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  2. roland.o

    What am I?

    Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @Hepalien! Have some cake... I very much agree with @MacAran. I spent many years of my life thinking that someday, I would meet "The Right One", and suddenly become a person like everyone else, with a relationship, happily having deeply fulfilling sex, which of course I'd never do unless with "The Right One". Skip forward a few decades, and I still haven't found "The Right One". I have had sex, and it was OK for me, although it didn't give me much. All the importance that I once associated with it just turned into a romantic illusion and evaporated. Have you read about the different types of attraction yet? http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction Maybe you could start with figuring out your romantic orientation? Think about what kind of relationships you would like to have - platonic friendship, romantic, sexual? Build relationships gradually. Find platonic friends, bond with those, until you find someone who actually piques your romantic or sensual interest. Only then consider whether you want to take it further. Gradually extend your comfort zone with other people. And try to get rid of thoughts about "The Right One", and whether "this is it?". Make small decisions, live in the now, instead of waiting for the maybe future. Well, this has turned into rambling, but maybe you can find something useful in it anyway Good luck!
  3. I would probably tell the haters that sex is like sour candy. Some people love it, and some people hate it, and some people are in between. Your candy preference doesn’t make you less human, and neither should your sexuality
  4. Avee

    When love is not enough

    Thank you for your answer. It really made me feel better
  5. XYZ96

    This or That?

    Urban Sitcom or crime drama?
  6. Chloe O'Leary

    This or That?

    Late night. I'm barely human in the early morning - and that's after a pint of tea! Urban or rural?
  7. XYZ96

    Interview the person below you

    1. I don't know many directors, but I like Wes Anderson, so I guess I'll pick him 2. I don't play many video games, but as a kid, I really liked pokemon snap 3. Hitch Hiker's Guild to the Galaxy 1. What was your favorite subject in school? 2. What was your least favorite subject in school? 3. What is something you always or nearly always carry with you?
  8. Chloe O'Leary

    Romantic Attraction Frequency & Labels

    I'll only have very few cruses in a 5-year time span (I answered 1 or 2), but I identify as demiromantic, rather than grey.
  9. StomachGod

    When did you realise you are asexual?

    Might sound a bit strange, but I realized it pretty much the moment puberty started, along with my gender shitshow. It all just turned up and I went, "Oh, so that's how it is."... Of course at the time I didn't realize either thing was normal. So I just tried to hide it all since I didn't want my family to worry about me being "broken". I didn't know that any of that COULD be normal until I was in University... Better education could save a lot of youths the same pain in future.
  10. CaptainMarvel

    Quickly, Before They See!

    17
  11. Chloe O'Leary

    Do you know if you are in a sticky situation?

    I would honestly have no idea if anyone was flirting with me, or if I was unintentionally flirting with anyone else. Although I'd put that down to my autism more than anything...
  12. RoseGoesToYale

    RoseGoesToYale

    This bean bag chair is a problem. It keeps siren calling to me, and once I'm in it, I don't want to get back out!

    1. MiseryTriumphant

      MiseryTriumphant

       

      Duct tape it to your back. Then you can walk around like a bean bag turtle and sit in it anytime and still be able to get up and move around.

    2. RoseGoesToYale

      RoseGoesToYale

      XD I'd be squashed. It's 5' in diameter!

    3. MiseryTriumphant

      MiseryTriumphant

      Or if you've seen Labyrinth (the movie from the 80s) you would look like the denizens of the trash heap! 😂

  13. More complicated than that. (And we're getting off topic.)
  14. Asexuality is not a phase, it is a real sexuality.
  15. Chloe O'Leary

    Your Romantic Orientation

    1 - Demiromantic 2 - Heteroromantic 3 - A romantic relationship would be nice in the future, however, I'll wait until I come across someone I like who likes me back before going down that path.
  16. Hello, this is my first post on this site. Forgive me if I'm not familiar with the terminology, abbreviations, use terms that are considered unhelpful. I will learn. I'll be 42 next month and my wife is 51. We have one child, and despite my experiencing a profound and extended nervous breakdown three years ago, almost losing my life to it (now thankfully recovered) we have a solid and loving family life in lots of ways that I am eternally grateful for and would trade for anything. Of course, I'm here for a reason and that is because my wife has always had low libido. To give a sense of what this means, on average, in our 13 years living together, I would say we have had sex, on average, once a month and there have been many times when much longer intervals have gone by. Occasionally, there will be a period where we might manage it once a week for three weeks but then it is back to the old ways. There is nothing particular about our lifestyles that makes more regular sex challenging to achieve. My wife seems to consider this normal, or at least 'OK' if not typical. Why am I focussing on my wife? It takes two to tango, yes? Well, I think the following are relevant: - It is almost always me who has to initiate and when it is her, it is because she senses that an abnormally long time has passed without sex, even by our standards -She is never spontaneous or risk-taking: for example, she would never, in the middle of the day (I now work mostly from home) come downstairs and jump on me, get us in the mood etc. - It is true that I don't do these things anymore, but that's because when I have done so in the past, her response has been prudish, 'what will the neighbours think' etc. It's not like we swing from the chandeliers. -When we do have sex, it is like having to open her up in the sense of her being inert and my having to caress her, kiss her while she is relatively unresponsive. Moistness is not a problem. When we are having sex, it is always me who has to suggest we now try this position or that. Nothing out of the ordinary, mind. I think the word 'passive' covers her demeanour well -She is aware that she is unusually silent when we make love and by her own admission, she cannot explain it: it's just that she, in her words, freezes up, and is prevented from letting go. She is, well...inhibited. -As a reason not to have a date night, she is quick to fall back on excuses like it being very cold, being menstrual/peri-menstrual. I'm not dismissing the latter, but personally speaking, it does not matter to me one jot and it's not that sex during those times is at all painful for her, just messy (so what-let's use some old towels, I say!) - With all this said, when we do make love, I feel we both enjoy it, and she usually has no trouble orgasming, though you would hardly know it, to look at or hear her (her body tends to give her away). I honestly do not know whether she masturbates anymore or not. - I should have the humility to consider my own relative sexual attractiveness in this. Certainly, when we met I was considered a good-looking guy, and although I put on a lot of weight in the intervening years, I recently lost a lot of it, and for my age-I'm perfectly acceptable and would not struggle to get a date online based on my looks. The experience I outlined above has been invariant to my looks and self-care, during our time together. Of course it helps when I am trimmer, happier, fitter-but it's not the cause. In terms of her history versus mine, it may or may not be relevant that she did not experience penetration until she met me, when she was aged 38. It was a good experience, for both of us. It was previously a case of vaginismus or anything like that. She had led quite a solitary, family oriented life and had never had a boyfriend. At one period before she met me, she had a very mild lesbian infatuation with someone. She was and is still recognised as a good-looking woman, is highly intelligent and has good self-esteem, about herself and her body/looks. In terms of myself, I would consider my libido as being about average, for a man. I like sex, and I like thinking about it perhaps as much as the act, though there are things I value more: food, music, relationships... In my previous relationships I had maybe half a dozen girlfriends in total and, although the women varied considerably in libido, none had as low as that of my wife. Of course, I have read all the articles about getting the spice back in your sex life, about having to work at it, plan spontaneity, try new things etc. etc. all of which make perfect sense if you have a shall we say, a representative libido that's just been in hibernation or suffered some neglect. I have made admittedly half-hearted attempts to stick with such advice, but I can no longer do it because I am coming to the conclusion that my wife might be asexual, and therefore any attempts to re-vamp the relationship are only going to bring the problem into sharper and more painful relief. On the one hand, I have an instinct to talk to her - we are very close and understand each other very well-but I worry that if I raise the 'asexual' possibility, that it will send her and me into a spiral of self-reproach and even resentment, which is worse than pointless. I love my wife very deeply and have zero real interest in being with other women, casually or otherwise, because our family life is precious to me, and I know what destroying trust looks like. The sadness I feel-and that's what it is-is not exactly driving us apart, but I worry that it could be corrosive. Can you please point me to where similar experiences have had good responses, or other resources that might help? Feel free to opine yourself, of course. Getting therapy is something that I really, really cannot afford right now. Maybe when times are better. Many thanks for taking the trouble to read this.
  17. Asexuality is a real thing and ace people are not wrong or robots or plants or whatever because they're ace
  18. Chloe O'Leary

    What is your Alignment?

    Chaotic Good. Exact results: Alignment: Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21) Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21) Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (25) Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (18) True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (18) Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22) Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXX (8) Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXX (8) Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12) Law & Chaos: Law ----- XXXXXXX (7) Neutral - XXXXXXX (7) Chaos --- XXXXXXXXXXX (11) Good & Evil: Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14) Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXX (11) Evil ---- X (1)
  19. MichaelTannock

    asexuality and mental health

    @mistyyy_dayyy A belated welcome to AVEN! I think it's a possibility, but I don't know if that's what has happened in your case. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,
  20. Woodworker1968

    Have you ever felt that an animal truly loved you?

    That's what I mean. This cat really dug me. It wasn't a sexual thing, I think she just liked to be held more than most cats do. Other cats however will let you know they just plain don't like you. They're smart enough to know if they learn how to push your buttons, they will make it their job to piss you off. After my mother died and I ended up with the house and her animals, she'd had this one cat that gave off a peevish vibe in my presence. I was always nice and gentle to her, but she showed her dislike of me by developing a bad habit of climbing into cupboards and cabinets, looking for things to break. I guess she finally had enough of me, because she defected to the neighbors' across the street, where the husband and wife adopted her, and she lived happily ever after until she died from natural old age.
  21. Today I was thinking about all of the things that I would like to tell acephobic people and I was wondering if anyone else had anything they would say. My list is as follows: "Asexual people are real." "Asexual people are not confused." "If an asexual person has sex, they are still asexual." "Being ace does not equate to being abused as a child."
  22. Grimalkin

    When love is not enough

    This is a very mature way of thinking. When a relationship doesn't feel right anymore, even if you can't quite articulate why, it may be time to let it go. I broke up with my last boyfriend in much the same way. I loved him and we got along great, but we were terribly sexually incompatible and I knew it would start to hurt him. I felt lonely for a while, of course. I missed him terribly. I even made the mistake of getting back together with him temporarily when it felt like I might suddenly sexually desire him-- but I didn't. I was just craving the intimacy we once had. It took a while, but I feel better about my decision and myself. You will too.
  23. There is a big difference in saying you are hurt and unfulfilled and throwing a tantrum. A tantrum implies being angry, lashing out, yelling, etc. Which, is never the right response. Example, I was with someone who would shut down at a no,yell at me, then completely ignore me and refuse to talk until I gave in and changed it to a yes. That is tantrum behavior. And it is childish and not at all a healthy way to communicate an issue. Saying how you feel, letting it be known its an issue, or being upset and hurt a few days is understanable if its consistent denial without explanation. Respectful way to communicate that vs throwing a tantrum and being angry because the person didnt open their legs for you. Because a tantrum is going to turn off most anyone, let alone someone who only has sex for your sake. Now can people misuse the term tantrum? Sure. Doesnt sound like it was in the post I referenced though.
  24. Telecaster68

    Please help. Is my bf asexual?

    I don't think so as they have no interest in partnered sex, but who knows. His orientation is almost irrelevant in your situation though. He's making it a malignant relationship, regardless of reason.
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