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The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)


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I just kinda realized something about myself, (from a conversation in the how did you know you were aromantic thread). It is kinda odd: the idea of sex doesn't scare me (It is sorta gross, but, not scary), but the idea of dating, however, is terrifying and I really don't want it. Anyone else feel like this? That a sexual relationship is less repulsive than a romantic one? And obviously, this question goes out to the aromantics.

Not that I want a sexual relationship or anything. It is just less bad than a romantic one.

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Stormharrier

I just kinda realized something about myself, (from a conversation in the how did you know you were aromantic thread). It is kinda odd: the idea of sex doesn't scare me (It is sorta gross, but, not scary), but the idea of dating, however, is terrifying and I really don't want it. Anyone else feel like this? That a sexual relationship is less repulsive than a romantic one? And obviously, this question goes out to the aromantics.

Not that I want a sexual relationship or anything. It is just less bad than a romantic one.

I'm kind of the same, I think. I'm a bit weirded out by people being sexually attracted to me but as long as they don't actually try anything with me then that's fine. Whereas people being romantically attracted to me makes me want to run away and hide, and I'm super uncomfortable around them until I think they've lost interest.

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All.Is.ONE.Is.All

Hello everyone!

I was referred to this thread after expressing how I wished there was a thread for Aros! What a coincidence.... Or was it? GASP!

Anyway, I'm a recently realized Aro-Ace so I'm still figuring some things out. So I'm super happy I was invited to this thread and look forward to discussing random topics with all of you! :)

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I just kinda realized something about myself, (from a conversation in the how did you know you were aromantic thread). It is kinda odd: the idea of sex doesn't scare me (It is sorta gross, but, not scary), but the idea of dating, however, is terrifying and I really don't want it. Anyone else feel like this? That a sexual relationship is less repulsive than a romantic one? And obviously, this question goes out to the aromantics.

Not that I want a sexual relationship or anything. It is just less bad than a romantic one.

I'd have to agree. If someone desires sexual relations with me, it is a tad creepy and unwanted, but I can shrug it off. If they desire romantic relations, however...well, then it feels as though I've been put in a position where I have to break their heart.

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azhdarchidaen

Hello, everyone! I was referred over here after an introductory post. Do you mind if I just join you all?

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I just kinda realized something about myself, (from a conversation in the how did you know you were aromantic thread). It is kinda odd: the idea of sex doesn't scare me (It is sorta gross, but, not scary), but the idea of dating, however, is terrifying and I really don't want it. Anyone else feel like this? That a sexual relationship is less repulsive than a romantic one? And obviously, this question goes out to the aromantics.

Not that I want a sexual relationship or anything. It is just less bad than a romantic one.

Absolutely, because I haven't a clue what's involved in romance. I wouldn't intentionaly hurt someone and that kind of interest seems so fragile and thus people in its grips are. When I think someone is viewing me as a potential partner, I either just keep my distance or run away entirely. In the case of coworkers it has gotten very uncomfortable and I can't relax around them until I know they are in a relationship, prefferably a commited one. Marriage makes very little sense to me but when I see that ring on someone's finger I get much more relaxed in their company.

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I feel like I might wind up doing something like this to someone if I start a relationship with them. Of course, doing it right away is less painful then if a relationship has started.

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Mezzo Forte

So how do you, fellow aro/aces, deal with the beach? I do think it's utterly pointless (and somewhat boring and dangerous, since the water/sand it's not necessarily clean).

I guess most people go to look at the semi-nude people and hit on them. [have managed to avoid beaches for about 10 years now o/]

I grew up biking distance from the beach, and I have a twin who absolutely loves beaches, so I guess my relationship with it is somewhat unique. In some ways, I find natural beaches quite beautiful, but only when they're not grossly overpopulated or reek of human tampering, but my sister likes the beach as an incredibly social setting in addition to her general love of being in the ocean. I also have a soft spot for certain types of water sports like kayaking and sailing, but I generally have a tendency to prefer being around the water instead of necessarily in it.

Since my friends love people watching, I find myself at overpopulated beaches way more than I ever would have otherwise. To me, the people watching is somewhat boring and I'm in constant fear of sunburns (my skin is naturally very fair). I also don't really care for dressing in swimsuits. I've pretty much always worn swim trunks with my bathing suits, and more recently, I bought a swimshirt, so I can cover most of my skin even if I go in the water. I'm not bothered by others dressed in swimsuits though since I'm kinda desensitized to it being dragged to the beach constantly. At my university, I'm a few hours away from any beaches, I believe, and my twin goes to a different university so it's only an issue in my home town. Beaches aren't exactly my first choice leisure location, even if I eventually gained some capacity to enjoy them.

I guess the people-watching part becomes pointless when you're not interested in people sexually or romantically, especially when most of them basically turn it into a game of I Spy: Boobs Edition. I'm kinda desensitized to boob conversations though thanks to my childhood friends, so it's just more of the same thing at varying locations.

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I guess the people-watching part becomes pointless when you're not interested in people sexually or romantically, especially when most of them basically turn it into a game of I Spy: Boobs Edition. I'm kinda desensitized to boob conversations though thanks to my childhood friends, so it's just more of the same thing at varying locations.

This... yeah, i always though that "people-watching" was rude. I do have problems with sunburns too... have to use those sunblocks with very high factors of protection.

But i admit that I'm not a "nature" guy, can't really find trees, beaches and so on beautiful, i make an exception to cold/snowy places though.

The issue with swimsuits is the feeling that you are "putting yourself on sale" and might be "rated" for how you look (and i do bother with this more than i should). Interesting that somehow you guys have no problem with it, i thought some of you would be asked (or having people hit on you) or something like that, but, maybe the "asexual aura" thing is kinda true, and people can feel that we are not into their game.

[[On a side note, the ace aura might be, perhaps, the other person feeling/perceiving that you are not interested in them, not looking, not showing any kind of reaction, perhaps? I guess i could even say that there is an "aro aura" too, if that makes any sense.]]

--

I'm sorry for kinda killing the thread raising this beach discussion.

Maybe talking about feeling alienated with the "the only way to happiness is with a relationship" makes a better topic? Always felt that if that's the only way, perhaps i have to abandon happiness at all. Why is that? Why people say that we have to pursuit happiness and struck this as being the "only way" to "true" happiness... I still feel somewhat disturbed with all this. Thankfully i found AVEN an so on, and i can't even begin to thank you all enough, but anyway, thank you :D .

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Lambda Corvus

<...>

Maybe talking about feeling alienated with the "the only way to happiness is with a relationship" makes a better topic? Always felt that if that's the only way, perhaps i have to abandon happiness at all. Why is that? Why people say that we have to pursuit happiness and struck this as being the "only way" to "true" happiness... I still feel somewhat disturbed with all this. Thankfully i found AVEN an so on, and i can't even begin to thank you all enough, but anyway, thank you :D .

That is said because most people are made happy by (romantic) relationships. What they know is:

relationship => happy

Except they also seem to reverse the direction of implication, mistakenly believing:

happy => relationship

Thus, what they end up believing is:

happy <=> relationship

Really, it is just people being naive, presuming everybody else is exactly like them, have the same needs, and experience the same things. "I experience this and am happy by it; you don't experience this so you are obviously unhappy."

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<...>

Maybe talking about feeling alienated with the "the only way to happiness is with a relationship" makes a better topic? Always felt that if that's the only way, perhaps i have to abandon happiness at all. Why is that? Why people say that we have to pursuit happiness and struck this as being the "only way" to "true" happiness... I still feel somewhat disturbed with all this. Thankfully i found AVEN an so on, and i can't even begin to thank you all enough, but anyway, thank you :D .

That is said because most people are made happy by (romantic) relationships. What they know is:

relationship => happy

Except they also seem to reverse the direction of implication, mistakenly believing:

happy => relationship

Thus, what they end up believing is:

happy <=> relationship

Really, it is just people being naive, presuming everybody else is exactly like them, have the same needs, and experience the same things. "I experience this and am happy by it; you don't experience this so you are obviously unhappy."

But i can use the very same arguments to state that cake = happiness.

And they get upset by this, even if they like cake!

And even if i point out things that they like (or say they really like) better than having relationships, they can't accept it. It "must" be the romantic/sexual path for everyone, "it's the only fair way", "it's the natural way", "it's what god/nature commands us to do" and so on. I should be sad at them, for being so "blocked" with the concept of happiness. The bad aspect of all this is that they keep pushing those rules in our heads over and over, till we feel broken. (At least that is my experience)

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Lambda Corvus

<...>

Maybe talking about feeling alienated with the "the only way to happiness is with a relationship" makes a better topic? Always felt that if that's the only way, perhaps i have to abandon happiness at all. Why is that? Why people say that we have to pursuit happiness and struck this as being the "only way" to "true" happiness... I still feel somewhat disturbed with all this. Thankfully i found AVEN an so on, and i can't even begin to thank you all enough, but anyway, thank you :D .

That is said because most people are made happy by (romantic) relationships. What they know is:

relationship => happy

Except they also seem to reverse the direction of implication, mistakenly believing:

happy => relationship

Thus, what they end up believing is:

happy <=> relationship

Really, it is just people being naive, presuming everybody else is exactly like them, have the same needs, and experience the same things. "I experience this and am happy by it; you don't experience this so you are obviously unhappy."

But i can use the very same arguments to state that cake = happiness.

And they get upset by this, even if they like cake!

And even if i point out things that they like (or say they really like) better than having relationships, they can't accept it. It "must" be the romantic/sexual path for everyone, "it's the only fair way", "it's the natural way", "it's what god/nature commands us to do" and so on. I should be sad at them, for being so "blocked" with the concept of happiness. The bad aspect of all this is that they keep pushing those rules in our heads over and over, till we feel broken. (At least that is my experience)

Well, of course they won't take it seriously. To them, a "broken" person saying they aren't broken is an argument falling upon deaf ears. The game is rigged from the start. You cannot win with people whose minds are far too narrow to comprehend that different people exist. You could state that you are experiencing extreme happiness, but they will reject that because they have established that you are not happy. There's no way to prove happiness, for how do you prove emotion conclusively?

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So how do you, fellow aro/aces, deal with the beach? I do think it's utterly pointless (and somewhat boring and dangerous, since the water/sand it's not necessarily clean).

I guess most people go to look at the semi-nude people and hit on them. [have managed to avoid beaches for about 10 years now o/]

I personally love the beach or anything having to do with water. I do however always seek out the least populated spots. I love the smells associated with bodies of water, both the fresh ones and the particular kinds of decaying odors that happen around water. I love a long solitary walk up a beach. To avoid the other users, I often go at dusk or in the evening and I really enjoy the fall to winter season on a New England beach. So desolately pretty. The wind at the beach is like no other wind. My favorite thing is looking out to the horizon, it is so vast as to be serene. Also, I love that you can just see the curvature of the earth on that horizon. It gives me that true sense of standing on a ball of matter, held only by gravity and motion as we whizz through the infinity of space. It's the biggest space for my mind to be and the best reminder of my own smallness. I saw a movie once that posed the question "If you could have only one memory to take with you into eternity, what would you chose?" I would chose a moment like I just described. Me alone on the edge of the surf, wind in my face and the enormity of the universe stretching out before and around me!

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Well, of course they won't take it seriously. To them, a "broken" person saying they aren't broken is an argument falling upon deaf ears. The game is rigged from the start. You cannot win with people whose minds are far too narrow to comprehend that different people exist. You could state that you are experiencing extreme happiness, but they will reject that because they have established that you are not happy. There's no way to prove happiness, for how do you prove emotion conclusively?

You don't need to get this reaction stating that you are an aro/ace. You know, even posing as a sexual/romantic person they often deny how "other things" that make you happy can make you "happier" than relationships. How do you measure it? Well, it's up to the person, but you could attribute this to a sort of "tax of happiness". I'm avoiding to vomit math all over this, but anyway, it's like trying to describe, in intensity to that person, how happy she/he was when he did this or that. And put this into a graph over time, and taking the "area" under each event to somehow manage to quantify it. It's way less precise and rational than that, but it's doable.

I guess we can prove that the person is happy with not only releases of pleasure enzymes, but also rating their reactions. And, again, we are comparing a "tax of happiness" over two or more distinct events that happened/was perceived by the same person.

For instance, i will call the subject "Adam":

Adam is engaged in a romantic relationship with his girlfriend.

Adam is happy (rated medium by him) on the weekends that he spent with her, but usually, he get into fights and argues with his gf, causing Adam to be also sad/raged sometimes.

Adam does martial arts (Judo) every week too, and he loves it (rated as high happiness by him), and even when he take some damage or lose a fight, he seem to be more compelled to get better at it, so it doesn't affect his happiness that much (as stated by him).

So, let's say he spend the same amount of time with Judo as he spend with his girlfriend, if we compare the "time taxes of happiness", or the "area" of the graphic plotted as a function of happiness over time, it's not weird to say that "Adam is happier doing martial arts than he is being with his girlfriend", so, it's also not strange to say "Doing martial arts is a better font of happiness to Adam".

Did i make any fatal mistake with that? I don't need to be aro/ace to state that relationships are not the golden juice for everyone (we have MGTOW, Hikikomoris/Neets, and all sorts of things to show that). But yet, even when i go this far discussing with them, people start to use the "it's not like that..." and etc.

(or indeed use the "you just don't know because you never had it" argument, if the person knows that I'm aro/ace)

(I wonder if they say this out of fear that they might diminish their own partners, but this happens even with people without partners, so... i dunno. It really reeks of "overrated" thing)

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Mezzo Forte

The thing that's sad to me is that if anyone insinuated that someone received more happiness from an activity than from a romantic relationship, then that person is selfish or that the relationship isn't legitimate. I remember one of the stupidest things I ever heard from a romantic partner was when one of them claimed to be jealous of the book I was reading because I was giving it more attention than I was giving him. I don't think that kind of "relationships must be your #1 priority 24/7" mentality is good for anyone, including romantics.

Lucky me, people tend to see how happy my music makes me and nobody has questioned it to my face beyond someone claiming that my desire to "get a doctorate so I can officially marry my work" is depressing. Yes, love is a powerful emotion, but it is not an emotion unique to romantic love, and insinuating that my love is any less valid because it isn't romantic comes from an incredibly narrow capacity to understand perspectives that differ from their own personal world view.

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Any time I've learned about folks who have become masters of their craft there is one recurring theme. Intense dedication and foccus. I suppose if your goal in life is to be the best spouse ever then that has a nobility of its own. But, that does not mean that people who pursue other dreams are lacking in anything.

In my one long term relationship my ex would become jealous of just about everything that held my attention. Music, books, friends, my art or musical production, bikes anything. I have no way of knowing if that was normal or if it was a result of my total lack of ability as a romantic partner. I was happy when she'd find other things to think about beyond me. In fact her dumping me was the best thing that ever happened to me!

I always was and am currently, so much happier on my own!

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The Not So Impossible Girl

Man, all this talk about the beach... I feel like every year, when the weather gets warm, I get some kind of increase in my romantic drive, but it's ALL lithromantic. And endless daydreaming...
I'M SO INTERESTED IN ROMANCE RIGHT NOW GUYS. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY???

But I still have no desire to BE in a relationship. Still goin' on the whole demiromantic, "waiting for the right person", gig. *sigh*

So is it actually possible to consider oneself both lithromantic and demiromantic at the same time?

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Hallo, I'm in too!

In 24 years I've never had a crush, only squishes and before knowing that they exist :P

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Man, all this talk about the beach... I feel like every year, when the weather gets warm, I get some kind of increase in my romantic drive, but it's ALL lithromantic. And endless daydreaming...

I'M SO INTERESTED IN ROMANCE RIGHT NOW GUYS. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY???

But I still have no desire to BE in a relationship. Still goin' on the whole demiromantic, "waiting for the right person", gig. *sigh*

So is it actually possible to consider oneself both lithromantic and demiromantic at the same time?

I consider myself asexual and demi/grey at the same time....so if that's possible anything is.

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Lambda Corvus

Man, all this talk about the beach... I feel like every year, when the weather gets warm, I get some kind of increase in my romantic drive, but it's ALL lithromantic. And endless daydreaming...

I'M SO INTERESTED IN ROMANCE RIGHT NOW GUYS. WHAT IS THIS SORCERY???

But I still have no desire to BE in a relationship. Still goin' on the whole demiromantic, "waiting for the right person", gig. *sigh*

So is it actually possible to consider oneself both lithromantic and demiromantic at the same time?

I consider myself asexual and demi/grey at the same time....so if that's possible anything is.

Very interesting...

Anything, you say? Even ... WORLD DOMINATION!

So, what do all of us in this thread do? For work, school, or as a hobby?

I am, first and foremost, a computer science student, about to be just a computer scientist for a few months while I transition to graduate school, which I am very excited about. That is also my 'work', as a teaching assistant and tutour, for which the state pays me minimum wage. That does not make me so happy.

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So, what do all of us in this thread do? For work, school, or as a hobby?

I am, first and foremost, a computer science student, about to be just a computer scientist for a few months while I transition to graduate school, which I am very excited about. That is also my 'work', as a teaching assistant and tutour, for which the state pays me minimum wage. That does not make me so happy.

College/University in Mechanical Engineering, facing the hardest subjects right now.

Trying some applications to related jobs in two different companies, one in the turbo/diesel dept. and another in the (offshore/onshore) equipment maintenance.

Hope i get in the turbo/diesel dept, the company looks so much better and stable, also my closer friends work or worked there, so i would be glad to join the team. The interview had a really great feedback, but the final response may take a while.

Hobbies, well, mostly anime and japanese music (specially vocaloid ones). Sometimes i play rhythm games too, usually OSU/Osumania!. I have some little side projects here and there, but most of them were put aside since this shall be the most difficult semester in college. I'm trying to focus on it.

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Mezzo Forte

CVery interesting...

Anything, you say? Even ... WORLD DOMINATION!

So, what do all of us in this thread do? For work, school, or as a hobby?

I am, first and foremost, a computer science student, about to be just a computer scientist for a few months while I transition to graduate school, which I am very excited about. That is also my 'work', as a teaching assistant and tutour, for which the state pays me minimum wage. That does not make me so happy.

I guess my way of spending my time isn't too far removed from yours if you replace "computer science" with "music", though I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had better teachers when I was first exposed to computer classes (when your tests ask you to memorize what every button in MS Excel does, it's easy to feel like you suck with computers). My dad studied computer science, and he's told me plenty of times that I think like a programmer and wishes that I would actually take a computer science class and see it for myself. (Not that he has a problem with my music at all.)

But yeah, I'm a wee bit obsessed with my music. I practice constantly, listen to percussion repertoire in my spare time for fun, I'm trying to get myself to compose (officially started lessons with a doctorate student last week), I improvise sometimes, and I actually enjoy theory, history, and ethnomusicology. Even in other art forms, I find myself analyzing the relationship that the music has with the work in its entirety when it's relevant (ie: games, film, theatre, ballet, and so on) and when provoked, I can nerd out for days on end!

Other than that, I'm an Internet nerd and a gaming nerd, and when my sister's around, I tend to actually have a social life too. I also have a soft spot for sailing (as in with actual sailboats) and kayaking, but I don't get to do those very often unfortunately.

I guess being aromantic, asexual, and an agnostic-atheist means that most of the basic components of my identity are based on an absence of something, so having a present interest in something feels more significantly like a part of me. (Hence why music had consumed most of my being.)

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I was a Math and Philosophy student undergrad and transitioned to Security Studies in Grad School - working on reconciling them all.

For fun, I do art and music - I'm probably happiest when listening/singing to good music (a relative term I know), and I also do Krav Maga - Israeli self-defense.

I fully appreciate that we all have some nerd-pride going on this forum...

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Stormharrier

I program games for a living. I absolutely love it! Though I do kind of want to find out what it's like working for a non-games company, to see if I'd enjoy that too. Not that I want leave my job, but it'd be a useful thing to know for if the company sank (as games companies have a habit of doing).

Hobby-wise, I also program games for fun sometimes too (because apparently spending eight hours a day, five days a week, doing it isn't enough. Not that I've ever managed to make anything myself). Also I've taken up historical wargaming recently, so I play that every so often and should probably get round to painting my army at some point too.

I have to say though, that idea that people apparently sometimes have that aros/aces/single people have loads of spare time on their hands is total rubbish! I have barely any time at all, between tidying my flat, looking after my rats, and daydreaming. Okay so maybe I should do less daydreaming, but time just seems to shoot past these days. I think I'm getting old.

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ZombiesAsAMetaphor

So, what do all of us in this thread do? For work, school, or as a hobby?

I am, first and foremost, a computer science student, about to be just a computer scientist for a few months while I transition to graduate school, which I am very excited about. That is also my 'work', as a teaching assistant and tutour, for which the state pays me minimum wage. That does not make me so happy.

I'm a pool lifeguard on the weekends, and a university student every other day.

I'm studying visual communication design (or graphic design) and animation, which are – shockingly enough – closely related with what I like to do during my free time. So when I'm not studying (or banging my head against the wall, trying to make a good design come out) I'm drawing.

If I'm not doing either of those things, I'm usually reading or playing video games, which are my other great loves.

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I guess my way of spending my time isn't too far removed from yours if you replace "computer science" with "music", though I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had better teachers when I was first exposed to computer classes (when your tests ask you to memorize what every button in MS Excel does, it's easy to feel like you suck with computers). My dad studied computer science, and he's told me plenty of times that I think like a programmer and wishes that I would actually take a computer science class and see it for myself. (Not that he has a problem with my music at all.)

You'd be surprised how often comp sci and music overlap. And the very base, both music and CompSci are rooted in math. Electronica, DubStep, Vocaloids, Synthesizers and more are all from a cross of computers and music. Heck, if you look on youtube, you can find people making old computer hardware (like a dot matrix printer) play music.

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Mezzo Forte

You'd be surprised how often comp sci and music overlap. And the very base, both music and CompSci are rooted in math. Electronica, DubStep, Vocaloids, Synthesizers and more are all from a cross of computers and music. Heck, if you look on youtube, you can find people making old computer hardware (like a dot matrix printer) play music.

I'm actually pretty familiar with plenty of those ideas already, especially since I have composer friends who are into the electroacoustic scene and because of my interest in video game composition. At the moment, I'm more of an acoustic musician though, so for the most part, my tech I use isn't too difficult to figure out, especially since I've been mostly just using notation software. Intersectionality of disciplines can be a pretty interesting concept though thinking about it.

Also, fun fact: music was primarily associated with mathematics up until the Renaissance, and if you look at some 20th/21st century music, the entire language essentially returned to mathematics with concepts of set theory and twelve-tone serialism (it's awful: I've gone so long without needing math that I'm getting nostalgic just because I'm studying music theory that requires basic arithmetic to figure out. I don't even like how Schoenberg's music sounds, but the math is strangely fun.)

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Well, for work (to earn a living) I'm an Art Handler at a local contemporary art museum. In my free time I do long distance walking, writing, daydreaming, thinking, urban biking, all kinds of art and experimental sound/music. I love watching documentaries or reading non fiction too. I just bought a sailboat to live on too so my time is starting to be filled with all things sailing.

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OhThereYouArePerry

I'm studying Electrical Engineering, currently in 2nd year at college. It isn't what I love, but I don't completely hate it either, so I guess it isn't a total loss...if I did only what I wanted, I'd be studying arabic history, chess and abstract maths, but I don't think there's any course or college that'd allow for such a weird combination of subjects ! Going back to the main topic of the thread, I've never wanted any romantic relationship. What I really wanted (and still want) is just a single best friend whom I can simply hang out with, discuss anything and everything with and fully trust, and yet not have to make any grandiose declarations of "love" to. All the clingy-ness and urgh..cuddling inherent to a romantic relationship seems just too unnecessary and off-putting. Platonicity is the best !

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