JJButterworth Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Over the last month or so, I have been flirting with the idea of dating for the sake of dating. In other words, I want to date, and to a lesser extent have a romantic relationship, just for the experience and not as a means to build a meaningful relationship as is the intent of such activities. I was originally against the idea, on ethical grounds, but was willing to be convinced otherwise. I was somewhat convinced by my friend he said that he does not see a relationship like this lasting long enough to warrant a major emotional commitment, therefore it was fine and I should pursue such an endeavour with zeal. The reason that I have decided to this is because, even though I am an aromantic and do not want a romantic relationship but I feel that just once that it would be fun to be in such a relationship. Also, I do not feel challenged in my life right now and thought this would be a great challenge for me, since I do not have the first clue in how to attract someone or initiate a relationship. So what is your take on this? Should I do this or not? Link to post Share on other sites
ashly~ Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 I've often found myself doing small 'scientific experiments' (as I like to call them) when it comes to dating and the boundaries between friendship and romantic relationships and the like. More for curiosities sake than for any need to have an actual romantic relationship. I've even dated just to see what it would be like and afterwards I've always felt like I used the person and felt kinda guilty for that. I'd be careful about the emotional commitment part of it like your friend mentioned. I wouldn't want the other person to get the wrong impression or get too attached. Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 I've often found myself doing small 'scientific experiments' (as I like to call them) when it comes to dating and the boundaries between friendship and romantic relationships and the like. More for curiosities sake than for any need to have an actual romantic relationship. I've even dated just to see what it would be like and afterwards I've always felt like I used the person and felt kinda guilty for that. I'd be careful about the emotional commitment part of it like your friend mentioned. I wouldn't want the other person to get the wrong impression or get too attached. That sums up my dilemma. I do not know is if there a balance between having such a relationship and knowing full well that it will end the moment that I get tired of it. All I know is that it not going to be someone that I do not know already. That way I can not lose a friend over this. Link to post Share on other sites
faraway Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 People can get hurt. Be as open as possible about this. To your advantage, some people do like "casual relationships" with an expiration date - I can't understand them but they could be the right match for you. Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 People can get hurt. Be as open as possible about this. To your advantage, some people do like "casual relationships" with an expiration date - I can't understand them but they could be the right match for you. I was thinking about posting a Craigslist ad fully disclosing what I am looking for and who I am. That way there are no secrets on my end and the two of us know what we are getting ourselves into. Link to post Share on other sites
maven Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 Over the last month or so, I have been flirting with the idea of dating for the sake of dating. In other words, I want to date, and to a lesser extent have a romantic relationship, just for the experience and not as a means to build a meaningful relationship as is the intent of such activities. I was originally against the idea, on ethical grounds, but was willing to be convinced otherwise. I was somewhat convinced by my friend he said that he does not see a relationship like this lasting long enough to warrant a major emotional commitment, therefore it was fine and I should pursue such an endeavour with zeal. I've done it. And if I could go back in time and smack some sense into my teenage self I would :lol: The problem, like you mentioned, is that the other person may become attached, possibly even fall in love with you... and then you will carry the guilt of being unable to return the emotion around with you for the rest of your life. Not to be dramatic or anything. I learned a lot from it, especially about myself and how I act under pressure and how I argue/fight, lots of little things that I took note of and some of which I managed to change. It was definitely enlightening in that sense. I also noticed a huge difference in how people treated me when they learned I was in a relationship - apparently having a boyfriend magically makes you more social and mature? Regardless, there are life lessons to be learned, just tread softly because you tread on someone's heart. I think it's great to experiment, but I'm also an advocate of being up front about what you want from the relationship. It may be tempting to snag the next person who seems interested in you and just go with the flow, but there's more possibility for people getting hurt that way. Your idea of being upfront in a Craigslist ad sounds like a good one (though I'm not sure Craigslist is the best place to find someone? I could be biased, based on stories of crazy people in my area), another one could be an online dating site like okcupid where you have a profile to discuss what you're looking for in a relationship. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Samael Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 As an aromantic I can understand this idea. It sounds interesting to me. If you are into social sciences you may derive lots of first-hand information how people act in such situations, as in romantic relationships, by conducting your research in the field rather than in the library :) You could then write a qualitative research paper on the subject. First, introduce yourself to relevant literature and previous research on the subject so you can form a set of hypotheses. Then gather your source material in the field, after which you can analyze it based on your previously gathered knowledge. Finally, I'd be interested in hearing your conclusions. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Jillianimal Posted January 1, 2012 Share Posted January 1, 2012 That sounds fine. I think you should be very clear from the very beginning that you don't want it to lead to anything serious. You have to be careful about who you date. I'm sure there's plenty of people who hear what you say but get emotionally invested in it anyway. You should probably try with someone who only goes for casual dating. Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 You could then write a qualitative research paper on the subject. First, introduce yourself to relevant literature and previous research on the subject so you can form a set of hypotheses. Then gather your source material in the field, after which you can analyze it based on your previously gathered knowledge. Finally, I'd be interested in hearing your conclusions. ^_^ I was thinking about blogging about this experience. So, you are more than welcomed to follow the blog. I think that this tread has convinced me that I should do this. I plan to be very upfront and cautious about this as to make the emotional impact as small as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Siggy Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 If you're just dating casually, I don't think it's likely you'll significantly hurt anyone. People may feel disappointed that no miracle struck, and it did not work out in the end. But anyone who feels seriously hurt after just a few casual dates probably has too high expectations to begin with. I'm all for being upfront, but I guess the idea of being upfront on Craigslist sounds a bit extreme to me? I'm worried about the kind of person who would be attracted by such an ad. What if some people fetishize your situation? Well, maybe it's worth a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 Think about it this way: Many people (mainly women) on AVEN have said they've told someone they're asexual, only to find that person even more interested in them because it's a challenge, or because they don't believe them. Do you want to be pursued because the person you choose to do your dating research with doesn't believe you don't want a relationship? How will you explain that you want a relationship but you don't really want a real relationship? People can get hurt that way, and not just the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
robintamblyn Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 What is craigslist? Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Think about it this way: Many people (mainly women) on AVEN have said they've told someone they're asexual, only to find that person even more interested in them because it's a challenge, or because they don't believe them. Do you want to be pursued because the person you choose to do your dating research with doesn't believe you don't want a relationship? How will you explain that you want a relationship but you don't really want a real relationship? People can get hurt that way, and not just the other person. I am aware that there are risks, to others and myself, but I feel that few things are without risk and fewer things worth doing. This is a risk I am willing to take. Link to post Share on other sites
Fitzwilliam Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 As has been mentioned, there /are/ people out there looking for a 'just for fun', casual kinda relationship. I have a friend who was considering one a few months ago, and there's someone over on Acebook looking for the same thing. But again, and I'm sure you know this, even in those sorts of relationships you need to be careful that they don't start to want something more from it. You need to be ready to break it off if they are getting serious about it. Link to post Share on other sites
maven Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 Sometimes, the phrase "casual relationship" is synonomous with "f*** buddy," so I'd be wary of using it to describe what you're looking for. The minute you say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" many girls will assume all you want to do is get in their pants. Dating casually, or dating for fun is probably more what you're looking for. Regardless of what your potential relationship partner says they're looking for, take a look at their mindset towards dating- is it just for fun, to get to know someone well, and share experiences? Or is it more serious, with the question of if this person is "the one" constantly looming in their mind? Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Sometimes, the phrase "casual relationship" is synonomous with "f*** buddy," so I'd be wary of using it to describe what you're looking for. The minute you say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" many girls will assume all you want to do is get in their pants. Dating casually, or dating for fun is probably more what you're looking for. Regardless of what your potential relationship partner says they're looking for, take a look at their mindset towards dating- is it just for fun, to get to know someone well, and share experiences? Or is it more serious, with the question of if this person is "the one" constantly looming in their mind? Here is what I posted on craigslist, Hello, Before I start I must say that this is not a typical dating advertisement. I am a male, aromantic asexual, meaning that I am not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, aged 23, but I want to see what a romantic relationship is all about and give it the old "college try" so to speak. I have no intent to keep the relationship in, its original form, beyond 3 months. What I am trying to say is that I want to date simply as a new experience and not as a methodology to find a life partner or any other common reason that one would have for dating. I have never been nor until now wanted to be in any relationship with any romantic or sexual dynamic, I have never even "hit on" a woman. I am a quiet and take some time getting acquainted to new people but if your are willing to take the time I will shatter my shell. My interests include but are not limited to, debating issues from all subjects, reading non-fiction, baseball, progressive rock music and, political satire. If you know the difference between WAR and war I would like to hear from you, even if you are not interested in the relationship that I have outlined. All I ask of you is that are a woman in my peer group, consider yourself single, live in Mississauga, that you fully understand what purpose for the relationship is and, that you are willing to partake in such a relationship. If you have any questions about myself or what I have outlined please e-mail me and I will respond within 24 hours. I will grant requests for a picture within the same timeframe. Link to post Share on other sites
Feather Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 I've often found myself doing small 'scientific experiments' (as I like to call them) when it comes to dating and the boundaries between friendship and romantic relationships and the like. More for curiosities sake than for any need to have an actual romantic relationship. I've even dated just to see what it would be like and afterwards I've always felt like I used the person and felt kinda guilty for that. I'd be careful about the emotional commitment part of it like your friend mentioned. I wouldn't want the other person to get the wrong impression or get too attached. Not completely on subject, but when you described your dates as "scientific experiments" I immediately thought of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. XD Link to post Share on other sites
Gino Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 a bit off subject but if your going to start a blog would you mind sharing the url? Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 a bit off subject but if your going to start a blog would you mind sharing the url? I have yet to start the blog but that is on my to-do list for tommorow. When I do, I will post the URL. Link to post Share on other sites
maven Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Sometimes, the phrase "casual relationship" is synonomous with "f*** buddy," so I'd be wary of using it to describe what you're looking for. The minute you say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" many girls will assume all you want to do is get in their pants. Dating casually, or dating for fun is probably more what you're looking for. Regardless of what your potential relationship partner says they're looking for, take a look at their mindset towards dating- is it just for fun, to get to know someone well, and share experiences? Or is it more serious, with the question of if this person is "the one" constantly looming in their mind? Here is what I posted on craigslist, Hello, Before I start I must say that this is not a typical dating advertisement. I am a male, aromantic asexual, meaning that I am not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, aged 23, but I want to see what a romantic relationship is all about and give it the old "college try" so to speak. I have no intent to keep the relationship in, its original form, beyond 3 months. What I am trying to say is that I want to date simply as a new experience and not as a methodology to find a life partner or any other common reason that one would have for dating. I have never been nor until now wanted to be in any relationship with any romantic or sexual dynamic, I have never even "hit on" a woman. I am a quiet and take some time getting acquainted to new people but if your are willing to take the time I will shatter my shell. My interests include but are not limited to, debating issues from all subjects, reading non-fiction, baseball, progressive rock music and, political satire. If you know the difference between WAR and war I would like to hear from you, even if you are not interested in the relationship that I have outlined. All I ask of you is that are a woman in my peer group, consider yourself single, live in Mississauga, that you fully understand what purpose for the relationship is and, that you are willing to partake in such a relationship. If you have any questions about myself or what I have outlined please e-mail me and I will respond within 24 hours. I will grant requests for a picture within the same timeframe. Looks good to me! Hopefully you'll get some good responses, and I look forward to reading your blog. Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Sometimes, the phrase "casual relationship" is synonomous with "f*** buddy," so I'd be wary of using it to describe what you're looking for. The minute you say "I'm not looking for a serious relationship" many girls will assume all you want to do is get in their pants. Dating casually, or dating for fun is probably more what you're looking for. Regardless of what your potential relationship partner says they're looking for, take a look at their mindset towards dating- is it just for fun, to get to know someone well, and share experiences? Or is it more serious, with the question of if this person is "the one" constantly looming in their mind? Here is what I posted on craigslist, Hello, Before I start I must say that this is not a typical dating advertisement. I am a male, aromantic asexual, meaning that I am not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone, aged 23, but I want to see what a romantic relationship is all about and give it the old "college try" so to speak. I have no intent to keep the relationship in, its original form, beyond 3 months. What I am trying to say is that I want to date simply as a new experience and not as a methodology to find a life partner or any other common reason that one would have for dating. I have never been nor until now wanted to be in any relationship with any romantic or sexual dynamic, I have never even "hit on" a woman. I am a quiet and take some time getting acquainted to new people but if your are willing to take the time I will shatter my shell. My interests include but are not limited to, debating issues from all subjects, reading non-fiction, baseball, progressive rock music and, political satire. If you know the difference between WAR and war I would like to hear from you, even if you are not interested in the relationship that I have outlined. All I ask of you is that are a woman in my peer group, consider yourself single, live in Mississauga, that you fully understand what purpose for the relationship is and, that you are willing to partake in such a relationship. If you have any questions about myself or what I have outlined please e-mail me and I will respond within 24 hours. I will grant requests for a picture within the same timeframe. Looks good to me! Hopefully you'll get some good responses, and I look forward to reading your blog. So far I have got only spamers on craigslist but I went to a site called datehookup.com and posted a similar ad and got a response from someone who lived two towns over. On the other hand, I was able to contact many people, so this site might work. Edit: here is a link to my new blog: http://overtheblueline.blogspot.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
eee Posted January 20, 2012 Share Posted January 20, 2012 Hey friend, go for it but I don't know man, being married to another avenite, and still holding strong characters and attitude of a aromantic, I think sexuals need more stimulation and romantic attractions. I read your ad and your blog but I can't say how much sexuals will find that appealing. Feelings are unpredictable as human are prone to some emotions here and there but to lure the bait, you might want to consider another asexual and aromantic. Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 21, 2012 Author Share Posted January 21, 2012 Hey friend, go for it but I don't know man, being married to another avenite, and still holding strong characters and attitude of a aromantic, I think sexuals need more stimulation and romantic attractions. I read your ad and your blog but I can't say how much sexuals will find that appealing. Feelings are unpredictable as human are prone to some emotions here and there but to lure the bait, you might want to consider another asexual and aromantic. Well, I got two responces on Craigslist, one from an asexual, but after I responded nothing. So, I went to a dating site and I got a date for Saturday night. We have been texting each other, over the last few days and she said that she understands my intents. So, I will take it from there. As for your sugestion, I think that could work. I have set-up a profile on Acebook but I have yet to do anything with it yet, though. Link to post Share on other sites
eee Posted January 22, 2012 Share Posted January 22, 2012 Hey friend, go for it but I don't know man, being married to another avenite, and still holding strong characters and attitude of a aromantic, I think sexuals need more stimulation and romantic attractions. I read your ad and your blog but I can't say how much sexuals will find that appealing. Feelings are unpredictable as human are prone to some emotions here and there but to lure the bait, you might want to consider another asexual and aromantic. Well, I got two responces on Craigslist, one from an asexual, but after I responded nothing. So, I went to a dating site and I got a date for Saturday night. We have been texting each other, over the last few days and she said that she understands my intents. So, I will take it from there. As for your sugestion, I think that could work. I have set-up a profile on Acebook but I have yet to do anything with it yet, though. Now I am curious. Please let me vicariously live through your adventures of dating life. Tell me the result! Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 Hey friend, go for it but I don't know man, being married to another avenite, and still holding strong characters and attitude of a aromantic, I think sexuals need more stimulation and romantic attractions. I read your ad and your blog but I can't say how much sexuals will find that appealing. Feelings are unpredictable as human are prone to some emotions here and there but to lure the bait, you might want to consider another asexual and aromantic. Well, I got two responces on Craigslist, one from an asexual, but after I responded nothing. So, I went to a dating site and I got a date for Saturday night. We have been texting each other, over the last few days and she said that she understands my intents. So, I will take it from there. As for your sugestion, I think that could work. I have set-up a profile on Acebook but I have yet to do anything with it yet, though. Now I am curious. Please let me vicariously live through your adventures of dating life. Tell me the result! Well you are going to have to wait for another week. We could not find each other at Union Station and postponed our date until the 28th. When the date does happen, I will tell all. Link to post Share on other sites
eee Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 how did that happen? Omg! Okay, I'll wait and buy myself some pop corns. I am very curious about this experiment. Is she from Toronto? I am coming back in April and I hope there will be another Aven meeting! I miss Canada so much! Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted January 23, 2012 Author Share Posted January 23, 2012 how did that happen? Omg! Okay, I'll wait and buy myself some pop corns. I am very curious about this experiment. Is she from Toronto? I am coming back in April and I hope there will be another Aven meeting! I miss Canada so much! I think that we agreed to meet at Union Station, forgetting how vast the place is, and were in different parts of the station. Yes, she is from Toronto. Link to post Share on other sites
RandomDent Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I would personally say no. I've gone on dates, knowing nothing would come of it, simply because I was asked so often it was that or punching them in the face. The dates went... well... Put it this way - punching them would have been nicer. Link to post Share on other sites
eee Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 so any news? Link to post Share on other sites
JJButterworth Posted February 4, 2012 Author Share Posted February 4, 2012 so any news? No, if I did not have bad luck then I would have no luck at all. When I went to meet her last week and she go into a car accident and had to go to the hospital; so, another postponement. We are going to try again next week. I also came across another woman, one that lives about 1km from and she would like to meet when she gets back from New York. It's a mixed bag. Update: I got a date tonight. I responded to a Craigslist ad this week and she responded today and we are going bowling. So my first ever date is tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
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