I don't know what to think or do, what is your opinion?

[WhatAPlayer]

Hello AVEN users i've recently gotten into a relationship with a girl that believes she's asexual. we're both 16 and have been together for almost half a year now. I really like her a i would willingly sacrifice my sex life for her, since i am 16 i haven't had sex yet, neither has she, but i'm naturally curious and have always wondered how sex was, so the idea of never having sex kind of scares me. I don't know what to think of the situation other than i'll never have sex if that means i'll get to stay in a good relationship with her. But it gets hard since i am in a time with a lot of hormones and such going through my body, so when ever i have any sort of "dirty" thought i about her i feel disrespectful towards her and i just want to control the feelings i get. I don't know what to make of my situation other that see what time brings but i wouldn't make her do something she doesn't want. I'm mostly posting this so i can hear other peoples opinions on my situation.

Also the reason she believes she's asexual is that she finds sex gross weird and unnatural which i respect.

[Leelian]

Well, I would suggest your girlfriend creating an AVEN account and exploring if she hasn't done so already. And it might be good for you to swing by the For Sexual Partners, Friends, Allies subforum and look around, maybe talk to some sexual partners of asexuals. Check out the Sexual Compromise & Support thread.

You say you're 16 and full of hormones, which is normal, and that your girlfriend is 16 and grossed out by sex. Have you two discussed why? There could be room for a little sexual compromise, but only she would know how she feels about that. As for feeling disrespectful about those 'dirty' thoughts you feel towards her, just talk to her about it. It might not even be disrespectful at all, especially considering we don't always have control over our subconscious. But once again, this is all just my opinion, your girlfriend may feel like compromise is not an option on her end, and that is completely fine. However, you do not seem like you want to to completely forgo sex either, and that is also fine.

I will say this (and I feel old for saying this only at 20 myself): that you two are young and don't need to worry about how things are going to be like forty years from now. Your girlfriend's feelings may change, they may not. Same with your feelings about the situation. I suggest a lot of communication between you two.

[cdrdash]

Here is my opinion for what its worth ...

Its great that you respect her feelings and are willing to give up sex for her but do let her know about your feelings about sex and how your hormones are affecting you. As the relationship develops further you may discover that it simply won't work for you to sacrifice sex. She needs to know that this is a possibility. If this happens later in the relationship, perhaps you are important enough to her that she will compromise and be willing to give sex a try just for your sake. Or she may be willing for you to have a sex buddy just so you can try it. Who knows. The key is to communicate openly and honestly about where both of you are in the present moment and work with that. Relationships change and grow and you can't really predict what is going to change. I guess I'm saying concentrate on the now and don't worry about "never having sex." Things can and do change in relationships. Although don't count on her to change to what you want. She may come to be sure she is asexual and that she never wants sex or she may discover that she is not actually asexual and it was something else causing her feelings about sex. But you can't predict the future so just work with what you have now.

[WhatAPlayer]

Well, I would suggest your girlfriend creating an AVEN account and exploring if she hasn't done so already. And it might be good for you to swing by the For Sexual Partners, Friends, Allies subforum and look around, maybe talk to some sexual partners of asexuals. Check out the Sexual Compromise & Support thread.

She hasn't made an account but has looked through the website, and i have also looked at the For Sexual Partners, Friends, Allies subforum.

As for feeling disrespectful about those 'dirty' thoughts you feel towards her, just talk to her about it. It might not even be disrespectful at all, especially considering we don't always have control over our subconscious.

I've asked her what she finds gross about sex, and she doesn't really know, she just finds it weird and unnatural. I've mentioned the "dirty" thoughts i have and she says she's fine with it and doesn't care, but i still feel disrespectful :/

You say you're 16 and full of hormones, which is normal, and that your girlfriend is 16 and grossed out by sex. Have you two discussed why? There could be room for a little sexual compromise.

A compromise is nothing i worry about at the time we are only 16 things can change and we've only been together for half a year, so with a sexual or asexual girlfriend sex is nothing i'd worry about at the time. The thing i worry about is if we stay together for a very long time (which i hope we will) then i'd not be expecting any sex or may not experience it at all, and i don't know what to think of that but i'm willing to let go of sex if that's what she wants.

I will say this (and I feel old for saying this only at 20 myself): that you two are young and don't need to worry about how things are going to be like forty years from now. Your girlfriend's

feelings may change, they may not. Same with your feelings about the situation. I suggest a lot of communication between you two.

We try to keep as much communication as we can, we're both very open to questions which has helped me a lot since i can ask her almost anything and get an honest answer back.

Here is my opinion for what its worth ...

Its great that you respect her feelings and are willing to give up sex for her but do let her know about your feelings about sex and how your hormones are affecting you. As the relationship develops further you may discover that it simply won't work for you to sacrifice sex. She needs to know that this is a possibility. If this happens later in the relationship, perhaps you are important enough to her that she will compromise and be willing to give sex a try just for your sake. Or she may be willing for you to have a sex buddy just so you can try it. Who knows. The key is to communicate openly and honestly about where both of you are in the present moment and work with that. Relationships change and grow and you can't really predict what is going to change. I guess I'm saying concentrate on the now and don't worry about "never having sex." Things can and do change in relationships. Although don't count on her to change to what you want. She may come to be sure she is asexual and that she never wants sex or she may discover that she is not actually asexual and it was something else causing her feelings about sex. But you can't predict the future so just work with what you have now.

Thanks i appreciate our opinion :) we do both try our best to be open and honest, and i try to not predict the future, as you say things can change, i'm just making sure i don't get my hopes up for nothing :)

[Sockstealingnome]

First of all, you're both 16. The chances of you guys staying together forever are pretty slim. Go ahead and yell at me for saying that. My point is, you could still very well have sex in the future.

This sounds like something I've heard from religious nuts who use it as argument as to why women need to cover up. Not saying you are one, it just made me think of that, and my response to them is the same I'll be giving to you. There is nothing wrong with having sexual thoughts and fantasies. It's your mind. Think as you please. You are only responsible for your actions.

[Leelian]

Well I mean, like cdrash said, things naturally change over time. If you two are still together 20 years from now, maybe she'll be more open to the idea of sex. What we're trying to tell you is just to relax some, nothing is definite yet. There are plenty of options that neither of you need to explore yet (keep in mind your local government's legal age of consent).

If she's fine with your 'dirty' thoughts, than it's fine. I'm fine with my boyfriend's 'dirty' thoughts about me, because well, it's me he's ultimately thinking of, and not someone else. Though, as long as it stays an unfulfilled fantasy...anything goes. Sexual thoughts are normal, nonsexual thoughts are normal too. Just keep communicating with each other and let her know how you feel too. You both have a 50/50 say in the relationship. Your feelings and needs matter too in the relationship.

Also, I do really recommend her creating an account and talking with some of us. She can hear our stories and explore herself openly here. It helped me greatly to talk to some people that felt the exact same way I did about sex and asexuality.

[Guest]

Are you in the market for a wife at age 16? Why would you commit to someone with whom you're a bad match at an age that has got to make you realize you won't be together forever? I mean, do you think you just have ridiculously bad luck and that you have to stick with the very first person you dated? Why is staying together a good idea?

This reminds me of a quote from Janeane Garofalo... I can't find the exact quote, but it's something like "I don't understand the people who marry their high school sweethearts. It's like they closed the door, sat crosslegged on the floor and declared they are done with all new life experiences."

There's nothing wrong with growing apart, which is what you guys did. One of you developed a sexual appetite and the other didn't. I suggest you redefine the relationship as a friendship.

[Sally]

i would willingly sacrifice my sex life for her, since i am 16 i haven't had sex yet,

Think about that for a while. You would willingly sacrifice something that you have no experience of? How can you know just what a sacrifice that would be?

You're 16. Things could look VERY different when you're 20.

[WhenSummersGone]

i would willingly sacrifice my sex life for her, since i am 16 i haven't had sex yet,

Think about that for a while. You would willingly sacrifice something that you have no experience of? How can you know just what a sacrifice that would be?

You're 16. Things could look VERY different when you're 20.

I agree. Even as a Demisexual I was curious on some small level about having sex.

[WhatAPlayer]

Are you in the market for a wife at age 16? Why would you commit to someone with whom you're a bad match at an age that has got to make you realize you won't be together forever? I mean, do you think you just have ridiculously bad luck and that you have to stick with the very first person you dated? Why is staying together a good idea?

This reminds me of a quote from Janeane Garofalo... I can't find the exact quote, but it's something like "I don't understand the people who marry their high school sweethearts. It's like they closed the door, sat crosslegged on the floor and declared they are done with all new life experiences."

There's nothing wrong with growing apart, which is what you guys did. One of you developed a sexual appetite and the other didn't. I suggest you redefine the relationship as a friendship.

Neither of us has changed from when we met, we haven't grown apart. This post is based on my wishful thinking that i'll be staying with her for the rest of my life, it might seem weird but that's the way i feel. Last of all staying together is a good idea in my honest opinion because we both care for each other, we work extremely well together, we're both as insane and weird as the other, and i wouldn't trade her for anything.

Thanks all for the input i really do appreciate your opinions :)

First of all, you're both 16. The chances of you guys staying together forever are pretty slim. Go ahead and yell at me for saying that. My point is, you could still very well have sex in the future.

This sounds like something I've heard from religious nuts who use it as argument as to why women need to cover up. Not saying you are one, it just made me think of that, and my response to them is the same I'll be giving to you. There is nothing wrong with having sexual thoughts and fantasies. It's your mind. Think as you please. You are only responsible for your actions.

I realize the the chances are slim but i made this post based on my wishful thinking we'll be staying together :)

i would willingly sacrifice my sex life for her, since i am 16 i haven't had sex yet,

Think about that for a while. You would willingly sacrifice something that you have no experience of? How can you know just what a sacrifice that would be?

You're 16. Things could look VERY different when you're 20.

I agree. Even as a Demisexual I was curious on some small level about having sex.

I think that it'll actually be easier for me to sacrifice something i haven't experienced, instead of sacrificing something i'll then be used to and be wanting most of the time.

But as most others have pointed out things are subject to change and i don't think i can do much other than seeing what time brings.

[Lady Girl]

I agree that not many first loves stay together, but I also think some are very happy if they do, there's all kinds of stories on both sides of that. I think for you it could potentially be a bit harder to do, but I also think you'll know if it's going to be a realistic possibility in the next couple years. For now, you want to be with her, so maybe just go ahead and enjoy the relationship and don't worry too much about the future. Give it some time, and if you think you want to marry her, then maybe address these issues again.

Edit: I see you just posted about giving it time, I agree. :)

[Guest]

Fair enough. I'll share with you the two couples I know who dated in high school and are still together.

Couple #1 went to high school with me and we were all in the same circle of friends. They broke up and dated other people thru college, and then had a long distance relationship in grad school. She is now a doctor. They are both 35 and very happy together.

Couple #2 I met in grad school... or, I met the guy half of the couple. He and his gf were together since high school, but were polyamorous and also attended schools in different states. During grad school they broke up and both had long term relationships with other people. I remember right before we graduated, they got back together, which is when I finally met her. They ended up getting married and have two children. He is a lawyer and she is an archeologist.

My ex and I also went to schools in different states, had an open relationship, and broke up for awhile. We were together 8 years.

All I'm saying is, pursue life with fervor. "Sacrifice" isn't something you should be worrying about. If it's meant to be, it will be. I know this because it actually does happen.

[Chardog]

Just enjoy the here and now. Things may change in time, either in your relationship status or sex drive, but just go with the flow and let it happen... PS- There's nothing wrong with hoping you'll be with your high school sweetheart forever. Mine didn't last and it has taken me another half lifetime to find someone who gets me the way he did (I was 15 then, 32 when I met the current SO).