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Show me an asexual/sexual partnership with NO SEX


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I would like to see if this actually exists.

A sexual and asexual paired up where the asexual never has sex with the sexual and the sexual still has a loving relationship with the person.

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The Great WTF

I've spoken to the members of three-way relationship where one of them is asexual and thus does not of sex with the other two. They've been together for five years and all three of them are very loving and affectionate.

Other than that, I can't say I've ever come across one that's lasted long-term. Most involve some kind of compromise at some point. My partner says he'd be okay if we stop having sex, but I have no doubt it's just his way of trying to make me feel better.

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Vampyremage

Personally I think it would be exceptionally rare to work in the long term, if its possible at all. I could see it maybe working in two possible ways. First, some sort of open or poly relationship in which the sexual is able to have sex elsewhere. Second, I could see it "working" at the expense of the happiness or contentedness of the sexual partner. Overall, I don't think it would be fair at all to expect one's sexual partner to give up everything in the sexual realm without any compromise at all.

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I've spoken to the members of three-way relationship where one of them is asexual and thus does not of sex with the other two. They've been together for five years and all three of them are very loving and affectionate.

Other than that, I can't say I've ever come across one that's lasted long-term. Most involve some kind of compromise at some point. My partner says he'd be okay if we stop having sex, but I have no doubt it's just his way of trying to make me feel better.

I thought of this kind of arrangement as a valid option, but it is still a compromise...

You have to share your partner with someone if you want to keep them...I would be ok with it, but it is not very appealing just because I can't give him/her what the other partner can give him/her...which makes me feel a bit inferior. :(

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The Great WTF

Personally I think it would be exceptionally rare to work in the long term, if its possible at all. I could see it maybe working in two possible ways. First, some sort of open or poly relationship in which the sexual is able to have sex elsewhere. Second, I could see it "working" at the expense of the happiness or contentedness of the sexual partner. Overall, I don't think it would be fair at all to expect one's sexual partner to give up everything in the sexual realm without any compromise at all.

Agreed. I don't think the second would be a healthy formula at all, either. Sex has a lot of emotional components for some people and asking them to suppress that desire can be potentially damaging. I imagine a lot of building up of guilt or resentment unless there is a lot of open and honest conversation.

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The Great WTF

I've spoken to the members of three-way relationship where one of them is asexual and thus does not of sex with the other two. They've been together for five years and all three of them are very loving and affectionate.

Other than that, I can't say I've ever come across one that's lasted long-term. Most involve some kind of compromise at some point. My partner says he'd be okay if we stop having sex, but I have no doubt it's just his way of trying to make me feel better.

I thought of this kind of arrangement as a valid option, but it is still a compromise...

You have to share your partner with someone if you want to keep them...I would be ok with it, but it is not very appealing just because I can't give him/her what the other partner can give him/her...which makes me feel a bit inferior. :(

It's certainly not for everyone. Unfortunately, all relationships require a measure of compromise, be they sexual, emotional, or just what kind of sheets you put on the bed. Also, I think it helps to remember no couple shares everything. Most have separate hobbies they enjoy with friends. I tend to look at sex as one of those hobbies.

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gilnokoibito

I've been in one for 6 years!

How it's worked this long...I'm really not sure...but other than a few instances of explanations and some time for him to accept that I was asexual...it's mostly gone quite well until now.

But lately...it's not working out as much as it used to...over the past few months I've realized I'm aromantic...and it's getting really hard to still keep things together now (not saying we really shared physical stuff much before anyway...I've never liked hugs or anything and he knew that...it's just...changing somehow lately..for me anyway...he still seems just fine.)

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Show you? Okay. Here's a picture:

166022_10151823965385327_539500679_n.jpg

We've been together for six and a half years. Neither of us have had sex. Hope this is satisfactory.

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The Great WTF

Gilno, Ravako, mind if I pick your brains for a minute? (How the hell did you guys get past my radar, anyway? I thought I knew about most of AVEN's mixed couples.) I really have never come across a successful mixed relationship before. What do ypur partners think of the whole thing? I'm guessing they know you're asexual, or do they think you might change your mind down the road?

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My partner says they would never have sex with me unless I felt completely comfortable/willing, because it's more about my enjoyment that gets them "going" than the actual sex. Basically, we enjoy the intimacy we have, but sex/intimacy isn't what binds us. We love each other as people, company, and conversationalists. Our relationship is built upon companionship, and seasoned with intimacy.

I'm not exaggerating when I say, even in high school, we were told we resembled an "old married couple."

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The Great WTF

My partner says they would never have sex with me unless I felt completely comfortable/willing, because it's more about my enjoyment that gets them "going" than the actual sex. Basically, we enjoy the intimacy we have, but sex/intimacy isn't what binds us. We love each other as people, company, and conversationalists. Our relationship is built upon companionship, and seasoned with intimacy.

I'm not exaggerating when I say, even in high school, we were told we resembled an "old married couple."

That's wonderful! You're extremely lucky and he sounds wonderful.

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neverafraidtokeeponliving

I tried it and my partner was miserable (as hard as he tried to convince me he wasn't) and I was miserable because I always felt obligated to do things to try to satisfy him (Most of it was simple stuff like dressing "sexy" which made me really uncomfortabe). It was this constant pressure on me to do something sexual and eventually I would cave (not getting into gory details here) and give him something. Neither of us were happy. But at the same time we were so in love that we were happy and this worked for over a year.

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gilnokoibito

Gilno, Ravako, mind if I pick your brains for a minute? (How the hell did you guys get past my radar, anyway? I thought I knew about most of AVEN's mixed couples.) I really have never come across a successful mixed relationship before. What do ypur partners think of the whole thing? I'm guessing they know you're asexual, or do they think you might change your mind down the road?

To be honest, when I first told my bf...he listened but was kind of in denial for a long time. Every time it got brought up it was "I know what you're saying, but I just think you're afraid of intimacy" or "You may be right, but I don't think you're really much like those people as you think, you should stop labeling yourself". Then sometime later it was the, "Well, if we EVER have sex..." and then finally "I know we're probably never gonna have sex but..." sort of thing.

But like I said, lately it's getting harder for me...even though he knows I don't like hugs and all that and doesn't normally do or ask for such things (because he knows I'll freak out) it's just getting more difficult somehow... I've come to the realization that I don't feel love like he does and that's causing some problems on my end.

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The Great WTF

Gilno, Ravako, mind if I pick your brains for a minute? (How the hell did you guys get past my radar, anyway? I thought I knew about most of AVEN's mixed couples.) I really have never come across a successful mixed relationship before. What do ypur partners think of the whole thing? I'm guessing they know you're asexual, or do they think you might change your mind down the road?

To be honest, when I first told my bf...he listened but was kind of in denial for a long time. Every time it got brought up it was "I know what you're saying, but I just think you're afraid of intimacy" or "You may be right, but I don't think you're really much like those people as you think, you should stop labeling yourself". Then sometime later it was the, "Well, if we EVER have sex..." and then finally "I know we're probably never gonna have sex but..." sort of thing.

But like I said, lately it's getting harder for me...even though he knows I don't like hugs and all that and doesn't normally do or ask for such things (because he knows I'll freak out) it's just getting more difficult somehow... I've come to the realization that I don't feel love like he does and that's causing some problems on my end.

I can understand that. One of the weird quirks I'm dealing with in my own relationship is my ability to walk away. As much as I love and care for him, it still unnerves me when I realize I could just walk out of his life whenever I want to and I wouldn't be all that phased by it. I feel like I should be more attached, like I should need to be with him more than that.

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I'm not sure if it's my place to say this or not, but it's made public on the forums, so... Sexualwithasexual is a sexual in a very long partnership with an asexual (I want to say 15ish years) and they don't have sex.

Ravako, I feel similarly to your boyfriend... it's at least as much their enjoyment that gets me off as it is the physical sensations. Sex is very mental for me. That being said, f my partner came home and said "no more sex!", I'd request an open relationship.

I can understand that. One of the weird quirks I'm dealing with in my own relationship is my ability to walk away. As much as I love and care for him, it still unnerves me when I realize I could just walk out of his life whenever I want to and I wouldn't be all that phased by it. I feel like I should be more attached, like I should need to be with him more than that.

My partner is the same. I think she'd be bummed for a minute, but even now every time we fight she's like "so you wanna break up?" like it's the easiest question in the world, like she's asking me if I'd like another cube of ice in my drink. It's unnerving!

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The Great WTF

I'm not sure if it's my place to say this or not, but it's made public on the forums, so... Sexualwithasexual is a sexual in a very long partnership with an asexual (I want to say 15ish years) and they don't have sex.

Huh. I thought they were one of the compromise couples for some reason.

My partner is the same. I think she'd be bummed for a minute, but even now every time we fight she's like "so you wanna break up?" like it's the easiest question in the world, like she's asking me if I'd like another cube of ice in my drink. It's unnerving!

I've normally got the common sense not to say things like that in front of Gin unless I REALLY want him to do something (like get us moved into our own place <_<) because I can see that it visibly upsets him. I've got no desire to leave him and I can't think of many things that would make me want to, nothing that would make me want to leave permanently, but for whatever reason I'm more comfortable with leaving than I probably should be and that, understandably, bothers him.

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

I can do you one better - a sexual/sexual relationship with no sex. My sister and her boyfriend (to my knowledge - and being honest, she'd have told me if it were otherwise), and they've been going for two and a half years now.

Plus, I'm pretty sure my relationship with my boy would have been like this if I were asexual - instead, being demi, I totally don't mind the sex bit.

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I can do you one better - a sexual/sexual relationship with no sex. My sister and her boyfriend (to my knowledge - and being honest, she'd have told me if it were otherwise), and they've been going for two and a half years now.

But do you just mean no penetrative sex? Because I think the OP had more of a no sexual activity of any kind thing in mind...

I've normally got the common sense not to say things like that in front of Gin unless I REALLY want him to do something (like get us moved into our own place <_<) because I can see that it visibly upsets him. I've got no desire to leave him and I can't think of many things that would make me want to, nothing that would make me want to leave permanently, but for whatever reason I'm more comfortable with leaving than I probably should be and that, understandably, bothers him.

I think it's enviable. I'd love to not be a pile of mush after breakups!

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Notte stellata

it's at least as much their enjoyment that gets me off as it is the physical sensations. Sex is very mental for me. That being said, f my partner came home and said "no more sex!", I'd request an open relationship.

My partner is the same. If I didn't enjoy sex at all, he wouldn't stay with me even if I was willing to compromise. We're polyamorous, but if I refused to have sex ever again, it would still be very hard for him, even though he's free to have other partners.

I'm not sure if it's my place to say this or not, but it's made public on the forums, so... Sexualwithasexual is a sexual in a very long partnership with an asexual (I want to say 15ish years) and they don't have sex.

Huh. I thought they were one of the compromise couples for some reason.

I remember she said their relationship was sexless, but my impression is they had sex before, but recently stopped it. My memory could be wrong though.

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An asexual in a relationship with a sexual, that involves no sex, wouldn't that be a compromise on the part of the sexual? Why do so many people negate that compromise?

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The Great WTF

An asexual in a relationship with a sexual, that involves no sex, wouldn't that be a compromise on the part of the sexual? Why do so many people negate that compromise?

Because it's a compromise not many sexuals can make.

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An asexual in a relationship with a sexual, that involves no sex, wouldn't that be a compromise on the part of the sexual? Why do so many people negate that compromise?

Because it's frequently assumed that it's easier for sexuals to not have sex than it is for asexuals to have sex. I think it depends on the people involved. For some sexuals, it's manageable, for others it's not, and the same for the aces.

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An asexual in a relationship with a sexual, that involves no sex, wouldn't that be a compromise on the part of the sexual? Why do so many people negate that compromise?

Because it's frequently assumed that it's easier for sexuals to not have sex than it is for asexuals to have sex. I think it depends on the people involved. For some sexuals, it's manageable, for others it's not, and the same for the aces.

Agreed. I think a high sex drive/repulsed ace would be a very difficult combination to sustain because the amount that either would have to concede would be immense — whichever way that scale tilted.

Also, while I'm sure there are a lot of sexuals out there who could do "open" or "friends with benefits" to satisfy the other urges — someone here mentioned sex being seen as a hobby, which was fascinating to me — a lot of us sexuals find sex most satisfying if it's tied very closely with intellectual and mental connections as well. That's when you end up in polyamorusesque territory where I currently reside.

Something the asexual wife in my dynamic said the other day that really struck me is that to her those intimate sexualized moments (we have/had a compromise situation) have more meaning to her because they are a conscious choice to show her affection and love, a choice to share something with me specifically. I hadn't thought of it like that before.

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The Great WTF

An asexual in a relationship with a sexual, that involves no sex, wouldn't that be a compromise on the part of the sexual? Why do so many people negate that compromise?

Because it's frequently assumed that it's easier for sexuals to not have sex than it is for asexuals to have sex. I think it depends on the people involved. For some sexuals, it's manageable, for others it's not, and the same for the aces.

Agreed. I think a high sex drive/repulsed ace would be a very difficult combination to sustain because the amount that either would have to concede would be immense — whichever way that scale tilted.

Also, while I'm sure there are a lot of sexuals out there who could do "open" or "friends with benefits" to satisfy the other urges — someone here mentioned sex being seen as a hobby, which was fascinating to me — a lot of us sexuals find sex most satisfying if it's tied very closely with intellectual and mental connections as well. That's when you end up in polyamorusesque territory where I currently reside.

Something that my asexual said the other day that really struck me is that to her those intimate sexualized moments (we have/had a compromise situation) have more meaning to her because they are a conscious choice to show her affection and love, a choice to share something with me specifically. I hadn't thought of it like that before.

That was me that mentioned sex as a hobby. :P For me and my partner, it really is more of a hobby than something intimate. Having sex with the person he loves IS something special and intimate, but not on the level of desire and need I've seen in other couples, more like the sense of added bonus you'd get from sharing something you love with someone very special.

I can definely get what your partner is saying about those moments being more meaningful. To many sexuals, the idea of having sex with someone you love is fairly basic and natural, the complete opposite of asexuality. To those who DO compromise and have sex, it is often an active and very meaningful decision. It means a lot to me, specifically, to be able to do something so special for my partner.

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Javabluepen

Okay so I read this thread, and joined this forum for the soul purpose of finding out the answer to this tread here. Can a sexual/asexual relationship work without sex. I'm the sexual, only there is a larger curve ball in my situation and it is one that I don't think anyone has brought up. At pridefest this year I was sitting in an organizational booth and shooting the breeze with some people like me. I'm a transman pre-op, pre-hormone. The transwoman I was sitting with was trying to explain that there is a lot of misunderstanding going around in the LGBT community as to the details of what each of us are and are not. She gave the example that people have this preconceived notion that asexuals do not form relationships..yaddah..yaddah..yaddah. What she said then stuck with me. But now I woke up 48 hours after I heard what she said and was like wait a minute here...

-Okay here's the thing I have never had sexual relations with my partner, I have never had sexual relations, and to be honest I have never had a partner.

-As for dating I was set on arranged date, and twice met in a living room with a guy and talked him. That's it.

-It was hard to form relationships with anyone because I didn't know who or what I was.

-When I finally realized the actual sex I was attracted to..well things were still off kilter because I realized gee the images flying through my head were incongruous with my life situation. (Ie: the only way I was capable of finding pleasure was to picture myself as the person I am on the inside. But playing this mind-game would leave me emotionally put-out because it affirmed that there is a reality split between who I am in my soul and who I am in body.)

-At this point in my life, and for who know how long, with even masturbating is emotionally draining, I can't even imagine what would happen if I did have sexual intercourse with a person....(and I REALLY don't want to find out!)

Just like an asexual person I have a longing for companionship with a person. I have a need for emotional attachment. (I think I'm crying..)I don't want to live my life alone. I was in tears bawling my eyes two weeks ago because I felt hopeless; who the heck would look at my situation and be like yeah that's 100% cool we can wait to have sex until when, possibly never, the "right-parts to come in the mail."

As I said I am sexual. I have a sexual orientation. I have sexual urges. I even have sex dreams. Yet, in my heart of hearts I seriously have doubts about my ability to have sexual intimacy with a person without completely emotional anguish. :(

I want a relationship, and I don't want to go on to my death bed having never had a companionship/relationship with anyone. I just didn't know where to look or turn to.

So is it possible, especially in the situation I am presented with, for a sexual/asexual relationship to exist with no sex? :blush:

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Welcome Java :cake:

Just wanted to say your post really moved me. I'm not trans but I understand the feeling of hopelessness, in never being able to find a meaningful relationship.

But as folks have said here, a sexual/asexual relationship with no sex basically puts the entire burden on the sexual, to tolerate the lack of sex. And if you're the sexual, and you're able to tolerate not having sex (because that reality is forced upon you anyway)... It seems to me it could work?!

I think it's very possible, and worth a try at any rate! *hugs*

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The Great WTF

Your circumstances are quite unique, Java, so my normal advice would be somewhat useless. The situation you're in is difficult, but I doubt it's impossible. Couples hold off on having sex until marriage all the time, after all, so it's not that inconceivable for someone to be willing to wait until their partner finishes transitioning.

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sexualwithasexual

Gilno, Ravako, mind if I pick your brains for a minute? (How the hell did you guys get past my radar, anyway? I thought I knew about most of AVEN's mixed couples.) I really have never come across a successful mixed relationship before. What do ypur partners think of the whole thing? I'm guessing they know you're asexual, or do they think you might change your mind down the road?

To be honest, when I first told my bf...he listened but was kind of in denial for a long time. Every time it got brought up it was "I know what you're saying, but I just think you're afraid of intimacy" or "You may be right, but I don't think you're really much like those people as you think, you should stop labeling yourself". Then sometime later it was the, "Well, if we EVER have sex..." and then finally "I know we're probably never gonna have sex but..." sort of thing.

But like I said, lately it's getting harder for me...even though he knows I don't like hugs and all that and doesn't normally do or ask for such things (because he knows I'll freak out) it's just getting more difficult somehow... I've come to the realization that I don't feel love like he does and that's causing some problems on my end.

I can understand that. One of the weird quirks I'm dealing with in my own relationship is my ability to walk away. As much as I love and care for him, it still unnerves me when I realize I could just walk out of his life whenever I want to and I wouldn't be all that phased by it. I feel like I should be more attached, like I should need to be with him more than that.

This is true of my partner too, I think. It seems like it. She's offered to break up more than I have, and seemingly with less emotion. But she's just like WTF. She has no compelling reason to leave. Ravako, I wanna know more about why you're upset at the current situation. If your partner is fine, what's happening for you?

For the record, I've been with my partner for 17 years! The last 5 years or so (I'm not really counting) have been sexless. I can't decide if that's a compromise. I guess. To me it's just one of the things we don't have in common. But I guess sex is significantly more important than just another hobby. I also think she's pretty aromantic, (especially after reading the above quotes). But she loves me dearly and I really do admire her and find comfort in her company. I too am envious and admiring of her ability to be less "attached" actually. I tell her her lack of attachment is very Buddhist. She thinks that's hilarious. There are a few funny physical things she does that she's done to me since we first started dating and those gestures are now HUGELY important to me! They are the ones I know she enjoys delivering. She'll allow hugs, but it's clearly my idea. I would like to try (again) to have an open situation with rules. Rain Girl has successfully tried this out in her relationship, and I think at some point my relationship will be able to handle it.

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Ravako, I wanna know more about why you're upset at the current situation. If your partner is fine, what's happening for you?

May want to double check who you're referring to. ;)

On the topic, I have asked my boyfriend in the past (before I knew about asexuality) if sex was a make or break thing for him in a relationship and he looked at me like I was insane. Pretty much, that's where we sit today.

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chelseagirl84

I would like to see if this actually exists.

A sexual and asexual paired up where the asexual never has sex with the sexual and the sexual still has a loving relationship with the person.

My relationship with my current bf. We were together for a year, separated for two years, and then got back together last year, and our relationship is great. My only complaint is that we don't get to see each other that often (he has to work a lot). It's probably the best relationship I've ever had, and we don't have sex. I'm just waiting for him to propose.

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