What I find difficult is that she came out as asexual after we got together. In the beginning we were very sexual and when I recently asked what was different from the beginning, the response was that she forced herself to participate because having sex was "normal", not because she wanted to.

We've been together for almost three years and it's come to the point where I have to ask for any physical affection, though I give it freely. I struggle with this because I feel undesirable, unwanted, and I don't know how to communicate these feelings without hurting her. I expressed that I was craving her the other day and she felt guilty because she doesn't have the desire to meet my sexual needs.

I'm supportive and respect her needs, I don't know how to ask for more spontaneous non sexual affection or have my sexual needs met, thus far I've managed with masturbation and porn, but I feel guilty. We are monogamous and opening the relationship is not an option.

Any insight would be great - please refrain from suggesting that I leave her.

So i am in a relationship with her for almost a year now. This past year was amazing she is amazing and i respect and understand her, from the first time that we started talking about liking each other she told me that she is asexual, and i completely respect that and i do not have a problem with that like other people(she had her experiences with others that were rude because of that). After she told me that i was thinking that asexual means that she does not like intimate stuff and such(which is true i hope) and i did not press her to do anything that she doesn't like. 

I am here for help because we had a argument over not going out more just the 2 of us, its not like we are not seeing each other or not talking, we are seeing each other almost every day hanging out with our friends, but i want to see her from time to time just the 2 of us, she told me that probably she does not want to go out with just me because she does not like it and it makes her uncomfortable, but i still want to go out with just her and i don't know what to do. In the last 4 months i was trying to go out just with her and every time she would say "we will see" and not go out, or she would say yes but after she would propose to hang out with the rest of the group, in the last 4 months i went out with just her 2 times, and in that 2 times we would stay for 1 or 2 hours and then see the rest of the group. She told me that she likes to hang out with the rest and such but i told her that i need some alone time with her, to just talk or go on a date and her response was that we are seeing each other every day its not like we are apart and not talking. After that i said that there are things that we can not do or talk about when there are other people, i don't mean sex or anything like the sorts, i gave her a example like kissing, because i did not kiss her for a year, from when we got together until now we did not kiss since(we are "pecking", i do not know how to word it, but not kissing). She told me that she does not like kissing and it makes her uncomfortable, i did not know that because the first time we kissed she initiated it and i though that was ok for her and now i fell really bad because i did not know that. After that she got mad at me and i started giving more examples of us not hanging out, when we were together for 6 months i tried to go on a date with her, but she wanted to hang out with the rest so i said ok and i wanted to ask her if she would like after all of them go home to remain just the 2 of us, but she told me that she is going to her friends house and i did not ask her, she then asked me if i was mad i said yes and explained myself and she didn't understand and got mad at me... And when i explained it to her now she seems to understand and said she was sorry but to me it still seems she is mad at me and bothered by what i told her, so i texted her today if she wants to talk with me for half an hour face to face because i don't want things to remain like this and i still have some things that i want to discuss with her but she told me that she doesn't see why we should talk again because she already told me all that she had to say and does not want to repeat herself.

I am so confused and i really don't know what to do, she never wants to talk with me face to face and through text I can't express myself the way I want.

Sorry for all the grammatical errors and if you don't understand what I'm saying, but I really wanted to talk to someone about this and since she doesn't want to, and I don't want to talk to my friends about it either.

My husband and I have agreed our sex life of c.30 years is over. We have agreed our marriage is now platonic. A huge relief: takes away the years of emotional exhaustion of trying to make a compromise work. He doesn't like labels, but has said he has never really been bothered about sex and never wants to have sex again with anyone. And I am not willing to be celibate at age 55. We have 3 adult offspring.

Because neither of us wants a divorce, he has said he is willing for me to have sex with who I like.  Although I have said I'm happy for him to do so too (equality), he says has no intention of doing so. He would also be happy never to discuss any of this ever again....

So, I find myself in a new and unknown reality: married and loyal for 29 years and now free to explore ethical non monogamy whilst in a platonic marriage. 

This brief summary belies the years of heartache it has taken to get to this point. It feels as I am entering completely new territory. I don't know of anyone in a situation like mine. I'm happy to share my experience or answer questions as it unfolds if it would be helpful to anyone else. And I'd be very grateful for dialogue with anyone whose own situation is similar. 

We have decided to stay married and try to figure out what that means.  We love each other, but I have no idea what that is going to look like and what this means for me and my happiness along with her and her happiness.  

I have a therapist, but also feel like I need a community of people who have "been there" or can completely understand.  

What does a happy and fulfilled marriage look like between two people who love each other and want the other person to be happy, when one is asexual and the other is not? 

We have been married for over 30 years and she recently told me she is asexual. Sex and intimacy have always been an issue in our marriage, well an issue for me, not so much my wife 🥲

Anyway, now that she has told me she is asexual, how do I know anything from the last 30 years was real?

if and when we were intimate, was she miserable? This is very hard for me to come to grips with.  Has anyone else felt the same way? 

After 31 years of marriage,  I had hit a wall of frustration and sunk into a depression that I knew I had to change. It was the old "get busy living, or get busy dying" moment.  In this moment I asked my wife if she was willing to start working on being married, rather than roommates.  After weeks of processing the question, she informed me that she is asexual.  This has been beyond difficult.  For all these years, I was working on trying to be more attractive, be nicer, be funnier, be etc. and had so many lonely nights where I felt so pathetic and like such a loser, so in so me ways if feels a little refreshing to know that she is and has been on the spectrum, but this is going to be HARD!  

We have decided to stay married and try to figure out what that means.  We love each other, but I have no idea what that is going to look like and what this means for me and my happiness along with her and her happiness.  

I have a therapist, but also feel like I need a community of people who have "been there" or can completely understand.  

What does a happy and fulfilled marriage look like between two people who love each other and want the other person to be happy, when one is asexual and the other is not? 

I will not bore you with the the story of our relationship. Basically what me and my girlfriend thought was an incompatibility in libidos might be her asexuality. We only reached this conclusion yesterday after 4 years of our relationship. (We are both female)

I am a very sexual person, so if you had told me a few years ago that I would be  considering a relationship with an asexual person I would say you were insane. 

The fact is I think she is the love of my life, everything else in the relationship is perfect, but once again, I am very sexual and I'm afraid abstaining from sex might cause me to resent her, making me more irritable and treating her badly.

All the cards are on the table right now, we have talked about an open relationship, ending our relationship, doing sexual stuff if she is not in the mood, but I  have a very big problem with this last one. I have read asexual people can have sex and do it to make their partner happy, but thinking of doing this with my girlfriend feels like rape to me. 

I'm also afraid having an open relationship would make me fearful that she would say it's fine but would feel hurt.

Basically  I want to hear about your experiences in alo-ace relationships and especially alo-ace relationships that involve sex. I'm just really lost right now, I don't wanna hurt her in anyway  and definitely don't want to break up. Any advice on how to navigate this?

p.s.:English is not my first language so sorry if something is spelled incorrectly

Last week my girlfriend came out as asexual. We didn't have sex for some time beforehand. At the beginning of our relationship, which a little more than over a year ago, we had sex often. I gradually introduced my kinks to her, to which she was receptive. For the past six months, however, her sex drive has vanished. At first I thought it was maybe the toxic cocktail of college stress, work and just a lack of initiative on both ends. After all, I wasn't in the mood for sex as well, for similar reasons, mostly stress and a lack of time and initiative.

However, I still have my kinks and sexual needs. Her coming out felt like a gut punch, since I can't imagine living without my most beloved kink (bondage, specifically shibari). I can live without 'regular' sex and just the general jerk-off session, but without my kinks is a lot harder. I've suggested we compromise, with me giving up all my other sexual and kinky needs, just to still be able to at the very least do my main kink. Yesterday, however, she made it clear that jerking me off is the farthest she'll go.

Last Sunday early morning, I finally broke down in tears in bed next to her. I basically begged her to still make decorative bondage ties on her, a non-sexual way to still being able to do what I love and feel a deep bond with her at the same time. But as you can judge from yesterday, that too is beyond grasping. I felt a bit ot resentment afterwards, with it not being much of a compromise, but more of a dictate.

In the end, I still love her of course. And I refuse to let this relationship die because of something as trivial as sex. But I feel like I just can't keep lying to myself and ignore my own sexual/kinky needs. It's already eating me up inside. I'm happy in every other aspect, which is the reason why I'm willing to sacrifice so much to make it work. Because in the end there's only one person like my partner, and I don't want anyone else. This has left feeling lost and clueless. I'm willing to make it work, but I feel like I have to give up so much and get almost nothing in return. It sounds contradictory to what I said earlier, but I just can't put it into better words. I'm sorry for that. I hope it still makes sense. I just feel lost, sad and confused.

As most of you in this forum section I'm a sexual person, I do have desires and needs, all those denied or deminished because I'm married to someone who I truly believe now is in the asexual spectrum. Did I know that? No! Neither she knows it or recognises it by now. Don't read this as a complain from me. It's more a relief. I've been with her for more than 20 year. Always I trying to have sex and enjoy. I've been negated over 99% of my invitations and insinuations for sex. She can go without sex for months. Our record is more than 10 months (without considering pregnancy). We have a son. And I took that as normal. That was my normal. But that was never enough to get satisfaction.

What have I done? Well... Masturbation is one easy way. But if you are like me, that tends to be boring, porn is funny but if you do it every day it gets annoying. I wanted skin. I wanted to touch. I wanted to be touch. Feel desire, be desired. I needed it. I asked for ENM relationship, I opened to any fantasies she might have with other guys, womans, go to swingers clubs just to open the spectrum a bit. She refused everything and still no sex. So I cheated. I had extra relationship encounters. Some casual, some repeating, never serious, I hired prostitutes, I went to hotels just to masturbate in a savage way alone. She doesn't know about anything. Judge me all you want. This is my true. I felt horrible every time. But it was worst to feel the rejection time after time with some lazy excuses. It is still horrible to know that no matter what I propose, I will be rejected.

We parted ways at least 2 or 3 times during this 20+ years. A few months at a time. We've always got back. We are in love. All things considered, I still love her, I still care. I left aside the casual encounters and the prostitutes looking to focus on our relationship. It's still not working. A few months back I was still trying to understand how to "motivate her" into sex when I got rejected. But this time it was different, something hit me deeper. "What is your desire?" I asked innocently. "I don't know. I have none. I'm not like you." got as an answer. I've got really depressed.

Few Google searches later found posts about asexuality. She fits perfectly in the description. Talked to her about it. She still denies it. I don't think she is fully aware of who she is. As for me, I hate myself for trying to push or propose sex so frequently to her. I hate myself for all the cheating. I don't know how to move forward. She doesn't want sex, she is not open to ENM and I'm about to return to casual encounters. 

I welcome any comments. Judge me all you want because of my cheating but keep it for yourself. I've done it. Took all precautions, I'm healthy, she is healthy, she doesn't know, no emotional damage, I need to deal between no sex at all, divorce and lose the woman I love or cheat. So yes, I'm in the dark side now.

This is a peak view of my life with an asexual wife. In any case, I'm super happy to find this place. I can express myself and tell my history.

This is my first post on AVEN, so just a very short intro. Me and my partner have been looking into ENM. Partly because we both have some interest in it, but also partly because I am sexual and my partner is likely grey-sexual. It was me who opened up for the idea, but we have good and open discussions about it. My partner is not fully asexual, so they can see some interest in it for themselves as well. But their desire and libido is very low, and it has always been this way. The infrequency and lack of enthusiasm for sex has been more or less the only issue in our relationship, but it has also been a major issue from time to time. I'm all for ENM when it is actively fun for both partners. But I'm cautious about it as a "solution". What if we end up regretting it? We have been together for two decades and have a quite strong relationship. So I think we could handle it if we learn that it doesn't work. But I would really like to hear other couples experiences here.

Enter "the truce":  my husband agreed to allow me to take a lover.  While not ideal on the surface, it has been an excellent solution for us 5 months in.  I took my time in the selection process so it would not be quick, unsafe, uncaring or unfulfilling. The result is that I am extremely well matched, and my husband allows one night a week with him.  This has helped my marriage beyond belief!  While my husband is not wholly thrilled, he's a realist and truly understands our situation and its effects on all of us. I believe he is relieved even though he won't describe relief as his main feeling.  

It's a work in progress, but our home is happier, healthier and better than it's been in years.  While unconventional, it's a solution that's been viable for us.  

Yes, I've fallen in love with my lover, and yes my husband knows.  However, my lover is not a threat, but an addition to our lives - he's single, older and simply wanted what I could offer at the outset; that remains our basis.  Our collective goal is wrapped into one word "longevity"....we shall see, but this thing has legs.  So far, so good.

Edit Jan 2020: I have somewhat chronicled the last 2.5 years of ups and downs here. We are still together after all of this time, but the road to open has morphed and hasn’t been without trials and tribulations.  There is some very good input here from various individuals. I will try to keep updating as makes sense. 
 

Edit April 2021: 4 years and counting...

Edit Spring 2022: Happy 5th Anniversary! What an unbelievably wonderful twist in our lives.  We are thriving! 💕 

Edit Spring 2023: 6 years and we are ever deeper here. My husband and our kids spend about as much time with my lover as I do. We are a family of 5.  It’s beyond what my mind could have digested 6 years ago…♥️

Edit Spring 2024: It’s officially been 7 years. This is us and I can’t imagine it any other way. Few know, we are still closeted for the most part, yet it hardly matters. We live and we love. We are family. Amazing stuff. 🥰

Edit Spring 2025: 8 years have come and gone. 8 years! I can hardly recall a time which didn’t include all parties. It’s not simple, but this is us and I love that we have worked our mixed marriage out for the greater good. It can work well and our family is a testament to this. ♥️

Edit Spring 2026: 9 years and still counting… Life is good. 
 

May there be many more years of positive “Edits” to come.

My name is Aki, and my partner just confided in me a few days ago that she does not have a strong interest in sex. The way she describes it is that she can go months without it even crossing her mind once. We've been in a loving relationship for nearly 3 years, and she is concerned that my sexual needs are not being met. I will admit that I have been very pent up and frustrated more than a few times throughout our relationship, but her comfort matters a lot to me and I could not live with myself if I ever caused her to feel coerced or obligated. Still I've been feeling less than desirable lately and she's noticed and has been worrying about it. We want to get married eventually and she worries that I will feel unfulfilled.

Since she's shared her perspective with me, I've been doing a lot of research into the spectrum of asexuality and learning about different experiences. That is how I've found this amazing website! We will be having a longer and more in-depth discussion about our needs, desires, etc... and I am trying to come up with some questions that will help us both understand each other a bit better and figure out how our relationship can change and give us both satisfaction. 

I'm really nervous, but I'm wondering if any of you can offer some suggestions or insight into this discussion/ process! I adore my girlfriend, and she is so special to me! I want to make this work for both of us. 

Thank you so much!

I have seen ads for escorts who are into couples and wonder if there are any views out there about using an escort service to help out the sexual half of an asexual/sexual match? 

our first date he was trying to get my clothes off, we were out and I wouldn’t do that on the first date. But third date he stayed and we did have amazing sex. He has always said he has a low sex drive which had caused issues at times as I had a high sex drive. 
 

we have a child together and lived together from 2020 to end of 2024. When he originally said he couldn’t deal with my insecurities anymore and left. Over the last year different things have been said. But we had more sex over the first 10 months from the split. Over Christmas he admitted to falling out of love, but said he was falling in love again.

last night he told me he didn’t know the world for it but he’s not interested in sex and never has been. Today he’s broken down in tears saying he just wants to be normal. 
 

im confused and lost and kind of feel like our relationship was a lie. He nearly always initiated it. He says it’s because he knew I wanted it. And he never enjoyed or wanted to have sex. Where do we go from here? What am I even meant to feel right now? Any help or advice please 

Personally I'm here because my best friend recently came out as asexual so I'm trying to learn more about where she is coming from. Also I haven't been here very long but I'v already made some pretty awesome friends and I can't wait to meet even more.

So I'd love to hear your story if you're willing to share.

* Edited from hyper sexual for correct terminology 

The issue is that I’m grieving the lack of a specific type of intimacy: passionate making out/heavy petting/non-sexual-but-intense physical closeness. We don’t have sexual intercourse and I’m okay with that. I think what I miss is that closeness that feels chosen and, well, intimate.

We’ve talked about it in the past. He’s said he enjoys it too, but in reality it happens very rarely (maybe a few times a year at most); he isn’t cruel or dismissive, but it feels that it just doesn’t seem to be something he wants or prioritizes in the same way that I do. He works a physically demanding day job and has several extra-vocational activities during the week. So his schedule is regularly fully booked and he’s often exhausted, which I understand and respect. I don't bring this up on his busy nights, and we do try to plan a night for just the two of us once or twice a week, but they're not nights where I feel I can broach the subject.

When we’ve previously talked about increasing our intimate time, we’ve tried scheduling and open-ended plans; both failed and caused (me personally) more hurt than help. I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to keep asking. I don’t want to nag, pressure, or create guilt. I also don’t want to frame him as “if he wanted to, he would,” because that feels unfair given how much love he shows me in other ways. And the repeated disappointment is damaging to my mental health. I want to take responsibility for my side of this rather than continuing a pattern that hurts me. 

Here’s where I’m stuck: I’m accepting that this is an intimacy mismatch and may not change, but I feel unfulfilled and sad about this missing intimacy. I feel guilty for wanting more when I already have such a good relationship. I don’t want to pressure him, make him feel broken, or risk resentment on either side. 

I’m trying to figure out how to grieve an unmet intimacy need without becoming resentful, bitter, or emotionally shut down. I’m not looking to change him, open the relationship, or leave. I’m looking for ways I can cope safely and maturely. So if anyone has any advice on emotionally accepting an unmet desire that may not change, staying warm and affectionate without constantly reactivating that want, letting go of the urge to measure love by this one metric, or ways you may have of processing disappointment in a healthy, self-respecting way, I definitely welcome it.

TL;DR

For those who’ve may have an unmet need like this, how did you learn to live with it without turning it inward or letting it erode the relationship? I’m interested in how people regulate themselves and maintain emotional closeness when one meaningful need isn’t fully met. I’m especially interested in practical coping strategies, mindset shifts, or rituals that helped you accept reality without suppressing your feelings or building quiet resentment.

(Also, for what it's worth, I've just begun with a new therapist and I do have a psychiatrist that I meet with regularly. I do plan on bringing this up with my therapist, but if anyone has any lived experience or advice on this topic, I'd appreciate it)