Any other aromantics worried about their future?

[sheep11]

When I'm older I'd really like to have children and maybe a partner to be there for companionship and to help out with the kids, but being aromantic I don't know if I'll ever find anyone who'll want to stay with me and commit to having a family. If they're romantic, they'll probably find someone else who likes them back but if they're aromantic and if the kids are mine, they can always leave because they won't "love" me in a way that keeps romantic couples together. Now if they left, I'd be stuck as a single mother and I don't know how I'd support myself and my family financially.

I know I'm only 17 but up until a few months ago, I expected to grow up, get married to a guy with a stable job and have kids and a big house. Even when I went through a few months of thinking I was gay, I expected to grow up, marry a nice girl and we'd raise kids together etc. But since realising I probably won't ever be attracted to anyone sexually or romantically, I feel like in the end I'm always going to be alone. When your friends get married, their husband/wife is suddenly the most important person to them and you'll always be "just a friend".

I don't even know what I want exactly. I'm just scared that one day all my friends will have their partners and families and that's all they'll need and I won't matter to anyone anymore because romantic relationships are supposedly above all others.

[Nomad in Stasis]

When I'm older I'd really like to have children and maybe a partner to be there for companionship and to help out with the kids, but being aromantic I don't know if I'll ever find anyone who'll want to stay with me and commit to having a family. If they're romantic, they'll probably find someone else who likes them back but if they're aromantic and if the kids are mine, they can always leave because they won't "love" me in a way that keeps romantic couples together. Now if they left, I'd be stuck as a single mother and I don't know how I'd support myself and my family financially.

I know I'm only 17 but up until a few months ago, I expected to grow up, get married to a guy with a stable job and have kids and a big house. Even when I went through a few months of thinking I was gay, I expected to grow up, marry a nice girl and we'd raise kids together etc. But since realising I probably won't ever be attracted to anyone sexually or romantically, I feel like in the end I'm always going to be alone. When your friends get married, their husband/wife is suddenly the most important person to them and you'll always be "just a friend".

I don't even know what I want exactly. I'm just scared that one day all my friends will have their partners and families and that's all they'll need and I won't matter to anyone anymore because romantic relationships are supposedly above all others.

Well, first off let me say that to be successful in life is not to just marry and have kids. That is just a social norm that frankly, should be ignored. If you like kids, there are always other ways to be involved with them such as vlunteer work with BBBS(Big Brothers Big Sisters) or perhaps another group.

Of course it is very possible to meet someone whom you can maintain a relationship with and have kids. It is very hard to find someone i will say that, but it is possible. So do not give up hope.

And romantic relationships are NOT above all others.

[The Pofessional]

Geez, girl. you're only 17. Give yourself a bit of a break! You've got the rest of your life ahead of you, and there's no way that you can predict what will happen in the next ten years.

Just relax, okay? Don't worry about what you want in a relationship, you have plenty of time to figure that out. So stop worrying and enjoy life :^)

[sheep11]

Thanks for the replies. I know I'm being stupid but it's just hard when everyone expects you to know what you want to do when you're older and you're supposed to be planning your future but I don't know if I should be choosing a career path that will get me a higher paid job in case I'll end up a single mother, or if I should do something I'm more interested in but pays less.

I know that I shouldn't just aspire to the social norm of getting married and having kids but I've always wanted kids and when I tell my parents and friends the kind of thing I want (queerplatonic partner to raise kids with), they always say that I'll never be able to find a friend who'll want to stay with me if we're not in a romantic/sexual relationship.

[-龍-]

pffft. i'm 24, and aromantic as well. and i have never been in any relationship nor had any crushes on anyone. i do want to have a family and children too. i was told that i cannot stay that way if i intended to get married. i said that i will marry a best friend. and i still think i is possible, even if i am not capable of romantic love.

[sheep11]

pffft. i'm 24, and aromantic as well. and i have never been in any relationship nor had any crushes on anyone. i do want to have a family and children too. i was told that i cannot stay that way if i intended to get married. i said that i will marry a best friend. and i still think i is possible, even if i am not capable of romantic love.

I'd like to marry a best friend too but as I said before, if they're romantic, they'd probably leave me for a romantic partner, and if they're aromantic, they'd probably leave me for some other reason - probably my personality. I can imagine I'd get annoying after a while. When people are in a romantic relationship, they generally come to love each other romantically which is apparently very strong, but in a platonic relationship, it's just a strong friendship which can still be a big thing but it seems like it doesn't have the same sort of commitment that romantic relationships have.

[Cakey]

Only economically, because it costs more being single !

[Blunderbuss]

Ok, first off, I'm not aromantic but I do know what you're talking about. I desperately want at least one child when I'm older, since I'm asexual I'd want to adopt one. But hell, where I am from it is illegal to adopt a child as a single person. If you want to adopt one where I am from, you have to be in a hetero marriage. Yes, you have to be hetero and married. Otherwise they won't let you get a child. I don't even need a guy or a girl to help me out with the children, I just want a child, which is impossible for me alone. Another problem with me being a panromantic asexual is, that I would never enter a relationship with a sexual, because I don't feel like compromising. And how high are the chances to meet an asexual soulmate? I guess we all know that. So I am scared and quite sure that I will end up lonely and depressed, because I will never get my romantic relationship.

I am sixteen years old, and I have practically planned my whole life all the way through already. I am constantly worried about dying alone. I always thought I was gonna live like anybody else, preferably married, children, job, security. I can throw this plan out my window. And I have also thought a lot about what you said with friends getting married and stuff. I'll sit around there, they will have their partners, they will have their children, they will have their freaking security but what they'll definitely have is no time for me anymore. Probably not even interest.

I'm not aromantic but I feel like that too. And it sucks.

[sheep11]

I think it's the same rules here in Australia that you have to be in a hetero marriage to adopt. Ugh it would be easier if I didn't want kids. Then I wouldn't mind living alone as long as I had close friends.

At the moment being asexual and aromantic isn't a big deal to me because half my friends have never even kissed anyone (which is ironic because I have and I'm the only asexual in the group) and I'm not under any pressure to get a boyfriend or anything but it's just depressing when I imagine myself in 20 years living in a tiny rental flat with 3 kids and no money, while my friends are happily married and in love or whatever.

[Hermione]

I'm feeling a bit the same as you guys as well - I identify as grey romantic though, I've experienced romantic attraction once (and had a sexual relationship with that person) but I'm not interested in a romantic relationship even if I do end up romantically attracted to someone else. I'm 18 and I absolutely adore kids and I've always assumed I'd have them in a hetero relationship/marriage - having children is the only thing I was certain that I wanted out of life, and now I don't see that being a viable option and I feel pretty lost.

There isn't much we can do about it unfortunately, other than try and incorporate children into other parts of our lives and keep an eye out for platonic partner possibilities.

[Raccoonwolf]

I know that feel. uwu I'm not sure about adopting kids, I half want them and half don't, but I wish I could have someone to live my life with. I like having family, because with my family, I can be myself and relax and go through everyday life, and I wish I could have someone like that in the future too, preferably the bestfriend-type. But my future doesn't seem that stable, me wishing to be an author and a translator and maybe to move to Japan or UK, and I don't know who the hell would ever keep up with my let's-do-everything plans. I probably wouldn't for someone else's sake.

Still, I think the best way to live happily is to set out to do what you want to do - if you study things that interest you, you're rather likely to run into people who like the same things as you. That's my plan at the moment, anyway.

[Amy76]

I think you need to live your life for you - not worry about what any future kids/partner might want/need. Marriage/kids is not the be all and end all. Some people are married and are in a living hell - and they have nightmare brat kids to contend with. So it's not always as rosy as you might be thinking. And as for not wanting to be a single parent - well you can't really plan for that. You could meet the ideal partner and have kids with them, then s/he could go under a bus and you'd be left a single parent anyway!

I am always asked if I am worried about being old and alone, but I am not because marriage is no guarantee against that happening, as your spouse might die first and you will be just in the same position as if you had never married - alone.

[Trava u doma]

Yup, I think I know what you mean.

For the longest time I didn't even think about it, to be honest. I assumed I'll probably eventually find someone, and I didn't give it much further thought.

Well, then I found out about asexuality (and aromanticism), and when I started thinking what it actually MEANS, I got kinda really lonely. (This kind of "future" lonely, lol)

I'm mostly "over" it by now, but yeah. Generally, I try to remember that I may just turn out a late bloomer or something, so there's no point obsessing about it now. Besides, it seems like A LOT of sexual romantic people end up unhappy in their relationships/marriages, anyway, so...

But, yeah, it always seems to me that it would be nice to be in a committed "relationship" with someone. Not on the romantic level, just an arrangement that would provide some security (with someone I'm friends with, obviously ^^ ). It's even tougher on me, because I don't have any siblings, nor even much of a family.

I thought about adopting children, too, but not because I want children, but beacuse I believe it's better to grow up in an actual home than in an orphanage. So, if I had the money, I could try to give someone a home. There are countries that allow adoptions by singles, so at least that.

And, I'm 17 too ^_^

[Samael]

I think you need to live your life for you - not worry about what any future kids/partner might want/need. Marriage/kids is not the be all and end all. Some people are married and are in a living hell - and they have nightmare brat kids to contend with. So it's not always as rosy as you might be thinking. And as for not wanting to be a single parent - well you can't really plan for that. You could meet the ideal partner and have kids with them, then s/he could go under a bus and you'd be left a single parent anyway!

I am always asked if I am worried about being old and alone, but I am not because marriage is no guarantee against that happening, as your spouse might die first and you will be just in the same position as if you had never married - alone.

Precisely. The inescapable truth is that everyone is alone, whether it's against our wishes or not. No partnership can affect that. There are people who can be very lonely, even if they are surrounded by people and have cultivated profound personal relationships with others. You are your own person, and as such you are alone. People who fear loneliness might like to entertain such illusions that they could espace loneliness if they forged and upheld a relationship, but that is only a mental diversion and a form of escapism. The more you have experienced in life, the more you'll come to see the reality around you :)

One can learn to live with loneliness, and I think it really should be embraced. The better you have adjusted to that, the easier it will be to live one's life, because the supply of inner strenght will be greater. Ultimately, one may turn the feeling of being lonely to the state of being alone, in which one has accepted and embraced the reality.

[MadRat]

Only economically, because it costs more being single !

Yes, and when it comes to diseases - that scares me a lot. I would like to live single and 100% free one day but when you are sicks it´s much much easier when there´s someone around you who helps you.

Or someone who would take care of my pets if I suddenly died. I already almost died when I was horribly sick and had bad reaction to pills. I started to suffocate and faint. Fortunatelly my mom was there and called an ambulance.

[byanyotherusername]

I think that platonic relationships are a lot stronger than romantic ones, personally. There aren't as many "rules"/expectations, you can have more than one (which I know is possible in open or polyamorous romantic relationships, but in friendships it's a given), and they don't end as easily. Maybe, from the perspective of some sexual people, they aren't as "intimate," but they are just as important.

I'm lucky to have a "plan B" if I get lonely when I am older. My sister and I are very close. She really wants to get married and have kids, and has said repeatedly that she would love it if I lived with her and her husband and helped raise them. She also wants some of her friends (and their potential partners/children) to live in her house, or at least nearby. Neither of us buy into the societal pressure to form isolated "nuclear" families, and would prefer a feeling of community.

You can find community, even if it doesn't look like a typical family (communes, co-housing, other "intentional communities"). You can have children (artificial insemination, adoption, etc.), and if you don't, there are other ways to have children in your life. Just don't give up, and keep trying to find the right place for you. Start talking now to your friends and family about alternative living arrangements--you may be surprised to find that some of them are just as interested as you are (most people with children are happy for extra help and support, for instance).

[Cakey]

,

[samepage1]

I understand your worry, especially if you've just found out that you're asexual/aromantic. Now that you know, it suddenly upends everything you had previously thought about what you wanted and what you would do in life. Trust me when I say that given the proper time and thought, things will settle out, and you will find a future outlook that you are more comfortable with.

Some of your worries shouldn't be new. Any relationship can end. Most people can't afford a big house. You know, you can have biological kids with an aromantic partner, if you care to, without needing to have sex or spend more than an extra $10.

Also, as much as you may want kids, do be open to the idea that your life can be full and meaningful even if you don't have kids. There are numerous ways that you can set about living a worthwhile and satisfying life.

I am aromantic, and I also want to raise (biological) children with a partner. I had wished to find the person that I'd marry in college and get married shortly afterward. Instead, about 15 months after college, I found out that I was asexual. I definitely got quite concerned for my future. At that time, had I had six fewer years of future than you do. If you care to talk any further, please be welcome to PM me. I am far from having all the answers, but it would be nice to talk to someone who feels similar to me. Best wishes to you.

[test account]

You definitely should manage your future as though you'll be supporting yourself. Even marriage these days is not secure, so my personal view is that you should always be able to carry your own load. Having said that, I would hesitate to study a subject you have zero interest in just because there's supposedly a job at the end of it. Even if there is, are you going to like that job? And if you don't like your job, let me tell you, life is like being in a prison.

Some people, myself included, start with a general BA. You can choose a range of subjects, whatever you like. If you want to specialise down the track, you can transfer your course, or do a postgrad. Just feel your way. Very little is set in concrete.

I think too as an aromantic, its not improbable for you to get married and keep a partner just because of the aromantic thing. It just might be harder or take longer to find someone you genuinely share a connection with, because aromantics (as I understand it) don't go for all the cutesy lovey dove stuff that other people seem to enjoy.

[goodbye]

I know that feel. uwu I'm not sure about adopting kids, I half want them and half don't, but I wish I could have someone to live my life with. I like having family, because with my family, I can be myself and relax and go through everyday life, and I wish I could have someone like that in the future too, preferably the bestfriend-type. But my future doesn't seem that stable, me wishing to be an author and a translator and maybe to move to Japan or UK, and I don't know who the hell would ever keep up with my let's-do-everything plans. I probably wouldn't for someone else's sake.

Still, I think the best way to live happily is to set out to do what you want to do - if you study things that interest you, you're rather likely to run into people who like the same things as you. That's my plan at the moment, anyway.

Everything you just said. Down to the translator part. Do you understand how hard I'm squishing on you now? XD

[noysoffer]

I'm 19, and aromantic (though it's possible that I met someone who can make me romantic), and I know that I want to adopt 3 children and raise them alone. I know that there will definitely be many financial problems, and therefore, I'm currently working on a B.Sc. in order to have the ability to mitigate those issues as much as possible. I know that I'm incapable to commit to one person romantically (though I'm currently open to the possibility that this will change), and I've accepted this and am trying to incorporate this into my future.

What truly worries me is that I won't be able to raise my children exactly the way that I want to, because, there will be someone else (like the person I'll raise my children with) who'll want to raise them in a different way, and I don't want to deal with these petty disagreements, especially when I can't completely trust that person, because I can't love them. But since I'm aromantic, it's not like I can find anyone like this whom I can love and trust to raise my children.

So yes, I do worry about having financial problems as a single mother, but more than that, I worry that if I'll have a spouse, they (gender neutral) will ruin my children, because they aren't raising them the exact way I want to.