Odd combination of feelings: aromanticism and loneliness

[Sally]

Having now made the title of this thread, I think I'm not as confused as I thought. Or maybe I am and I just don't realize it.

During the two relationships of my life, I thought I was a true romantic. Now I think I might just have felt extremely insecure, and jumped into those relationships/people like they were lifeboats. It seemed like romance at the time, at least with my ex-partner. I thought I was in love with him.

Now I wonder. If you're not in love anymore, can you really know whether you ever were? I can't reproduce that feeling; I can't remember it. All I'm sure of is that how I felt at the time: if he went away, I'd be lost. That doesn't seem like love to me.

What I'd like -- maybe what I've always wanted -- is a platonic, non-romantic close relationship that would last forever. That's probably as much a pipe dream as wanting high romance to last forever.

How do you differentiate between a need for security/way out of loneliness, and really wanting to be with someone?

[5_♦♣]

Thing is, that 'spark' of romantic attraction can and does fade after a while. So unless you no longer feel the 'spark' of romantic attraction to anyone, chances are, you're still romantic.

[Sally]

And as usual, CBC, you not only related to what I said but said other things that I didn't realize were true of me also. Especially how much I really miss my relationship with my ex-partner, John (might as well call him by his name). In fact, I still feel like he's my partner, because no one else was before (certainly not my husband), and no one else has been since, and partnership is really the only kind of relationship I can deal with, because it means mutual acceptance of our selves. It's been harder to accept my self since I'm not with him.

I would have liked to have had a platonic partnership with John, but we didn't start that way, and now I'm remembering that I asked him years ago (before I even suspected there was something really "wrong" with me) whether he could imagine having a relationship with a woman without sex, and he said "No." That's how he saw himself.

Maybe it could have lasted a bit longer -- or forever -- if I hadn't given him "the Talk" (that is, if I hadn't found out about asexuality), but I don't know.

So after 4 years of not having a relationship that lasted most of my life, I still am wondering if I could have done something differently. And still wondering exactly what I wanted, and what I got, and what I gave, and whether it was him I loved or what I wanted him to be, or wanted myself to be.

I'm still left with the question: am I still romantic because I'm lonely, or am I really aromantic and only lonely because I did once have someone? If I hadn't met him, how would I feel now?

[Vampyremage]

I suppose the logical question has to be, what is romance and what is romantic attraction? When I think of romantic relationships, the things I think about are being physically close to a person, trusting them and being trusted in return, counting on them to be there and having them count on me in the same way and staving off loneliness and insecurity. Ideally, my romantic partner is the first one I go to when I have a problem because they are the one I trust. They are the person who will hold me when I'm feeling unhappy and someone who I can talk with and relate to.

There is very little difference, for me, between a romantic relationship and a very close friendship outside of the fact that I have a certain need for physical touch in a romantic relationship. In addition to physical touch, the other defining factor is the level of consistency. I don't always expect my friends, even my close friends, to be there when I need them, but I do have a higher expectation of that when it comes to my romantic partner. Of course, to go along with that I feel a similar obligation towards them as well.

I've never had a whole lot of interest or connection to the idea of romance, per say. Its all about having someone I can really count on and turn to in times of need and someone who will in turn count on me when they need a little extra help.

[Sally]

Your description, Vamp, made me remember how John did not fulfill the requirements of either a romantic relationship or a close friendship. Which adds even more fog to how I feel about the whole thing, and perhaps means I'm wishing it was different and that that different thing had continued, rather than the actual relationship.

Maybe romance is simply a murky bathetic term for a bunch of highly-individual emotions, rather than some actual identifiable process.

[Nogitsune]

I think I can relate. I'm aromantic, but I do desire a close platonic relationship (or several close platonic relaionships) that will last "forever", and if you asked me how I can be certain it's not romance I wish for, the only answer I could give is that I do not experience any of what I feel as romantic, whatever that means. The only example I can give is that if someone I care about a whole lot told me they love me in a romantic way, it would be upsetting to me because while I'd be happy with most of the things a (non-sexual) romantic relationship tends to entail, I could not honestly say that I feel the same way.

So... I don't think I can be of much help here. I do believe that the difference between romance and frienship/a platonic partnership does not exist in such a form that anyone could say "a romantic relationship is always like this while a close friendship is always like that", but that basically means it all depends on how you experience your feelings, and I realize that figuring that out is usually the hardest part.

[Guest]

What I'd like -- maybe what I've always wanted -- is a platonic, non-romantic close relationship that would last forever. That's probably as much a pipe dream as wanting high romance to last forever.

How do you differentiate between a need for security/way out of loneliness, and really wanting to be with someone?

That is exactly what I want.

I think the best way to differentiate is to ask yourself if you're in love with the idea of a partner or the other person.

In the one relationship, if you can call it that (it lasted 7 days only two of which did we see eachother), I have been in, that Sam my problem in addition to my extremely strong protective side.

Actually, in hindsight, it was the best thing to do.