some things

• trust in each other, such as
• sharing feelings
• sharing stressors from the day
• opening up about oneself
• having someone who cares about you know about what's going on
• answering "how was your day" honestly and openly
• aka no need to fix these things - just sharing and empathy and emotional support
• general life intimacy - opening up about your past
• sharing your joys and woes
• talking about the future
• sharing hobby thoughts even if the other part doesn't share the hoby
• dreams
• wishes
• goals
• successes
• hopes
• concerns
• spending time together:
• theme park
• mini golf or other casual sports - pool, bowling, etc
• dates - and for an aro, simply framing it as a platonic outing can still fulfill one's romantic needs without placing pressure on the aro
• enjoying other entertainments like movies, plays, opera, museums, 
• physical, non-sexual affection
• hugs
• maybe kisses if they like it
• soft, gentle touch 
• cuddling
• could just be sitting close enough that you touch naturally while watching a show or whatever
• or just more involved cuddle on the sofa while doing so
• shared space - being near to each other while cooling off from the day or doing a hobby
• talking about your hobby with your partner
• acts of care
• cooking for each other a nice meal
• gift-giving
• helping with errands/appointments/stuff like that
• like, just driving and riding together idk - like giving them a ride to something stressful can mean a lot for some folks (like me)

so those are what I can think of... anyone else have ideas? I hope my list isn't exhaustive and there's more to do together to affirm care and love and stuff like that - to be a partner without need for more than just being together. no need for sex, and if for aro folk, no need for romance too. 

sorry if this isnt the right place to go to ask this

I have a friend who I've known since we were children, and we're both on the aromantic spectrum. We lost touch for a while but have been friends again for about two years now. I really enjoy hanging out with them and I generally have a really good time when I'm with them, and it feels like we can talk about basically anything with each other. (At least, that's how I feel. They seem to feel the same way but I am unsure.)

Now, I really want to hold their hand or kiss him sometimes. I have also had multiple dreams about us living together or getting married and growing old together  (we are in our super early twenties) or just having crazy adventures, and I liked the dreams very much. Which is to say, I am unsure if I want to platonically (in a qpr, perhaps?) be with my friend or romantically be with her. Which comes to my next problem as well.

Once I figure out if I want to be with him platonically or romantically or somewhere in between, how do I pose the question in a way that will be easily answerable by someone who is recipromantic (someone who only feels romantic feelings after they know the other person feels that way about them)? And also I want to make it very clear that they can turn me down if they don't feel the same way. I value her friendship more than I want to be in some sort of entanglement. I realised I felt some sort of way about this friend in March and have been trying to figure out what to do.

I have also never been in any sort of relationship before, I have no experience with this sort of thing. Also, the reason we lost touch when we were 12 is because they asked me out and we grew a bit apart after that. I don't want to lose them again so I want to make it clear that if they don't wish to be in a relationship with me, I would love to stay friends. Please give me any advice you have.

Thank you,

WildRoses

Apologies if this is not how one is meant to participate in a forum. I shall endeavor to make a stronger topic in the future.

I guess i'm asking for advice on what to do? I've cried a lot several seperate times about this and I'd really like some help. 

Post a reply if you want to participate. Just do it, no need to feel weird about it. Also, be sure to send messages and not just receive.

That's it. Have fun!

My husband and I have been together for about 10 years. Our relationship started out very sexual, which was due to his naturally high drive and a large amount of PTSD on my part. For years, I completely lied to myself about whom I was, my wants and needs, and what I sought in a partner. He finally managed a few years ago to love me into submission, and I stopped lying and took a real personal inventory. This is when I figured out and admitted that I'm not just aroace but also categorically repulsed by anything sexual - even the fact that mouths exist and can be inflicted on me. I look away from romantic scenes in movies, and I have to steel myself or else I'll flinch when he kisses me. We have tried planning encounters, letting me take charge or set the pace, and porn featuring women who resemble me; nothing helps because I can't make my face look unafraid. To be clear, I am repulsed by sexuality, NOT by him. (I am also trans, but I don't present, and I trust when he has said that confirmation wouldn't harm our relationship.)

This has driven a massive wedge between us, and it is the only real impediment to our emotional intimacy. I love this man entirely, but the love is neither romantic nor sexual, and I am incapable of putting the toothpaste back into the tube. We mutually want to spend our lives together. The sexual aspect, though, is a serious roadblock, and I've figured out the hard way that forcing myself to perform makes it harder to do so. I don't want either of us to resent each other, but he has legitimate needs that I can't fulfill. There have been conversations we should be able to have about sexual topics (particularly pertinent ones) when I couldn't bear to listen to him. There has even been reluctant mention of finding a partner outside of our marriage, but he has found that he feels no arousal for anyone except for me. I guess typical love just works that way, and I have to admit that I'm grateful.

I may be aroace, but if anyone were to be called the love of my life, it is my husband. We are each the best friend that the other has ever had, and we can't imagine life apart. If anybody has any insight to how we can navigate this incredibly rocky area, please let me know. Any educated discourse could help, and this seems the perfect place to ask.

I am asexual and currently I‘m trying to figure out if I am romantic or not. 
I actually really like the idea of having some kind of partner to share your life with. But I have never felt “romantically attracted“ (not sure what that even means) towards anyone.

Because of that, I find it really difficult to picture myself in some sort of relationship and to imagine how it could be like. I was already chatting with AI dreaming about how a partner for me could be like. But for ecological and ethical reasons I want to reduce my use of AI.
 

And that’s why I’m asking you, fellow members of AVEN, to describe how you would describe your “perfect“ relationship so I can find out if my expectations lean more towards romantic or platonic. And of course I am also interested in your experiences!

For me, a “perfect“ relationship would include long and deep talks, physical closeness (hugging), a feeling of calm and safety, cooking/ baking together, actually listening to each other, laughing together (even about silly things), being there for each other/ mutual support, …

I also quite like romance novels. But not if they‘re picturing wild/ intense/ hungry (?) romance in which the characters are excessively desiring each other. I rather appreciate stories featuring strong bonds developing over time (love at first sight sounds beautiful but also unrealistic/ too effortless), saving each other from dangerous situations/ death, taking effort to be together (like searching/ rescuing) and slight „teasing/ mocking“.

Thank you very much for your stories and advice! ❤️

However, recently he’s been asking to do more. So far it’s just been hand stuff, but he now keeps saying things like “it’s been a year don’t you think we should be doing more?” which is stressing me out. I’ve told him that I would want to do more stuff for him since I’m comfortable with where we’re at right now, but he doesn’t like the idea of me only doing it for him and not wanting it myself. He keeps on thinking and asking “do you think I’m hot” and “am I attractive” but he won’t believe because he thinks that if I did find him attractive then I’d wanna do stuff too him. I’ve tried explaining to him that I find him attractive in others ways just not sexually but he still isn’t understanding.

Is there a way I can work around this or another way of explaining to help him understand? Thank!

For context: he is about 4 years older than me, moderately attractive, has muscles visible through business formal clothing, and to my knowledge, single. So, if not for the fact that I met him at work, I would consider it, but power mechanics mess the whole thing over. Also, my contract ends in 2 months, but it would still be weird afterwards. Also, i noticed he started wearing stronger cologne recently. Why am i even thinking about all of this? What is happening to me???? 

Please tell me how to stop this thing.

~a very confused, freaking out, apparently grey-ace

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The drive from Winston to Charleston could be considered a nerve-racking one for new drivers. It certainly was for me. A three and a half hour long stretch mostly consisting of isolating forest meant any failure from myself, my car, or the vehicles around me could mean a long wait deserted on the side of the road. However, this was not my first time driving this route. I had, in fact, driven it many times before between my college in Charleston and my family in Winston. So why was I so anxious? Well, it’s pretty simple; if not pretty embarrassing. I was terrified to visit my partner. 

Alice and I had been together for five months at this point, and there was no person I loved more in the world than her. She had been the one to spark the relationship, and even told me that she didn’t care if I was asexual; that it was no big deal at all. At the time, I was unsure about my asexuality. I had never been in a relationship before, and it really didn’t bother me until college when all of my friends started dating. They would ask me questions. Who are you attracted to? Are you on any dating apps? Have you dated anyone? I never really knew what to say, so I would dodge the question or give non-answers. At this point in life, I was supposed to have dated someone by now, and am supposed to be looking for a relationship in college. I was supposed to feel some magical desire when I see an attractive person. But I hadn’t done or felt any of those. I started to know that I wanted something (what I would later find out to be a desire for intimacy), but I wasn’t sure if a relationship was it. Because, in my mind, a relationship required sex. 

So, when one of my closest friends came up to me to start a relationship, and sex wasn’t required, I was convinced. I didn’t know exactly what it meant to have a relationship, especially one that so clearly deviated from some preconceived social norm, but I was willing to give it a try. Especially if my partner knew where my boundary was right off the bat. And, for the first few months, everything was as good as I wanted it to be. I was comfortable with being affectionate: holding hands, cuddling,  occasionally kissing. We had great communication, and the relationship was healthy. 

Things began wrapping up for the semester, and I would have to head back to my family in Winston for most of the summer. However, we kept in touch over summer, and would continue staying together into the following semester in a few months. Over the summer is where things began to get a lot more uncomfortable for me. Alice was getting progressively more adamant about her sexual desire, and asking my preferences. I would express disinterest, and we’d stop the conversation just for it to pick back up a few days later. Each visit to Charleston over the summer got progressively more intimate, and started to really push the boundaries of where I was comfortable. By the time of my final anxious visit to Charleston, I was worn down by her desire. I was so scared to ruin the relationship because everything, outside of sex, was perfect. I should just give it a try. Heck, maybe I wasn’t asexual and I would enjoy it like everyone says I will. 

Well, to spare the details, we tried it, and it was miserable. I felt nothing except guilt for being a bad partner. I wanted so badly to want it. I loved her and I hated myself for not being able to help her be satisfied. She realized how uncomfortable I was and we stopped not too soon after. She apologized and we agreed that we would not do it again, but the damage was done. She broke up with me the following week for vague and nonsensical reasons, but I knew why. I hated how broken I felt, and I despaired over how she didn’t even try to make the relationship work. What happened to asexuality not being a problem? In later months, I would come to learn that our time together was “the happiest she had felt in a very long time,” and that she thought I was an incredible partner. Was “no sex” such a bad prospect that everything else was worthless? And, if that's true, does that make me a worthless partner?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That relationship, at the time of writing, ended nearly a year ago, and I haven’t really looked for a new relationship since. I’ve healed a lot and come to be a lot more comfortable with my asexuality, but the thought of finding a new relationship feels impossible. I know what I want now, and what to look out for, but maybe my standards are too high? I just feel like it's hard to find other asexuals to start a relationship with, and allosexuals kinda scare me at this point. I don’t really wanna try dating apps because a few pictures doesn’t really tell me a lot about a person, but maybe I should do it anyway? I don’t know, I just wanted to ramble and share my story somewhere. Thanks for giving it a read ❤️

I struggle with the very institution and concept of "dating", particularly the "talking phase" part that come before the first or second date and mutual romantic interest for the longterm has been confirmed. I consistently get hung up on finding the right opening, right opening line, right moment, and right sequence of moments to build up the tension and her attraction to me, which causes for me an unbearable amount of stress, anxiety, confusion, and anguish as I overthink and over-analyze how I will balance increasing my interest and interactions with her with giving her breathing room but without being too distant or seeming uninterested. When I do try to relax and be myself, I consistently end up "friend-zoning" a love interest, some of which resulted in total disaster falling-outs with friends I otherwise felt I got along great with. There have been no isolated incidents; this happens every single time, and I can expect it to keep happening as I remain pitted against a society that demands me, a man, to perform the heavy-lifting during the "talking phase" I so truly hate, hate, hate.

In short, it's not insecurity, lack of commitment, or even my boot fetish that is the problem, it's uncertainty and the uncertainty of whether the lady is truly interested or her wondering if I really am guiding my decision-making, to terrible outcomes.

In contrast to most guys, longterm commitment to someone and making that work actually sounds completely doable (I've seen my parents and how they navigate conflicts) and I will readily rise to that challenge and overcome it, but the institution of dating and the "talking phase" has proven to be impossible for me to navigate with my unique sensibilities and worldview that just doesn't align well with the rigid step-by-step process that for most everyone else is completely natural and taken for granted. 

You know what I wish for: after some spark or clear evidence of mutual interest, I'd much prefer to be completely forthcoming about my intentions on the spot and explore with someone a "soft commitment" where we're still dating, and maybe even just "talking", but the longterm commitment prospect is secure and there are no uncertainties about the relationship, and I become free of stressing whether I'm going to get my timing right for her because she'll know no matter what I'm on the level.

What do you guys think? Is that a realistic option for approaching a relationship, or is my idea too radical, bat-shit insane, and certain to fail with a woman interest?

    It made me think about how this situation comes to me every other job I have and how i still have no idea how to handle it smoothly and not feel sick to my stomach in the moment. Like I dont think its bc Im uncomfortable bc its them, i think its bc anyone felt the desire towards me- which is weird? Bc ive felt the urge to look Attractive and desirable to other people nebulously

There have been some things happening in my life and it has made me think about relationships, and I'd just like to share my thoughts with others. 

First, tiny bit of backstory: 

I figured out I was ace a while ago, and a bit after I realised that I was likely also aro. Recently I made a new friend and in growing closer to them I got all of these thoughts running around in my head, none of which are great news to most aroace people but I'd still like to get them out of my head and into the world.

Importance of friendship:

Meeting new people as an adult has made me think about what friendship is, what I see friendship as and what the world sees friendship as. I do believe being aroace makes them more important to me, as they are the only type of relationship I will likely ever have, outside of familial ones. But why would the society I live in as a whole think they are inferior to exclusive romantic-sexual relationships. The general consensus seems to be that friendships are important, but always secondary to committed romantic/sexual relationships. Imagine someone in a typical allo relationship and they said they love their best friend more than the person they're dating, people would be outraged.  But if you ditch your friend because you're just so in love with your partner, that usually bothers no one except the best friend. 

And then, what even is friendship:

I feel very deeply about this new friend, sometimes it confuses me, I think I'm in love with them in a way, but I couldn't explain why I think this feeling is more friendship based than romance based.  Maybe it could be described as alterous in my specific case, but it is quite friendly. Being aro might play into this, but I don't understand how and when a caring, affectionate friendship differs from a romantic relationship. I might be wrong here, but I think not even all alloromantics really know this, because growing up in a society where we are taught deep emotional connections are usually romantic most people never learn to differentiate those (romantic) feelings from close friendships.  

Physical affection:

I never considered myself a very physically affectionate person until I thought more about what are my thoughts on physical closeness and what are the world's thoughts. We (often/ideally) show familial love by being cuddly with parents and siblings (which we do grow out of a little,that is kinda sad sometimes), we hug (at least where I live) our friends hello and goodbye, or to comfort them. But when unrelated adults are more affectionate than those occasional hugs everyone seems to interpret that as them being romantically or sexually involved with one another. These societal ideas made it harder to figure out that I actually like physical closeness. I never really had crushes, never experienced those first teenage attractions, and so I never had anyone to explore such closeness with. Now, I know I like tangling up on a couch and holding hands with my friend, because I was lucky to find someone who doesn't hold the societal expectations that come with it. 

There's this idea of relationship anarchy, and it seems like the most beautiful thing, in the silly little utopia in my head there's just so much love and it can be shared without any restrictions or predefined terms. Why should caring about someone be seen as inferior just because you don't want to sleep with them, why should commitment mean exclusivity, why should affection be put into boxes, why should there be a hierarchy of which type of relationship equals more commitment and investment. 

I try to be a loving person and remind myself to do my part in building that utopia, and finding people I can do that with is the most wonderful experience. 

my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for two and a half years now. I officially came out as asexual a few months ago, though we have never had sex. In the past, I wasn’t sure about my asexuality because I had gone through some bad experiences and also deal with some body issues. Now that I know for sure, my girlfriend has been incredibly supportive and she was genuinely happy for me when I came out. She has never pushed me and deeply respects my boundaries.

Still she expressed a wish to explore sexual intimacy and asked if we could try an open relationship / non-monogamy. I’ve always been surrounded by friends who practice polyamory, so the concept felt normal to me and it aligns with my values. I believe that one person doesn’t have to be "everything" to you, that love is abundant, and that relationships are constantly evolving.

My girlfriend reassures me constantly that she is with me because of who I am as a person, not because of my sexuality. She is even committed to moving to another city with me next year. Since deciding to open up, our conversations also have become much more vulnerable and honest and we’ve agreed to do regular check-ins to stay on the same page.

Despite this, my nervous system feels very stressed. I still struggle with self-acceptance regarding being ace. Additionally, many of my friends have recently moved away, leaving me feeling lonely and a bit "needy." 

While I don't want to date others myself right now, opening the relationship has also made me think about my own autonomy, like traveling alone or building deeper friendships.

Sometimes I feel great about this potential to grow, but other times I feel anxious, jealous, and worried about the future. I've become acutely aware that "anyone can leave at any time," and that scares me a lot. On the other hand, I see this as a huge opportunity to grow.

I would love to connect with other asexual people who have opened their relationships or practice ENM. My questions are:

1. What are your experiences?
2. How do you handle feelings of jealousy or insecurity?
3. What worked for you, and what didn’t?

Thank you

Lately I've felt lonely as someone who's never dated or had a relationship and I want to hear there's other people like me. I know there's a lot of people, and you just don't hear about it as often as it's not a topic that comes up naturally the way relationships do, but sometimes it's nice to see others exist. If you want maybe talk about your story and how you feel about it, but there's no need to. 

In my case the closest I've gotten is falling in love with a guy and almost going on a date, but that's it. I'm lonely and I don't think I'd be against it, but I struggle with human contact that goes beyond surface level friendships. I hate keeping in contact, I hate sharing my space with other people, and I have a very deep-rooted fear of conflict and being hated. It hurts a lot and I wish I had the emotional connections many of my coworkers have, but frankly I don't think I'm mentally equipped to handle it. It spills over into my supposed asexuality as well, as I don't feel I can confidently say I'm asexual unless I've been given the opportunity to properly love someone - which I know isn't a must, but in my case I feel like having experience would clear up a lot of questions in my head. I guess that's also a reason why I made this thread, because a lot of asexual discussions are about relationships and how they worked or didn't work out, and I can't relate to that at all. Sometimes that gets lonely.

But basically I met this guy, we vibe real well, I think I catch feelings but asexuality is rough so cue sexuality crisis (still ongoing but that'll get figured out eventually). But also we're both the 'take it easy and get to the know the other person' type of people, which means our dates have been very platonic. 

Anyway!! I finally did let them know that I am attracted and they responded that they were too. Said that they're really bad at making things progress romantically and in general flirting. But they want our next meeting to have more actual date vibes. Wow. Success. 

But now!! Fuck how does an actual romantic date work? I've been on more romantic dates, but it's always been the other person flirting and me going 'hehe' and not knowing how to react. And very clearly I have to be more involved here. I did say that being good at flirting isn't necessary as long as we're on the same page, and they agreed. So like... we're not about to go crazy with it, but a different atmosphere is needed I guess? A less platonic one anyway. How does that work?? 

So, I started identifying myself as an asexual when I was 13 years old (I didn't even know asexuality was a thing back then, but I did understand I wasn't interested in kissing, porn, sex or anything and that I was fine with not having that in my life), so now that I am in my mid-twenties, I feel being an ace is one of the defining parts of who I am.

Arround three years ago, I felt like exploring my sexuality a bit more and eventually started a MlM relationship with an allo.

I am very positive with the idea of sex, but I'd say I'm quite neuter with the act of having sex. I LOVE having sex with my boyfriend because of the connection we have during it (and I'm quite touch-starved, tbh). Plus, he respects my timming and really enjoys having sex, and it makes me happy to see him happy. But physically, I barely feel anything. It's more of a "there is something is touching my genitals" then a "WOW, IT FEELS SO GOOD" thing. And I've had enough experiences to know that it's not about how we do it, that is just how sex (including masturbation) works for me and we're fine with that. Actually, I wouldn't even say I climax in the literal sense of the word. I'd say tension and a desire-ish thingy starts building up and then it plateaus for a few minutes and slowly decreases until I get soft and my mind changes focus to anything else (like "hey, we could watch an episode of Avatar later! 😃"). With the right touching I can ejaculate anywhere in this process, without any orgasm (either that or the allos make too huge of a fuss for too little of a sensation 🙄).

Personally, I'm very satisfied with my relationship and wouldn't change a bit about it. Me and my bf are very communicative and we have a deep conversation about any issue way before it evolves into a problem.

My life changed downside up a few months ago (thank God). I moved to a nice apartament in a smaller town; I go walking everyday to a newer, calmer job which pays enough to seamlessly afford my lifestyle. Plus, I'm able to afford taking swimming classes again (which I love) after many years, going to a psychologist and a psychiatrist - so I'm doing therapy and taking Zoloft.

I left the bottomless pit of depression and I feel I'm mentally healthy and cherishing being alive (so, for all those who need to hear it, YES! IT IS POSSIBLE, it took me some eight years, but it did happen to me and it can happen to you, so don't give up! It ain't easy, but it is worth the effort!).

Now, the thing is, since things got better, I haven't been able to ejaculate when I have sex. My psychiatrist told me that Zoloft can be used over-the-counter for treating premature ejaculation, so it is possible that the medication is delaying mine long enough that my "hornyness curve" goes back to zero before I get to reach the point of no return. There are other factors that could be in play, like the fact that I'm exercising regularly, so my libido is being discharged in another way, or my methabolism behaving differently now that I'm not in a constant overdrive of stress hormones (and it is different now). I do feel that my desire is a bit lower, back to arround the same level I had before my depression and anxiety kicked in hard (and again, back then I new I was asexual before knowing what asexuality is).

I've talked to my bf about that a few times, and even though I am completely fine with things being the way they are and I reassure him that I enjoy having sex with him now just as much as before, I can tell that he gets disappointed when we do it and I just... stop... and can't go back. He once told me that he's trying to rewire for me, but he has entrenched in him the idea that if his partner doesn't cum at some point, he's not really liking it. Since I'm living away, we only get to have sex about once a month (but we chat daily and meet weekly), so we can't help but building a bit of expextation when it happens.

After all this context (sorry if it took long), I'd like to hear from other sexually-active aces about how is the experience for you. What exactally do you feel? How do you and your partener(s) (if any) see sex in your relationship? I'd like to understand how it works for other aces to broaden my perspective on the issue.

For me, sex is something... aesthetic? I can read erotic scenes, I might find them aesthetically pleasing if they're well written, but I never have the thought "I want this." Never. Even a naked body — I look at it like a sculpture or a painting: beautiful, but nothing more.

I want platonic love. Kisses, hugs, holding hands, talking, spending time together — and for all of that to be just for the two of us. Like a romantic relationship, but without sex. For me, a relationship is like friendship, but with exclusivity. With the right to say "my person."

And recently I met a guy. He's handsome, Asian-looking (that's my type), tall, friendly, easy and comfortable to talk to. We're very comfortable with each other. We quickly found common ground, started going for walks, holding hands, kissing. We're not in a relationship yet — we're still getting to know each other.

And I told him from the very beginning that I'm asexual, that I don't want sex and never will. He listened, he was understanding, but then he asked again. And we started talking about it.

He said that physical intimacy (including sex) is important to him.

I said: "I won't force myself. And I don't want you to hold yourself back. There's no compromise here."

He said he's "not against trying." But I understand that this will end badly for both of us.

He's a good person. He doesn't pressure me, he isn't rude, he doesn't dismiss my feelings. He asks gently, respectfully. And that's exactly why it hurts even more.

If he were an asshole, I'd just get angry and leave. But he's good. And I really, genuinely like him.

I haven't felt being in love for more than three years, and now I'm afraid to fall in love with him. Because if I fall in love — I will have to refuse him what matters to him. I will blame myself for those refusals. I will know that I'm hurting him. And at the same time, I can't give him what he wants, because that would destroy me. And if he's the one who holds himself back, I will blame myself for that too.

I'm tired. I'm tired of the thought that lives in my head every time I hug someone: "I need to say no in time. I need to stop this in time." I want hugs that I don't have to think about. Where no one is waiting for "more." Where we both know: there won't be more. And we're both happy with that.

I don't know what to do.

We're not together. We're just talking, getting to know each other, hugging. We both know about our fundamental difference. But we can't stop, because we feel good together.

I'm afraid to fall in love. Because I know: this love won't lead anywhere. I will hurt from saying no. He will hurt from the lack of physical intimacy. And we'll part ways, but already attached and traumatized.

But I'm also afraid to pull away now. Because he's the first person in a long time that I genuinely like. Because I've missed the feeling of being in love. Because I'm tired of being alone.

How do I stop being afraid that at any moment, a hug might turn into something I don't want? How do I find someone who will be content with what I can give?

I'm just so tired. And it hurts. And I want to know that I'm not the only one like this.

P.S. About appearance

Someone might ask why I mentioned that he's Asian-looking. It's just my type. I like guys with Asian facial features. It's not a fetish, not a stereotype — just an aesthetic preference. The way some people like brunettes or tall people. And the fact that he's completely "my type" only makes the situation more painful. Because he's handsome, kind, comfortable — and still not mine.