misscuriosity Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 I have never experienced it in my life. I have had boyfriends before, and I dated the last one almost for two years, but I don't think I was in love. Link to post Share on other sites
Deremna Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 For me, the simplest way I can put it is like this: I would willingly toss myself in the path of a car or a bullet or a crazy person with a knife to protect my boyfriend. I feel like I am a better person with him than without him and the thought of him not being in my life induces an actual, physical pain in my heart. Love is one of those things that's a little hard to describe but that's how I feel about my boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Samael Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 I've never felt (romantic) love, but that seems like obsessive clinginess to me, Deremna. Are they the same? Link to post Share on other sites
Deremna Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 I'm not really clingy since that word, to me, implies a need to be near and practically physically attached to someone all the time. It would probably be considered obsession if he didn't feel the same way about me. I think that may be the difference. If the other person wanted nothing romantically to do with me, then that person may find my feelings creepy; but since my boyfriend returns my feelings, we call it love. I think it's different for everyone who experiences it.. This is a hard question to answer, actually.. Link to post Share on other sites
Sockstealingnome Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Well it's definitely not what TV shows tell you about butterflies in the stomach or fireworks when you kiss. That sounds much more like lust than what love should be. Other than that, I'm sorry but I can't help you. I've never felt it myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Heartilly Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Hm . . . I almost wasn't going to reply to this because even though it happens to me often, it's very difficult to put into words. I think I'm going to try anyway though. Think of it as a trade-off. When you're not in a relationship, your main concerns when you wake up every morning are about taking care of yourself. You have to eat, earn a living, deal with any social issues you might be having with friends or family, give yourself some relaxation/fun time, or just do whatever is important to your personal life, which is different for everyone. Essentially, you're the only person fully focused on taking care of you, and since there's no one else to do it, that needs to be your primary concern because if you don't take care of yourself, who will? When two people are in love, they're still concerned about taking care of themselves, but not as much because they also want to help each other. So it's a trade-off. Some of the burdens in your life are lifted because someone becomes concerned with them, even if it's just a mental worry and no more than that. This makes you free to be concerned about that person more, so instead of thinking about what you need to do as much (though of course you still need to do that to some extent too), you'll think about what they're right now in their day and wonder if everything's going okay for them. Just knowing that you're thinking of them and looking out for them makes them worry a little less, and knowing that they're looking out for you should make you worry a little less. Essentially, you're giving up some of the burdens in your own life and taking on some of theirs. That's why it can be difficult to be apart sometimes because it's like a part of yourself is missing (and yes, I have described myself as clingy before and am not afraid to use that term because I know it describes me). When you see each other after that, you just feel relief and happiness because you know you don't have to worry anymore since you're both there for each other. You can discuss the problems going on in your lives and find ways to make them better, just forget about them and do things that you both enjoy to revel in the happiness of being with each other. That's what I think being in love means. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 What you describe sounds more like regular love/feeling of partnership, Lady Heartilly. Having been in love, I describe it more as being much more emotionally up-and-down, because you don't necessarily know that the other counts you as important as they are. Unless you're in a committed relationship or marriage, being in love can really drive you nuts. (And it isn't necessarily lust; asexuals can be in love.) Link to post Share on other sites
. . .but there are sounds Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Love feels sort of like drinking one of these. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrism Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 Love, as I know it, is very hard to grasp or be sure of. I have never been in a relationship but I have loved (without sexual attraction). It is everything in your world having a centre of gravity, that being them; everything you do you do to in some way reassure yourself that they like you. You obsessively plan and blissfully imagine encounters with them. Love is something so much deeper than lust, and it is very much to do with not only the other person but your deepest nature. I loved someone who's personality and spirit seemed to chime so well with my own. Love comes completely about out of the blue, but does not always survive without concentration and nurture. Above all, it makes you want to be better. It makes you get off your arse and make something of yourself. Though often it pains, it gives you a new selflessness. Love has improved me as a person - which is why I tried to hang on for it for as long as I could. That was a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Tigoness Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 For me, the simplest way I can put it is like this: I would willingly toss myself in the path of a car or a bullet or a crazy person with a knife to protect my boyfriend. I feel like I am a better person with him than without him and the thought of him not being in my life induces an actual, physical pain in my heart. Love is one of those things that's a little hard to describe but that's how I feel about my boyfriend. What she said. I would add this - when you'd be not only willing, but happy, to simply sit, or lie, and watch them sleep all night, and still have a smile on your face in the morning. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Heartilly Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 What you describe sounds more like regular love/feeling of partnership, Lady Heartilly. Having been in love, I describe it more as being much more emotionally up-and-down, because you don't necessarily know that the other counts you as important as they are. Unless you're in a committed relationship or marriage, being in love can really drive you nuts. (And it isn't necessarily lust; asexuals can be in love.) Well, that's true too. If it isn't mutual, you worry about the other person just as much as yourself, if not more, constantly wondering what they're doing and if they're thinking about you. In that situation, it can be more of a burden, but you get this odd sort of satisfaction every time you see them and know they're okay. Link to post Share on other sites
MetalGoblin Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I don't believe that there is a universal definition of Love. It means different things to different people. For me, I think that it probably is an obsession. Perhaps that's weird, but that's how I feel about it, and I certainly don't see anything wrong with it. Link to post Share on other sites
misscuriosity Posted April 19, 2011 Author Share Posted April 19, 2011 Thanks, everyone, for the replies. Very interesting! Link to post Share on other sites
JHC Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 Your first thought in the morning is of them. Your last thought at night is of them. You smile a ridiculous amount around them. Your definition of what you look for in a partner changes to fit them exactly, and you can't imagine wanting anything different. When you fight, you obsess about it and it hurts. You do things you absolutely do not want to do because their happiness is more important to you than your own. You physically feel trills of pleasure when you're with the other person. et cetera et cetera et cetera *at least for me* Link to post Share on other sites
FrozenCherry Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 It feels different with different people. I should write a book about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pamcakes Posted April 26, 2011 Share Posted April 26, 2011 I find the experience of being in love to be the emotional equivalent of orgasm; extremely heightened sensitivity and transcendant perception leading to soaring intensity of emotion, mostly almost unbearably sweet and pleasurable - but if something is done wrong by either partner once in that state, the crash is painful, and so much worse than it might have been if you hadn't had so great a height to fall from. It's psychological ambrosia when it's good, but the heightened sensitivity opens you up to terrible pain if something goes wrong. With that said, it's worth noting that there is no love relationship where no-one ever gets hurt, because even the most loving, and best-meaning people are human and imperfect, and mistakes and misunderstandings, bad moods and even just occasionally irritating mannerisms are natural to the human state, especially when two people are so emotionally vulnerable to each other; the rise and fall of good and bad emotion is a natural part of any love partnership, and as long as the rise of good feeling is more frequent and "reliable" - the default state - than the fall of bad feeling, it's probably a normal, healthy relationship. P. Link to post Share on other sites
MadeOfStars Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 The things people are listing like intense emotional pleasure, having butterflies, etc. — do you still feel that after you've been in the relationship for a while? I'm married, and I felt butterflies and stuff when we first got together but that was five years ago. Now I just feel comfortable. All the other things people are saying seem like things I would feel in any platonic "best friend" relationship (wanting to share everything, feeling protective, thinking about him when he's not here, feeling more hurt by something they do). Actually, I've gotten butterflies at the beginning of other new friendships I was excited about too. I'm really confused about the difference between platonic and romantic love. He is my best friend and I love him more than anyone. But what makes it romantic? Or is it not? Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Heartilly Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 The things people are listing like intense emotional pleasure, having butterflies, etc. — do you still feel that after you've been in the relationship for a while? I'm married, and I felt butterflies and stuff when we first got together but that was five years ago. Now I just feel comfortable. All the other things people are saying seem like things I would feel in any platonic "best friend" relationship (wanting to share everything, feeling protective, thinking about him when he's not here, feeling more hurt by something they do). Actually, I've gotten butterflies at the beginning of other new friendships I was excited about too. I'm really confused about the difference between platonic and romantic love. He is my best friend and I love him more than anyone. But what makes it romantic? Or is it not? I have noticed that once it becomes more mutual, the butterflies go away. I think that's only because it means you're more comfortable around the other person because you know things are working out, which is probably good. I normally just get butterflies when I'm not sure if he feels the same way or not, so I get all nervous and my heart starts racing when I see him. Once we start going out, it's only natural to get less nervous because you know the other person wants to be with you, so after that it becomes more relaxing and less exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
MadeOfStars Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Yeah, I mean that seems to make sense to me too. That's why I'm confused. =) Link to post Share on other sites
Pamcakes Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I have been dating my boyfriend over a year now. In answer to the question about when 'in love' settles into a more mature, stable love, I still get excited when I see him. I don't get nervous, but then, I never did. It certainly "calms down" after a while, but that doesn't mean the effect lessens; it just changes. P. Link to post Share on other sites
MetalGoblin Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 He is my best friend and I love him more than anyone. But what makes it romantic? Or is it not? If you believe that it is romantic, then it is. Like I said, romance and love mean different things to different people. In fact, pretty much everything means different things to different people. Link to post Share on other sites
MadeOfStars Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 He is my best friend and I love him more than anyone. But what makes it romantic? Or is it not? If you believe that it is romantic, then it is. Like I said, romance and love mean different things to different people. In fact, pretty much everything means different things to different people. True... I guess I'm just not sure anymore if I do believe it's romantic, since I'm not sure what romantic means =) I've only been in two relationships, and I definitely didn't love the other guy (didn't even really like him all that much) so I don't have a whole lot of experience with romance. I always would "like" people and then once it got to the point of actually becoming romantic I would feel really weird and wouldn't let it progress. So I dunno... maybe I am aromantic and just happened to luck out finding a good best friend/life partner to marry? It's confusing trying to differentiate between all the types of attraction. I know it doesn't really matter as long as we're happy, but I just like to know myself. Link to post Share on other sites
MetalGoblin Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 He is my best friend and I love him more than anyone. But what makes it romantic? Or is it not? If you believe that it is romantic, then it is. Like I said, romance and love mean different things to different people. In fact, pretty much everything means different things to different people. True... I guess I'm just not sure anymore if I do believe it's romantic, since I'm not sure what romantic means =) I've only been in two relationships, and I definitely didn't love the other guy (didn't even really like him all that much) so I don't have a whole lot of experience with romance. I always would "like" people and then once it got to the point of actually becoming romantic I would feel really weird and wouldn't let it progress. So I dunno... maybe I am aromantic and just happened to luck out finding a good best friend/life partner to marry? It's confusing trying to differentiate between all the types of attraction. I know it doesn't really matter as long as we're happy, but I just like to know myself. I think that I can understand that. It's important to realize, though, that it's up to you as an individual to decide what "romantic" means to you. That's the Existentialist in me talking, so if you disagree with that philosophy then my statement might not help. Link to post Share on other sites
PiF Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 What's being in love like?..if it's real...then hard work but worth it Link to post Share on other sites
MadeOfStars Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I think that I can understand that. It's important to realize, though, that it's up to you as an individual to decide what "romantic" means to you. That's the Existentialist in me talking, so if you disagree with that philosophy then my statement might not help. I'm a little bit existentialist, and I do think emotions and feelings of any kind pretty much have to be self-defined since we can only know what we ourselves feel. But at the same time, it can be good to have a common definition so we can relate to each other better — I mean, that's the point of language, and especially helpful when trying to communicate abstract ideas. I guess that's the main reason I want to know... so when people are talking about romantic love I know whether they're talking about the same thing I thought it was. If not, then I'd like to be able to take that into account. I guess I just like to know as much information as possible when I'm talking about things, and I like to know where other people are coming from too. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Your first thought in the morning is of them. Your last thought at night is of them. You smile a ridiculous amount around them. Your definition of what you look for in a partner changes to fit them exactly, and you can't imagine wanting anything different. When you fight, you obsess about it and it hurts. You do things you absolutely do not want to do because their happiness is more important to you than your own. You physically feel trills of pleasure when you're with the other person. Apart from the underlined statement, I agree with all of the above. If I had to synthesize how I feel about being in love... I can compare it with being completely unable to imagine happiness and life without my special someone, and always prone to feel at top when I'm with him. Link to post Share on other sites
. . .but there are sounds Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Your first thought in the morning is of them. Your last thought at night is of them. You smile a ridiculous amount around them. Your definition of what you look for in a partner changes to fit them exactly, and you can't imagine wanting anything different. When you fight, you obsess about it and it hurts. You do things you absolutely do not want to do because their happiness is more important to you than your own. You physically feel trills of pleasure when you're with the other person. Apart from the underlined statement, I agree with all of the above. If I had to synthesize how I feel about being in love... I can compare it with being completely unable to imagine happiness and life without my special someone, and always prone to feel at top when I'm with him. Depends, my mother loathes hockey, normally she would avoid it at all costs. However, on multiple occaisons, she has gone to a hockey game with my father because she knows he wants to be able to share something he loves with her. The bond between them is such, that she can even enjoy her time at the game, even if she can't enjoy the game itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Depends, my mother loathes hockey, normally she would avoid it at all costs. However, on multiple occaisons, she has gone to a hockey game with my father because she knows he wants to be able to share something he loves with her. The bond between them is such, that she can even enjoy her time at the game, even if she can't enjoy the game itself. Well, I thought of something a little more... incisive than hockey. I agree on doing things you don't like for someone you love, but doing things you feel utterly uncomfortable with is something else. In my opinion, not everyone would do so for a loved one. Link to post Share on other sites
. . .but there are sounds Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 Well, I thought of something a little more... incisive than hockey. I agree on doing things you don't like for someone you love, but doing things you feel utterly uncomfortable with is something else. In my opinion, not everyone would do so for a loved one. Fair enough. I suppose it might not be by everyone's definition. In my opinion though, it is the willingness to sacrifice one's own wellbeing for that of another that denotes love for that other. Link to post Share on other sites
Avistew Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 For me, being in love is a feeling that is a mix of a lot of things that feel a bit like fear (sweaty palms, heart beating fast, weakness) and the feeling you get when you're on a roller coaster going down super fast, or falling (say in a plane that's going through a patch). That feeling is experienced when I see him, think about him or am around him. There is also a feeling that's more like peace, as well. For instance, when I first see him, there is a jolt of the previous feeling, then calmness and happiness and the second feeling, and I want to hug him. I'm polyamorous, and we often distinguish between two types of feelings: NRE (New Relationship Energy) which is the way it feels at the beginning of a relationship, or when you have a crush or things like that, and ERI (Established Relationship Intimacy) which is a feeling of knowing each other very well, you know you can rely on the person, you can make decisions for them when they're not around because you know what they'd pick, etc. They can overlap a bit, but NRE often ends after a while, and ERI doesn't start right away. They're both love, but different feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
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