Ehmbur Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I've been identifying as asexual for a just a few weeks now, and even though I agonize endlessy about practically everything I do, I feel very confident that this is the right word to describe me. But now I have a new question. I've never been interested in sex, of course, but I always thought I was interested in having an intimate emotional relationship. But I've been asked out by a few guys, and I always turned them down, even the relationship part. I've always been very introverted and a bit asocial, and so I wonder if that is standing in the way of me having a fulfilling relationship, or if I'm simply aromantic, or if, in the past, I was scared off by the idea of having sex with Whoever, and again I'm pointlessly overanalyzing. Thanks :) Link to post Share on other sites
ashly~ Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 hi hi I identify as aromantic and I'm not sure if you already know this so I'm going to go ahead and make sure. There's actually a thread right here that's to help people regarding aromantic stuff. That said, there are aromantics who enjoy the company of others and those - like myself - who really enjoy their own company. I can't tell you if you're aromantic but I can try to describe how I know I'm aromantic. If that helps? I very much enjoy the idea of love, cuddling and romantic bonds but when it comes to actually having those things myself, I'm not comfortable and don't desire them at all (There are others who don't even enjoy the idea of those things). It's actually awkward for me when my friends try to give me hugs because I don't feel the need to hug them or show my affection for them in that manner. It took me quite a long time to figure this out and a bit of experimenting on my part so I suggest you don't rush to any conclusion and try some things out for yourself. Don't make yourself do anything you don't want to and just see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 How about this, the next time that someone, that you are comfortable with, asks you out say "yes." Just give yourself the chance to have a relationship and if it does not work out that is OK but do not stop yourself from doing anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Palovana Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I feel much the same way, except I'm about 99% positive I'm asexual. I really dislike any form of romance, but I crave close physical and intimacy with someone. However, I find myself feeling a sort of...wall...or something between really wanting that and being able to do it. It's a very strange thing for me to picture myself in an intimate relationship with someone, but it's a very nice thing to imagine as well. I'm definitely not a social person, for many reasons, and I'm not a fan of most people, either. I identified as aromantic for a long time, then heteroromantic, then grey-romantic, but for some reason "romantic" seems not the right word to describe the type of intimacy I want. Anyway, I empathize with you. I think maybe my biggest problem is that I always tear myself down before I get anywhere with thoughts like "Wow, I really like this person, they're beautiful and I want to have something more than a platonic relationship with them...but they would never want to be with me in that way." Link to post Share on other sites
maven Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I've never been interested in sex, of course, but I always thought I was interested in having an intimate emotional relationship. But I've been asked out by a few guys, and I always turned them down, even the relationship part. I've always been very introverted and a bit asocial, and so I wonder if that is standing in the way of me having a fulfilling relationship, or if I'm simply aromantic, or if, in the past, I was scared off by the idea of having sex with Whoever, and again I'm pointlessly overanalyzing. Thanks :) Why'd you turn down the guys who asked you out? And have you had any crushes? Link to post Share on other sites
Ehmbur Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 I've never been interested in sex, of course, but I always thought I was interested in having an intimate emotional relationship. But I've been asked out by a few guys, and I always turned them down, even the relationship part. I've always been very introverted and a bit asocial, and so I wonder if that is standing in the way of me having a fulfilling relationship, or if I'm simply aromantic, or if, in the past, I was scared off by the idea of having sex with Whoever, and again I'm pointlessly overanalyzing. Thanks :) Why'd you turn down the guys who asked you out? And have you had any crushes? In simplest terms, I just didn't want to go out with them. I only remember having a "crush" on somebody once, and after some thought, I figured that dating would be horribly awkward and we were better off as friends. Maybe I just like the idea of a romantic relationship? I do have an interest in sex, In an intellectual way, this could be similar. Link to post Share on other sites
Pandora's Fox Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Remember "intimidate emotional relationship" doesn't always mean "romantic relationship", so you could be both. You need to figure out if this desire is for a romantic relationship, or just a close emotional yet platonic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
maven Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I've never been interested in sex, of course, but I always thought I was interested in having an intimate emotional relationship. But I've been asked out by a few guys, and I always turned them down, even the relationship part. I've always been very introverted and a bit asocial, and so I wonder if that is standing in the way of me having a fulfilling relationship, or if I'm simply aromantic, or if, in the past, I was scared off by the idea of having sex with Whoever, and again I'm pointlessly overanalyzing. Thanks :) Why'd you turn down the guys who asked you out? And have you had any crushes? In simplest terms, I just didn't want to go out with them. I only remember having a "crush" on somebody once, and after some thought, I figured that dating would be horribly awkward and we were better off as friends. Maybe I just like the idea of a romantic relationship? I do have an interest in sex, In an intellectual way, this could be similar. Hm. Nothing wrong about turning down guys you aren't attracted to. With the crush that you thought about dating, did you feel romantic attraction towards them? ( regardless of your decision to not go through with it because it might be awkward.) Only you can know how you felt at the time. Next time that sort of crush comes up I'd suggest you take the plunge, see what it's like, especially because you want a romantic relationship later in life. Calm mentioned something important, I think, when they said that a close emotional relationship doesn't have to be a romantic one. Aromantic or romantic, you can still have close bonds with another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Yellow Fish Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Yeah, what Calm said. I have some really, really close friends, that I share a lot of private thoughts with - but we are in no way having a "relationship" in that traditional sense. Heck, most of them are in relationships (and a good number with long term partners, too). [And none of them are asexual, either.] I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction, but I still cherish my friends and these close relationships with other's. I used to be really shy / withdrawn, but that changed a lot as I got older. I still value my alone time - and need that too. I think the advice to just go out and explore next time you feel attracted to / interested in someone is the best advice, really. The only way to learn about your preferences and what is right for you is by gaining experience. Just be self-reflexive as you go along and don't do anything you absolutely don't want to do :). Link to post Share on other sites
Ehmbur Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 I've never been interested in sex, of course, but I always thought I was interested in having an intimate emotional relationship. But I've been asked out by a few guys, and I always turned them down, even the relationship part. I've always been very introverted and a bit asocial, and so I wonder if that is standing in the way of me having a fulfilling relationship, or if I'm simply aromantic, or if, in the past, I was scared off by the idea of having sex with Whoever, and again I'm pointlessly overanalyzing. Thanks :) Why'd you turn down the guys who asked you out? And have you had any crushes? In simplest terms, I just didn't want to go out with them. I only remember having a "crush" on somebody once, and after some thought, I figured that dating would be horribly awkward and we were better off as friends. Maybe I just like the idea of a romantic relationship? I do have an interest in sex, In an intellectual way, this could be similar. Hm. Nothing wrong about turning down guys you aren't attracted to. With the crush that you thought about dating, did you feel romantic attraction towards them? ( regardless of your decision to not go through with it because it might be awkward.) Only you can know how you felt at the time. Next time that sort of crush comes up I'd suggest you take the plunge, see what it's like, especially because you want a romantic relationship later in life. Calm mentioned something important, I think, when they said that a close emotional relationship doesn't have to be a romantic one. Aromantic or romantic, you can still have close bonds with another person. That's a good point. I've had a few close relationships with friends that I really enjoyed, but have had no desire for a romantic relationship (at least not with with anyone I've met, anyways). But I do think it would be a good idea to try it out once. Like you said, I've wanted a romantic relationship, and it could be that I just "haven't met the right person" yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Timey-Wimey Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I wrestled with aromantic (or demiromantic) vs. socially inept for a while. Because I had serious social anxiety & was afraid of all human contact I didn't know if it was that or I was just ace or demi. But I CRAVED friendship so much it hurt. I didn't crave romance near as much. I'd maybe smile a little at seeing two people hold hands but when I'd see a bunch of girls giggling & laughing with each other I wanted to cry I wanted friendship so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
dakota0135 Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 I've been identifying as asexual for a just a few weeks now, and even though I agonize endlessy about practically everything I do, I feel very confident that this is the right word to describe me. But now I have a new question. I've never been interested in sex, of course, but I always thought I was interested in having an intimate emotional relationship. But I've been asked out by a few guys, and I always turned them down, even the relationship part. I've always been very introverted and a bit asocial, and so I wonder if that is standing in the way of me having a fulfilling relationship, or if I'm simply aromantic, or if, in the past, I was scared off by the idea of having sex with Whoever, and again I'm pointlessly overanalyzing. Thanks :) I know exactly how you feel. Last summer was when I 'officially' became asexual, and I still feel that it's the right word, but I feel like I don't fit right into society! I've been much more confident in myself since then, even if I don't feel good about being asexual most of the time, which I think has made people think it's okay to ask me out! As soon as I know someone is attracted to me I feel really uncomfortable, I get this wrong feeling right in my stomach. I think it's hard to tell if you're not a social person whether you want an aromantic relationship, all you can do is see where it takes you! If it doesn't feel right to you, don't force yourself to do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Ehmbur Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Thanks to all of you for the great advice :) it's helped quite a bit, and I really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
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