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Aromantic Relationships a Pipedream?


Erithacus

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I'm the kind of aromantic asexual who is very social. I love people and I love being around them. I have a variety of platonic relationships that I am comfortable with and very happy in. But recently I've been realizing that maybe my 'partners' do not have the same idea of our relationship as I do. Even though I have spent countless amounts of time explaining to them how I feel and how our relationship is actually slightly more than a simple 'friendship' to me. They always pretend to understand, but do they?

I'm asking because I read a post on tumblr by an aromantic there who said that having an aromantic asexual relationship with a romantic-sexual is impossible and masochistic. I certainly feel that way at the moment. My friend (who I've always considered a partner) just recently told me she's leaving to get married. This was out of the blue, no pretense or previous discussions.

I got upset because I thought we had the kind of relationship where something like that would be talked about before the actual event. I was then accused of being "a bad friend" because apparently friends are just "happy for each other" no matter what... I couldn't make her understand that she was more than "just a friend" to me and her 'surprise' actually really hurt me... but she doesn't understand why it upsets me or why I'm not just simply 'happy for her'.

Gah. I'm sorry, I just wish I could be that 'normal' friend for her... you know? Are ALL my relationships going to end like this?

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seen your post im aromantic a friendship to me is someone you see once in a while a relationship is someone you see frequent want to spend time and go places with and maybe even come home 2 its about connecting with someone and sharing the special moments together it saddens me how people dont see that we want relationships if i said i feel empty that would be an emotion i have no feeling towards anyone not sure i ever will its not emptiness with me just a bottomless hole that one day i wish to be filled so i can feel loved nothing to do with sex or not being aromantic and there fore wanting a relationship i just wish i felt something toward someone and share life with them in general i havnt given up on hope yet maybe that person is out there for you

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Prince of Tea

First of all, I think it's totally understandable that you'd feel hurt that she surprised you with that.

As for whether an aromantic relationship with a romantic sexual is possible...I'm really hoping so. I think it *is* possible- I've certainly heard of an aromantic being in a relationship like that with a married romantic sexual at least once. I think that romantic sexuals can learn to "get it."

I know the feeling, though. Right now I'm feeling like it might be impossible to be closer to someone I have a bit of a squish on. But I do have hope. So I wouldn't give up on that kind of relationship with someone even if it seems like they won't understand.

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As for whether an aromantic relationship with a romantic sexual is possible...I'm really hoping so. I think it *is* possible- I've certainly heard of an aromantic being in a relationship like that with a married romantic sexual at least once. I think that romantic sexuals can learn to "get it."

Here's a link to the thread that has a link to the article written by an aromantic asexual who is in a relationship with a married romantic sexual!

I might add here that feelings between two people in any relationship are rarely mutual... that is, they're always going to be slightly different. I've personally just written it off as an inevitability.

:cake: However, don't lose hope that you might find someone who finds you just as important as you find them, even if it's in a different fashion!

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I got upset because I thought we had the kind of relationship where something like that would be talked about before the actual event. I was then accused of being "a bad friend" because apparently friends are just "happy for each other" no matter what... I couldn't make her understand that she was more than "just a friend" to me and her 'surprise' actually really hurt me... but she doesn't understand why it upsets me or why I'm not just simply 'happy for her'.

Okay...first off you definitely have EVERY right to be upset about that and SHE is wrong for not giving any fair warning! *sigh* Okay maybe I'm being a bit too hard on her, but some people really just fail to understand.

I'm gonna go on a quick story about myself after which I will return to you:

I had a little thing with this one girl, we had such deep feelings for each other-only it was over the internet (we'd known each other in person for a while though, we just didn't profess our feelings until it became an internet friendship). Well, she'd told me about the time she'd lost 'it' with her ex boyfriend and how it upset her, being they were originally gonna wait and yaddayaddayadda so I didn't mind helping her. But then...*rolls eyes* she started getting graphic a few weeks later, how "man I didn't enjoy it with him...he wasn't bad at it I just didn't enjoy it...I don't want to not like sex, but I dont know what was wrong..."

"(kinda bothered by this...wanting to see her as innocent, y'know?) Uhh...I kinda have the same problem (didn't realize I was asexual at the time). Heck sometimes I get scared that I can't 'get in the mood' "

"Lol you're a guy! Every guy can don't worry" "No but...you don't understand.." "Sure I do you're a guy! No such thing as a straight guy not obsessing over sex!"

Then "look I'm really not comfortable talking about this with you..I don't like looking at you like this.."

"What do you mean?! I'm asking for help and you can't even help me?! Sorry I actually am not uncomfortable talking about the natural process of sex with you!"

I don't see why people just can't be okay with understanding sometimes...

Sorry about that, back to you yeah there are other stories I have too where the person just won't understand and then call me a bad friend and all that or say "You're just jealous!" (even if I WAS jealous, you should understand it's only natural to be...)

There is of course hope for your sake though. Obviously you're not the only person in the world who has this desire, first off. Secondly there are plenty of people out there willing to compromise if they have to on some level. Granted we all compromise on different levels at different angles, but we can still compromise-and someone will compromise in some way for you! I'm an asexual but I'm highly romantic (heteroromantic) but I'm not homophobic or anything. I've in the backest parts of my mind considered talking to one of my gay friends who isn't having much luck either and just settling down with them if we get older and stay single. Why? Because we'd both understand what it's like to be "different," and being that he'd also be a guy (no offense girls!) he'd kinda understand the stupidity of some females (don't get me wrong I know some females also understand this! but please...just, well...understand what I'm saying!).

I could also possibly settle with an aromantic Ace female just so long as she's willing to partake in some of my romantic desires, even if she doesn't view them the same way as I do. I mean shoot, as much as it sucks to say I'm gonna have to compromise in some way because while many asexuals say "my body responded properly I just didn't enjoy it"...my body won't even respond to sexual situations. I know I can't be the only one out there-someone's out there for ya...in some way...in some shape...in some form...

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I feel that it is highly probable. Relationships are all about compromise as it is. I myself am aromantic, but I think I could be in a relationship with someone willing to compromise. Relationships with other aromantics are more suitable for me.

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I think it depends on how you define romantic. I'm not completely asexual or aromantic but sex and romance are just two parts of my relationship, the third and, frequently, most important part, is being the best friend. I'm a girl but I always wanted to be "best guy buddies" with whoever I was pursuing. I wanted to sit around with them all day and play Dungeons and Dragons, Magic,and video games. Sometimes I wanted to do romantic things too but some of the time, that was so that I wouldn't lose them by their having a romantic relationship with someone else. Honestly, I think I could have been perfectly happy at the time if we'd stayed in that limbo forever. I defined doing those nerd activities as romantic because they made me feel close to the other person but I realize they aren't traditionally romantic so, depending on how you define it, I could be a girl who was satisfied with an aromantic relationship.

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Touchofinsight

I'm the kind of aromantic asexual who is very social. I love people and I love being around them. I have a variety of platonic relationships that I am comfortable with and very happy in. But recently I've been realizing that maybe my 'partners' do not have the same idea of our relationship as I do. Even though I have spent countless amounts of time explaining to them how I feel and how our relationship is actually slightly more than a simple 'friendship' to me. They always pretend to understand, but do they?

I'm asking because I read a post on tumblr by an aromantic there who said that having an aromantic asexual relationship with a romantic-sexual is impossible and masochistic. I certainly feel that way at the moment. My friend (who I've always considered a partner) just recently told me she's leaving to get married. This was out of the blue, no pretense or previous discussions.

I got upset because I thought we had the kind of relationship where something like that would be talked about before the actual event. I was then accused of being "a bad friend" because apparently friends are just "happy for each other" no matter what... I couldn't make her understand that she was more than "just a friend" to me and her 'surprise' actually really hurt me... but she doesn't understand why it upsets me or why I'm not just simply 'happy for her'.

Gah. I'm sorry, I just wish I could be that 'normal' friend for her... you know? Are ALL my relationships going to end like this?

To me this sounds like a classic case of miscommunication, somewhere down the line it sounds like either you didn't get the fact she just wanted to be friends with no romantic ties or she misunderstood how you presented the relationship, this is hard to say with little information. It is difficult, for some sexual people to really understand that a relationship without sex can be serious. I think if she did understand she just did not treat it seriously because she didn't want to lose a friend or offend you. If this is bothering you greatly, I would say you talk to her about it. I wouldn't expect her to change her mind because if she is getting married her mind is set but perhaps this would put your mind more at ease. You have to respect her decision; she has needs and desires that need to be fulfilled as well.

I am also a Aromantic, it is harder to sustain a relationship I won't lie to you but it is not a "pipe dream" or impossible. It will be difficult to have a relationship with a sexual person because your needs will conflict at times but it is possible.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can say a platonic relationship is possible with an asexual/aromantic and a sexual/romantic, because I am currently in one.

I am demisexual, but I am also aromantic. My partner is heterosexual and romantic. After long discussions, things we would need to compromise on and how certain things would be carried out (such as physical affection, which I am fine with. Holding hands, chaste kisses and the like), we understand where our relationship stands. That being said, it took a lot of these conversations before we became certain and sure of ourselves and our relationship. It is not at all impossible. It just requires a lot of communication and a lot of open honesty. It is quite possibly the hardest, though extremely rewarding, thing I have ever done.

I am so sorry that happened to you, Erithacus. I agree with what everyone said here. You have every right to be upset. To be put into a shock like that isn't easy. But do lose hope, dear. Not every relationship will end this way. Everyone is different.

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I feel your pain. I'm also aromantic asexual, and was quite depressed in my youth with the idea that eventually all my friends would leave me to get married and I'd have no one because I didn't want anything more than a close friendship.

What I've come to realize is that it takes a special sort of person to understand your feelings, REALLY understand them, and feel sort-of the same way. It's never going to be exactly the same, but I now have three such friends who I consider my "life partners." They are people I know I can always count on to be there, even if they're in relationships or married or even with kids. I know I will always be a part of their life. And they feel the same about me, that I'm just one of those permanent fixtures.

It's not easy to find people like this, but here are a few things all three of my friends have in common. These might work as identifiers of potential aromantic, asexual life partners, though I doubt it's this black and white. Still, it might be useful, so here goes:

1. They value friends over romantic interests. If it came down to a choice, their friends would come first. In fact, one of my friends recently broke up with his boyfriend because he said he couldn't juggle friends, school, and a boyfriend, and his friends come first.

2. Lower "libido." None of my friends are crazy about sex, one of them is even asexual/gray-A (though still romantic). The other two are sexual, but probably on the lower end of the sexual intensity scale.

3. All my "life partners" are good friends with each other. It's us as a group, not me with a bunch of individual partners. We're all in this together, and know that even if one or more of us finds a partner (temporary or permanent), we'll still be a part of each others' lives. If any of us had kids, we know we'd be part of those kids' lives in whatever capacity we're needed.

So yeah, I guess in the end it's about a level of loyalty and solidarity that is understood by both/all parties. It sounds to me like your friend who's getting married was not thinking of you as the sort of person who will always be there. That doesn't work. If someone is always looking around the next corner for a better life, then they don't want the same things as you and they're never going to be totally satisfied where they are, ergo there's always going to be the chance that when they see an opportunity for "the better life," they'll take it and leave you in the dust. Your life partners cannot have this attitude if they're to remain for life. If that makes sense. :P

I think I'm just rambling now, so I'll shut up, but I hope this was helpful.

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To most people, more than a friend = romantic partner or couple. There might be inbetweens for you that come natural, but it isn't like that for others. To be totally honest, it doesn't come naturally to me, either. I have a hard time seeing what separates a "aromantic relationship" from a deep friendship. If I could get some clarification on this, sweet.

Anyway, from what I can tell, this person did not regard you as a partner, and most likely was not aware of your actual feelings toward her, thus it didn't occur to her to break the news to you more sensitively. Friends are usually happy for each other when one of them is getting married; that's why she did not understand your reaction. If they don't regard you as a romantic partner, then it's kinda normal for them to react with apprehension when you do.

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To most people, more than a friend = romantic partner or couple. There might be inbetweens for you that come natural, but it isn't like that for others. To be totally honest, it doesn't come naturally to me, either. I have a hard time seeing what separates a "aromantic relationship" from a deep friendship. If I could get some clarification on this, sweet.

It is difficult to explain when it is different for each aromantic. Which is where the confusion comes in for all of us, I think. I define the my relationship as queerplatonic

Queerplatonic is a word for describing relationships where an intense emotional connection transcending what people usually think of as ‘friendship’ is present, but the relationship is not romantic in nature; people in a queerplatonic relationship may think of themselves as partners, may plan on spending their lives together, etc. The ‘queer’ is a reference to the idea of queering relationships and ideas about relationships, not for describing the orientations or genders of anyone in a queerplatonic relationship. Anyone, sexual or asexual, romantic or aromantic, straight, gay, queer, bi, lesbian, poly, cis, trans, etc etc can be in a queerplatonic relationship, can have more than one such relationship, and there can be more than two people in a queerplatonic relationship; couples, triads, quads, whatever. The key feature is the idea of being deeply connected to someone, without a romantic element (though a queerplatonic relationship can be sexual).
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I've already replied before, but that was just a link to an article, so I'll put in my own two cents now.

Personally, as a relational anarchist, I place all my close relationships on the same level of importance. Therefore, close friendships are equal to romantic relationships for me... I don't know how to explain it really, but I'll use my last long relationship as an example: whenever I had free time (i.e no other plans), my boyfriend was my default person to hang out with. But, if any of my friends said "let's hang out on this and this day", that hang out would immediately get priority over my "default" hanging out with my boyfriend.

This is why I think I would be able to understand the significance of a close friendship with an aromantic. So... yeah >_<

*rolls around* I dunno if that made any sense at all; let me know!

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