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"If not with him/her I'm not interested in a relationship" Can you relate?


toujours

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Here's the thing: I have fell in love many times in my life. I have had my heart broken many times in my life, and never have been in a relationship.

I think that this is because when I am in love, the thing I want most in the whole Universe is to be in a relationship with that person. On the other hand, when I am NOT in love, relationships lack interest to me, I don't want to "meet people" or "date" (so, casual dating is just out of the question) cause if I fancy nobody, I don't fancy being involved with anybody and just want to be left alone (which is not always easy, as there are sometimes unrequited suitors :P ).

In general, the idea of being alone in life is not bad, as long as I am not in love with anyone. A terrible idea, however, is to be alone while the object of my affection is with somebody else (which has happened quite a few times).

I feel I sometimes don't make sense :P

Is this being demiromantic? Can anyone relate?

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A person who is demi- romantic is sexually attracted only to person s/he is in romantic relationship with.

I'm not sure how to call it, I would say you just have 'crushes' and that you are a person who just doesn't seek relationship but if the occasion occurs- takes that chance.

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A person who is demi- romantic is sexually attracted only to person s/he is in romantic relationship with.

Isn't that a demisexual?

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metalgirl2045

I've never seen the "must be in a relationship" thing in the original suggestions of demisexual and demiromatic, other people have just assumed those later.

Anyway, yes, can totally relate, that's exactly what I'm like too. I have started recently seeing the advantage of looking for partners I could fall in love with, but only to avoid the never-ending unrequited love situations. I still find the thought of active partner-hunting as appealing as homework and household chores though!

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A person who is demi- romantic is sexually attracted only to person s/he is in romantic relationship with.

Isn't that a demisexual?

I saw those terms used as interchangeable, so I think they mean the same thing. I was using 'demi- romantic' for long time so it's still my habit, even after 'demi- romantic' was replaced by 'demi- sexual' on AVENwiki (but I think demi- sexual is more accurate).

I know how you feel but I'm not sure if there's a term that could describe this 'i don't seek a relationship but if I'm gonna have one, it has to be with HIM' behaviour.

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Lol, I've been calling myself demiromantic for a while now :)

I can totally relate. If there's someone I like beyond just a crush (which is extremely rare in itself, only happened once so far) I wouldn't mind being in a relationship. If not, then I am just not interested in dating (to try and find someone who I can be interested in)...at all.

Crushes and people I find aesthetically pleasing have happened, but they're just people I'd admire from afar. I feel no drive to "get to know them" in hopes of a relationship. I've only ever experienced feelings of liking someone after getting to know them for a long time - and it was because the other person kept wanting to know me. If they didn't take the initiative, I wouldn't have developed any feelings beyond neutral (which is my default for everyone I meet. I'm incapable of immediately liking someone/feeling an urge to get to know someone purely based on first impressions like their appearance and whether or not they are "hot". I'm just not wired that way.)

There have been periods over the past year when my feelings for said person felt really strong...and honestly the emotions were like a rollercoaster ride. However when I don't like anyone, which is most of the time, I feel really aromantic and don't mind being single one bit...in fact I prefer it.

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If not with him/her I'm not interested in a relationship

I hope that was never said to a partener/ex partner..it would sound like emotional blackmail

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If not with him/her I'm not interested in a relationship

I hope that was never said to a partener/ex partner..it would sound like emotional blackmail

Why?

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okay your in a relationship..it's starting to hit the fan and a break up is immenent and one partner says

"If I can't have a relationship with you then I'm not interested in a relationship" emotional blackmail it would be seen as

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okay your in a relationship..it's starting to hit the fan and a break up is immenent and one partner says

"If I can't have a relationship with you then I'm not interested in a relationship" emotional blackmail it would be seen as

Again, why? What is so bad about not being interested in a relationship? Is not AT ALL like I'm saying I will commit suicide! That is precisely the point: being single is not the end of the world!

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Okay there are two different ways to this

if as your breaking up with someone and you say this it sounds like a desperate plea and as such emotional blackmail

if your saying it to yourself or a friend then it removes the other party and becomes a feeling/comment about your situation

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Okay there are two different ways to this

if as your breaking up with someone and you say this it sounds like a desperate plea and as such emotional blackmail

if your saying it to yourself or a friend then it removes the other party and becomes a feeling/comment about your situation

Ok, I see your point. However, in order to be blackmail material, it assumes the partner considers singleness as something close to suicide :P

Then no, never said at a breaking up situation, provided I have never been in a relationship that could be broken up in the first place LOL.

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thecynicalromantic
Ok, I see your point. However, in order to be blackmail material, it assumes the partner considers singleness as something close to suicide :P

No wonder the hypothetical sayer is breaking up with them. o.O

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metalgirl2045

Why on earth do you think it's emotional blackmail being said to a partner when the context is on a message board about sexuality where people discuss (nearly always with people they're not in relationships with) their situations a lot? Are we not allowed to talk about not being sexually attracted to partners either because it's offensive to the partner and saying they're ugly to make them feel bad? The question was "can anyone relate" not "I said those exact words to my partner, gave no context, and they reacted badly. Why?"

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I feel you. I've felt exactly the same way. Although, I've only felt it for one person, and am not quite sure I'm "over" that person yet...

But as you said, that person is the only person I'd consider a relationship with at the moment. In the absence of him, I prefer to be alone. In fact, since he's not around anymore, I've noticed a significant drop in how social I am... without him to draw me into the public, I prefer to just stay home and read a book or something. Not that I'm depressed - no, I'm actually happier that way. No more crazy emotions! :D

I'm hoping that this doesn't happen very often. It's horrible. I'd rather be blissfully alone.

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It can apparently be considered emotional blackmail because there are people who interpret it as a guilt trip--along the lines of "Without you, there's just no point. I'm not going to bother anymore. I'm going to intentionally subject myself to misery, so you've effectively ruined my life."

Obviously that isn't necessarily how it's intended, particularly if you genuinely aren't interested in actively seeking out another relationship, so it's important to clarify exactly what you mean and express the sentiment without sounding bitter or hostile about it. My own ex managed to misinterpret that very thing when I was trying to convey my general aromanticism and desire to avoid relationships in the future, and promptly assumed I was just being passive aggressive. There are definitely people who wholeheartedly believe it just isn't possible to be happy if you're single or will readily jump to conclusions about things like that.

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metalgirl2045

But the OP made no suggestion that it was something to be said to a partner. And anyway, I don't think "not interested in a relationship" in any way implies emotional blackmail or there being no point to life, sure, people can massively misinterpret things but a mentally ill person could interpret "I'm going to the shops, see you later" as "I'm going to get a gun and murder you when you get back but pretending to go to the shops so you don't call the police", there comes a point where the misinterpretation is certainly not the fault of the person who said the line. I think confusing demiromanticism with emotional blackmail is way beyond that line.

"I refuse to be with anyone but you" is more open to that interpretation.

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Putting aside the blackmail issue, I was thinking about two things that could be taken as demiromanticism:

1. You only fall in love with people that are already emotionally close to you.

2. You only want a relationship with people you are in love with.

Personally, I have experienced a little bit of both, but not entirely neither.

For example, I have had instant crushes, i.e. love at first sight feelings, but it has been more of an aesthetic attraction. I have only fallen in love, however, with people I already know and have had some emotional exchange (i.e. friendship).

On the other side, I have found myself wanting to know more about an instant crush, get closer to them. I have only wanted a relationship, however, with people I am in love with.

So... what do you think of 1. and 2.? Which one would you say describes demiromanticism better?

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metalgirl2045

I would say that demiromanticism, like demisexuality, is extremely hard to define. We can provide defintions to give an idea of what it is, 1 and 2 both do that quite well but neither totally encapsulate it. I can't remember what the username, title or approximate date was but I remember someone posting the story of their life and it was one of the most demisexual things I've ever read, yet it didn't fit any of the definitions I've ever seen at all. Even the ones I agree with as being very good.

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Yep I can relate. Falling in love, wanting a relationship with the very same person. So trying to get to know her and finally being disappointed as you find out that she's taken or not interested in a relationship at all. So it will fade away in a couple of months and my emotional equilibrium once again is re-established. Well falling in love didn't happen so often so far. So I have a question. Should I do the chores, the homework to acquire skills? If I should how exactly am I supposed to motivate myself?

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MissBiochemistry

I can totally relate. I feel just like that! When I have a crush on somebody, I want a relationship with them and also sex. When I don't have a crush, I'm very happy to be single and I don't like the idea of having sex. I guess I'm both demiromantic and demisexual then. Maybe I could say I'm not interested in sex and relationships in general and with anybody, and I'm not trying to find a boyfriend, but when I meet a suitable person, everything changes.

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I can relate. If I want a relationship with someone, it'll be because I want a relationship with them, not because I just want to be in a relationship.

As for those definitions above... 2 sounds most like what the topic's describing, but I think both apply to me to some extent.

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Guest Heligan
Here's the thing: I have fell in love many times in my life. I have had my heart broken many times in my life, and never have been in a relationship.

I think that this is because when I am in love, the thing I want most in the whole Universe is to be in a relationship with that person. On the other hand, when I am NOT in love, relationships lack interest to me, I don't want to "meet people" or "date" (so, casual dating is just out of the question) cause if I fancy nobody, I don't fancy being involved with anybody and just want to be left alone (which is not always easy, as there are sometimes unrequited suitors :P ).

In general, the idea of being alone in life is not bad, as long as I am not in love with anyone. A terrible idea, however, is to be alone while the object of my affection is with somebody else (which has happened quite a few times).

I feel I sometimes don't make sense :P

Is this being demiromantic? Can anyone relate?

I relate, apart from the object of my affection being with someone else; this kinda makes me feel 'off the hook', 'problem solved'... so there is relief to it (especially since I became asexual rather than demisexual- with all the relationship hurdles that involves).

Losing the person altogether is what really upsets me, either due to jealous spouse or to death etc... I take quite a time coming to terms with people I love not being in my life anymore (its easier if they choose it, rather than had the choice made for them- they become unworthy somehow then, death is the hardest because its total loss that wasnt choosen) - though sadly practice seems to be making this easier all the time.

It can apparently be considered emotional blackmail because there are people who interpret it as a guilt trip--along the lines of "Without you, there's just no point. I'm not going to bother anymore. I'm going to intentionally subject myself to misery, so you've effectively ruined my life."

Obviously that isn't necessarily how it's intended, particularly if you genuinely aren't interested in actively seeking out another relationship, so it's important to clarify exactly what you mean and express the sentiment without sounding bitter or hostile about it. My own ex managed to misinterpret that very thing when I was trying to convey my general aromanticism and desire to avoid relationships in the future, and promptly assumed I was just being passive aggressive. There are definitely people who wholeheartedly believe it just isn't possible to be happy if you're single or will readily jump to conclusions about things like that.

Unfortunately the conclusion jumpers are everywhere... and generally there is no point trying to explain to them LOL

I dont think there is any need to mention the demiromantic thing at all, the fact you want to be with someone should be enough (shouldnt it). When you discuss you histories it should become apparent that you dont hop from one relationship to another; this implies that you dont see being single as bad (or I suppose that you have trouble getting together with people).

I used to say things like 'There are worse things than being single', 'I always have big gaps between relationships', to explain my lack of dependency on being with someone else. I find those that cant seem to be alone for two seconds quite pathetic to be honest, I just dont get why you would put in all the effort required unless you were really really bothered...its so much easier to be single. (so I dont think I would want to be with anyone with that mindset anyway- I would feel like I was just with them because I was passing at the right moment)

With me its more of a 'damn, now you have made me want a relationship- here we go again- this is bound to end in disaster' rather than 'thank god you came along and made me feel again, there was no meaning to my life before'.

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tinkerboi

Are we talking a relationship that involves sex?

I've felt jealous of someone in a sexual relationship but it makes no sense because I don't want sex with them.

My answer is no because I don't want sex.

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Are we talking a relationship that involves sex?

I've felt jealous of someone in a sexual relationship but it makes no sense because I don't want sex with them.

My answer is no because I don't want sex.

No, we're not talking necessaryly about sex.

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Guest Heligan
Here's the thing: I have fell in love many times in my life. I have had my heart broken many times in my life, and never have been in a relationship.

Thinking about this point just now, this doesnt really apply to me...Im far more selective about who I love and who gets to break me (pretty much only love can break me).

...... but then I guess it depends what you mean by 'in love', I would say Ive only been in love two (maybe three) times (with people that I was in relationships with, though the latter case was more 'courtly love'- which, for me, makes it kind of quasi-love that cant break me). Ive been romantically involved a handful of times to some extent or other, enough to trigger sexual attraction (not all of these ended in up involving sex).

Generally for me to be emotionally involved I have to have some sort of reciprocation, if not there is just no point so I dont bother (the only times this doesnt seem to apply is if the person is dead-- then I seem to be able to carry on indefinately on my own- great eh!)

I certainly agree that there is a concept here worth exploring, not sure if demiromantic is entirely the correct name for it though- might cause more confusion with demisexual.

What you are trying to define seems like the exact opposite of the serial-monogamist.

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metalgirl2045
Generally for me to be emotionally involved I have to have some sort of reciprocation, if not there is just no point so I dont bother (the only times this doesnt seem to apply is if the person is dead-- then I seem to be able to carry on indefinately on my own- great eh!)

There being no point doesn't mean you can switch it off. I wish it didn't happen, but the way I work mean it does. There's no point in loosing your job, getting flu, you computer breaking down but just because they're pointless doesn't mean you can just stop them ever happening on those grounds.

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What you are trying to define seems like the exact opposite of the serial-monogamist.
What's that? LOL :P
Generally for me to be emotionally involved I have to have some sort of reciprocation, if not there is just no point so I dont bother (the only times this doesnt seem to apply is if the person is dead-- then I seem to be able to carry on indefinately on my own- great eh!)

There being no point doesn't mean you can switch it off. I wish it didn't happen, but the way I work mean it does. There's no point in loosing your job, getting flu, you computer breaking down but just because they're pointless doesn't mean you can just stop them ever happening on those grounds.

EXACTLY!!!

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