Why are people so eager to begin a relationship on the first date?

[noysoffer]

So, here's something that I really don't understand - dating. The idea of dating is to find a potential romantic partner in someone whom you've met for the first time, such as blind dates, or someone whom you've had very limited contact with. But isn't it much better to find a romantic partner in a good friend, whom you've known for ages than to trust a nearly complete stranger to be a romantic partner? And why is it that on dates, people are so eager to determine whether the two parties can be potential matches?

A month ago, I went on the first date in my life. The guy was someone, whom I accidentally met on the internet, and he seemed wonderful. We spoke through email for about two weeks, until he asked me out. I actually really liked talking to him through online, because he was smart, interesting, and a lot like me. But when we met for our date, he kept on asking me whether or not I thought we are a good fit, and I kept on telling him that I cannot determine that from one date and probably not from 7 dates. He was also spending a large portion of the date analyzing, with me, what everything that we did means, such as what it means that I'd letting him hold my hand at point A, and not letting him kiss me at point B, etc. It kind of drove me crazy, because all I really wanted to do during the date is talk to him about our common interests, which we have a lot of. The part of the date that I did enjoy a lot was the part when we were talking about our interests and studies. I came to the date with no expectations about the future, and he came with so many expectations, that it scared me. In his defense, he's 27 and I'm 19, and he was post-breakup.

I really don't understand why he was so worried throughout the entire date about a potential future, when all what there really was to worry about is whether or not we'd both have a good time, which I'm sure we could've had a great time, if he weren't so worried. In general, I don't understand why is it so important to people to find a romantic partner. I'm aromantic, but I can understand the appeal in having someone who understands and loves you, but I don't understand why is it so important (to the point that people go on dates to deliberately find someone) to find someone like this, and why are people willing to trust a first date to be that someone. Isn't it better to simply go with the flow, in such a way that the chances of meeting the right fit are greater and the pressure is much lower?

After that not so successful date (though we did remain friends), I went on date with someone else, whom I met on a social networking site, and eventually learned that he's my T.A. Lol. Anyways, both of us came to the date with no expectations at all, and we both had a wonderful time. We aren't exclusive (maybe we are, but that's only because we are both shy and geeky and lead stressful lives...lol), and we don't know if we'll ever have a future, and quite frankly, we both agreed that all that matters at the moment is that we enjoy each others' company a lot and find each other to be interesting and impressive and the physical attraction is only a bonus. I wouldn't even really classify our date as a classic date, but labels really don't matter, and they are quite stressful. This type of post-first-date relationship is much healthier and less stressful for both parties, than rushing into a relationship that would or wouldn't work.

So can someone please explain to me why are so many people so eager to put a label on a relationship after a first date, when it's obviously much less stressful on both parties, such that the chances of a potential future rise, to simply go with the flow? Shouldn't dating simply be a way to find great friends, who may become romantic partners, and not a way to rush into a relationship out of loneliness or something?

[cleuchtturm]

Agree wholeheartedly. I often wonder why people don't just try to be friends first. It would take off so much pressure. And what the hell is the difference between a date and simply spending time together? Is it the analysis?! :lol:

[Philip027]

So, here's something that I really don't understand - dating. The idea of dating is to find a potential romantic partner in someone whom you've met for the first time, such as blind dates, or someone whom you've had very limited contact with. But isn't it much better to find a romantic partner in a good friend, whom you've known for ages than to trust a nearly complete stranger to be a romantic partner?

Yeah, I'm this way. I simply cannot look at a stranger I know nothing about and view them underneath any sort of prospective romantic light. Doesn't matter what they look like; looks mean nothing to me. I consider myself demiromantic, for this reason.

And why is it that on dates, people are so eager to determine whether the two parties can be potential matches?

They don't want to feel like they're wasting their time, I guess.

[Sally]

I'd bet the 27-year-old guy wasn't dating so much as he was desperately trying to replace his former relationship. Also, sometimes when people get near to being 30, they wonder if they're going to find someone. As long as it was simply an on-line conversation, he could cover up his anxiety but in person, he couldn't.

[Notte stellata]

I absolutely agree with you, although I haven't experienced anything like this. If I did, I'd probably be driven crazy too. I also need to be friends first, and there shouldn't be any pressure or expectations in the early stage. I don't think rushing into a relationship after a first date is common though. Most people need at least a few weeks before considering a serious relationship.

And what the hell is the difference between a date and simply spending time together? Is it the analysis?! :lol:

LOL, good question! I don't think there has to be any difference, but for highly sexual people, probably the main difference is they start sexual contact as early as the first date.

[cleuchtturm]

And what the hell is the difference between a date and simply spending time together? Is it the analysis?! :lol:

LOL, good question! I don't think there has to be any difference, but for highly sexual people, probably the main difference is they start sexual contact as early as the first date.

Then skip the date and go straight to bed! Why the run around? :lol:

[noysoffer]

Agree wholeheartedly. I often wonder why people don't just try to be friends first. It would take off so much pressure. And what the hell is the difference between a date and simply spending time together? Is it the analysis?! :lol:

I don't really know, but I've realized the following aspects of a date:

1. The guy pays - no bill splitting

2. They meet with a hug or a peck on the cheek, not a handshake.

3. They are two people who were not friends before the date.

4. A reoccurring topic of conversation during the date is past relationships and what the parties are looking for in a relationship.

5. During the date, people are more likely to talk about what type of lifestyle they desire than about hobbies, interests, and work.

I guess that my date with my T.A. doesn't really qualify as a date, because we only had 2 and 3, and bills weren't necessary, because we were at my apartment. Lol

[cleuchtturm]

Agree wholeheartedly. I often wonder why people don't just try to be friends first. It would take off so much pressure. And what the hell is the difference between a date and simply spending time together? Is it the analysis?! :lol:

I don't really know, but I've realized the following aspects of a date:

1. The guy pays - no bill splitting

2. They meet with a hug or a peck on the cheek, not a handshake.

3. They are two people who were not friends before the date.

4. A reoccurring topic of conversation during the date is past relationships and what the parties are looking for in a relationship.

5. During the date, people are more likely to talk about what type of lifestyle they desire than about hobbies, interests, and work.

I guess that my date with my T.A. doesn't really qualify as a date, because we only had 2 and 3, and bills weren't necessary, because we were at my apartment. Lol

Those aren't the rules of dates. More like...guidelines. All of those things can be broken.

[1Eleven1]

I'm never too sure about that myself. I know I never wanted to date anyone, except for my current boyfriend, after I felt totally and completely comfortable and happy with him. I could never imagine dating someone after just meeting them. Totally get where you're coming from!

[Kitty Spoon Train]

This drives me a little crazy too...

Here's my theory: I think a lot of people see romantic relationships and friendships as essentially totally separate things, if not mutually exclusive. Certain types can be "just friends", and certain types can be "romantic partners". I've been trying to date through OkCupid for the last 2 months. One thing I've noticed is that a lot of people have this mindset. eg Initially my profile said that I've got a "being friends first" approach to dating. Some girls replied to my messages literally saying "That's boring! And I can't be attracted to my male friends anyway. If I'm attracted to someone, I feel too tingly and nervous to be 'just friends' with him. And if I'm comfortable being friends with a guy, then he's not the type I'll find attractive."

I think a lot of this nervousness comes from how much our popular culture emphasises a romantic-sexual pair bond to the exclusion of all else. Finding a partner thus becomes a highly focused activity, and not something one can just do casually by making friends and "seeing where things go". Thing is: when you step back and think about it, it becomes obvious that this would be a much more effective way to actually get to know somebody - not just get to know their dating persona.

Me? I've essentially dropped the idea of different relationship "types" altogether (I say this on my OkCupid profile). I really abhor the term "just friends" too. To me there is nothing "more" than friends. If I do choose someone to be especially close to, and a partner-type of sorts, it would mainly be from being very intensely emotionally/intellectually compatible - and more like what society would call "best friends for life" than what it would call a classical "romantic relationship". It's not that I'm aromantic or anything (quite the opposite - I'm very affectionate but also very demisexual), I just don't trust wild oxytocin spikes - real love is deeper and more enduring. And to me it has to be built on deep friendship rather than a fleeting hormone rush.

[Notte stellata]

Some girls replied to my messages literally saying "That's boring! And I can't be attracted to my male friends anyway. If I'm attracted to someone, I feel too tingly and nervous to be 'just friends' with him. And if I'm comfortable being friends with a guy, then he's not the type I'll find attractive."

OMG that logic is sooo alien to me. I can be attracted to my male friends (but don't have to act on it), and I never felt nervous with my boyfriend. I think the popular culture emphasises the "infatuation" part of dating too much: when you're dating, you're supposed to feel those little butterflies, feel nervous, can't breathe, etc, and you're supposed to have these feelings upfront. Otherwise it's not romance, but "just friends". For me, the best kind of relationship (actually probably the only way it can work) should develop naturally from friendship. In this case the feelings are mutual and gradual, so no one ever needs to feel nervous.

P.S. This reminds me of questions like this on relationship forums: "He/she is totally comfortable with me, and can tell me all the personal things. Does it mean I'm already friend-zoned?" Beyond. My. Comprehension. :lol:

[noysoffer]

Some girls replied to my messages literally saying "That's boring! And I can't be attracted to my male friends anyway. If I'm attracted to someone, I feel too tingly and nervous to be 'just friends' with him. And if I'm comfortable being friends with a guy, then he's not the type I'll find attractive."

OMG that logic is sooo alien to me. I can be attracted to my male friends (but don't have to act on it), and I never felt nervous with my boyfriend. I think the popular culture emphasises the "infatuation" part of dating too much: when you're dating, you're supposed to feel those little butterflies, feel nervous, can't breathe, etc, and you're supposed to have these feelings upfront. Otherwise it's not romance, but "just friends". For me, the best kind of relationship should develop naturally from friendship. In this case the feelings are mutual and gradual, so no one ever needs to feel nervous.

P.S. This reminds me of questions like this on relationship forums: "He/she is totally comfortable with me, and can tell me all the personal things. Does it mean I'm already friend-zoned?" Beyond. My. Comprehension. :lol:

I really don't understand this logic as well. We should date someone who makes us feel comfortable, not someone who makes us nervous. How can we be intimate with someone who makes us nervous? I really don't understand how these types of relationships even work. Isn't it much better to fall in love with your best friend, someone you know and trust and feel totally comfortable around?

I guess this kind of explains why so many people divorce, because they marry someone who gives them butterflies and is a mystery to them, instead of marrying someone who they know well and can share everything with. Lol

[MadRat]

We should date someone who makes us feel comfortable, not someone who makes us nervous. How can we be intimate with someone who makes us nervous? I really don't understand how these types of relationships even work. Isn't it much better to fall in love with your best friend, someone you know and trust and feel totally comfortable around?

I guess this kind of explains why so many people divorce, because they marry someone who gives them butterflies and is a mystery to them, instead of marrying someone who they know well and can share everything with. Lol

This should be carved in stone. *thumbs up*

[Kitty Spoon Train]

We should date someone who makes us feel comfortable, not someone who makes us nervous. How can we be intimate with someone who makes us nervous? I really don't understand how these types of relationships even work. Isn't it much better to fall in love with your best friend, someone you know and trust and feel totally comfortable around?

I guess this kind of explains why so many people divorce, because they marry someone who gives them butterflies and is a mystery to them, instead of marrying someone who they know well and can share everything with. Lol

This should be carved in stone. *thumbs up*

+1

[Midnight Lady]

Well, as a demisexual, I totally agree with the notion "Why to rush things? Let them grow naturally!". But I can understand the second approach as well. People often put their profiles on dating sites, because it does look like a little bit of cheating. You tell your story, you read about another person (and on OkCupid you can answer thousands of questions as well). And you think that you have passed that moment of not rushing. Now you can actually rush, because when you get older, you are pressed with time and lots of duties (work, household, friends, family, etc etc). Therefore, as I say, people start to forget what it is like to communicate just for the sake of communication. After all, if they need friends, they already have tons of friends when they have passed 23-25 year-old moment.

Therefore, sometimes it can be helpful to see if the person on this site has this mindset, or if he/she is genuinely interested in communication and building friendships first. I usually refuse to meet right away - and it takes off more than 50% of respondents, because they will say something like "Oh, I don't want to waste my time on the internet communication". And also, when I really miss the good communication, I can start talking to people from different cities/countries. They will communicate in a very relaxed manner (if they do reply). So, it can be fun too. ^_^

[Janus the Fox]

Agree wholeheartedly. I often wonder why people don't just try to be friends first. It would take off so much pressure. And what the hell is the difference between a date and simply spending time together? Is it the analysis?! :lol:

I don't really know, but I've realized the following aspects of a date:

1. The guy pays - no bill splitting

2. They meet with a hug or a peck on the cheek, not a handshake.

3. They are two people who were not friends before the date.

4. A reoccurring topic of conversation during the date is past relationships and what the parties are looking for in a relationship.

5. During the date, people are more likely to talk about what type of lifestyle they desire than about hobbies, interests, and work.

I guess that my date with my T.A. doesn't really qualify as a date, because we only had 2 and 3, and bills weren't necessary, because we were at my apartment. Lol

Those aren't the rules of dates. More like...guidelines. All of those things can be broken.

Nah... that's from the "unwritten rule book of love", break one of those then your off to love jail with you!!! :lol:

[Member33070]

x

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

I think it depends, really, on the context behind the date. If the person you're dating is someone you don't know that well and you've not known them for that long, then expecting a relationship is a bit ridiculous. However, I'll use myself as an example of the opposite.

So when I asked out my boyfriend, I didn't actually say "let's go on a date" - what I said to him was that I wanted a romantic relationship. He told me that he had feelings for me, but he wanted us to go on a date first - but the entire date, we were holding hands and flirting and by the end of it, we basically said that yes, the relationship would go ahead. This guy isn't some random guy who I barely knew - I'd known him for years, and it had been plain for a long time that there were some serious unresolved feelings there. It was kind of obvious that a relationship was so incredibly likely, I wouldn't have faulted him for just saying yes to my initial offer of a relationship. So for that kind of situation, I see no problem in jumping straight in. But if it's someone you don't know so well - yeah, that's kinda creepy.

[Miranda B]

So can someone please explain to me why are so many people so eager to put a label on a relationship after a first date, when it's obviously much less stressful on both parties, such that the chances of a potential future rise, to simply go with the flow? Shouldn't dating simply be a way to find great friends, who may become romantic partners, and not a way to rush into a relationship out of loneliness or something?

My thinking is, first, people on the whole are very insecure about their sexuality, about being loved, etc. Making it into a contract - i.e he/she pledges she loves me, will be with me in the future, and say we're together on facebook (lol!) - relieves them of their fears. I think this is a cultural problem, as in many ways the media etc etc endorses unhealthy possessive relationships. You might like to read Osho's short piece called "The Honeymoon That Never Ends" for an alternative. Starting a relationship should be free flowing, you're absolutely in the right, and those you have dated have something to learn from you.

Yes you would think the main concern of going on a date would be having a *good* date...

It probably does have a lot to do with quenching loneliness, too. But what's certain is it's not about making the relationship better or treating you well.

[.diva plavalaguna.]

Shouldn't dating simply be a way to find great friends, who may become romantic partners, and not a way to rush into a relationship out of loneliness or something?

I'm going to answer no to the first part, and yes to the second. I'm only saying no because I don't want to date people to find friends. I prefer getting to know them as friends in a friends-setting first. So it's us hanging out with friends at the mall, or by ourselves but still in a public setting. And if we are close enough then I would trust being completely alone with that person. But going on a date with a complete stranger seems really weird to me. I'm nervous and clumsy and shy enough around my friends. It gets much worse with people I don't even know. :/

[*Orion*]

I think loneliness does play a certain factor. I know in my last relationship we were pretty much boyfriend and girlfriend by the end of the first date. On my part it'd been awhile since my last relationship and I was eager to be with someone again. In her case she'd split up from her boyfriend of three years about a month prior and obviously wanted someone to fill that role.

I ended up feeling like I was being treated like a rebound (she talked about her ex quite a lot and even engaged in text conversations while I was sat right next to her) because, if I'm honest, that's probably exactly what I was to her.

Still I've learned my lesson. I'm not going to rush into relationships in the future especially and I'm not going to ignore big warning signs like I did last time.

[elf_1half]

I don't understand it either. The last first date I went on for the most part went well and we seemed to hit it off, except he kept bringing up things he wanted to do in the long term, like "Over the summer we should do this," and "When you meet my friends and family you'll see this..." It made me feel very uncomfortable, I didn't want to imply that I'd commit to things with someone I only knew for a few hours but I didn't want to seem rude or uninterested. I think it makes much more sense to take things one step at a time.

I think part of it has to do with how quickly some people fall in "love." Up until I met this person, who admitted to falling in love very quickly, I really thought the concept of love at first sight was just something you saw in the movies. Some people apparently decide they are in love right away and don't need to get to know you. Again, I don't understand that. How can you be in love with someone you barely know? I feel that he is more in love with the physical appearance of me along with some idealized version he has of me in his head rather than the real me.

[Naosuu]

I think the sad fact is that most people tend to confused lust with love-at-first-sight. Most people tend to experience love and sexual feelings simultaneously, if not intimately connected to each other. So if anyone told me that they fell in love with me the moment they met me, I would roll my eyes. Seriously? Thanks for telling me you wanted to bang me when we met. <_<

On dating, I've always been confused about the "rushed" and almost manipulative nature of dating. Play hot, then cold... keep them guessing. One weird rule I"ve seen is when to call your date back. Never right afterwards, never the day afterwards... the golden time frame seems to be 2-3 days. Ok, seriously? What if you really like the person? Just (wo)man up and be honest. If they think less of you because you "called them too soon", then you should probably not pursue this person.

I agree that friendships and relationships are seen as mutually exclusive and loneliness is a common reason to date (although a bad one), but I also think it has a lot to do with perception: K doesn't like it when I call him bro. The first time this happened I found this very strange... I personally think that "bro" and 'dude" are synonymous and I casually call a lot of my male friends and acquaintances these names. I mean, why not? The way I interact with guys will be a lot more casual, I can make penis jokes and a bit more snarky than when I'm with girls.

To K, being a "bro" was like being friend-zoned: to be someone whom you would have a close but completely platonic relationship with. After all, at least according to him, you can't date a "sister". I've noticed that one of my others friends, whom I affectionately call my "Korean brother (from another mother)", applied this same logic. He explicitly said that he can't date a "sister". Hmm.

I think it could also depend on how aware you are of the compatibility between you and your date. I'm sure one person can meet many attractive people, but if Bob is a totally relaxed person while Alice is very controlling... then you know, it's going to be really difficult, if not impossible, for them to stay together. I suppose if one can still get along with that person despite some key differences/deal-breakers, they can remain friends as well.

[test account]

Agree wholeheartedly. I often wonder why people don't just try to be friends first. It would take off so much pressure. And what the hell is the difference between a date and simply spending time together? Is it the analysis?! :lol:

I don't really know, but I've realized the following aspects of a date:

1. The guy pays - no bill splitting

2. They meet with a hug or a peck on the cheek, not a handshake.

3. They are two people who were not friends before the date.

4. A reoccurring topic of conversation during the date is past relationships and what the parties are looking for in a relationship.

5. During the date, people are more likely to talk about what type of lifestyle they desire than about hobbies, interests, and work.

I guess that my date with my T.A. doesn't really qualify as a date, because we only had 2 and 3, and bills weren't necessary, because we were at my apartment. Lol

As someone who's been on a ton of internet initiated dates, what you're describing is my idea of a bad date. When the guy won't just treat you like a friend, it's too formal and can come off as controlling. Of course, if you don't "click" he can't treat you like a friend very easily, and the formality of paying, kissing your cheek upon leaving, only preserves everyone's dignity.

I would say that if a person is openly concerned with whether or not you match on the first date, they are shopping for a partner rather than just meeting people. It's one way to go about things, and may indicate a controlling personality from what I've seen, or an insecure type who just wants the business of dating over with as soon as possible.

[Philip027]

I think the sad fact is that most people tend to confused lust with love-at-first-sight. Most people tend to experience love and sexual feelings simultaneously, if not intimately connected to each other. So if anyone told me that they fell in love with me the moment they met me, I would roll my eyes. Seriously? Thanks for telling me you wanted to bang me when we met.

If that first meeting is based on appearance only and no actual knowledge, words, or insight about the other person, then yeah, that kind of thing usually elicits an eyeroll from me too.

[Mr. Shuttershy]

Did I catch that right? You're aromantic...but going on dates?...

[Notte stellata]

Some people apparently decide they are in love right away and don't need to get to know you. Again, I don't understand that. How can you be in love with someone you barely know? I feel that he is more in love with the physical appearance of me along with some idealized version he has of me in his head rather than the real me.

I think the sad fact is that most people tend to confused lust with love-at-first-sight. Most people tend to experience love and sexual feelings simultaneously, if not intimately connected to each other.

Can't agree more. I always think love at first sight is actually lust/attraction at first sight. Love is so much more than liking the physical appearance! But some people claim "when I first saw him/her, I knew he/she would be my future husband/wife", which obviously isn't only about physical attraction...Very alien notion to me anyway.

On dating, I've always been confused about the "rushed" and almost manipulative nature of dating. Play hot, then cold... keep them guessing. One weird rule I"ve seen is when to call your date back. Never right afterwards, never the day afterwards... the golden time frame seems to be 2-3 days. Ok, seriously? What if you really like the person? Just (wo)man up and be honest. If they think less of you because you "called them too soon", then you should probably not pursue this person.

Again, can't agree more. Why act according to those stupid rules rather than your true feelings? Anyone who plays such dating games with me will be out immediately.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Can't agree more. I always think love at first sight is actually lust/attraction at first sight. Love is so much more than liking the physical appearance! But some people claim "when I first saw him/her, I knew he/she would be my future husband/wife", which obviously isn't only about physical attraction...Very alien notion to me anyway.

I sometimes mildly get the "love at first sight" feeling, but it's on a completely asexual romantic level and based more on outward signs of compatibility than on pure physical looks...

Eg. Sometimes when I see a nerdy, bookish type girl on the train - reading a book which I can appreciate, and wearing something like a geeky t-shirt or something else I can relate to. I guess that makes me see a whole bunch of things we have in common upfront, so I can have a bit of a vague "squish at first sight" moment. Since I'm demisexual, this isn't lust - but if she's a particular cute type that carries herself a certain way, it can kick off a sort of ace-romantic cuddle urge. ie "OMG I just wanna hold her and cuddle her, she's soooo cute!! And obviously so smart if she's reading Nietzsche and wearing a ThinkGeek t-shirt!!"

Anyway, this is pretty rare (and getting rarer the older and more realistic I get), but this must be what the "love at first sight" phenomenon is based on - this kind of sudden connection of outward compatibility points. I can imagine that with a strong sexual attraction in the mix, this sort of thing could feel quite powerful. These days I kinda laugh at myself when it happens though.

[Notte stellata]

Sometimes when I see a nerdy, bookish type girl on the train - reading a book which I can appreciate, and wearing something like a geeky t-shirt or something else I can relate to. I guess that makes me see a whole bunch of things we have in common upfront, so I can have a bit of a vague "squish at first sight" moment. Since I'm demisexual, this isn't lust - but if she's a particular cute type that carries herself a certain way, it can kick off a sort of ace-romantic cuddle urge. ie "OMG I just wanna hold her and cuddle her, she's soooo cute!! And obviously so smart if she's reading Nietzsche and wearing a ThinkGeek t-shirt!!"

LOL, that makes more sense than pure physical attraction. If I see a guy reading a book I particularly like, I can imagine myself having a "squish at first sight" sort of thing, mostly a desire to get to know him. But cuddle urge...I'm not sure, probably not. :P I don't think such scenarios have happened to me anyway.

[noysoffer]

Did I catch that right? You're aromantic...but going on dates?...

Yeah, exactly. It's simply a way for me to meet people, because my social life has been limited to university only up until now.