Me vs Fadi, who consideres me aromantic

[Tialda]

Love and Romance

It's a subject that's been fascinating me for some time now. What is love? What makes it sincere or unconditional? Everybody who believes to love someone seems to be convinced that their way is the right way, and then they feel hurt when their partner doesn't love the same, or rather expresses it the same way. I see couples in which both partners love each other, but where both think they are unloved or not understood. "I need to live in a clean house otherwise I get stressed, he knows that, so why is he messy? Doesn't he care? Doesn't he love me enough to bother to pick up after himself? I always support him in everything, try to help him organize his life, why can't he do just this thing for me?" But then: "Does she only love me if I pick up after myself? Am I not good enough just being me? How is that unconditional, she always tries to change me and how I live?" See my point? They both have an arguably valid point of view. Watching fights like these tend to drive me crazy, because I can see both their points of view and it's frustrating they can't. I shake my head and think: " You people don't get it".

My way of loving people is deeply set in the beliefs that we are all unique individuals, that we should just be our selves. That if I'm myself and you are yourself, and we match, we will naturally get along. That loving a person means giving instead of focusing on getting. That you look at the needs of the other and try to fill them. They want to be accepted? Accept them. They need a clean house, clean it. If they love you back, they'll do the same and you're both happy. I don't think I could play house with a neat freak though, showing them love by cleaning every day would be too much to ask for, matching personalities remember? But acceptance I'm good at.

For me unconditional love means unconditional acceptance. Wanting another to be happy, supporting whatever the hell it is that makes the other happy. This life is your unique journey on this planet, you should fill it the way you see fit. For me this leads to a total lack of jealousy and possessiveness. Go, do your thing, chase that career, follow that dream. Never be held back by me in anything, because I wouldn't want to be in the way of you living up to your destiny. Even up to a point where I can whish the other the best with another person. Loving unconditionally to me means letting go without hesitation if the other wants to leave. You are not mine, you are not property, you are a free soul on a journey. You don't need to stay here at my side for me to love you, I can love you across the universe, never physically meeting again. I need the same freedom. This goes for both lovers and friends. Friends can move countries or be too busy with work to see me, without me feeling upset for not having them around. If they ever reappear they can blend into my social life as if only a day has passed. I wish the best for them and they for me, when our paths at some point stop aligning that's ok. I still love everyone I've ever been friends with, regardless of where they are, regardless if things between us went bad and I felt it was best to go separate ways. For me loving means thinking about them and wishing them to be happy.

I was pretty set in thinking that my way of loving was the truest way. Unconditional to the max. Then I met Fadi, a colleague, and a total opposite to me concerning love. A loveable man, intelligent, spiritual, sincere, hot tempered, passionate and honest. I considered him a friend after our first conversation. I love having discussions with him. Mainly about love. It is interesting because for all my arguments he can come up with counterarguments, defending his point of view as fiercely as I defend mine. Fadi is from southern descent, I never bothered to ask where from. He has this Mediterranean fire to him. He uses phrases as “My wife is my Queen, and she should view me as her King” And “If she would ever cheat on me I would break her neck, how dare she accept my love and then disrespect it?” To me this sounds pretty mental.

There is mutual respect between us as human beings however and we both love to challenge each other’s way of thinking. We both believe we’ve met for a reason. I think he’s ruled too much by his emotions and he thinks I’m ruled to little by them. He believes men are more rational than women, I counter by saying I’m a woman and more rational than him. I say he is too hot tempered, he says that I am too cold. I wonder how he can live a life ruled by emotions, being ever truly happy and peaceful if he endures such highs and lows, he wonders how I can feel alive not being ruled by emotions, how I can ever feel rapture if I don’t allow for pain. I believe I’m peacefully happy, he believes he’s passionately happy. We agree on having different temperaments. He can’t imagine being like me, I can’t imagine being like him. It’s fascinating.

For me arguing means sitting down and calmly discussing the problem using rational arguments, for him arguing means having to buy new china. I wonder how another can understand my point of view if they get emotional instead of thinking it over. He wonders how I can be touched in my heart by the point of view of another if it doesn’t make me emotional. I ask how can you love another if you view them as an object to be possessed. He says how can you love another if they don’t touch you so deeply that you can’t live without them? I state: if you are a whole person on your own you shouldn’t need another to live, it’s egotistical to want to have someone devoted to you so you can feel whole. He states: humans are meant to be two halves of a whole, it’s nature. I believe partners should be a team, one plus one is two. He believes partners should be one.

He is extremely jealous, not having it when his woman as much as glances to another man. “Why would she need to look for a better one if she truly loves me?” I say jealousy stems from your own insecurities, a fear of being replaceable, why should you make another suffer for that? He says jealousy shows another how much you care, that they are your world and you’d be lost without them, it makes one feel special. I ask how can one feel loved by being captive? He asks how can one feel loved if you don’t seem to care if they leave? I wish to argue: “If they are my favorite person and I enjoy spending time with them, then why would I leave? And if that is mutual why would they leave? If you’re each other’s favorite you stay together out of free will, then there’s no need for possessiveness or jealousy to bind each other. So I shouldn’t mind if they leave because it tells me I’m not their favorite, which is OK because I don’t need to be someone’s favorite to be a whole and happy person. If they try to test my love by trying to make me jealous or threatening to leave and I don’t respond emotional, let them go without a hassle and they therefore think I don’t love them, they simply don’t get that I love them enough to let them go. It implies that they don’t love me like I love them”

He would argue: “Doesn’t it hurt if you’re not as special to them as they are to you?”

“It does, that I’m not ruled by emotions doesn’t mean I don’t have feeling, but that’s my pain, I shouldn’t bother them with it. Loving and accepting another means accepting that they don’t feel the same and not make them feel bad about it. Love isn’t always reciprocated, you can’t blame the other for it.”

I still firmly believe in my point of view on love. For me it comes down to the way of nature or the way of grace. Which side you choose to base your life’s philosophy on. However there are a few points in his way of seeing things that make me question. Mostly I wonder about the concept of two halves of a whole vs whole on your own. Am I viewing human experience too much in a spiritual light to surrender to being human? Am I maybe too scared to take on too much responsibility as to the happiness of another? I don’t want another to not be able to live without me, I want them to be whole on their own. But is that a selfless wish for their happiness or selfish? For I have more freedom to follow my dreams when I’m not needed.

I'm curious about the ideas of others on love and romance.