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Lambda Corvus

The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

Recommended Posts

Treehugger42
On 08/09/2017 at 3:35 AM, melisestel said:

I've been starting to feel kind of lonely and frustrated because I feel like I don't have a lot in common with my friends right now because I have two best friends and the one is in this brand new relationship like I just said and the other is getting married next month. So it's a lot of relationship talk and I'm feeling kind of alone because I don't care to talk about that stuff. Like I feel like the two of them have a lot in common right now and I'm kind of on the outside. (It really doesn't help that I have conflicted feelings about their S.O.'s so I'm not able to just be like super happy for them like i was for my sister when she got married. Instead i really don't want to talk about relationships at all because I feel like I've said all i can say and I don't really have a strong footing to be giving relationship advice from, being someone who doesn't experience sexual or romantic attraction. It's easy for me to point to flaws a), b), and c) and say, 'Why are you letting him treat you that way? Drop him.' because I don't feel that attraction. Sigh.).

Yeah i completely get you. At point one of my best friends was having troubles with his gf so went to my other friend for advice even though they aren't that close but they didn't want to talk to me because " I wouldn't understand" which I get why he feels like that but it's nice to be included. 

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melisestel
On 24/09/2017 at 11:45 AM, Treehugger42 said:

Hi, a quick question. Do you come out to people and if so what do you come out as e.g. asexual, aro ace,  aromantic? 

 

I came out specifically because I am nearing 30 and I had just ended my first ever relationship and after a lot of soul searching and research had come to this amazing realization about being ace and aro and wanted to share it and also put to bed any inquiries along the lines of, so when are you going to start dating again?

 

I came out to my friends/family as asexual only at first, mostly because I didn't want to get into explaining the whole spectrum to them when it was still new to me too.

 

One of my friends was actually pretty familiar with asexuality though from some YouTubers he watches so i told him I'm aromantic also, but he keeps doubting me on that and saying he doesn't want me to 'close any doors' and I get that it's coming from a kind place but I still find it annoying and hurtful because he's the one person in my life who was actually somewhat educated on the attraction spectrums and he's the one doubting it. As I said to him recently, I'm not closing any doors, but that's just it - I was never opening them to begin with, never seeking out relationships, why not? Hey, now I know it's because I'm aro. I'm not changing anything I'm doing, I'm just feeling happier to understand myself better. He's still not sold. Sigh.

 

I have told my other best friend about being aromantic also, and we've discussed relationships and why to seek them out and what you get from them, etc. And she hasn't tried to change my mind or contradict me.

 

But I haven't told my family about being aromantic, because I don't think they'd get it. They seem to have accepted that I'm ace, but my dad still feels sad that I'm not going to have a partner to share my life with and keeps trying to tell me "well, can't you find someone like you?"

 

I may end up having to explain aromanticism to him. In the meantime I'm just trying to show him how happy and stable i can be alone and how I have all these platonic friend and family relationships to meet all the needs I have.

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BritishGentleman
On 18/08/2017 at 4:47 PM, Just like Jughead said:

OH MY GOODNESS I SHOWED THIS TO MY ROMANTIC FRIENDS A WHILE AGO WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO DIS MY PREFERENCE FOR PLATONIC LOVE.

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Tuple
On 11/14/2017 at 6:47 PM, BritishGentleman said:
On 8/18/2017 at 1:47 PM, Just like Jughead said:

OH MY GOODNESS I SHOWED THIS TO MY ROMANTIC FRIENDS A WHILE AGO WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO DIS MY PREFERENCE FOR PLATONIC LOVE.

 

I just read the article and I really enjoyed it. It's very interesting.

 

Reading the article reminded me of my parents. My parents have told me that they were very close friends and decided to marry because of their friendship. They never mentioned being in love with each other. From what I can tell, my parents have a deep platonic love for each other but there doesn't seem to be much romantic love. I can probably count on my fingers that number of times I've seen my parents show intimacy with each other like holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. My parents have been happily married for nearly 50 years so their approach must be working. I've never seen my parents have an argument or a fight (either they don't have them or they do that when nobody is around).

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NoLongerHuman
On 1/18/2014 at 10:45 AM, Krampus said:

Does anyone else feel ill at ease cuddling? I just feel like I don't know where to put my body and sort of hang about his shoulders like I'm a little disinterested animal. I can't seem to get the hang of it.

1

Oh my god. You just made me think of myself when I was fourteen. I was dating this guy (he asked me out, and I figured, "Why not?") and he liked to hold me and put his arm around me and stuff, but when he did, I always felt extremely uncomfortable. I thought for a while that it was because we didn't have any chemistry, but I might have been acting on my aromantic instincts, even back then. Wow.

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NoLongerHuman
On 8/18/2017 at 4:47 PM, Just like Jughead said:
Quote

Fifth Fact: The ancient Greek philosopher Plato argued that the highest form of love was actually this non-sexual, non-romantic form of attachment to another person, this so-called “brotherly love.” Plato reasoned (correctly) that since passion and romance and sex often make us do ridiculous things that we regret, this sort of passionless love between two family members or between two close friends was the height of virtuous human experience. In fact, Plato, like most people in the ancient world, looked upon romantic love with skepticism, if not absolute horror.

 

See, this is why I love Plato so much. I'm especially fascinated by The Symposium, where Aristophanes talks about how people used to have double bodies, and there were three sexes: male/male, female/female, and male/female. They were very powerful beings, and when they tried to scale Olympus, Zeus chopped them in half. These "split-aparts" were left to chase after their other half, and created homosexual and heterosexual love. He also described homosexuals as the "bravest" and "most manly" of all, which totally denounces any homophobe that claims that a man is any less for loving another man.

 

I seriously, seriously love Plato.

 

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Space-Ace-Android

Hiya! I am just wondering if I am more Aromantic than romantic, as I would like to cuddle (Or hug, It seems comfy :p,) but not to kiss or anything further. I am curious as to what a kiss feels like, but I don't want to kiss yet. (DEFINITELY not tongue kissing, that seems gross, but if you like it,  das'* fine )

 

 

*Das': Abbreviation of 'that is'.

 

Have an Ace Day!

 

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Space-Ace-Android

Quote from essay on 'Why Romantic Love Kinda Sucks'

 

As humans, we instinctively develop a loyalty and affection for those who show us the most loyalty and affection. This is all love really is: an irrational degree of loyalty and affection for another person — to the point that we’d come to harm or even die for that person. It may sound insane, but it’s these symbiotic warm fuzzies that kept the species relying on one another long enough to survive the savannahs and populate the planet and invent Netflix.

 

Smiles at thoughts of not so secret squish. :) <3

 

Spoiler

I mean, just look at my profile picture, and my profile name. :P

If you like romantic love, that is fine, if you like tacos, that is fine, if you like Star Trek, that is fine (times 10) if you like to cuddle, that is fine, if you like stuff, that is fine.

 

Now go off and have a glorious day!

 

:cake:CAKE:cake:

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hippiecat
12 hours ago, Space-Ace-Android said:

Hiya! I am just wondering if I am more Aromantic than romantic, as I would like to cuddle (Or hug, It seems comfy :p,) but not to kiss or anything further. I am curious as to what a kiss feels like, but I don't want to kiss yet. (DEFINITELY not tongue kissing, that seems gross, but if you like it,  das'* fine )

 

 

*Das': Abbreviation of 'that is'.

 

Have an Ace Day!

 

Hi :) I don't think it matters too much if you like to cuddle/kiss or not - romantic orientation is more about (/not) wanting to be in a (romantic) relationship. So would you like to call someone your boyfriend/girlfriend/romantic partner or something? Or are you happy with just being friends (or  possibly a qpr - although I'm still a bit confused about the difference between a romantic relationship and a qpr). You can also think about wether you've ever had crushes or squishes on people and that can help discover your romantic orientation.

 

Don't stress too much about figuring things out right away, take your time ^^!

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Mattsun

Not exactly a question, I just need to... ramble.

I was in a long-distance relationship for almost a year; she asked me out and I said yes because I genuinely thought I loved her - well, I guess I did, but not in a romantic way. It just took me some more time to realize that - the fact that what I was feeling towards her was different from what she was feeling towards me. That I had actually never felt romantic love towards anyone and simply mistook strong platonic love for romantic love. And even then I was scared to tell her for a while since she's mentally ill and I was seriously scared of hurting her too much; I know it was seriously dumb to not tell her for so long, though. On the other hand, I really didn't want to lose her and I hoped that I would maybe develop those romantic feelings later - still, I feel so bad that I stayed silent for months. I eventually told her a few weeks ago that I might be aromantic and that it would probably be the best to break up, which we did. Recently I found her Twitter account by coincidence and found out she's in a relationship again, and on one hand I'm really happy for her. On the other hand she... apparently loves it to make fun of me and the breakup due to my possible aromanticism on her Twitter account which is really hurting me. I know she's definitely hurt too, but she makes it seem like I was trying to find an excuse for breaking up with her and that I'm not actually aromantic; and instead of talking to me about this (we haven't talked since we broke up), she's making those ironical blows against me on social media. She's quite vague, so the problem is not that I feel like she's publicly badmouthing me, but I get those hints and it makes me feel... incredibly bad, as if I'm literally the worst person on earth for having been in a relationship with her as an aromantic person. And it makes me scared of getting into a relationship ever again if I figure out I'm not aromantic after all... it would feel like I was lying to her.

I just feel so bad and I kinda wish this relationship would never have happened... I'm mentally ill myself and stuff like this makes me feel as if I'm just a piece of shit. But writing it all down makes it at least a bit better ;; Thank you for reading.

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NoLongerHuman
4 hours ago, Mattsun said:

Not exactly a question, I just need to... ramble.

I was in a long-distance relationship for almost a year; she asked me out and I said yes because I genuinely thought I loved her - well, I guess I did, but not in a romantic way. It just took me some more time to realize that - the fact that what I was feeling towards her was different from what she was feeling towards me. That I had actually never felt romantic love towards anyone and simply mistook strong platonic love for romantic love. And even then I was scared to tell her for a while since she's mentally ill and I was seriously scared of hurting her too much; I know it was seriously dumb to not tell her for so long, though. On the other hand, I really didn't want to lose her and I hoped that I would maybe develop those romantic feelings later - still, I feel so bad that I stayed silent for months. I eventually told her a few weeks ago that I might be aromantic and that it would probably be the best to break up, which we did. Recently I found her Twitter account by coincidence and found out she's in a relationship again, and on one hand I'm really happy for her. On the other hand she... apparently loves it to make fun of me and the breakup due to my possible aromanticism on her Twitter account which is really hurting me. I know she's definitely hurt too, but she makes it seem like I was trying to find an excuse for breaking up with her and that I'm not actually aromantic; and instead of talking to me about this (we haven't talked since we broke up), she's making those ironical blows against me on social media. She's quite vague, so the problem is not that I feel like she's publicly badmouthing me, but I get those hints and it makes me feel... incredibly bad, as if I'm literally the worst person on earth for having been in a relationship with her as an aromantic person. And it makes me scared of getting into a relationship ever again if I figure out I'm not aromantic after all... it would feel like I was lying to her.

I just feel so bad and I kinda wish this relationship would never have happened... I'm mentally ill myself and stuff like this makes me feel as if I'm just a piece of shit. But writing it all down makes it at least a bit better ;; Thank you for reading.

You're not a piece of shit; you were confused. I thought I was attracted to my boyfriend and then I found out that I only wanted to be in a relationship with him to please my inner narcissism. (That, for the record, is being a piece of shit.) When we broke up, he spread a lot of rumors about me concerning why I didn't want to have sex with him, and let's just say it was a bit more than annoying having to disclaim every person who asked me if I was a lesbian.

 

I'm not trying to say that my case is worse than yours; I'm only saying that we can't help how we feel. You obviously really cared for her, just not in a romantic sense, and if she wants to discard all of the time that you spent together just because you couldn't love her back, then she's in the wrong. It's not worth your time to try and convince her that you were telling the truth. If she knew you well enough, she would have believed you. You were honest with her, and that's really all you can do.

 

I hope you feel better. I don't want you to think that you're a bad person, because you didn't know, either.

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ThatHuman

Aromantic that feels platonic feeling to the same level as romantics feel romantic feelings...

 

My life makes alot more sense now - questioned if I was lithromantic - but then I realised I didn't experience romantic feelings in the first place... And the idea of getting married - no.

 

And pretty much everyone is my squish... DAMN YOU OVER LOVINGNESS! I LOVE EVERYONE?!

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hippiecat
6 hours ago, ThatHuman said:

And pretty much everyone is my squish... DAMN YOU OVER LOVINGNESS! I LOVE EVERYONE?!

I know right?? I'm pretty much in love with anyone who is a decent human being. Platonically, of course :wub:

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NoLongerHuman
On 12/2/2017 at 7:53 AM, ThatHuman said:

Aromantic that feels platonic feeling to the same level as romantics feel romantic feelings...

 

My life makes alot more sense now - questioned if I was lithromantic - but then I realised I didn't experience romantic feelings in the first place... And the idea of getting married - no.

 

And pretty much everyone is my squish... DAMN YOU OVER LOVINGNESS! I LOVE EVERYONE?!

I feel you. My squishes come at me so hard and so fast, they give me whiplash. I always mistook them for crushes until I realized that what I was feeling wasn't the same as what others were feeling - i.e., romantic attraction. It was so confusing.

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waddiwasi

Curiously, I don't think I've ever had a squish before. I have a few good friends who I love dearly (platonically). But that kind of developed over a long time?

...does this make me demi-platonic? :D

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WoodwindWhistler
On 12/2/2017 at 7:53 AM, ThatHuman said:

And pretty much everyone is my squish... DAMN YOU OVER LOVINGNESS! I LOVE EVERYONE?!

Yeah, this is my general ethos. I mean, it has exceptions, (I'm more attached to some people than others) but more a lot of the time I feel like that meme that says "My niceness is often read as flirting." Like no, I'm not treating you special, I'm just this nice to most everyone. No, really. 

Wait, I think I read that wrong. Are you saying damn yourself or damn everyone else for loving *you* too much? 

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Mattsun
On 6.12.2017 at 8:09 PM, WoodwindWhistler said:

Wait, I think I read that wrong. Are you saying damn yourself or damn everyone else for loving *you* too much? 

Honestly I could relate to both lol. I feel like people think I'm flirting with them really quickly although I'm just being nice or joking around, and it kinda makes me sad that I can't return their feelings. Like, I want to spend my life with some, but not in the same way they might want to spend their life with me. I really wish I was "normal" sometimes.

 

This is probably really off-topic, but ranting here in this thread has helped me already once, so here I go. My ex-girlfriend has treated to kill herself on social media again. I already said in my last post that she's mentally ill and when we still were in a relationship, she often said stuff like "wow you're the only thing that keeps me alive atm" (not gonna lie, that's the main reason why I didn't immediately break up with her even after I figured out I was aromantic, even though living with that kind of "pressure" was terrible) and now that I'm gone, I'm scared she might actually try to kill herself. I can't say how damn responsible I'd feel if she did, but I feel like reaching out to her will make things even worse. As I said in my last post, she seems to be really mad at me for the whole aromantic thing so I'm not sure if it will help if tell her to not kill herself. I know some of her friend's social media and I could try to contact them, but then again, it's not like I was friends with them at any time and they're probably pissed at me as well. I really don't know what to do.

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