Siggy Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 This is going to sound a little crazy… I can’t help but think of aromanticism as an obstacle to be overcome. If I sit around and do nothing, I’m never going to fall in love with anyone, never going to get a crush, not even a friend-crush. The way around this obstacle is to take some initiative, to be active, rather than passively waiting for someone to come along. Half of me thinks this is totally delusional and self-destructive. Aromanticism is not an obstacle to be overcome, it just is. But it’s a very persistent delusion, and I still find myself believing it after several months. Whether it’s true or not, I figure it would be harmless to try dating people. Male or female, I honestly don’t care. But how could I possibly date people without any sort of emotions to back it up? By what criteria would I pick a person? How am I supposed to ask someone out? Do I have to feign romantic interest, and how would I do that? The most trivial details of dating, I fear, will be lost on me, because it’s all so unnatural. (I also fear that it might be unfair to the person I date.) So are there any tips on how I could try dating? If you think I am deluded, comments to that effect would also be appreciated (recall that half of me agrees). Link to post Share on other sites
TheMuffinMan Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Well, while I never thought of my aromanticism as something to be overcome, I was curious as to whether I could develop those feelings if I tried a more proactive approach. I'd recommend doing what I did-choose people carefully, from different aspects of the personality spectrum, seeing if there's a certain personality type that appeals to you in that way. Try going on at least a few dates with each new personality type, see if any feelings develop. Once you're sure they probably won't, pick another one. Mind you, if you want to be thorough, this could take a while to try a diverse population. If you want to feign romantic interest to see if you can string it along and perhaps turn it into real romantic interest, go ahead-the shallow mechanics of romance, if not the actual feelings, are rather simple to figure out. And if you know how to deal with someone on a one on one, friendly basis, then you know how to act already for about 90% of what happens on a date. As for it being unfair to the person you're dating-not really. There's a difference between casual interest and romantic interest, and the purpose of early dates is to figure out whether or not you have a romantic interest in the person you're dating, so dating an aromantic isn't really all that different from dating anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
AFlyingPiglet Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 I would pretty much agree with what TheMuffinMan has said. I'm Aromantic and came to the conclusion that I was through dating different people. Most of the people I dated were within my friendship circle and we went on various dates to get to know one another and to work out if we were more than friends. A lot of the people go through this sussing out process - deciding if they fancy one another - this is generally a normal part of of the dating process and is a 2 way thing (the person you date will be sussing you out too). A word of warning I would give is knowing when to call it a day if you don't have feelings towards the person. I did attempt one 'romantic' relationship that lasted around 13 months because I was desparately hoping that if I went through the motions enough then the feelings would eventually click in. I managed to call the relationship off but felt exceptionally guilty as he loved me and I never ever told him that I had no feelings towards him whatsoever. I would also say just enjoy the company of the people you are dating and whatever you decide to do on the dates, but don't put pressure on yourself to try to feel anything. Maybe you will feel something towards the person and maybe you won't - feelings are not good or bad, they just are. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
GirlInside Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Who says you can't be happy not dating? What I did was look at everything I wanted from a relationship and figured out how I could get it in ways that don't require going through the exhausting dating game. Link to post Share on other sites
Siggy Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thanks for all the advice, everyone. ^_^ Who says you can't be happy not dating? What I did was look at everything I wanted from a relationship and figured out how I could get it in ways that don't require going through the exhausting dating game. Some of you may have had the experience where you tried dating, and became disillusioned with it. But it's different for me. It never occurred to me to pursue a relationship with anyone. So I've never really dated at all (with one small exception, but that didn't count). I feel it is only fair that I should get to try it like you did. Link to post Share on other sites
DarthMarth Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Who says you can't be happy not dating? What I did was look at everything I wanted from a relationship and figured out how I could get it in ways that don't require going through the exhausting dating game. I would rather agree with this. I'm a heteroromantic who has decided that dating and such just aren't worth pursuing, but it's hard to convince myself. I envy aromantics who don't have to struggle with that. I encourage you to view being aromantic not as a deficiency in anything, but as an opportunity to pursue other things you enjoy free from the distractions of romance. Link to post Share on other sites
oneofthesun Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I can’t help but think of aromanticism as an obstacle to be overcome. If I sit around and do nothing, I’m never going to fall in love with anyone, The problem with that logic is that in trying to "get over" your aromanticism you might end up hurting people you care about. It makes sense that you wouldn't date someone you didn't really like, correct? But if you tried to date someone you do care about even though you're aromantic, chances are you will end up hurting or disappointing them in the end. That's been my experience... Although, I admit I've never had the chance to date someone I was really crazy about. If a sexual person I really liked asked me out, I would say no because I know I wouldn't be able to fulfill their needs adequately. Link to post Share on other sites
inter\m/ent Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 One way you could pick people would be to say yes when asked you get asked out. That is what I did years ago, I never could care for the date other than in a friendly way, felt all anxious and guilty about hurting their feelings, hurt their feeling because I did not wanna pursue anything romantic or sexual, which is what they wanted. Even if you merely accepted to date people who wish to date you, chances are you do not want the same things and also, you are using them as means to your end which is your perceived need to overcome aromanticism. Suppose there were romantic workers (is that what escorts do?) then it might be fair to hire them for dating purposes but then again by what criteria do you choose them? and would that be likely to help you? other than in a socio-professional context perhaps where you 'had' to bring a date. Link to post Share on other sites
Gotanks0407 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 This is going to sound a little crazy…I can’t help but think of aromanticism as an obstacle to be overcome. If I sit around and do nothing, I’m never going to fall in love with anyone, never going to get a crush, not even a friend-crush. The way around this obstacle is to take some initiative, to be active, rather than passively waiting for someone to come along. Half of me thinks this is totally delusional and self-destructive. Aromanticism is not an obstacle to be overcome, it just is. But it’s a very persistent delusion, and I still find myself believing it after several months. Whether it’s true or not, I figure it would be harmless to try dating people. Male or female, I honestly don’t care. But how could I possibly date people without any sort of emotions to back it up? By what criteria would I pick a person? How am I supposed to ask someone out? Do I have to feign romantic interest, and how would I do that? The most trivial details of dating, I fear, will be lost on me, because it’s all so unnatural. (I also fear that it might be unfair to the person I date.) So are there any tips on how I could try dating? If you think I am deluded, comments to that effect would also be appreciated (recall that half of me agrees). i agree with you, but i think of this in the way of aromanticism and asexuality, and i know exactly what your talking about, but i do suffer from the same disillusionment when i try to think of them this way, and your only hurting yourself if you truly are aromantic. Link to post Share on other sites
AVENCakes Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 If you think it's an obstacle, it might be for you, just as there are asexuals who genuinely are late bloomers, haven't met the right person, etc- it is possible that you're actually demiromantic. Truthfully, though, the best thing to do is just forget about it. Ignore anything about relationships- don't want one. No, really, it's the best solution. Then, if you do find a person you want to date, it's genuinely because you want to date them, not because you want to date somene and are settling. Or, if you don't find a person- it's not like it's a big problem. In that sense, demiromantics really are the best off- they don't want a relationship until they find the "right person" that they actually want to date, while others are at a greater risk of dating someone just so they aren't alone, which ends badly for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Siggy Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 One way you could pick people would be to say yes when asked you get asked out. That is what I did years ago, I never could care for the date other than in a friendly way, felt all anxious and guilty about hurting their feelings, hurt their feeling because I did not wanna pursue anything romantic or sexual, which is what they wanted. Even if you merely accepted to date people who wish to date you, chances are you do not want the same things and also, you are using them as means to your end which is your perceived need to overcome aromanticism. Suppose there were romantic workers (is that what escorts do?) then it might be fair to hire them for dating purposes but then again by what criteria do you choose them? and would that be likely to help you? other than in a socio-professional context perhaps where you 'had' to bring a date. I've never really been asked out. I wouldn't read too much into that; I assume it's because I'm male. I'm quite sociable. The idea of an escort does not appeal to me at all. It's off the table. The problem with that logic is that in trying to "get over" your aromanticism you might end up hurting people you care about. It makes sense that you wouldn't date someone you didn't really like, correct? But if you tried to date someone you do care about even though you're aromantic, chances are you will end up hurting or disappointing them in the end. That's been my experience... Although, I admit I've never had the chance to date someone I was really crazy about. If a sexual person I really liked asked me out, I would say no because I know I wouldn't be able to fulfill their needs adequately. That's a really good point. I'm wouldn't want to sacrifice friends just for some mad social science experiment. :( Maybe if I ask strangers or distant acquaintances? That just introduces new problems. You should know, I'm not especially optimistic about the results of dating. But I want to go out and make mistakes! I think it should be less risky than an asexual trying out sex, am I right? I am not necessarily thinking of going out with a person for thirteen months at a time or anything like that. Maybe just one or two dates with the same person, and if nothing happens, I'll try someone else. Other people have failed dates all the time, so I hope one or two more would be harmless. Link to post Share on other sites
AFlyingPiglet Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I can’t help but think of aromanticism as an obstacle to be overcome. If you are truly aromantic then you can't 'overcome' it. I don't see aromanticism as something to overcome, but for a very very long time I did (before the terms aromantic or asexual were around). Personally I don't regret that I tried dating, otherwise I would have a lot more questions about asexuality and aromanticism than I do. At the end of the day though, if the feelings are not there then they are not there and no amount of dating, romantic dinners, sex or anything else will produce them, but I guess you are simply trying to be open to the possibility. Some of us can work out our sexuality without trying stuff out, but there are those of us who work stuff out better through experience. I really think the majority of people learn about relationships and their sexuality through experience rather than through anything else. I am not suggesting that you mess people about in relationships or anything like that, but you need to work our whether or not you are aromantic in your own way, and maybe for you that means trying out dating. I wouldn't suggest escorts I have to say. Lots of people do try different types of dating, like speed dating for example - that way, the people who are there are all there for the same reason - not that I have ever tried it, but it just comes to mind. As I say, I don't regret that I tried dating and I certainly learn't a lot. I learn't not to say I love you when I don't mean it - which has actually meant that my Best Friend of over 10 years (who had romantic feelings for me) is still my Best Friend and Soul Mate even today. I admire your emotional openness for wanting to explore this and hope that it goes well (whatever goes well happens to mean). If you want any advice or want a rant about it at all, you know where we are. Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I suggest the shotgun approach: try to meet as many new people as you can, and this doesn't necessarily have to be done through dating. There is a chance that you may be attracted to someone eventually. I'm aromantic as well, and only got my first crush at 26. It was more like an inexplicable urge to get to know this person better rather than sexual attraction. Just be ready for life to give you the middle finger, because there's always the possibility that a crush will be inappropriate (eg, he's married, he's seeing someone else, he's a member of faculty and you're an undergrad, etc.) Let's just say I'm glad I only get crushes once every 27 years <_< Link to post Share on other sites
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