Squishiculties

[Venturi]

Hi! This is my first, non-welcome-lounge-post, I'm very new here so one thing you should know about me is that I am very squishy. I had no term for how I could be (squishy), until I found Aven, but it neatly categorizes a huge part of my nature. I've been squishing on folks for years and just found the whole thing confusing. Now, I have some perspective. Some of my squishes have become central to my life, others are unrequited and some, like this one I'm going to outline to you, have become quite messy. I'm interested in finding out if anyone else has had similar experiences?

For the record, I've decided to try and be honest about myself here (a very odd notion given my online roots), lay everything on the line for scrutiny. Details will come out over time I'm sure but here, I think I should indicate I'm bi-polar, its necessary for the context of the situation.. Hum, no, actually, it isn't but it is a factor. When I met the people I am going to tell you about, I was a mess and very vulnerable. They were kind and wonderful and I still consider my self indebted to them both. They got me out of a dark place. Context. Trust me, give me time and I will be the nebula of TMI

It was the male of the couple who went out of his way to befriend me. We'd done a compulsory (both unemployed at the time) course based around self employment together and become passing friends. (We would run down to the pub during lunch break, quaff pints, natter and laugh, then roll back to the inherently corrupt, ridiculous course). Now, i should point out that this fellow is the most extrovert, social creature I have ever met. He takes waifs and stray's like me under his wing, he's an older guy, very Caribbean, in his fifties and he's the bee's knees in many things... with his share of matching flaws of course but still very cool. I was very depressed, self loathing at the time. I hid it at the time of course but for long term friendships... no. Things drifted after the course finished, but he'd decided I was interesting, worth the time and went out of his way to court my friendship. I met his then partner through this process and, after much persistence on his part, we all became the bestest of friends.

Now, his partner, how can I describe her? ... I was on a bus with her once and this little girl points at her, looking all shifty and whispers: "Look mum, its Morticia." That's pretty accurate, she looked like Morticia Addams, Gothy, glamorous and elegant. She made her own clothes, these wonderful split, pencil skirts and embroidered bodices.. What can I say, I utterly squished her. There was nothing sexual about it, she was the partner of my best male friend, someone who had been kind to me, supportive of me but... well, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. I was a very close friend with him too, we talked about everything, the same with her mind. It was great fun, I was kinda squishy on them both. She more but him too, we did so much together and I would feel happy when I sensed they wanted time with each other, I was tuned into them. The third, non-sexual wheel. Close, intimate even but other. It was great.

Morticia became very close though, to the point where she would confide the most intimate details of their relationship. The guy, while he could be wonderful, wasn't perfect, three was conflict there. In retrospect, I should have seen what was on the horizon. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable about being so knowledgeable of their problems, being in the middle, but was so besotted with Morticia, I'd do anything for her. Now around this point, the guy, (he's pretty sharp), figured there was something going on between us and started getting insecure/defensive about it. Sometimes, when we'd drunk too much, it'd get nasty, I'd be accused of wanting to sleep with her or even that I already had. Please remember, I didn't even have a word for a squish back then... Things escalated.

I wasn't the reason they split up, that was something in the dynamic of their relationship, but I didn't help matters, that's for certain and by being Morticia's sounding board, I found myself having to offer up things I knew about both of them to each of them, very messy.

They split up They are still friends and I am still friends with both of them, though I no longer consider Morticia a squish, it was too much, being in the middle of that meltdown.

Squishes, even the word itself, makes them seem humorous, inconsequential, but they're not, they're serious. Very important to me certainly. This was a troubling time for me and I still feel guilt about my hand in their breakup, however small it might have been = or not so small, I'm still not sure.

Is there room for a squish in an already existing relationship from a third party? Is it that squishes are not generally understood destructive? If squishes were understood, what would that mean? Create?

Confused but still a hopeless squish.

[Mongoose]

First things first - huge sympathies! It sounds as though you've had a pretty difficult time.

Secondly, yes, I can relate to this a lot, and I love your word "squish". I'd like to borrow it, if I may, because it's a very good way of describing a strong emotional attachment that nonetheless isn't a romantic crush. (I am heteroromantic, and still not quite sure where I fit on the asexuality scale, but I'm either grey-A or demi... possibly a bit of each.) I think squishes are poorly understood even by people who get them, so they must generally be pretty confusing for those on the other end of them.

One thing I can say pretty much for certain is that squishes aren't confined to people on the asexual spectrum. My sister is sexual, and she gets a lot of squishes, often on priests or monks (which I suspect is because they are safe; if there were any signs that they weren't, she'd back off).

And I also think we need more squishiness in the world. Because not every strong emotional attachment needs to be romantic, even if one generally is the romantic or even the sexual type. :)

[Venturi]

Thank you for such a cool response Mongoose

For the record, the term 'squish', I have so pilfered from Aven, I can't put any claim on it but it really is so wonderful a definition in a neat package. Squishes are serious business though. Its love without the need for the sex thing. I will attest, from personal experience how beguiling it can be. When you love someone, you will go above and beyond for them, do things for them that you would never consider fore anyone else. Squishes, in-my opinion are love, you'll go just as far for your squish as someone who's shagging someone would for their shag. Now of course, when your squished on Morticia, who shagging cool Caribbean male and is totally hetro herself but kinda savy and realizes you are more than a simple friend but doesn't worry about why, just treats you like her closest confidant because that's the way she can understand it... Oh my, you get it? ;)

[Mongoose]

Oh yes, I get it, and thank you for the add. :) I've never had a same-sex squish, but I totally do understand about jealousy and other difficulties caused by squishes, because someone else can't tell a squish from a crush (and, to be fair, they can look very similar from the outside). And, yes, squishes are love... just without the complicated bit er, I mean sex. ;)

[Venturi]

Hum, now, I think I am capable of a degree of sexual attraction. At least, how I understand sexual attraction. The more I've looked at Avens very insightful definitions, the more I fear I'm not seeing the same definition as anyone else but hey, there you go, I'm some degree of asexual, so what can you expect huh? Anyways, what I wanted to say, was that my squishes are not gender specific... though I'll admit to focusing on one gender more than another, I can squish on the lesser gender quite regularly. When I was a teeenager, this was very confusing, because the limited degree of sexual attraction I can foster is much more gender specific (if not absolutely so).

I must admit, I wonder if being asexual (grey I'm sure) can promote more open-mindedness in sexual gender preference. I'm not really fussed about either. I prefer one but can see charm in the other too.

Oh, um, I feel I should add this: If I'd completely outed to Morticia, she wouldn't have gone along with it. She would never have been a companion, sex is to important an element in any relationship she has.

[_Dee_]

I also find it a little... I don't even know, but it's sometimes a little annoying that the word for something that's caused you really intense feelings sounds silly and unimportant.

Sqiushing both people in a couple sounds like it would be the sort of thing that's really good when they're getting along and really bad when they're not. I haven't experienced it myself, though. Usually there aren't even close mutual friends. How is it hearing so much about a squish's flaws? When mine get really strong, I won't even notice bad things about them unless it's extremely obvious or they tell me that they consider it a problem. (It's a bit of a problem when I get like that about the squish I met in high school, because when she doesn't communicate with me very often (I left town for college, and usually it's an IM or phone conversation once a week or a visit of a few hours once or twice a week when I visit home) I sometimes start thinking it means she doesn't like me anymore. It took a while to get it through my head that she has a problem with remembering to reply to emails.)

I've had three, or maybe four squishes. One was this kid in elementary school who I felt drawn to for no apparent reason. I assumed it was a crush at the time because he was a boy and I was a girl and other girls talked about having crushes on boys. It wasn't ever very intense, though - I never got to know him because I was too socially awkward to figure out how to indicate that I wanted to be friends. After that I didn't have anything I could be sure was a squish until senior year of high school. I gradually started squishing on a friend (I'd met her just that year, but the squish didn't develop until I felt like I knew her fairly well), and that one is still my most intense squish. Since then I squish off and on on one of my online friends, and at one point I had a slight one on one of my roommates, but I'm not as sure of that one.

Do you think squishing intensity has anything to do with whether you're as close to the person or seeing them as often as you want to? I suspect I might have a lot of small primary squishes that I never recognize as such because I get to be friends with the person fairly quickly and there isn't that feeling of wishing I could be with them when I can't. Secondary squishes tend to be most noticeable when I haven't seen the person in a while or think it's not reciprocated for some reason.

I think squishes not being understood or even known about by most people does make it harder. Mistaking one for a crush a few months ago gave me a lot of grief - the girl I was squishing on (the friend from high school again) is straight and a bit against homosexuality, so I ended up deciding I had homoromantic feelings I couldn't tell her about and I'd wait and hope that years from now she'd get more open minded and I'd be able to tell her. Also tried to figure out how to be a gentleman at one point because of a movie character she seemed to be impressed by and after trying for a couple weeks decided I was too socially awkward to do it well and mostly gave up. And I remember wondering if I should feel dirty for fishing for hugs. I'm not sure if knowing what it was sooner would've made me act less like a lovestruck teenager, but it would've at least been less upsetting.

[Em_BR_Ace]

I have a lot of squishes, mostly on men (squishing women is incredibly rare), so I never had it for a couple. Problems, when it's mutual, are:

- He's straight, doesn't understand it and get very confused;

- His wife hates you, because she's jealous and it looks like "something else";

- He's married, but he wants "something else";

I have some sort of "squish ethics". I never told a squish I'm ace, because I just didn't know about asexuality until a couple months ago, but I'm planning to tell when the opportunity shows up (on the "Are you gay?" ). What I always did was letting them make the moves first. When they want to hold hands for the first time, embrace me for the first time, kiss my cheek for the first time, etc. i let them. From that on, I make the move from the second time on.

I noticed many straight men don't fell good displaying intimacy nearby other people. I don't condemn them for, let's say, not liking to kiss my cheek or be kissed on cheek in public - if sometimes it's hard for them to understand it, imagine the outside observers (sons, wives, relatives, friends, etc.).

In resume: I respect they personal space and values a lot, since some straight men dislike doing some things with other men in general (it doesn't mean they are ashamed about you).

PS: I fell like adding all of you in this thread as friends. Is that ok?

[_Dee_]

I have some sort of "squish ethics". I never told a squish I'm ace, because I just didn't know about asexuality until a couple months ago, but I'm planning to tell when the opportunity shows up (on the "Are you gay?" ). What I always did was letting them make the moves first. When they want to hold hands for the first time, embrace me for the first time, kiss my cheek for the first time, etc. i let them. From that on, I make the move from the second time on.

...

PS: I fell like adding all of you in this thread as friends. Is that ok?

Go for it =)

I sort of do that too. But I also don't initiate things much later on either - partly worried about it being awkward for her, and partly I'm awkward myself |'D

I also tend to have mostly same-sex squishes, but I think it might be because the strong ones are the ones I develop after I know someone well, and I haven't had any close male friends in a while, which makes me awkward around guys, and it's sort of a vicious cycle. (Now that I think about it, this isn't the case with all males, but I can't figure out what traits make me get awkward.)

[Significant Form]

I'm a heteroromantic, but all the squishes I ever get are same-sex. Currently I have a squish on two of my best friends, both of whom are ace, aromantic, and mutually squishing on each other. This causes no problems, since when I'm squishing on someone, I just want desperately to be around them, and that's usually enough.

[Mongoose]

Em_BR_Ace - yes, feel free, thank you! Sorry for the delayed reply; I was away over the weekend.

I think we need to talk more about squishes. I am almost exclusively heterosquishual, to coin a word, and... yes, that can cause some problems. The wife of one very long-term squish, oddly enough, seems to understand perfectly well that it is a squish on my part, but is jealous because she fears it may be something more on his. (I'm quite sure that either she's wrong or he's too much of a gentleman to try to do anything about it if she's right, but anyway, I'm afraid she's making his life difficult over it, which winds me up.)

The other thing I find is that it's really difficult to explain squishes to people who don't have them themselves. I have one very close male friend (I generally tend to get on with men better than women, though there are plenty of fine exceptions) who is highly logical and analytical, and he really does not get the concept at all. Thankfully, although I am extremely fond of him, he is not a squish, otherwise I suspect there would be a lot of confusion on both sides!

[Em_BR_Ace]

New friends added, thanks!

Homosquishual... That sums it up nicely.

Out of curiosity, do you say you love your squishes?

I understand maybe there are country-related issues, since here it's ok to love closer friends mostly and people usually get it on a fraternal sense - at least when I say my homosquishual "I love you", so far my squishes got it. In other countries, culteres, maybe it's a little too much.

I say it, often, mostly for some squishes that said it first.

Quick note on wives: While I feel good when my squishes are living happy relationships (that's a important part, since they probably won't get it wrong, putting you into a difficult situation as an aromantic ace), I dislike jealous wives. A lot. Have you ever told one of them "Hey, I'm an aromantic ace, I won't try to have sex wit your husband or try to destroy your marriage... We're just friends!" Because its something I see myself doing someday... :D When they're not jealous, they usually get it's a squish (dunno, maybe it's harder to heterosquishuals, since there's a taboo on very close female/male or male/female friendships)

[_Dee_]

This is probably a little off topic, but I feel like telling about it somewhere but don't want to make a new thread. Went to a meeting tonight where they were forming a sub-group of the GLBT club for women only (apparently the main club is overwhelmingly gay men and the females stopped coming), partly as an excuse to actually go to the GLBT center and find out if there were aces. There weren't any aces there and some of them didn't know what asexuality was, but it was really nice because after I explained it, I could talk about squishes without the awkward and it was wonderful.

Out of curiosity, do you say you love your squishes?

I understand maybe there are country-related issues, since here it's ok to love closer friends mostly and people usually get it on a fraternal sense - at least when I say my homosquishual "I love you", so far my squishes got it. In other countries, culteres, maybe it's a little too much.

I'm American. The culture does make it awkward. Several months after we became friends, school was out for a week and I was on vacation, and for some reason I just had to tell her I loved her then, and thought the way to do so was through an email full of circumlocution so bad that it was impossible to make sense of. We emailed back and forth a bit and I think I got a bit closer to actually explaining myself (something along the lines of "we're closer than most friends"). And then once we were back in school and I had a free period we went for a walk and I managed to say it, and luckily, it was mutual. We were saying "I love you... but not in that way" for a few months after that, but eventually dropped the "not in that way". I'm also pretty close with one of my other squishes, but we don't say we love each other. I'm not completely sure why, but I guess it's just the character of the relationship is sort of different. We don't really do sweet moments, the times we feel close are either venting sessions or getting really happy and excited.

[Mongoose]

Whether or not I say I love my squishes tends to depend on who they are and how I think they'll take it. If I think it'll make them wibble, I obviously hold back. But I will say it if I think I reasonably can. :)

I am actually not aromantic - I am heteroromantic - but nonetheless there is normally a clear line for me between a squish and a crush. A squish may occasionally develop into a crush if there is no obstacle, such as the other person being gay or already in a relationship. If there is an obstacle, it just won't, and it will stay comfortably squishy. I do think aces get the best deal. ;)