What will I do when I am older?

[dawson]

Hi all,

I am, well, totally asexual. In addition, I am aromantic, and I hate even the thought of masturbation (never done it, and never looked at porn). I've never done anything romantic or sexual with anyone, either. Now, let me clarify, if I had to choose between "straight" and "gay," I'd pick "straight," because the thought of being gay also repulses me (I have nothing at all against gays, I have gay friends, but the thought of me doing something gay repulses me.) The thought of doing something sexual/romantic and straight doesn't exactly repulse me, but I don't like it either. Basically, I have no interest in romantic or sexual love with anybody. However, I'm 20 now and I've been thinking... what will I do when I'm older? Right now I live with my parents, but I don't want to live in their house forever. I want to get a job, become independent, get my own house, etc. But I also have a fear of being alone. I don't want to live my life alone, in a solitary house. I could live with my brother but he would probably think it an intrusion. He's my identical twin but he is not asexual and I wouldn't want to intrude upon his marriage, as I would be kind of a third wheel. But I just have this terror of living alone; I fear getting murdered or something, or dying alone and forgotten. I have friends, yes, but I don't want to live with them because they have their own lives. So I'm thinking I should just get a wife. But what kind of wife would want to be with a guy who isn't sexually attracted to them nor even romantically attracted? I might be good friends with her, and we might even have kids through artificial insemination (if there is a way for them to extract sperm without masturbation), but I wouldn't want to have sex with her. If she really really wanted it, I might do it, but I would gain no pleasure, and I would not be romantically in love, at best a friendly kind of love. I wouldn't want her to have sex with other men though because it would feel like she violated the marriage. What kind of woman would put up with all these things? Do I need to find a nice asexual + aromantic girl? But I don't want her to be ugly (Though I am asexual, I do form my own opinions about attractiveness, not sexual appeal but just general good looks). I feel like I am so demanding and I want all these things that I am not willing to settle for less than, but I know it won't be possible. I want a woman that will put up with all this stuff. Is there hope for me, or will I die alone as I so fear?

[Ace in the Hole]

Welcome! Have a slice of

A/N: Read this in as light and carefree a voice as you can manage. I'm generally very to the point, so I always come off much harsher than I mean to be.

Since your problem seems to be a fear of being murdered or dying forgotten, not necessarily a matter of loneliness or want of companionship, you might think about getting counseling (if you go to a big school or church, they sometimes have free or cheap services). If that's not an option for you, try getting a roommate or renting a room in your hypothetical future house. When s/he leaves, find a new one. Get an watchdog, multiple cats, an advanced alarm system, decorate with bright, cheery colors and with lots of bright light and few mirrors, or live next door to a friend or relative. Don't watch scary movies and avoid houses or ground-level apartments with big windows. Get a white noise maker or a radio (they drown out the scary, creaking noises a house makes). Buy or rent a small, cozy house. If you do end up marrying a girl and she's not an aromantic asexual, you need to be totally upfront with her; to do otherwise is just douchy. But I do suggest counseling. This seems like a phobia, an irrational fear that interferes with your ability to go about daily life. Yes, living alone is a big, scary step for many people, but not usually because they're afraid of being murdered. If you can't or won't seek counsel, start identifying methods and things that minimize or distract you from your fear; there aren't many aromantic, asexual girls out there.

If your fear of dying alone is one of loneliness, the onus is on you to build decent, enduring relationships (and I double suggest the neighbor thing). If your fear of dying alone is the idea of your corpse not being discovered for days, the onus is on you to build decent, enduring relationships with your neighbors (or set up some kind of check-in system that alerts the police if you haven't checked in in 24 hours.)

Incidentally, you can have your sperm aspirated (though you might have to pretend you've had a vasectomy).

[Lucinda]

But I just have this terror of living alone; I fear getting murdered or something, or dying alone and forgotten.

I must admit I don't understand why people are afraid of dying alone. When you are dead, you are dead. If they don't find you for 2-3 years, what will you care?

Do you think you have a greater chance of being murdered if you live in a house alone? Do you think your brother's wife will scare off a murderer so the murderer will come looking for you instead?

Why not do what many people do and get an attack hamster?

Lucinda

[Sally]

Dawson: It isn't at all unusual for people to fear being alone, and/or dying alone. It certainly isn't unusual for sexuals to fear that. Sexuals don't always find something they either love or want to live with the rest of their lives.

As far as marriage or finding a girl/woman, you can't "order" one, like you'd order something from a restaurant menu. You'll just have to take that as it comes, just as sexuals do. There are, of course, likely less asexuals than sexuals so our chances of finding another asexual are less, but there are plenty of sexuals who have trouble finding a good relationship.

I think what you're saying is that you're not so much afraid of dying alone--as in the actual act of dying when you're alone--as being without someone to live with during your life, and at the end of your life. But you needn't depend upon a marriage or relationship to have living partners. There are platonic friends who live with each other, and there are organizations which pair up people who don't want to or can't afford to live alone. You're young enough, probably, that those opportunities will be greater in the coming years.

Try not to worry so much about being alone as you get older. Often what you worry about doesn't happen. Being asexual does not have to mean being completely alone.

[plohih]

be strong.....

[Chickenpede]

But I just have this terror of living alone; I fear getting murdered or something, or dying alone and forgotten.

I know exactly what you mean by this, and you're not weird for it at all. I would be afraid to live alone in a large house or apartment, because periodically I have this irrational fear that someone would come in and kill me in my sleep. I have no idea who would want to do that, but all the same I create several disturbing scenarios in my head of this. When I think of my own future alone, I often stop at this issue, because another person would be so handy in a situation like that. But at the same time, I don't WANT anyone so close to me. It's quite an issue.

[ily]

My best advice is to cross that river when you come to it. Have you ever lived alone? When I was younger, like ages 18-21, I would feel anxious whenever I was alone in the house by myself. But then I ended up living alone in an apartment when I was 22, and I came to enjoy it. If you do end up living alone, there are a lot of advantages to it-- listening to whatever music you want, keeping your own standards of cleanliness, decorating however you want. Also, I wouldn't totally discount living with friends. If you enjoy their company and they want to live with you, why not?

[CornOnDaCobb]

Option C: go live in a commune/group house

As long as you don't mind radical politics / sexuality between the other members, this could work. I too share your fear of being alone, so when the time comes I will go find a group housing arrangement and join their family XD

Otherwise, get a cat. Cats help me when I'm lonely.

[MCYX]

well I am in the same boat. I don't want to spend my whole life alone, seem lonely. Dying alone doesn;t seem like my thing either.

I mean I want a companion in my life and will stay with me forever til death. So I cam up with 3 thing:

1)Find another asexual who wouldn't mind marrying me and we can have a marriage of convenience. We can sex,kid etc I am not the asexual who fear sex, I am one of the few weird one who would like sex but I don't have a "feeling" of love or affection in a romantic way to anyone. They can see new people and if one day they decided they aren't asexual (one without romantic feeling) and fall in love with someone they can leave me and the kid since it was a marriage of convenience and same for me.

This one is like a 1% chance since I doubt i will find someone like that.

2) Adopt kid or impregnate myself (unlikely since the kid will have issue with no father and stuff) since I do want kid and they would fill my life with joy, excitement, and we can travel and do anything forever til I die.

3) Live a lonely life by myself but with enjoy time with other people and friend. Spend time with my brother/sister kid.

[dawson]

@Lucinda/anyone else who misunderstood: It's not really that. I'm just afraid of being lonely and not living a full life.

@Others: Thanks for the input. I have never really lived alone, I've been home alone for intermittent periods of weeks or months but it's not really the same. I didn't mind those days. I am heavily introverted (scored a 0/100 on the queendom.com introversion-extroversion test... make of that what you will), but I just feel safer/better when somebody else lives with me. Even Introverts do get lonely and just the fact that someone else lived in my house would reassure me somewhat. I want to live a "normal" life but my needs are highly irregular and I don't know if I will ever meet the right person.

[GirlDreamer]

Moving to Asexual Relationships forum

GirlDreamer Q&A co-mod