Random Happenstance Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 So essentially, I'm in a pretty darn annoying situation. I feel like I want closer friendships than is typical, or a relationship if it's easier (I do prefer one-on-one situations anyway), but where I have an emotional and intellectual connection with the person(s), and have less barriers between us (also appreciative of hugs, and physical closeness as it's comforting). But I don't feel the kind of romantic attraction I hear people describing. The most I feel is a kind of 'intellectual attraction', where if I know someone quite well, and we have a fair amount in common, I'd have more of a desire to be around that person (or people), and feel more comfortable with them. And now I find myself hoping that people I have that connection with will seek a relationship with me just to gain that closeness, then realising they would expect a sexual, monogamous, romantic relationship. None of which I really need, or want particularly. I'm ace, monogamy is a bit neutral to me, and romance bugs me. So, it's rather confusing :S Anyone else find this? Any comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Shenhua Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I feel pretty much the same. I feel like a relationship would be too much for me somehow, but a friendship isn't always enough. I want a middle ground between the two, where I can be really comfortable and close to a person without it being extremely romantic. I'm not really sure what kind of attraction I feel. I don't think it is romantic. I also think mine is more of an intellectual attraction. ~Shenhua Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 I feel pretty much the same. I feel like a relationship would be too much for me somehow, but a friendship isn't always enough. I want a middle ground between the two, where I can be really comfortable and close to a person without it being extremely romantic. I'm not really sure what kind of attraction I feel. I don't think it is romantic. I also think mine is more of an intellectual attraction. Yay, I'm not alone! And thankyou for putting things in slightly simpler terms. Things aren't easy for the likes of us, I guess we have to hope to find people that would be happy with that halfway point. :) And nice pic. Love L, he is an awesome character :D Link to post Share on other sites
Shenhua Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I'm also glad I'm not alone! I tried to explain what I felt to one of my friends once. She tried to understand, but she still didn't completely get it. Yeah, it is difficult even to explain it to someone. It's even more difficult to find someone who I'm intellectually attracted to who also wants this type of relationship. But knowing there is at least one other person out there who wants something like this gives me hope. :D Thank you! I love L, too. :) :) :) ~Shenhua Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 People don't seem to understand anything outside of the 'norm' of relationships. It's easier to explain romantic attraction, or not wanting a relationship than this half-way grey area. I've attempted to explain it to a couple of friends, one didn't believe in asexuality, and the others said 'I'm sure you'll find someone for you who doesn't want sex'. Kinda misses the point. I wonder if that kind of thing can come with just building on a strong friendship, but people mostly seem to keep these barriers up. Fingers crossed and keep on hoping :) I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy for those who do feel romantic attraction sometimes. I've always sat like him :D Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Aah I never knew how to describe what I needed until now...! I told my friend that it was a whole 'mental' thing and he just didn't get it <_< I feel the same way lately. Like, I don't even have anything else to add, u guys just basically said it for me. And BTW I once went thru a phase where i sat and held things *with 2 or 3 fingers* like L (I got kinda obsessed ) Then I tried acting like Misa :P When I watch anime i get a little too into it Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 17, 2011 Author Share Posted April 17, 2011 Whoo *high five* I feel so much less alone now :) I wonder if this would be considered grey-aromantic? Bah, who needs the classification, it's good enough to know what we want, and that we aren't alone in it. Joy! Haha, the awesome thing was that it had started way before I saw Death Note. I did start holding things like that, admittedly (and talked a bit like him, but shhhh). They can draw you really into them :) Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Yay for discovery! And dude so now i'm a Grey Aromatic/Biromantic Asexual? Oh dear lord thats a mouthful bwahaha im just kidding, i am what i am ^_^ And yeah its sooo hard to find ppl like me especially where i live. Its really antisocial in my area and would take a decade to even get semi-close to someone :( I'm never giving up though!! And hah are u for real? Thats awesome. It was hard to sit like a dang ole cricket like L does cuz i cant even sit regularly with my legs criss-cross! Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 XD Yeah... I'd consider myself probably grey-aromantic/panromantic asexual. And some people settle for straight or gay haha. I know the feeling, where I live it's all superficial looks, drinking and underage pregnancies (you just have to walk into town to see that). But I have my group of slightly weird friends, who I am thankful for, even though I have a tough time to relating to them as much as I'd like. Plus, gaining any closeness is tough since I'm rather socially awkward haha. We will hold the faith though :D Yep, definitely real. I've found it very comfortable, I've always been partially double jointed (one and a half jointed?), and it helps me concentrate and think better. Okay, so my classification is now; 1.5 jointed, socially awkward, grey-aromatic/panromantic asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
Shenhua Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Haha. You guys are awesome. I'm also a bit socially awkward, but I have a group of weird friends. :) But, generally, once I find someone to be friends with, we click and become close right away. I love holding things like L and sitting like him. I sit a lot like him normally (and have since I was little -- it's the only sitting position that feels very comfortable to me), only I actually put my butt on the chair. One time, my friends and I had a contest of who could sit like L the longest. I tied for first, but when I went to step out of the chair, I almost fell because my legs were so weak. (I was probably sitting like that for 30 minutes or more.) Holding things like him is just fun. And sometimes it feels more natural. I also get way too into anime... :lol: Oh! And I started calling myself a grey-aromantic a month or two ago. I couldn't put a label on it for the longest time, and I felt like that was the only one that sort of fit. ~Shenhua Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Yay for us! Yeah, I'm the same if I meet someone kind of one-on-one, but within a group of people it's harder for me to make individual connections, as I have to evenly divide my attentions. I seem to be good at gaining the trust of others, but they dump their troubles on me without really caring about mine (I do act pretty strong mostly though, still...). Yeah, I'm the only one I know who doesn't need to have their butt on the chair (or to be using only the ball of the feet) to sit like that. Weirds people out sometimes haha. Ouch... 30 minutes?! That must've been tough. Haha, I try using my mobile like that, but to no avail, my grip isn't strong enough. I guess I do too. :lol: Yeah, it's the closest, but wouldn't that mean we experience romantic attraction sometimes? It's a bit annoying... hmm... I'll probably call myself panconnective aromantic because I like to form strong emotional/intellectual connections with people, without experiencing a romantic attraction or desiring a typical relationship. (yay for a new term) Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_Holmes Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 well hi! i feel slightly bad about joining in on this fairly progressed conversation.... so sorry about that.... :) however, panconnective is an awesome term. just saying :D and this is actually really interesting, i mean it sounds really superficial being so caught up in labels and i don't mean to be but i have a lot of demiromantic versus aromantic issues so this whole grey aromantic things sounds very appealing (and not just because it is so fantatastically way too technical :) ) and yeah i think it would probably mean that you experience it sometimes. although. i think perhaps because it's grey aromantic as opposed to demiromantic it would more mean that you were capable of experiencing various degrees of romantic/platonic attraction as opposed to just straight up romantic attraction which i think is what you were aiming for so that's good! :) i know what you mean too, a relationship like that would be nice :D and dude! how do you sit like that for 30 minutes?? that's insane!!! :) Link to post Share on other sites
EarthWarrior Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 So essentially, I'm in a pretty darn annoying situation. I feel like I want closer friendships than is typical, or a relationship if it's easier (I do prefer one-on-one situations anyway), but where I have an emotional and intellectual connection with the person(s), and have less barriers between us (also appreciative of hugs, and physical closeness as it's comforting). But I don't feel the kind of romantic attraction I hear people describing. The most I feel is a kind of 'intellectual attraction', where if I know someone quite well, and we have a fair amount in common, I'd have more of a desire to be around that person (or people), and feel more comfortable with them. And now I find myself hoping that people I have that connection with will seek a relationship with me just to gain that closeness, then realising they would expect a sexual, monogamous, romantic relationship. None of which I really need, or want particularly. I'm ace, monogamy is a bit neutral to me, and romance bugs me. So, it's rather confusing :S Anyone else find this? Any comments? I feel very similar. So you're definitely not alone. For me, I'd just like someone who is that little bit closer than a friend, someone I can travel with, go on weekends away with etc. Someone I can be more non-romantically loving towards. I don't long for it, and am happy the way I am, but at some point in my life, it would be nice to find someone like that ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
never odd or even Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 i really dont know where i am on the romantic orientation level of things whether i'm grey/A/demi or wtf. anyway, your not alone. i love the intimacy of a close friendship and the intimacy between relationship and friendship, but generally cant step up the emotional levels enough for a romantic relationship..... i think Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 panconnective is an awesome term. just saying :D and this is actually really interesting, i mean it sounds really superficial being so caught up in labels and i don't mean to be but i have a lot of demiromantic versus aromantic issues so this whole grey aromantic things sounds very appealing (and not just because it is so fantatastically way too technical :) ) and yeah i think it would probably mean that you experience it sometimes. although. i think perhaps because it's grey aromantic as opposed to demiromantic it would more mean that you were capable of experiencing various degrees of romantic/platonic attraction as opposed to just straight up romantic attraction which i think is what you were aiming for so that's good! :) i know what you mean too, a relationship like that would be nice :D and dude! how do you sit like that for 30 minutes?? that's insane!!! :) Yeah :) But it would only work if it was recognised (I wonder if there are enough of us for that... haha). But people outside of AVEN wouldn't know either way, so may be useful for that haha. I know what you mean about labels, but having one that other people share makes you feel a bit less alone in your experiences, and can also clarify things in your own mind... or that's what I find anyway. Grey-aromantic does seem to fit quite well, I can probably use the term reasonable comfortable for myself. Yup :D That is rather O.O I feel very similar. So you're definitely not alone. For me, I'd just like someone who is that little bit closer than a friend, someone I can travel with, go on weekends away with etc. Someone I can be more non-romantically loving towards. I don't long for it, and am happy the way I am, but at some point in my life, it would be nice to find someone like that ^_^ Yay, we have someone else ^^ I guess I do long for something like that, kind of, because I feel alienated quite often, and it'd be nice to have people that help you see the world isn't so unforgiving in a way... But that'll probably change when I get out into the world a bit more. i really dont know where i am on the romantic orientation level of things whether i'm grey/A/demi or wtf. anyway, your not alone. i love the intimacy of a close friendship and the intimacy between relationship and friendship, but generally cant step up the emotional levels enough for a romantic relationship..... i think And another one, hello! The labels are confusing at times, not completely sure where I fit in even now. It's nice to know there are so many people with a similar approach/experience. 6 of us now. Link to post Share on other sites
Dr_Holmes Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 yay six of us (hi never odd or even) :D yeah haha i don't think anyone outside of aven would have any idea about any of these things. let's just resolve to confuse them as much as possible eh? :) and yeah no i find the same thing, the labels help to figure out how you feel about things, you don't have to restrict yourself to them permanently but they are definitely useful for clarifying thoughts and not feeling alone :) oh and this it'd be nice to have people that help you see the world isn't so unforgiving this is really sweet :) i think the whole commitment and support and happiness of having your friend with you all the time and knowing that you both really care about each other but without the need for unnecessary romantic sappiness would be nice. someone to do that (see the world in a better light). yeah. :) Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Well, better bombard them with stuff they don't understand than say 'it's complicated, but...' :) Yep, so it's grey-aromantic asexual until proven otherwise. My mum doesn't get that, and is completely against me using these 'labels'. Sigh... Funny, that's the first time anything I've said has been regarded as sweet. It would be very nice, just have to hope that I'll have that some day. Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Yay for us! Yeah, I'm the same if I meet someone kind of one-on-one, but within a group of people it's harder for me to make individual connections, as I have to evenly divide my attentions. I seem to be good at gaining the trust of others, but they dump their troubles on me without really caring about mine (I do act pretty strong mostly though, still...). Yeah, I'm the only one I know who doesn't need to have their butt on the chair (or to be using only the ball of the feet) to sit like that. Weirds people out sometimes haha. Ouch... 30 minutes?! That must've been tough. Haha, I try using my mobile like that, but to no avail, my grip isn't strong enough. I guess I do too. :lol: Yeah, it's the closest, but wouldn't that mean we experience romantic attraction sometimes? It's a bit annoying... hmm... I'll probably call myself panconnective aromantic because I like to form strong emotional/intellectual connections with people, without experiencing a romantic attraction or desiring a typical relationship. (yay for a new term) I LIKE PANCONNECTIVE AROMANTIC! Its like the perfect definition! :lol: And yeah i'm the queen of listening/solving every1 else's problems. Its funny b/c in the end i know everything about some1's life and they know little about me. I've learned to accept it though. But i have also learned that you've simply got to speak up if u ever want to be heard. I've just known for a while now that its the issue of personally evolving. Some people may never grow past that stage of "me me me"... But yeah panconnective is absolutely amazing. I try not to label too much but for some reason this excites me :P Oh yeah and hi Dr_Holmes, never odd or even, EarthFlower, and Shenhua! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 I LIKE PANCONNECTIVE AROMANTIC! Its like the perfect definition! :lol: And yeah i'm the queen of listening/solving every1 else's problems. Its funny b/c in the end i know everything about some1's life and they know little about me. I've learned to accept it though. But i have also learned that you've simply got to speak up if u ever want to be heard. I've just known for a while now that its the issue of personally evolving. Some people may never grow past that stage of "me me me"... But yeah panconnective is absolutely amazing. I try not to label too much but for some reason this excites me :P Oh yeah and hi Dr_Holmes, never odd or even, EarthFlower, and Shenhua! ^_^ XD Me too... may have to use it. Official or not :D Yeah, it becomes pretty normal, and it is funny how much you end up knowing about people in the end, isn't it? I guess that's another reason a closer friendship would be nice-so they worry about you like that, at the same time as you worrying about them. Me too :) Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Ahaha I want to use it but i'm not sure if people will think i'm going too far. Like, the therapist i used to see thought that the term Demi-sexual was absolutely ridiculous. She thinks that the whole asexual thing is just being petty and trying to make yourself feel more special or something <_< Which i've come to find out is the general view of most phsycologists these days... oh well And yeah i sometimes feel like im 'intellectually starved' in a way. I wanna have some1 who's like mentally there for me (physically is nice too but its not my main thing :P ). I wanna feel like we're on the same level and such, ya know? Everything around me lately is so one-sided. But im not givin up! ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Shenhua Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Yes! I want someone to be there fore me mentally, too. And someone to "help [me] see the world isn't so unforgiving". :) I'm glad to see there are even more of us now!! So... panconnective asexual or grey-aromantic asexual? Haha. This is getting to be quite confusing. I like both terms... Although the term "grey-aromantic" could be used to describe a person who experiences romantic attraction sometimes, I think it could also mean someone in the grey area between romantic and aromantic... But possibly leaning toward aromantic. Oh, and as for how I sat like that for 30 minutes or more... Well, as L would say, "I'm childish and I hate to lose." Yes, my legs were shaking, I felt like I was going to fall, and all that... But it was a competition. And there was one other person left. I'd hate to think I sat like that all that time and lost. We eventually agreed to get up at the same time and tie. (Neither of our legs could handle it much longer.) Yeah, labels can get very complicated, but they are also helpful. Hello, fellow whatever-we-are-now-titles!!! ~Shenhua Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Woah, multi-quote galore :lol: Ahaha I want to use it but i'm not sure if people will think i'm going too far. Like, the therapist i used to see thought that the term Demi-sexual was absolutely ridiculous. She thinks that the whole asexual thing is just being petty and trying to make yourself feel more special or something <_< Which i've come to find out is the general view of most phsycologists these days... oh well You wouldn't need to use it unless the topic came up I guess, and that is a really ridiculous view. I know one of my friends said 'it's just because you want to be a different'. Jeesh. Just to annoy her, you should give yourself as many obscure labels as possible haha And yeah i sometimes feel like im 'intellectually starved' in a way. I wanna have some1 who's like mentally there for me (physically is nice too but its not my main thing :P ). I wanna feel like we're on the same level and such, ya know? Everything around me lately is so one-sided. But im not givin up! ^_^ ^ This! Completely. So... panconnective asexual or grey-aromantic asexual? Haha. This is getting to be quite confusing. I like both terms... Although the term "grey-aromantic" could be used to describe a person who experiences romantic attraction sometimes, I think it could also mean someone in the grey area between romantic and aromantic... But possibly leaning toward aromantic. Well, I dunno but grey-aromantic feels more like it means experiencing some romantic attraction to me, so I wouldn't be so certain about using it. But I suppose it would fit that it means the grey area between the two also. I guess grey-aromanitc for people familiar with the terms, panconnective for those I'd have to explain to no matter what I said? I feel most comfortable with panconnective, but probably because I came up with it, so it's meaning is very close to my feelings haha. Maybe we should do a poll about making it official? I dunno haha Oh, and as for how I sat like that for 30 minutes or more... Well, as L would say, "I'm childish and I hate to lose." Yes, my legs were shaking, I felt like I was going to fall, and all that... But it was a competition. And there was one other person left. I'd hate to think I sat like that all that time and lost. We eventually agreed to get up at the same time and tie. (Neither of our legs could handle it much longer.) Haha, like L in personality too I see :D Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 You wouldn't need to use it unless the topic came up I guess, and that is a really ridiculous view. I know one of my friends said 'it's just because you want to be a different'. Jeesh. Just to annoy her, you should give yourself as many obscure labels as possible haha Well, I dunno but grey-aromantic feels more like it means experiencing some romantic attraction to me, so I wouldn't be so certain about using it. But I suppose it would fit that it means the grey area between the two also. I guess grey-aromanitc for people familiar with the terms, panconnective for those I'd have to explain to no matter what I said? I feel most comfortable with panconnective, but probably because I came up with it, so it's meaning is very close to my feelings haha. Maybe we should do a poll about making it official? I dunno haha Bwahaha dude im sure she would wig out if i brought up all the labels we've been talkin bout ahaha :D And yeah i'm not quite sure what romantic attraction is. I'm thinkin if i don't already know then maybe i really don't have/get it? Hah who knows. And im not sure i get crushes either...? They're more like 'infatuations' if u will :P Shenhua - yay for us! I'm glad this post was started ^_^ Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Bwahaha dude im sure she would wig out if i brought up all the labels we've been talkin bout ahaha :D And yeah i'm not quite sure what romantic attraction is. I'm thinkin if i don't already know then maybe i really don't have/get it? Hah who knows. And im not sure i get crushes either...? They're more like 'infatuations' if u will :P Shenhua - yay for us! I'm glad this post was started ^_^ Hahaha, sounds like she would :lol: Me neither, I've never had crushes or squishes, the most is the intellectual attraction I mentioned before and respect/admiration. Someone's been telling me about someone they like lately but I just don't understand it at all. I have to think of it in platonic terms If I'm feeling like I particularly desire a closer friendships I'll have 'what if' moments about people I respect like that, such as 'what if they asked me out, and only wanted an asexy non-romantic open relationship...' then realise there is no chance haha. Never got the whole, tight chested, nervous around them, wanting to be with them exclusively feeling. If I get on with someone well I really hold onto that though, because of how rare it is, and how much I value it, but that is it. Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Man i so know what ur talkin about. When i click with someone its like im always 'looking up to them' or inquiring about their thoughts on something. And for awhile i used to think i was platonic with relationships because of my religious background (i grew up/stil am growing up in a Christian home). But for the last few years i've strayed completely from any of that and i'm still in the same boat. So i figure its my 'panconnective-ness' :P I do sometimes get that feeling of exclusive-ness, but its actually just the basic feeling you get when someone interrupts your conversation or something. Thats as far as it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 And noone seems to get it when you explain that. I doubt it's much to do with lifestyle and things, I suppose you can't really 'turn off' that kind of attraction (from what I've heard), you either feel it or you don't (romantics can correct me if I'm wrong). Yay for panconnective-ness :D I do love kind of exlusive one on one conversations about something I can really engage with, it can be such a relief after the 'messy' group conversations that tend to be had, often not on a topic I connect to. People often mistake me seeking out these conversations as me 'liking' said person. I try and shrug it off though. Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Oh my goodness I DELIGHT in one on one conversations. I have the same issue when others see me seeking out certain people for those - they claim "crush!" and i'm all "uh...huh?" Hah my lunch table is the exact definition of 'messy' when it comes to talking. It just feels like a game of "who can come up with the deepest/funniest/craziest statement" Again, i guess it has to do with maturity/self-evolution. Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 I hate it when people pair you off with someone, but I have to admit I'm thankful for it at times, as people's 'meddling' may result in more opportunities to talk to that person one on one. It may lead to misinterpretation on occasion though, but I am now 'out' so it's all good now (I think, since it was very recent). The worst conversations are the ones that somehow end up about sex-constantly. My friends aren't even sexually active!! They somehow delight in such conversations though, and I take every opportunity to change the subject to some form of debate, or just sit out of them, heh. Link to post Share on other sites
GraverNikooru Posted April 18, 2011 Share Posted April 18, 2011 Oh my gosh i know! And yeah actually i've noticed that in my group of friends its the non-active ones who make the biggest fuss about sex (silly right? ) I recently attempted to come out, but past reactions have left me jaded and im a little afraid of being the 'social pariah' of the table. How did you go about coming out? Link to post Share on other sites
Random Happenstance Posted April 18, 2011 Author Share Posted April 18, 2011 Yeah, it is silly. The closest I get is complaining about the sexual nature of a lot of pop songs haha. I came out through a bit of a cowardly route with my friends I guess, but since it's the holidays and I'm not seeing people till schools back on the internet was the only way (didn't feel like a public announcement I guess). So I told my close friend via email, and the confusion I was going through, no response yet though. Other than that It was more 'Hi, how are you' 'Okay, bit confused though' 'why is that?' '<explaination>'. Was an easy way (though it took more persuasion than that to get me to actually tell haha). I told my mum easy-ish, slightly awkward conversation, led onto by another topic heh. Generally people have either not understood, or not liked the idea of labels, but they pretty much get it now. :) Link to post Share on other sites
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