Guest Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Are you sexual or Asexual and have questions for those of us in the middle? Well then feel free to ask us here and we'll answer. Or...if nobody volunteers...I'll answer. Anyway, I'm a grey-a. I've only experienced sexual attraction twice, and I have never experienced intrinsic sexual desire. That's my background anyway *waits for more volunteers* Link to post Share on other sites
Vampyremage Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I don't have any questions at the moment (I have my very own sexual sitting at home for all my myriad of questions about sexuals haha) but I do think this is a wonderful idea for a thread. I'll certainly respond if I think of any questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Wineblood Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Grey here too (demi to be specific), fairly knowledgeable (gloat :P) and willing to answer questions too. Link to post Share on other sites
Tabula Rasa Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Looks like I'm the first to ask a question! ^_^ What distinguishes grey asexuals from sexuals? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 For me, I've only experienced sexual attraction to a very small number of real life people...as in...the smaller end of single digit numbers. And even then, the only reason that I would want to sleep with them would be to make them happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.B Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 For me, I've only experienced sexual attraction to a very small number of real life people...as in...the smaller end of single digit numbers. And even then, the only reason that I would want to sleep with them would be to make them happy. I can definitely relate to this feeling. So glad I came across this site :) Link to post Share on other sites
Alan Degas Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Wait, are we considering demisexuality to be part of the grey-a spectrum, or how does that work again? I'm getting confused, lol! Link to post Share on other sites
Kail Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I've been confused about myself. For now I've chosen to call myself grey, but i haven't really felt sexual attraction to a person, but i will have random days when i cant get sex related stuff out of my head and want to have sex. I'm not sure if it counts as sexual attraction or me just being horny. I've been trying to figure it out and have come up with nothing.. Link to post Share on other sites
graven Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I'm a n00b gray. Meaning: newly discovered/confirmed, not very knowledgeable at the moment, but most definitely gray. Very much in the same position. I am very self-aware about my own desires/interests/preferences, but am very new to describing them in the context of AVEN/asexuality/gray-A. I wouldn't presume that 'my' answers necessarily fit or apply to someone else, but I am happy to discuss and relate how I feel about or experience things. That's why I joined this site, after all - to relate with other people who have similar feelings and experiences outside of the 'normal' 'sexual' realm. I've been confused about myself. For now I've chosen to call myself grey, but i haven't really felt sexual attraction to a person, but i will have random days when i cant get sex related stuff out of my head and want to have sex. I'm not sure if it counts as sexual attraction or me just being horny. I've been trying to figure it out and have come up with nothing.. Capt. Reid, I can relate to what you're saying. I'll admit, there are days and times when I think, wow, some really intimate physical contact and/or sex would be really great right now. However it's completely generalized. I know full well that no matter who you put in front of me, or who I'd walk into a room and find on/in the bed waiting and available, etc, I would NOT want to touch or have sex with that person. I've sometimes found those feelings confusing too. But as best I can tell from reading on this site, that's not the same as 'sexual attraction' to a person. It makes me wish I could be just completely sex-disinterested, or just plain sexual. Because this kind of feeling is almost inherently a desire that can't be fulfilled. So it can be really frustrating. Wait, are we considering demisexuality to be part of the grey-a spectrum...? I hope so. I think it fits... my understanding is that demisexuality would be a case of feeling sexual attraction in a very limited context, probably infrequently/with a small number of people, and only under those particular circumstances. So I think it fits right within the concept of gray-a being those of us who don't feel sexual attraction 'NEVER,' but where being sexually attracted to another person is definitely a rare exception rather than our personal norm. Link to post Share on other sites
Yolly Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Hi, demisexual here, happy to answer questions! Looks like I'm the first to ask a question! ^_^ What distinguishes grey asexuals from sexuals? This is fairly individual, I'd say it's about not fitting in with sexuals because you don't experience sexual attraction very often/in the same way as sexuals. For me personally, it's about not being sexually attracted to people based on looks; and hardly ever being sexually (or, really, romantically) attracted to anyone, compared to most sexual people I know. I don't think there's a distinct line between grey-A and sexual, it's all about self-identification. Wait, are we considering demisexuality to be part of the grey-a spectrum, or how does that work again? I'm getting confused, lol! I would consider myself grey-A, yes. I've been confused about myself. For now I've chosen to call myself grey, but i haven't really felt sexual attraction to a person, but i will have random days when i cant get sex related stuff out of my head and want to have sex. I'm not sure if it counts as sexual attraction or me just being horny. I've been trying to figure it out and have come up with nothing.. I think I can relate; sometimes I feel like "it would be really awesome to have someone I was interested in to date/cuddle with, or someone I was sexually attracted to to kiss/maybe even have sex with" but I'm not interested in/sexually attracted to anyone, and I wouldn't do those things with someone I wasn't attracted to. It's like, I want to feel sexual attraction because I miss/want to do those things; but that's not the same as sexual attraction. Maybe it's sexual desire as opposed to sexual attraction? Unless you're talking about libido, in which case, that's something else again. Capt. Reid, I can relate to what you're saying. I'll admit, there are days and times when I think, wow, some really intimate physical contact and/or sex would be really great right now. However it's completely generalized. I know full well that no matter who you put in front of me, or who I'd walk into a room and find on/in the bed waiting and available, etc, I would NOT want to touch or have sex with that person. I've sometimes found those feelings confusing too. But as best I can tell from reading on this site, that's not the same as 'sexual attraction' to a person. It makes me wish I could be just completely sex-disinterested, or just plain sexual. Because this kind of feeling is almost inherently a desire that can't be fulfilled. So it can be really frustrating. This is pretty much what I'm talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I'd like to ask a question too. Is it possible for someone to be gray just out of... psychological indifference to sex, rather than physical indifference? Namely, can someone be grey if they experience sexual attraction like sexuals do, but still think of sex as something not mandatory even if they would like to have it? Or would that be called simply a sexual who's not particularly emotionally attached to sex? Link to post Share on other sites
MrsPotatoHead Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I suppose this question was inevitable, but what does it feel like when you DO feel sexually attracted to someone? Do you fantasize about them, or something else entirely? I've checked out posts where sexuals try to explain it but I'm still confused. Maybe a gray-A would be better to ask, as you might be able to see the ace's perspective better? I understand if you can't explain it, but thanks for this thread, it's a great idea ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Jazmin Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I'm still a bit confused as to the difference between grey A and demi-sexuals. Could someone clear this up for me? From what I gather, demis become sexually attracted to their partner after falling in love with them or knowing them for a long time (someone correct me if I'm wrong). Is that the same or similar for greys? If so, then what are the major differences then that distinguish one from the other? Thanks :) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I'd like to ask a question too. Is it possible for someone to be gray just out of... psychological indifference to sex, rather than physical indifference? Namely, can someone be grey if they experience sexual attraction like sexuals do, but still think of sex as something not mandatory even if they would like to have it? Or would that be called simply a sexual who's not particularly emotionally attached to sex? I think it depends on the person. Like I said in the earlier thread, I don't experience intrinsic sexual desire which I guess would be psychological indifference to sex. I do think that if I experienced sexual attraction more often I would call myself a grey even without the desire attached. However, there are people that are sexual and sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent. I guess if they want to call themselves sexuals then there is nothing stopping them. I suppose this question was inevitable, but what does it feel like when you DO feel sexually attracted to someone? Do you fantasize about them, or something else entirely? I've checked out posts where sexuals try to explain it but I'm still confused. Maybe a gray-A would be better to ask, as you might be able to see the ace's perspective better? I understand if you can't explain it, but thanks for this thread, it's a great idea ^_^ For me it's like an adrenaline rush, but scarier. If that makes sense. I'm still a bit confused as to the difference between grey A and demi-sexuals. Could someone clear this up for me? From what I gather, demis become sexually attracted to their partner after falling in love with them or knowing them for a long time (someone correct me if I'm wrong). Is that the same or similar for greys? If so, then what are the major differences then that distinguish one from the other? Thanks :) Demis are on the grey spectrum and basically what you said is right. Greys just happen to be the larger umbrella. From the AVENwiki: People who identify as gray-A can include, but are not limited to those who: do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive are technically sexual, but feel that it's not an important part of their lives and don't identify with standard sexual culture experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them are functionally asexual and experience sexual feelings but do not engage in them people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances people who experience some parts of sexuality but not others Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I think it depends on the person. Like I said in the earlier thread, I don't experience intrinsic sexual desire which I guess would be psychological indifference to sex. I do think that if I experienced sexual attraction more often I would call myself a grey even without the desire attached. However, there are people that are sexual and sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent. I guess if they want to call themselves sexuals then there is nothing stopping them. I understand. Thanks for the reply :) I think I'll open a topic and be a little more specific about said person, so that I can get aimed feedback. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsPotatoHead Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I suppose this question was inevitable, but what does it feel like when you DO feel sexually attracted to someone? Do you fantasize about them, or something else entirely? I've checked out posts where sexuals try to explain it but I'm still confused. Maybe a gray-A would be better to ask, as you might be able to see the ace's perspective better? I understand if you can't explain it, but thanks for this thread, it's a great idea ^_^ For me it's like an adrenaline rush, but scarier. If that makes sense. I guess that makes sense... well, it makes sense to some extent; I just know that I've never felt that O.o Link to post Share on other sites
Wineblood Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 From what I gather, demis become sexually attracted to their partner after falling in love with them or knowing them for a long time (someone correct me if I'm wrong). That's how it went for me. When I thought about my sexual inclinations before and after falling in love, they were very different. Link to post Share on other sites
MrsPotatoHead Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I should probably point out that if I skip a question, I don't really have that great of an answer and decided against answering, lol. But I have an opinion for this! I suppose this question was inevitable, but what does it feel like when you DO feel sexually attracted to someone? Do you fantasize about them, or something else entirely? I've checked out posts where sexuals try to explain it but I'm still confused. Maybe a gray-A would be better to ask, as you might be able to see the ace's perspective better? I understand if you can't explain it, but thanks for this thread, it's a great idea ^_^ For me, it varies! Someone I find amazingly wonderfully sexy: - physical arousal (sort of intense, too) - sexual fantasies (and pretty vivid ones at that) while looking at them, thinking about them, hearing their voice, etc. - a whooshing feeling throughout my entire body (this happens when I feel just aesthetic attraction as well, but it's always in the sexual attraction so I thought I'd include it) - weird adrenaline rush - that "much scarier" thing is so true! - you feel like you're going to die, but it's AWESOME! Someone who is just kind of sexy: - sexual fantasies when looking at them (and not quite the strength of an "amazingly sexy" person) - the whooshing feeling - weird adrenaline rush, "light" version Again, this doesn't happen with a lot of people, and that's why I consider myself gray. Thanks for that; now I know for sure that I'm ace lol. ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Teamocil Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 First I wanted to say, I'm glad this thread exists and thanks to Birdwing for being so vocal about gray-A stuff these last few days. I'm a n00b and have been wanting to find more gray-As and read about other people's experiences. This will probably be pretty rambly and roundabout, but I think my basic question is: How open are you about being gray/what do you tell people about being gray? A little background on me and why this issue is coming up for me: Basically, I've been identifying as a lesbian for the past 6 years or so and now am realizing that label doesn't really fit me and that gray-A is much more accurate. I dated a guy in high school because "that's what people do", realized I wasn't into guys, figured I must be a lesbian. Lived with that for awhile and made myself have sex I didn't really want and now am finally realizing "wow, I'm just not sexually interested in ANYBODY." I enjoy reading and writing slashy stuff and getting off on my own, but have no real sexual desire for anyone on a personal level. Sex is kind of this abstract thing that other people do (which is great for them) but something I have no desire to take part in myself. I have had sex before for a variety of reasons (coercion, curiosity, or a sense of social obligation/expectation) but never because I actually sexually desired another person. Anyway, sorry for the rambling, but the point is I feel like I don't really fit anywhere. I don't feel right identifying as a lesbian anymore and I hate the "living a lie" feeling, but I don't know what to say to people. Grayness seems so hard to explain, and I feel like people take it even less seriously than full asexuality. Also, I don't want to lose my connection with the queer community, but I have been really disheartened by the recent spat of hateful things about aces coming from some segments of it. I feel like I'm straddling the line between the two and I have no idea where I fit in. Has anyone else felt like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Wineblood Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 This will probably be pretty rambly and roundabout, but I think my basic question is: How open are you about being gray/what do you tell people about being gray? Apart from AVEN (where people know what it is), I'm really not open about it. First off, it's not really anyone's business unless it affects them. But the main thing is explaining it, you have to explain asexuality first, then add detail to explain how you fit in the grey area. It's a mega pain to get right and make sure the other person doesn't think you're just a sexual who isn't confident. I've faked being sexual for years before discovering asexuality, so I just keep faking it if it come up around people I don't think would understand and who I don't care to expose myself to. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 This will probably be pretty rambly and roundabout, but I think my basic question is: How open are you about being gray/what do you tell people about being gray? Apart from AVEN (where people know what it is), I'm really not open about it. First off, it's not really anyone's business unless it affects them. But the main thing is explaining it, you have to explain asexuality first, then add detail to explain how you fit in the grey area. It's a mega pain to get right and make sure the other person doesn't think you're just a sexual who isn't confident. I've faked being sexual for years before discovering asexuality, so I just keep faking it if it come up around people I don't think would understand and who I don't care to expose myself to. Pretty much the same, except now I'm more open about asexuality (except around certain people). I only get into the grey area when I explain my ring to people because...well...my ring has a grey part in the middle. And even then it's mainly "the grey is because I'm in the grey area...kind of like bisexuals are in the grey area of gay and straight" (not the best analogy, but it gets the point across). Link to post Share on other sites
graven Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 But the main thing is explaining it, you have to explain asexuality first, then add detail to explain how you fit in the grey area. It's a mega pain to get right... I'm a little nervous about the eventual need to explain this, too. I haven't had anyone ask me out in a while - which is a relief, not a complaint. But I keep thinking maybe I would just continue to rely upon my old standard reply of 'I'm not interested in dating anyone right now' rather than try and get into the details of exactly why and what kinds of things I could or couldn't consider possible within a relationship even if I were to meet someone I thought I could potentially be interested in. I think it'd be much easier to be able to say (if I felt like being blunt with someone), "I'm not interested because I'm asexual." Which in a sense, if we're thinking of gray-a and demisexual as a part of the asexual community, is not a totally inappropriate generality. But at the same time, would not feel like a right thing to say about myself, either, since we do have those distinctions, and that means something to me. But yeah, much tougher to think about explaining that to someone else, especially a stranger or new acquaintance, who probably just figures they're asking you out for a normal romantic/sexual 'get to know you and see where it goes' kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Faelights Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 I don't want to explain the grayness, because to me - it seems like that would quickly require you to divulge all the sexual things you're into, or how many people you're attracted to, or if you have a libido, or if you masturbate, or whatever - and, gawd, I have issues talking about that in an anonymous forum. How am I supposed to bring that up to my friends, or my mom?! I came out to my parents as asexual a long time ago but how do I change it now and "prove" I'm not asexual, without getting into very squicky details? I mean, seriously, I've got a couple of meetups tomorrow - first time I've seen these people since discovering my grayness - and I kind of don't want to go because I'm pretty sure at least a couple of them know about these things I've been posting and I'm so embarrassed. Birdwing? You are under no obligation to explain anything about your private identity that you don't want to explain. This goes for most things that belong exclusively to you. *hugs* Don't worry about it too much, really. Link to post Share on other sites
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