I meet people that I've had sexual relationships with as platonic friends, and as we get to know eachother things can change. If I meet someone that is more focused on a sexual relationship with me from the beginning, it is usually a turn off because they don't seem to want to get to know me or allow me to get to know them at all. It actually scares me a little, from prior bad experiences and I'm likely to skiddadle.

The shortest time for me has been several months, and that was pretty much the two of us opening up our lives like a buffet(and I think this is very rare) and the longest was over a year, but probably would have been shorter if he wasn't in a relationship already.

[emberwing]

It depends on the person- some people I just think are super funny and nice from day 1 and that maybe evolves into a crush fairly quickly. Others take more time- a year maybe

And even then I classify some of those as 'squishes'- platonic crushes, where I want to get to know them really well, but as close friends. I generally get squishes far more than actual crushes.

Shortest was within a week- less than! Haha, we were at a week long sailing camp and by day three I was like "whoa crush time what even is happening"

Longest is more than a year- took me a year and a half to realize just how strong my Squish was on the person and it's still active now, though on a lesser level

[Bily]

It varied greatly for me. A lot of times it never happened with the person i was with thus my early on asexual lable. Then i met someone where after something like 2 months i felt sexually attracted to. Then met my current gf of 3 years it took me 1 month before i felt that attraction and i still do feel it on/off consistently depending on whats going on. It can make for a rollercoaster ride but i found a bit of just accepting how things are can make it not much of an issue.

[inoshishi83]

It depends the particular person: their personality, energy (like a aura vibe), etc. If I don't have an attraction within 1-2 months, that means it'll be strictly friends only. IDK if that's normal, but it's how I have been since I was 16. :|

[Awkward Turtle]

Like most of the folks on this thread, for me it can vary in huge degrees but one thing I'm coming to realize is that the emotional connection that precedes sexual attraction for me need not always be romantic. It has a lot more to do with shared trust, respect, emotional intimacy and willingness between both of us to make/let ourselves be vulnerable.

I've only been really attracted to a handful of people, and developing that kind of trust and friendship can take anywhere from a few weeks to several months. I usually realize that I'm attracted all at once, though, and I feel like a total creep because it's usually while (or immediately after) the other person is having a rough day. Them trusting me enough to cry or delve into something serious in front of me is a huge step towards being emotionally intimate, I think. I also recognize that in order for that to happen, we've probably been growing close in other ways and that's like one last check box in the column, but that's often how it's worked out for me in the past.

There are ways that I can tell really early on, though, that developing that kind of connection with someone could be possible (i.e. that given enough time, and actively getting to know each other, I could/will become attracted to someone). That has to do with conversational chemistry; if you've ever met someone and been instantly able to talk about anything and have the conversation just flow really well, you might know what I mean.

[abnor]

I find myself being sexually attracted to someone long before I feel romantically attracted :l

The sexual attraction can take anywhere from day 1 to several weeks, depending on what they wear and how they look.

The emotional attraction takes several weeks to several months, depending on how often I talk to them and see them, and how often I acknowledge my feelings.