Well, DAMN.

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

If I earned £1 for every "OMG SO CONFUSED" post I ever made, I'd be a millionaire by now.

Okay, so I know that my sexuality and romantic natures are probably always going to be vague - but I've been pondering this lately, too: What if I'm demiromantic, too?

I mean, I'm demisexual and somewhere between hetero and bi romanticism, but I fall in love/get crushes so little nowadays, and I tend to get crushes on friends nowadays. I don't just fancy ANYONE, they have to be someone who I feel I can trust. And I normally only get sexual attraction for the few people I love in that way/other people I'm really close to (I don't really know - it's such a rare occurrence that I can't really judge what the conditions are or how it works). I've not fancied anyone in a long time, and when I do I always feel a bit...detached? Like, I keep questioning myself - do I really love this person, or am I just telling myself that I do because I'm lonely? So, demiromantic sounds kind of like me - I want a relationship, and I reckon it would be great, and I do fall in love...but I fall in love quite rarely, and when I do, I feel sort of apart from things. Could that be demiromanticism? I don't know.

[Rebuilder]

Sounds like Demi-romanticism to me, or maybe Grey-romantic? Speaking of which, how often do you experience Romantic attraction to your close friends, and what does it fell like? Hell, I'm just an Aromantic, so what do I know.

[Member33070]

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[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

Here's the thing Great Thief...it's honestly not that easy. If you experience romantic/sexual attraction ever, chances are that the level at which you experience it is going to fluctuate. You might go through bouts of not being able to shut up about every guy you interact with, and you might go through bouts of not liking anyone.

For me, I find that something like half the time, I'm actually demiromantic and demisexual. I might have some person that I think is a good friend, but I don't fall for them until some critical moment. I can still get attracted to random people I know nothing about, but it's not like those are the only people I'm ever attracted to. It's not like it always follows a pattern.

That detached feeling could be loads of things. Maybe you're not as attracted to the person as you have been to other people. Maybe you're depressed or have low self-esteem. Maybe you're just generally not in a good mood, are second-guessing yourself, etc. One or two experiences doesn't make a rule.

Honestly, I think worrying about labels causes more problems than anything. You can't "fix" how often you're attracted, and noticing it and analyzing it can be bothersome and sad. Why not just live your life?

Thing is, this "detached" feeling might be something unrelated, since I get it with other kinds of feelings. Sometimes I'll be at a party, or another great event where I'm meant to be really really happy - and I am happy, no doubt, but the feeling is usually kind of muted, and I can't help but think "shouldn't I feel happier about this?" Sometimes I'll be angry, and I'll lash out at people, but the anger itself doesn't feel that powerful and I'm left wondering why I've acted the way I have. It's bizarre.

Good advice though, thanks. :D

[Member33070]

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[Philip027]

Hey, I consider myself a demiromantic, and I'm kinda lost about things the way you are when it DOES happen because it's so rare. But I chalk that up to inexperience, not because I regard myself as some insensitive blowhard or anything. I would say to trust your gut; when the right person comes along, it'll start feeling more natural. (I sound like I'm talking about sex here, but I'm not trying to!)

Honestly, I think worrying about labels causes more problems than anything. You can't "fix" how often you're attracted, and noticing it and analyzing it can be bothersome and sad. Why not just live your life?

Coming from you, I can't help but chuckle a bit at that... >_>

[Vampyremage]

I might be able to provide a little context when it cOmes to that detached feeling. For a food portion of my life I didn't feel much of anything. I lived in a persistent state of vague unhappiness. It never got worse than that but by the same token I was mainly unable to experience emotional highs or lows. I lived in a constant state of just south of neutral, unable to really experience my emotions. That isn't to say my emotions were entirely absent, but they were muted to the point of barely being sensed at all.

Now days I experience a more normal range of emotions but I doubt I will ever experience them as deeply as most. Both happiness and unhappiness tend to be rather fleeting, though I experience then stronger than I once did and my default state is definately above neutral now days rather than below. Deep connections with others are difficult for me because I simply don't feel as deeply as most. I can drop people and avoid situations with very little stress and even when a loss is difficult, the stress rarely lasts long. Anger remains a completely foreign emotion that I have never experienced.

It's hard for me to say how my emotional state interacts with my sexual and romantic identity. I don't think it has anything at all to do with my asexuality but how could it not affect my level if romanticism? I identify as grey romantic in large part because my depth of connection isn't as deep as many.

I can't state what your own romantic identity should be, of course, but I hope my own experiences have at least helped to provide a little context.

[Member33070]

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[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

I might be able to provide a little context when it cOmes to that detached feeling. For a food portion of my life I didn't feel much of anything. I lived in a persistent state of vague unhappiness. It never got worse than that but by the same token I was mainly unable to experience emotional highs or lows. I lived in a constant state of just south of neutral, unable to really experience my emotions. That isn't to say my emotions were entirely absent, but they were muted to the point of barely being sensed at all.

Now days I experience a more normal range of emotions but I doubt I will ever experience them as deeply as most. Both happiness and unhappiness tend to be rather fleeting, though I experience then stronger than I once did and my default state is definately above neutral now days rather than below. Deep connections with others are difficult for me because I simply don't feel as deeply as most. I can drop people and avoid situations with very little stress and even when a loss is difficult, the stress rarely lasts long. Anger remains a completely foreign emotion that I have never experienced.

It's hard for me to say how my emotional state interacts with my sexual and romantic identity. I don't think it has anything at all to do with my asexuality but how could it not affect my level if romanticism? I identify as grey romantic in large part because my depth of connection isn't as deep as many.

I can't state what your own romantic identity should be, of course, but I hope my own experiences have at least helped to provide a little context.

It's one of those things that makes me, personally, agree with my parents when they say they think I have aspergers. It's not like I'm really miserable - content is the word I'd use. And obviously, I find things funny, I get happy, I get sad - but there have been occasions where I've looked around and found that I didn't feel as totally involved with everything like I feel I should. For example, my 18th birthday - my family came over, and it was absolutely fantastic - but there were times during the party when I felt more "content" than happy. I just felt kinda neutral, and I just thought "you should be OVERJOYED, you fool!" It's odd, I can't really explain it.

But I've felt really deep, involving crushes before when I was younger - but since that one went so badly (he was this popular guy who didn't really acknowledge me, and I liked him for so long that I had the pleasure of seeing him go out with several different girls during the time I had a crush on him), I don't know if that has something to do with it. Or maybe I've just not met anyone particularly special during the past two-three years.

[Vampyremage]

I might be able to provide a little context when it cOmes to that detached feeling. For a food portion of my life I didn't feel much of anything. I lived in a persistent state of vague unhappiness. It never got worse than that but by the same token I was mainly unable to experience emotional highs or lows. I lived in a constant state of just south of neutral, unable to really experience my emotions. That isn't to say my emotions were entirely absent, but they were muted to the point of barely being sensed at all.

Now days I experience a more normal range of emotions but I doubt I will ever experience them as deeply as most. Both happiness and unhappiness tend to be rather fleeting, though I experience then stronger than I once did and my default state is definately above neutral now days rather than below. Deep connections with others are difficult for me because I simply don't feel as deeply as most. I can drop people and avoid situations with very little stress and even when a loss is difficult, the stress rarely lasts long. Anger remains a completely foreign emotion that I have never experienced.

It's hard for me to say how my emotional state interacts with my sexual and romantic identity. I don't think it has anything at all to do with my asexuality but how could it not affect my level if romanticism? I identify as grey romantic in large part because my depth of connection isn't as deep as many.

I can't state what your own romantic identity should be, of course, but I hope my own experiences have at least helped to provide a little context.

It's one of those things that makes me, personally, agree with my parents when they say they think I have aspergers. It's not like I'm really miserable - content is the word I'd use. And obviously, I find things funny, I get happy, I get sad - but there have been occasions where I've looked around and found that I didn't feel as totally involved with everything like I feel I should. For example, my 18th birthday - my family came over, and it was absolutely fantastic - but there were times during the party when I felt more "content" than happy. I just felt kinda neutral, and I just thought "you should be OVERJOYED, you fool!" It's odd, I can't really explain it.

But I've felt really deep, involving crushes before when I was younger - but since that one went so badly (he was this popular guy who didn't really acknowledge me, and I liked him for so long that I had the pleasure of seeing him go out with several different girls during the time I had a crush on him), I don't know if that has something to do with it. Or maybe I've just not met anyone particularly special during the past two-three years.

I actually suspected that I also had Asperger's. So much so, in fact, that I saw a psychologist about it. I still might have it, though that's rather up in the air as I was told that I have many of the traits but had sufficiently adapted that he didn't feel it was beneficial to get tested.

As for the crushes when you were younger, unpopular though it might be to say, the teenage mind does often work a little bit differently than the adult mind, especially the young teenage mind. You hear all the time about the tumulteous emotional states of teenagers, how they fall so profoundly and deeply and then change on a dime. Of course these are stereotypes and will not be true for everyone and even when they are true, it may be to a greater or lesser extent. As we grow and mature, our minds change and adapt.

If something seems to be shifting within you, I'd keep tabs on it but I'm not sure that I'd let it stress you out too much. The human mind is constantly changing and shifting and those shifts are often more dramatic when one is young. Go with what feels natural at the time and try to make the best of what and who you are. If you're a little left of "normal" so what? I always thought it was a matter of enjoying life however you best enjoy it.

I won't necessarily say not to worry about the label because, personally, I really like labels. I know I like to figure out my own labels and the hows and whys of those labels. But I will say, even if your labels are important to you, don't let them stress you out too much. In time it'll become clear to you, these things have a way of just working themselves out like that.

[Janus the Fox]

I would say drop all labels, strange this is comming from a chronic past labeler but after having a few words with Birdwing, and intense counseling in real life for my sexual/gender ambiguity that was my cause of depression and anxiety with all other personal life problems.

I've learned that I do not fit perfectly into any box, none of them (gives a backward meaning to my username! :lol:) I dropped all typical labels for myself and adopted the bisexual label for others (on the basis of strong atheistic attraction, which may be physical, and a few curiosities, but no other feature or desires that says otherwise), I found no point in labeling anymore unless it gets clearer (If my medical problems are to blame) then I'm unlabeled and only use the labels as descriptors and nothing else.

Grays cannot fit snugly into these boxes yet search for one when there isn't one. So I give myself the box of me, that's it, I can put as many labels in there as I want, but I'm not defined by them. Doing that, cleared up my identity anxiety and concentrate on other life problems.