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The grey romantic thread


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So between conversations with a few unnamed people, there seemed to be a need for a thread that specifically dealt with those of us who are grey and demiromantics. I personally have found that there have been a lot of us and we're extremely underrepresented within the asexual community.

So a grey romantic is somebody who identifies between romantic and aromantic. This is different from grey asexuals in that grey-a is a sexual orientation and greyromantic is a romantic orientation.

Some greyromantics are demiromantics, some have very few crushes, some have squashes and there are probably more examples that I can't think of right now but hopefully more people can help elaborate on this thread.

Because the greyromantic umbrella is pretty big and pretty unknown this seems like a good thread for us to start talking about the issues that face us.

More definitions:

Demiromantic-a person who experiences romantic attraction after developing an emotional bond

Squash-In between a squish and a crush

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I've no idea what I am because all the answers people have given me for romantic feelings have been unhelpful. Anyone else feel that?

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I feel like I probably belong here in this group, but I don't really have any sort of issues to talk about either (at least not any issues dealing with romance)

/boring and stuff o_o

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I think I might be grey-heteromantic now that I've read this. I've had crushes, never a serious relationship though, nor do I really want one, if that makes sense. I'd like to be aromantic honestly but I don't think that'll totally happen.

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I've recently been contemplating not being a "full romantic". I do get very strong romantic feelings, but it's only been for a handful of people so far. Not really sure where that falls.

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Vampyremage

I do believe I fall nicely into the category of grey romantic, grey panromantic to be specifically. I identify as such for two main reasons. First, while I do want to eventually be in a relationship again, I don't need to be in a relationship. While I prefer to be in a relationship, its a fairly slight preference and I am almost as happy being alone as I am being with someone.

Second, I don't believe I desire the same sort of connection and commitment that most full romantics desire. My personal space and personal time remain extremely important to me in and out of a relationship and if I don't get enough of it, a relationship simply will not work. Second, I don't have any underlying desire for a relationship to last forever to ever find "the one" because I don't really believe "the one" exists. I am quite content to be with someone for a few months or a few years, for as long as we remain happy together and then leave them when/if we grow apart and are no longer happy. Such a relationship is not a failure at all, particularly if it ended on good terms and all the memories of the time together remain largely happy ones.

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Thank you for this thread ! :wub:

I fall into this category as well.

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The romantic department in and of itself seems as though it is such a vague entity to define, particularly this area of grey/demi associations. :blink: I suspect I could fall under this category, but... I have not experienced the utter extreme of romantic feelings with someone, nor completely accepted aromanticism as something I subscribe to (yet?). I have not met that one person that could make me potentially a demi romantic instead of aromantic...so, I can't be completely sure at this point.

Either this hints to the definition of "grey romantic" a bit, or only accentuates the vagueness...

All I know is that I only want a relationship on the condition that this person is abnormally and extremely compatible with me as a living partner...someone who I could, well, live life with. I mean truly live life with. And love with, if even possible. But I'm happy as I am right now. I don't have that twinge of yearning for someone. Sure, I get lonely but I think mainly I want to fill that hole with making good friends; not quite an S.O. Hmm....

*Goes back to introspecting*

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cthuvianace

Thank you for this thread! I'm grey-romantic, specifically demiromantic (which I'm so glad that it's becoming an actual term now).

I don't really have any romantic issues though. I just kinda go with the flow...

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I fall into this category, although I would tend to say that rather than being gray-romantic, that I just don't identify with a romantic orientation at all. For me, it would feel like I was privileging romantic relationships, whereas in my life, platonic relationships have always mattered most to me.

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Thanks for posting this, Tea. ^_^ I've been meaning to make a thread just like this for a while now, but I've got issues with making serious threads like these. XD

I've no idea what I am because all the answers people have given me for romantic feelings have been unhelpful. Anyone else feel that?

Up until early this year, I would have been "this"-ing all over this. ("This"-ing? Really, Strivna?)

The only reason I say that is because I've begun to get some idea of what romantic feelings might be this year through my own experiences...I think. At least, I'm pretty sure I have. :unsure: I mean, I've been in relationships before, but what I suspected to possibly be romantic attraction each time just wasn't romantic attraction. I still don't know how to describe it, but I know for a fact that I felt nothing romantic.

That being said, I can honestly say that I've been romantically attracted to just one person throughout my life, which leads me to strongly believe I'm demiromantic. Even though it's a strong attraction, however, there's no way I'd act on those feelings. I've already got a great relationship with my best friend, and there's no way I'd risk anything getting in the way of that. Why ruin a great friendship with a relationship with someone that would have unforeseeable results (probably turn out horribly XD)? In short, this sums up my attitudes toward the whole damn thing: Friendship > Romantic Relationship.

Admittedly, if I were to ever get into a relationship, I would want it to work just like a friendship.

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Quill Pen Gentleman

Thank you for making this thread. :) :cake:

Personally, I'm a bit confused regarding my romantic orientation. I'm labeling myself as gray aromantic for the time being.

The reason why I'm so confused is becuase I have different feelings. I get a lot of squishes on people, male or female. But sometimes, I get something that is in between a crush and a squish. That's just in real life, though. Fictional characters, especially cartoons, I am attracted to any kind of way (and I think I might be sexually attracted to some but I'm not sure). I've experienced romantic attraction before, but it is not very often. And I can't put a finger on my romantic orientation becuase I have that "something between a squish and a crush" for certain people of either gender. So, I'm more of an aromantic.

This has been a big issue for me, so I don't mind feedback. :)

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ignoranceisn'tbliss

I've identified as greyromantic for a little while now for reason's below:

But sometimes, I get something that is in between a crush and a squish.

This ^. I also rarely have a crush on someone. Theoretically gender shouldn't matter to me, but so far every crush has been female so I may be grey-heteroromantic. Other than that I still have no idea why I get crushes for people as there is nothing similar I can figure out. I have never acted on crushes though because I'm kinda shy about that.

I don't really feel like I have any issues with my greyromanticness other than feeling like crap for not acting on the rare crush I get, and those go away in a week or two for me.

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I don't believe I desire the same sort of connection and commitment that most full romantics desire. My personal space and personal time remain extremely important to me in and out of a relationship and if I don't get enough of it, a relationship simply will not work. Second, I don't have any underlying desire for a relationship to last forever to ever find "the one" because I don't really believe "the one" exists. I am quite content to be with someone for a few months or a few years, for as long as we remain happy together and then leave them when/if we grow apart and are no longer happy. Such a relationship is not a failure at all, particularly if it ended on good terms and all the memories of the time together remain largely happy ones.

I agree with this. It´s like you can read my mind.

The only one situation which makes me feel like I want to be in a relationship is when I fall in love. Only when I´m in love I become romantic. But when I´m not in love I don´t search for a partner. I´m not interested in romantic relationship until there´s someone who can switch on my romantic part, which is usualy off.

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Can I poke my nose in here for a second and ask about something I have always wondered about? Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? :cake:

Here's my point. I consider myself a very romantic person, but I think I have some demiromantic traits too.

Here's a brief summary of my romantic life: I've only been seriously romantically attracted to one person in my whole life. That's my ex. Before him, I had a sort of crush on another person, but then he changed completely and I was very let down by the kind of guy he had become. We never were together really, just talking as friends, so it wasn't very hard on me, even though we had been friends for quite a few months.

My ex's case was different. We first met four years ago, developed a friendship three years ago, and after over a year of friendship we got together. I've always known I had a crush on him, but my feelings... developed with time, as we were together. I grew more and more attached to him. He became the most important person in my whole life, the only one I could possibly fathom to reach happiness with. After more than a year together, my asexuality caused the breakup because he couldn't stand it any longer. It hurt me much more than the previous case did, because... I don't know. I never had such a connection with anyone and I strongly believe I will never have feel like this again for any other person in the world.

Now the point is, while I would feel very sad about being single and alone all my life, I also don't want a relationship just for the sake of it, and I'm not prone to crushes at all. We have broken up four months ago and I've never stopped thinking about him ever since, and never felt anything more than friendship for anyone else.

It took me a lot to fall in love and share such a deep bond. I don't think it will happen again.

So... here's my story. I guess it sounds very romantic, but I wanted some thoughts from you.

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Thank you for this thread! I'm grey-romantic, specifically demiromantic (which I'm so glad that it's becoming an actual term now).

I don't really have any romantic issues though. I just kinda go with the flow...

^This^

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Sweet and Tender Hooligan

I'm starting to realize that I'm more grey-romantic.

I've only had one affection towards someone that might have been considered to be a crush, more often my affections fall in-between being a squish and a crush.

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After about a half-hour staring at this thread, I'm still at a loss on how to word my post. Oh well, I guess I'll just write now and explain later.

I've been calling myself grey-romantic for some time now, because no other term has felt like a good fit. I do tend to develop crushes on people, but they are often short-lived and half-formed. If I'm not already friends with the person I'm crushing on, the crush usually takes the form of a romantic squish, but it's far more often that I develop romantic feelings towards good friends. In these cases, I don't usually want a relationship with the person, and am instead content with making a simple confession or admiring them from afar.

Then again, the idea of getting into anything beyond a romantic friendship with someone is enough to make me lose my appetite. :ph34r:

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I don't really have any issues. I am functionally aromantic apart from very rarely and no one hassles me why I'm not in a relationships or anything, so... *shrugs*

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I have a question, since I'm new to this forum, what exactly is a demi-romantic, and what's a "squash"?

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A demiromantic is somebody who develops romantic attraction to a person after developing an emotional attachment first.

A squash is something in between a squish and a crush.

*adds the definitions to OP because I probably should have done that earlier :P*

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Stormharrier

Ooh, grey romantic. That sounds like me. Don't know why I didn't think of that before, but there ya go.

But yeah, what Pandoren said really. Aromantic most of the time, except on special occasions, and even then I don't want to do more than be friends with them (why ruin a perfectly good friendship?). And I don't get pestered about it either so no real issues.

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Sweet and Tender Hooligan

Alright, I've already posted my own bit, but it was quite short, as I was hastily replying to this topic before going to work. So I'm going to give a lengthier post about my personal romantic orientation.

I've had squishes throughout my life. Which I suppose makes sense.

At about middle school age, when it got to the point when a majority of my peers were interested in dating, I remember wondering why I had never had a crush before. It didn't bother me too bad, but I still wondered why I wasn't like others in that respect. I had never "liked" anyone more than being a good friend.

My first affection towards someone that could be described as a crush though, didn't occur until age 15 or so. Before then, I had just had squishes, maybe a few "squashes." That crush lasted for a while, but never went anywhere, and I got over it in time.

Then pretty much nothing as far as romantic feelings toward anyone until this spring, when I developed what I suppose would be a squash. At the time though, I had never heard the term and was just really confused over whether or not I had a crush.

Currently, I see romance as a vague idea that might appeal to me at some point, but not at the moment. (But it's the summer before my last year of high school, so if I were to suddenly become romantically involved with someone, it would be a complete nuisance anyways, since I'll only be living here for a little more than a year before moving for school. So that turns out well for me.)

I haven't had a proper crush for a while. My romantic feelings are mainly squashes. Romance is mildly appealing, but not any sort of big deal for me.

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This post is very timely because it's been something I've been taking into consideration for a the past week or so (and it's literally been over a year since I've been on AVEN. What are the chances of that, finding the post I need right at the top of the forum?)

Anywho, thank you for defining this a little more for me, because I had always considered myself on the aromantic side of things--then a few years ago I developed what I think was a crush, something that I still cannot quite understand since I knew that person for less than two days and have never seen them since, but that's a whole other story. For now I am in a bit of a state of confusion because as much as I'd like to believe I can go the rest of my life alone with a handful of really awesome friends, I'm beginning to worry that this may not be the case.

I've been trying to process the concept then of finding someone to "be with." Esoteric puts what I've been thinking about very well here:

All I know is that I only want a relationship on the condition that this person is abnormally and extremely compatible with me as a living partner...someone who I could, well, live life with. I mean truly live life with. And love with, if even possible. But I'm happy as I am right now. I don't have that twinge of yearning for someone. Sure, I get lonely but I think mainly I want to fill that whole with making good friends; not quite an S.O. Hmm....

As well does vampyremage:

...I don't believe I desire the same sort of connection and commitment that most full romantics desire. My personal space and personal time remain extremely important to me in and out of a relationship and if I don't get enough of it, a relationship simply will not work.

So in other words, I would search for a close bond, perhaps closer than friendship but not necessarily romantic (although I would not rule that out).

Yet what is bugging me is how does one go about searching for that sort of relationship? As much as I love the friends I have, all of them are sexual and I cannot selfishly think that I will be able to keep at least one of them for the rest of my life--that would get in the way of their own romantic bonds. Nor do I want to go through the whole dating thing, trying a hit or a miss to see who will stick around once they find out I'm an ace; not to mention will that rare person be compatible with me? Plus a relationship that starts like that promises romance, which is not 100% what I would be looking for.

For now, I'm technically in a good state, because I'm not desperate, I don't need that person right now. In fact, I'm not really sure if I ever will need that person. But still, I can't help but wonder...

How do people who have already identified as grey romantics approach/find potential relationships?

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Vampyremage

For now, I'm technically in a good state, because I'm not desperate, I don't need that person right now. In fact, I'm not really sure if I ever will need that person. But still, I can't help but wonder...

How do people who have already identified as grey romantics approach/find potential relationships?

Its something that I wonder about as well, to be honest. My past relationships all occurred before I realized anything about being asexual or grey-romantic. The ones that worked best, by chance, happened to be the ones in which we didn't spend all that much time together and sex wasn't a large component of the relationship. Which isn't to say that we didn't spend any time together, because we did and quite regularly, but we were busy people at that time and so time spent together was probably less than in many relationships.

Now that I'm more aware of who I am and what I want in a relationship, I'm not quite sure how I'll go about finding it. Honestly, I think I'll probably just leave it mostly up to chance. All of my past relationships have just sort of come to me without actually going out and seeking them, so I'm hoping the same thing will happen now as happened then. Yes I would prefer to be in a relationship, but not so much that it really seems worth putting forth much of an effort to go and find one. If I find a potential partner, then effort will be made to ensure that it works for the both of us, but until that potential partner shows up, I just don't see the point. It'll either happen or it won't, either way I'm not going to stress about it.

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I think I'm more romantic when it comes to other people. I love watching Disney movies and seeing the happy ending, I love it when things works out for my friends/family and they find the right person. Of course, I still dislike weddings. Go figure. But when it comes to myself, I've had plenty of squishes/squashes and crushes, all have been relatively short lived, as I think I said above.

Does it make any sense though that I want to be aromantic even though I'm usually not? I find crushes and whatever more of a pain usually. I have an atypical reaction, I hide from the person until it goes away...

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I too am confused by grey romantic / demi romantic spectrum.

My relationship story is similar to Silver's. With my ex I developed a bond after being friend's with him for a year & I left him cause he made me feel like an object and like I was a challenged that needed to be conquered ) it took me almost 2 years to fully get over him. After him I tried to get with other guys but didn't feel connected like how I felt when I met that guy.

Since then my mood determines whether I feel romantic or not. Majority of days I feel aromantic but once in a while I feel romantic. Like once talking to a person here made me feel romantic for about 2 days but when I saw them on the 3rd day aromanticness returned -__-

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I have relatively conventional romantic relationships, but I've always identified closer with aromantic experiences because I don't get crushes, and don't feel a separation between the romantic/sexual. I have long since decided to stop worrying about the apparent contradictions. They are created by the binary, not by me. They confuse my boyfriend though. :lol:

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ya that definition might fit me

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How do people who have already identified as grey romantics approach/find potential relationships?

For me personally, I found out that having romantic friendships worked so much better than relationships did. For example, after my last relationship I started a romantic friendship with this guy who we will call John. Having a friend that I could talk to about things while also cuddling, kissing, etc. was perfect for me (John, sadly, wasn't the right friend for that but that's a completely different story)

This all happened before I even identified as grey-anything but looking back on it, it was one of my favorite relationships simply because of the structure.

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