Jump to content

Experimental Relationships?


byanyotherusername

Recommended Posts

byanyotherusername

I always used to say that I would date if I ever found someone who was worth not being single for. The idea of a relationship seemed exhausting to me. I figured I would wait until I met someone who changed my mind, or just stay single forever. Then I found out about aromanticism and realized that I just wasn't drawn to people in that way and was unlikely to find an exception.

This leaves me with two options: accept it and never have a “typical” romantic relationship. Accept it and decide to have such a relationship anyway, despite the fact that I will (most likely) never meet someone I am romantically attracted to.

Both are very tempting. On the one hand, I never “got” what was appealing about relationships over friendships (besides the physical aspect, which meant very little to me). I never understood the appeal of an "exclusive" emotional bond or having someone you want to share all your experiences with and have intimately involved in your daily life (the prospect makes me feel a bit claustrophobic, to be honest). So, what's the point? On the other hand, now I know that I probably feel this way because I lack the intrinsic desire for that type of emotional intimacy. I do enjoy physical and emotional intimacy when it is platonic, and romantic intimacy would probably offer similar rewards, as well as other advantages I may have discounted.

So, I am tempted to experiment, if for no other reason then to “know what it's like.” At first, this idea seemed cruel to me, because surely I would risk of hurting someone who had feelings for me I was incapable of returning. But, the more I think about it, the more I don't think that necessarily has to be the case. And, after reading similar thoughts by others on AVEN, I decided to formally float the idea out there.

What do people think of “experimental relationships”? Are they ethical? Have others tried it? If so, what was the purpose of the experiment and what was the result?

What I have come to is that the purpose of a scientific experiment is to disprove a hypothesis. The only reason to experiment with dating for me would be to try and disprove my hypothesis that a romantic relationship isn't something I want or could benefit from any more than a friendship. Which would mean that for the experiment to work I would really have to try and cultivate a long-term, committed relationship, thus determining whether I am capable of maintaining and enjoying that type of connection. (As apposed to initiating a relationship designed to expire at a predetermined date, simply for the experience. I can see this being a separate, valid type of relationship experiment, but not one in alignment with my personal goals. Playing the dating “game,” as it were, is what appeals to me least about this endeavor, and a courtship intended to have no future seems likely to hinder the development of potential emotional closeness and support that I see as the main redeeming quality of romance in the first place.)

The only circumstance in which I would feel comfortable initiating a relationship of this type would probably be in the context of an established friendship with someone I already felt comfortable with who had romantic feelings for me. I don't currently have this type of relationship with anyone, but I have been in similar situations in the past and since I am young and reasonably social, I think it is possible that it will happen again in the future. I would be upfront and honest with them from the beginning that I was unsure if I was capable of a romantic relationship, but I wanted to try it, and that if it didn't work out they should not take it personally and ideally be willing to resume our friendship.

Of course, this would also entail me facing my fears about the physical expectations of a romantic relationship and figuring out where my boundaries are, which is terrifying enough for me to potentially talk myself out of the whole thing. >.<

Link to post
Share on other sites

Aside of hurting someone's feelings, notice one possible obstacle- you can't do that experiment if the person involved isn't your friend and with whom you have no emotional connection. You have to like them at least. Why? Because there's no relationship that will work unless partners are emotionally close to one other (unless you want it to be on a roommate kind of stage), thus to see whether you'd benefit from it or not, this relationship must have a background that would allow it to work if you weren't aromantic. You can't do it with a stranger, you know. But then, would you be okay with possibly hurting feelings of someone who you like? Anyway, you can tell them on beforehand that it's an experiment so they are prepared just in case of the break-up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I never “got” what was appealing about relationships over friendships (besides the physical aspect, which meant very little to me). I never understood the appeal of an "exclusive" emotional bond or having someone you want to share all your experiences with and have intimately involved in your daily life (the prospect makes me feel a bit claustrophobic, to be honest).

It makes me claustrophobic too.

It seems to me that romantics have some weird desire to lose all their privacy, while I don´t want to.

What do people think of “experimental relationships”? Are they ethical? Have others tried it? If so, what was the purpose of the experiment and what was the result?

I think experimental relationship is a bad idea.

I tried it and the only one thing which I can use to my vindication is that I had no idea what asexuality and aromanticism are at those times.

My reason was stupid, I just wanted to have a boyfriend to be "normal" and I was curious. I was 19, almost 20, and I wasn´t in a relationship before. I felt ugly, weird, unwanted, unlovable... I wanted to prove to myself I can have a boyfriend too.

So I found a guy on web site, we were chatting on internet for, I don´t know, one month? and then we decided to start to date irl. I wasn´t in love. It was more and more draining and I felt like everything is just wrong. Then I discovered certain things about him which I couldn´t accept (you know, people always pretend they are better than they really are at the beginning of a relationship) and I ended it.

I was lucky at least in 2 things - he didn´t pressure me into sex when we were dating, and he didn´t stalk me after I broke up with him.

I felt terrible. I knew I shouldn´t try any experiments and I would prevent disappointment on both sides.

I think when you do something for a wrong reason, it can never bring anything good.

If you still want to try experimental relationship, be aware you can ruin a good friendship. This is too precious thing to be ruined, IMO.

Link to post
Share on other sites
byanyotherusername

Aside of hurting someone's feelings, notice one possible obstacle- you can't do that experiment if the person involved isn't your friend and with whom you have no emotional connection. You have to like them at least. Why? Because there's no relationship that will work unless partners are emotionally close to one other (unless you want it to be on a roommate kind of stage), thus to see whether you'd benefit from it or not, this relationship must have a background that would allow it to work if you weren't aromantic. You can't do it with a stranger, you know. But then, would you be okay with possibly hurting feelings of someone who you like? Anyway, you can tell them on beforehand that it's an experiment so they are prepared just in case of the break-up.

Thanks for the response. :) I agree that it would need to take place in the context of a friendship, and I would definitely be completely honest from the beginning with anyone I wanted to try it with.

I never “got” what was appealing about relationships over friendships (besides the physical aspect, which meant very little to me). I never understood the appeal of an "exclusive" emotional bond or having someone you want to share all your experiences with and have intimately involved in your daily life (the prospect makes me feel a bit claustrophobic, to be honest).

It makes me claustrophobic too.

It seems to me that romantics have some weird desire to lose all their privacy, while I don´t want to.

A good way to put it! This is definitely my main fear. But I figure the relationship would go slowly and we would work up to the complete-invasion-of-my-life stage. XD I don't know if I could do it, let alone ENJOY it, but I look at it this way: I was a VERY shy, socially awkward and introverted child, who preferred the friends in my head to other live human beings. At some point in my early adolescence I decided that friends who weren't imaginary might be nice, so I taught myself to be more social and outgoing. This experiment lasted several years, and became very successful, to the point that when I tell people I'm introverted they sometimes don't believe me. XD People still wear me out, but I have slowly built up my tolerance to the point that I last much longer in social situations and don't need nearly as much alone time as I used to. And I realized that as a totally unexpected side affect of this, I get lonely if I spend much more than a week by myself, or will miss certain close friends after just a few days if I get in the habit of talking to them more often, which never used to be a problem. So, not only did I prove I was CAPABLE of friendships, but I have come to enjoy and have a higher need for that type of emotional intimacy than before. So, in theory, something similar could happen with romance, but I don't know.

What do people think of “experimental relationships”? Are they ethical? Have others tried it? If so, what was the purpose of the experiment and what was the result?

I think experimental relationship is a bad idea.

I tried it and the only one thing which I can use to my vindication is that I had no idea what asexuality and aromanticism are at those times.

My reason was stupid, I just wanted to have a boyfriend to be "normal" and I was curious. I was 19, almost 20, and I wasn´t in a relationship before. I felt ugly, weird, unwanted, unlovable... I wanted to prove to myself I can have a boyfriend too.

So I found a guy on web site, we were chatting on internet for, I don´t know, one month? and then we decided to start to date irl. I wasn´t in love. It was more and more draining and I felt like everything is just wrong. Then I discovered certain things about him which I couldn´t accept (you know, people always pretend they are better than they really are at the beginning of a relationship) and I ended it.

I was lucky at least in 2 things - he didn´t pressure me into sex when we were dating, and he didn´t stalk me after I broke up with him.

I felt terrible. I knew I shouldn´t try any experiments and I would prevent disappointment on both sides.

I think when you do something for a wrong reason, it can never bring anything good.

If you still want to try experimental relationship, be aware you can ruin a good friendship. This is too precious thing to be ruined, IMO.

I'm sorry to hear about your bad experience. :( I agree that no one should date for the "wrong reasons" but I think that defining what the "right reason" is can be difficult. While I would call any potential relationship an experiment because I don't know if it is something I am capable of, my motivation would still be to do my best to make it work, and I would only try it with someone I really cared about and wanted to be close to. I highly value my friendships and wouldn't want to put them at risk, but I would be completely honest with the person from the beginning, and have a long conversation with him/her to make sure (s)he understood that it might not work out because I might not be capable of a romantic relationship, and if this was the case that was no reflection on her/him, and make sure (s)he was still interested in pursuing a relationship with me despite the risks (and knew how valuable the underlying friendship was).

So far, this is all hypothetical, but were the opportunity to arise I would proceed with EXTREME caution.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Check out this thread - Dating as an Aromantic.

I've said before that I'm not the biggest fan of experimental relationships because of the pain I inadvertently caused the guy in my own "experimental" relationship. I do understand the appeal, though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I never understood the appeal of an "exclusive" emotional bond or having someone you want to share all your experiences with and have intimately involved in your daily life (the prospect makes me feel a bit claustrophobic, to be honest).

I don't get the appeal of an 'exclusive' emotional bond either. Then again, commitment scares me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course, this would also entail me facing my fears about the physical expectations of a romantic relationship and figuring out where my boundaries are, which is terrifying enough for me to potentially talk myself out of the whole thing. >.<

Have you ever asked your self if the root reason you are disinterested in romance/ relationships is a fear of allowing someone into your personal space?

As an outsider that's what I'm hearing:  you are trying to find a way around exposing your self and I dunno... I guess getting hurt or loosing a part of your self (call it "freedom" if you like).  

Link to post
Share on other sites

While I'm ok with experimental sex, I'm not ok with experimental relationships, unless you explain it's "experimental" (not as in "you're my test subject", but, as in "I'm not really into relationships, but I would like to try one with you since you're very special, I just can't make promisses..."). Just try to play fair without hurting other people and take care to not hurt their feelings by making the offer sound really bad.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I kind of understand what you mean when you wouldn't date unless someone was an exception. The fact of the matter is, dating isn't as interesting to some sexuals if sex is not involved. I feel as though sometimes it's hard to distinguish friendship from a relationship, especially if sex is removed. These are things that you will unfortunately need to discover for yourself. I personally only cuddle and kiss my boyfriend (I mean, I cuddle with my kitty and kiss relatives, but it's not the same).

I would suggest making it clear to whom your experimental relationship involved knew that it was experimental for you. Communication is key, talking about how you feel about the relationship works. If you want the relationship to move a lot slower, talk about it. It may not give you what you had wanted, but it will allow both sides equal ground and to know whether it's right for them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Are they ethical?

No. You don't experiment with other human beings unless you fully disclose that you're making an experiment. I don't know why anyone would want to participate in what you propose.

Link to post
Share on other sites
test account

My gut reaction is, every relationship is an experiment. And if you're going to experiment you need to do it properly. Don't sabotage it with saying "I'm running an experiment." You need to play the game by the rules--that is, create the environment that says 'I want this to work.'

Yes, you might hurt someone. That's unfortunately a risk in all relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites
byanyotherusername

My gut reaction is, every relationship is an experiment. And if you're going to experiment you need to do it properly. Don't sabotage it with saying "I'm running an experiment." You need to play the game by the rules--that is, create the environment that says 'I want this to work.'

Yes, you might hurt someone. That's unfortunately a risk in all relationships.

^ This.

Okay, I see from a lot of the responses that using the word "experiment" is triggering for some people, and the main concern is that I might lead on someone who has feelings for me as an academic exercise. The fear that I would hurt someone is why I have never entered a relationship before, despite having the opportunity to do so with people I truly cared about and felt a deep connection with. I would turn them down because I felt our relationship--as close friends--was perfect the way it was, and that it wouldn't be fair to date them if I didn't have romantic feelings for them. It never occurred to me that I might never have romantic feelings for anyone, and I sometimes questioned if something was "wrong" with me at these times. If I cared deeply about somebody, and enjoyed spending time with them, and felt like I could trust them and tell them anything, what more could I possibly WANT from a potential partner?

Then I discovered aromanticism and realized why, in these otherwise seemingly ideal situations, I never felt the desire to pursue a romantic relationship. So the question now is whether I am truly incapable of a romantic relationship, or simply incapable of romantic attraction--which, as it has been pointed out several times all over AVEN, are two VERY different things. I would consider an attempt to have a relationship an "experiment" for this reason, but it is NOT merely an academic exercise. In such a situation I would care deeply about the other person, be completely honest with them about where I'm coming from in the beginning, and try everything possible to make the relationship work. Since there are aromantics out there in successful relationships, for some it is clearly doable and I will never know if that is so for me unless I try.

I do not personally believe this is unethical, and the main reasons I asked that question is that a) people are free to disagree with me and b) I have seen some on AVEN propose relationship "experiments" that do seem to approach it intellectually, without considering that they would ever actually develop a lasting emotional connection. (Though I could be misunderstanding the intention.) I thought that was interesting. I would consider an experiment of this kind essentially pointless for my purposes. I already understand relationships on an intellectual level, the whole point of any type of experimentation for me would be to try and cultivate a real relationship, not some fascinating clinical trial. But I don't think even something of this type is particularly unethical as long as all parties fully know what they are getting themselves into and agree to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
byanyotherusername

Of course, this would also entail me facing my fears about the physical expectations of a romantic relationship and figuring out where my boundaries are, which is terrifying enough for me to potentially talk myself out of the whole thing. >.<

Have you ever asked your self if the root reason you are disinterested in romance/ relationships is a fear of allowing someone into your personal space?

As an outsider that's what I'm hearing:  you are trying to find a way around exposing your self and I dunno... I guess getting hurt or loosing a part of your self (call it "freedom" if you like).  

I have definitely considered this. Until I discovered aromanticism I thought this was probably why I never entered romantic relationships: the invasion of privacy, and eventual expectation of sex. But, after really examining it, I have come to realize I just have never felt romantic attraction before. Fear wasn't my main problem, a lack of intrinsic desire for that type of relationship was. These things will naturally come up in any romantic relationship I pursue, but they are not insurmountable obstacles. All relationships (even platonic ones) require a degree of compromise and sacrifice, and I think as long as things went slowly I could manage this in a romantic situation with someone I felt really comfortable with.

I know that for it to work I will have to risk being vulnerable, possibly getting hurt, and in a sense "lose" a degree of freedom. Though I have never liked looking at relationships that way. You don't lose your freedom, you choose to put certain limits on it so that you can have something you consider more valuable. If it doesn't feel like a completely worthwhile trade, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with you. If the person is cool and you're into them then it doesn't feel like loosing, it feels like gaining something great by being in a relationship. TBH I'm not sure what a non-romantic non-sexual (it is non-sexual) "relationship" would be like. To *me* that's the same a frienship. Maybe with a "best" title: best friend.

The thing is that you're a person with feelings like everyone else and if that's how you feel then you should go for it. :) If there is someone else out there looking for this kind of relationship then if I were you, I'd go for it. See what happens. If the other person isn't happy they'll let you know in one way or another. If it doesn't work out with one person but you enjoyed the relationship you can always try to find someone else. That's pretty much what everyone else does.

Recently someone wanted a long-distance relationship with me. I said, "no". Been there, done that. Hated it. At least I know that because I tried it. That person probably found someone else who said "yes". If you are honest you will find the right person faster.

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
byanyotherusername

TBH I'm not sure what a non-romantic non-sexual (it is non-sexual) "relationship" would be like. To *me* that's the same a frienship. Maybe with a "best" title: best friend.

I wouldn't consider it a "non-romantic" relationship, just because I am aromantic. Aromantic isn't about being apposed to romance or incapable of a "normal" romantic relationship, it's just about not naturally seeking or desiring it. I think the relationship would progress similarly to a "normal" romantic relationship (but probably at a slower pace): we would date, spend a lot of time together, if it works out really well move in together, etc. It might look different in small ways, in that even if it was spectacularly successful and, say, we got a house together, I would probably want my own room (though we could still sleep in the same bed; I just need my own space where I can go and close the door and people--even my partner--only come in when invited). It would contain a physical aspect that I don't have with my normal friends such as kissing, and eventually other things as I became more comfortable. Just which other things is a big "TBD," that may or may not include sex.

Good luck.

Thanks. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

That sounds nice. I can't imagine that you're the only person in the world that feels this way. There must be others and the right person for you. You've got 2 out of 3. 1. You know what you want (so many don't.)

2. You're honest about it.

3. Now you need to find a partner. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Delphi Doll

I would say that it's ethical to be up-front about it and that would be fine, but emotions are rarely that simple. I've been up front with several of my male friends about not having an interest in a romantic relationship yet they still seemed to try and get one from me. I honestly don't understand why, but despite me being honest the entire time, people still got hurt. I worry that something similar might happen in your case.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say that it's ethical to be up-front about it and that would be fine, but emotions are rarely that simple. I've been up front with several of my male friends about not having an interest in a romantic relationship yet they still seemed to try and get one from me. I honestly don't understand why, but despite me being honest the entire time, people still got hurt. I worry that something similar might happen in your case.

Sounds like they weren't honest with "being okay with it."

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say that it's ethical to be up-front about it and that would be fine, but emotions are rarely that simple. I've been up front with several of my male friends about not having an interest in a romantic relationship yet they still seemed to try and get one from me. I honestly don't understand why, but despite me being honest the entire time, people still got hurt. I worry that something similar might happen in your case.

This has happened to me too. Sometimes it's a case of they don't know what they want/they don't realize how much romantic attraction and romantic gestures play a part in their idea of a relationship, and other times it's that they don't think you know what you want. As in, they want to change you.

All you can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best ^_^ And I do wish you the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm pretty much the same and have been contemplating this particular experiment for some time. You've done a much better job than me of putting it into words, though.

I believe the experiment is ethical so long as the other party is fully aware that you are asexual+aromantic (the consequence of which being that you currently can't, and may never be able to bring to the table certain things that commonly occur in relationships) and that you cannot guarantee it won't fall apart spectacularly.

If you make any progress, do please keep me informed, it is very relevant to my interests.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, I see from a lot of the responses that using the word "experiment" is triggering for some people, and the main concern is that I might lead on someone who has feelings for me as an academic exercise. The fear that I would hurt someone is why I have never entered a relationship before, despite having the opportunity to do so with people I truly cared about and felt a deep connection with. I would turn them down because I felt our relationship--as close friends--was perfect the way it was, and that it wouldn't be fair to date them if I didn't have romantic feelings for them. It never occurred to me that I might never have romantic feelings for anyone, and I sometimes questioned if something was "wrong" with me at these times. If I cared deeply about somebody, and enjoyed spending time with them, and felt like I could trust them and tell them anything, what more could I possibly WANT from a potential partner?

Then I discovered aromanticism and realized why, in these otherwise seemingly ideal situations, I never felt the desire to pursue a romantic relationship. So the question now is whether I am truly incapable of a romantic relationship, or simply incapable of romantic attraction--which, as it has been pointed out several times all over AVEN, are two VERY different things. I would consider an attempt to have a relationship an "experiment" for this reason, but it is NOT merely an academic exercise. In such a situation I would care deeply about the other person, be completely honest with them about where I'm coming from in the beginning, and try everything possible to make the relationship work. Since there are aromantics out there in successful relationships, for some it is clearly doable and I will never know if that is so for me unless I try.

I do not personally believe this is unethical, and the main reasons I asked that question is that a) people are free to disagree with me and b) I have seen some on AVEN propose relationship "experiments" that do seem to approach it intellectually, without considering that they would ever actually develop a lasting emotional connection. (Though I could be misunderstanding the intention.) I thought that was interesting. I would consider an experiment of this kind essentially pointless for my purposes. I already understand relationships on an intellectual level, the whole point of any type of experimentation for me would be to try and cultivate a real relationship, not some fascinating clinical trial. But I don't think even something of this type is particularly unethical as long as all parties fully know what they are getting themselves into and agree to it.

I understand where you are coming from. I feel that you are looking at it in a really analytical way, as I would. I am also aromantic and have pondered these same scenarios - should I try dating someone just to see how it goes? But I have never done it because I simply do not find anyone remotely attractive or appealing enough to embark on any type of relationship.

Do you have anyone in mind for your 'experiment'? I was unable to find anyone suitable as honestly I don't understand how anyone can date people that they don't find attractive. I also am wary of giving people false hope - there is no point setting someone up for disappointment.

Link to post
Share on other sites
byanyotherusername

Do you have anyone in mind for your 'experiment'? I was unable to find anyone suitable as honestly I don't understand how anyone can date people that they don't find attractive.

No, I don't have someone in particular in mind yet. Guys with romantic feelings for me have been the bane of my existence since puberty, but now that I want one there are none to be found. XD

While I don't feel romantically attracted to people, I am attracted to them platonically. For an experiment like this I would wait for someone who I felt a strong platonic attraction to (perhaps someone I was "squishing on" so to speak), who liked me romantically.

I had something very intense of this kind with a guy last year. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot of the same interests and could have long, deep conversations. Just being around him always made me happy. Usually when guys have liked me in the past it's caused me to keep my distance, so they don't get their hopes up. But in this case it was hard, because I just enjoyed and craved his company so much...I realize looking back that I had a "squish" on him, but I didn't know such a thing existed at the time, and this slightly obsessive, but completely platonic attraction really confused me. I managed to convince myself for quite a while that he didn't like me (and thus avoid any feelings of guilt that I was "leading him on"), that we were just kindred spirits and he felt it too, and that's why he wanted to spend every waking minute he could with me. For a while it worked, because he was too shy to admit how he felt about me.

Eventually it became obvious enough that I couldn't be in denial anymore, and I explained to him that I didn't feel that way about him. At first I did felt a little bereft when he stopped looking for excuses to constantly hang out, and I would sometimes go weeks without seeing him, but we were still close friends and I adjusted to the less intense (probably healthier) state of our relationship. Now he has a girlfriend, which has made him even more distant. I don't think I feel "jealous," because I'm really happy for him (it's impossible not to be when it's making him so happy) and don't want the type of relationship with him he has with his girlfriend. But I do sometimes miss the super close connection we used to have.

I guess my "problem," has always been that, because I am aromantic, I meet my emotional intimacy needs in my friendships. I also don't really have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have I feel really close to. This is not, in and of itself, an issue, and is in fact a beautiful thing most of the time. I am very grateful to have these people in my life, but there are times when all or most of them are seeing someone, and that relationship meets the bulk of their emotional intimacy needs. So, while they still enjoy my company and may spend time with me, I'm not their top priority and they aren't going to feel my absence in their lives as quickly or acutely as I feel theirs if we go a while without seeing each other. Thus, in most of my relationships I feel like I am more invested than the other person. Then when a close friend has romantic feelings for me, it feels bizarrely equal--we both consider the connection the most important bond two people can share. But, of course, I feel this way about the current relationship and they feel it due to the possibility of something different that I am not looking for at all. So I turn them down, then feel hurt when they subsequently pull away from me (but, I hide it from them because I know it's totally unreasonable for me to feel...well, rejected, haha).

But with my new level of self-awareness, I think I could try a romantic relationship the next time someone like the guy I mentioned earlier came around.

I also am wary of giving people false hope - there is no point setting someone up for disappointment.

It's not "false" hope. There are aromantics who have successful romantic relationships. I do not know if it's something I am personally capable of because I have never done it before, but the hope is certainly not false, hope is pretty much what I'm running on. As Sweet Golden Executioner pointed out, any relationship might end in disappointment. That's no reason not to try.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you have anyone in mind for your 'experiment'? I was unable to find anyone suitable as honestly I don't understand how anyone can date people that they don't find attractive.

No, I don't have someone in particular in mind yet. Guys with romantic feelings for me have been the bane of my existence since puberty, but now that I want one there are none to be found. XD

While I don't feel romantically attracted to people, I am attracted to them platonically. For an experiment like this I would wait for someone who I felt a strong platonic attraction to (perhaps someone I was "squishing on" so to speak), who liked me romantically.

I had something very intense of this kind with a guy last year. We spent a lot of time together, had a lot of the same interests and could have long, deep conversations. Just being around him always made me happy. Usually when guys have liked me in the past it's caused me to keep my distance, so they don't get their hopes up. But in this case it was hard, because I just enjoyed and craved his company so much...I realize looking back that I had a "squish" on him, but I didn't know such a thing existed at the time, and this slightly obsessive, but completely platonic attraction really confused me. I managed to convince myself for quite a while that he didn't like me (and thus avoid any feelings of guilt that I was "leading him on"), that we were just kindred spirits and he felt it too, and that's why he wanted to spend every waking minute he could with me. For a while it worked, because he was too shy to admit how he felt about me.

Eventually it became obvious enough that I couldn't be in denial anymore, and I explained to him that I didn't feel that way about him. At first I did felt a little bereft when he stopped looking for excuses to constantly hang out, and I would sometimes go weeks without seeing him, but we were still close friends and I adjusted to the less intense (probably healthier) state of our relationship. Now he has a girlfriend, which has made him even more distant. I don't think I feel "jealous," because I'm really happy for him (it's impossible not to be when it's making him so happy) and don't want the type of relationship with him he has with his girlfriend. But I do sometimes miss the super close connection we used to have.

I guess my "problem," has always been that, because I am aromantic, I meet my emotional intimacy needs in my friendships. I also don't really have a lot of friends, but the friends I do have I feel really close to. This is not, in and of itself, an issue, and is in fact a beautiful thing most of the time. I am very grateful to have these people in my life, but there are times when all or most of them are seeing someone, and that relationship meets the bulk of their emotional intimacy needs. So, while they still enjoy my company and may spend time with me, I'm not their top priority and they aren't going to feel my absence in their lives as quickly or acutely as I feel theirs if we go a while without seeing each other. Thus, in most of my relationships I feel like I am more invested than the other person. Then when a close friend has romantic feelings for me, it feels bizarrely equal--we both consider the connection the most important bond two people can share. But, of course, I feel this way about the current relationship and they feel it due to the possibility of something different that I am not looking for at all. So I turn them down, then feel hurt when they subsequently pull away from me (but, I hide it from them because I know it's totally unreasonable for me to feel...well, rejected, haha).

But with my new level of self-awareness, I think I could try a romantic relationship the next time someone like the guy I mentioned earlier came around.

I also am wary of giving people false hope - there is no point setting someone up for disappointment.

It's not "false" hope. There are aromantics who have successful romantic relationships. I do not know if it's something I am personally capable of because I have never done it before, but the hope is certainly not false, hope is pretty much what I'm running on. As Sweet Golden Executioner pointed out, any relationship might end in disappointment. That's no reason not to try.

I just wanted to clarify that I was speaking about myself and my own situation when I said about false hope, not you and your plans. I was meaning that when I thought about trying to date I knew that I wouldn't find the person appealing at all and would end up giving them a big diappointment. You seem to be saying that you find people appealing in a certain way, so your position is different to mine.

I have had many offers over the years from guys who were perfectly decent and a lot of women would have found them appealing, but they did nothing for me. I couldn't have dated them as it honestly would have gone no-where as I couldn't even imagine holding hands or kissing them, or even being thought of as their 'girlfriend'. That word is not who I am.

I am sure you will be fine with your plans. I hope you manage to find a suitable candidate!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...