The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

[BionicPi]

43 minutes ago, Ela Six said:

I was just wondering, are there any research on being aromantic or romantic attraction? I'm kind of curious about how I came to be this way. I mean is it biology, personality, brain chemistry, or a product of my childhood and relationship with my father?

From what I've seen on forums, sexuality and romanticism are a combination of biology and life experience.

[HanaBaddah]

Hi ya'll. I'm a newbie.  Delighted to see that I am not the only one.

[WoodwindWhistler]

On 7/25/2017 at 2:18 PM, Ela Six said:

I can't see myself being with someone or marrying in the future and I feel perfectly comfortable alone as long as I have friends and family. But I do worry about growing old without someone to take care of me and missing out on the relationship thing.

Fear of having no one to take care of you when you get older is, quite frankly, a bullshit reason to be in a relationship. One partner will outlive the other, first of all. And even if you do find another partner- it could happen again. My grandmother has outlived two husbands. If you are happy alone, there's no reason to scare yourself. And at its core, if everyone were at least comfortable alone, we'd all be better to each other, because when people get scared, they get angry. 

If you want a relationship, go for it. If your feeling is "meh," don't bother with it unless someone comes along that really convinces you otherwise. 

Also, the fact that we live in a society where we're *worried* that no one will help us when we age is sad in itself. We have no faith in our communities. My father, when he was in college, had old ladies on his street that he helped all the time. It's one of the reasons my mother liked him in the first place. ,



 

[Topi]

On 7/23/2017 at 3:07 PM, Snao Çoñé said:

For me, every time I felt really excited about getting to know someone better and found them really fun and interesting while also looking nice, I thought "Well, this must be it" but when imagining being in a normal relationship with them I felt

I feel the same thing. I always thought "It seems I like them for real.", but every time the person seemed to make a more intimate move on me, even if it could be seem as a joke, I would feel repulsion or aversion. I also never could see myself in a relationship with them, all I could imagine was me and my friends and them all doing what we normally did, maybe in my thoughts we would be better friends, like I was with all my other friends. It confused me a lot, but I was happier when I was looking from afar than when I was interacting with them. I always thought it was because everyone from my family said studies first and relationships after, so what I was doing was the normal and all the others around me were doing the things wrong. My mother was always also saying bad things about dating and relationships while studying, but always would ask me if I liked someone (which didn't make sense, right? ) and would be all worried, when I said no as an answer... 

[hippiecat]

2 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

Fear of having no one to take care of you when you get older is, quite frankly, a bullshit reason to be in a relationship. One partner will outlive the other, first of all. And even if you do find another partner- it could happen again.

This is sooo true. Sometimes people ask me why I'm not afraid of dying alone, lol. Well I guess I should start asking if they're afraid of their partner dying before them...

 

Does anyone else feel a bit sad whenever a friend starts dating? One of my friends has a thing going on with some guy, and I can't help but be a bit worried she's gonna forget everyone else. That has happened before with another friends so I dunno  

 

 

[Topi]

2 minutes ago, hippiecat said:

Does anyone else feel a bit sad whenever a friend starts dating? One of my friends has a thing going on with some guy, and I can't help but be a bit worried she's gonna forget everyone else. That has happened before with another friends so I dunno  

 

I do a bit, but all my friends seem to be very independent. Even with boyfriends/girlfriends they don't leave their friends and distribute the time almost equally between all. So, now I don't care much. Though I feel a bit disappointed to know they are not like me.  

[BionicPi]

3 hours ago, hippiecat said:

Does anyone else feel a bit sad whenever a friend starts dating? One of my friends has a thing going on with some guy, and I can't help but be a bit worried she's gonna forget everyone else. That has happened before with another friends so I dunno  

I third wheel heavily, so I think I escape this a little.

[Divide By Zero]

On 7/30/2017 at 10:13 AM, WoodwindWhistler said:

Fear of having no one to take care of you when you get older is, quite frankly, a bullshit reason to be in a relationship.

Ditto for having kids. Just because someone has children, it doesn't mean that person will have someone to look after them in old age.

 

Sometimes people outlive their children (this has happened to my grandmother's neighbour - she's in her 90s and has outlived her husband and all her children), sometimes people are estranged from their children, sometimes the children don't want to look after their parents, etc.

[faye12395]

On 7/30/2017 at 3:04 PM, hippiecat said:

This is sooo true. Sometimes people ask me why I'm not afraid of dying alone, lol. Well I guess I should start asking if they're afraid of their partner dying before them...

 

Does anyone else feel a bit sad whenever a friend starts dating? One of my friends has a thing going on with some guy, and I can't help but be a bit worried she's gonna forget everyone else. That has happened before with another friends so I dunno  

 

 

 Both Of my best friends got married...to each other. I mean don't get me wrong I'm happy for them but they do a lot more stuff together by themselves then we do as a group anymore that kind of bums me out.

[flamoush]

On 30-7-2017 at 10:04 PM, hippiecat said:

Does anyone else feel a bit sad whenever a friend starts dating? One of my friends has a thing going on with some guy, and I can't help but be a bit worried she's gonna forget everyone else. That has happened before with another friends so I dunno  

 

 

A lot of my friends where already dating but now they are starting to live together and get married , one of my closest friends will become a father in september. They are still willing to free up some time to do stuff and talk but I feel thats gonne be less in the future. It's one of the disadvantages of choosing not to have a relationship. People around you especialy at my age (28) start having their own families and have less time for friends. 

[WoodwindWhistler]

1 hour ago, flamoush said:

A lot of my friends where already dating but now they are starting to live together and get married , one of my closest friends will become a father in september. They are still willing to free up some time to do stuff and talk but I feel thats gonne be less in the future. It's one of the disadvantages of choosing not to have a relationship. People around you especialy at my age (28) start having their own families and have less time for friends. 

You know in most human societies that's the point where you get involved in helping raise children . . . if you want to be part of someone's life, that might mean the parts they need help with, not just to hang out aimlessly. 

[flamoush]

1 minute ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

You know in most human societies that's the point where you get involved in helping raise children . . . if you want to be part of someone's life, that might mean the parts they need help with, not just to hang out aimlessly. 

oh I already offered to be their full-time babysitter

what I meaned was that they are more likely to do stuff with the 3 of them instead of a bunch of friends going somewhere

[Shiroi Hato]

On 2017-07-31 at 3:00 AM, BionicPi said:

I third wheel heavily, so I think I escape this a little.

Same  

 

Also, I don't really have any friends left so there's that 

[Éadweard]

3 hours ago, Shiroi Hato said:

Same  

 

Also, I don't really have any friends left so there's that 

They disapppear more and more as they date and/or get married 

[Shiroi Hato]

On 2017-08-08 at 1:36 PM, Just like Jughead said:

They disapppear more and more as they date and/or get married 

Yup, or they disapear when they hear that you're asexual and abstinent 

[kittyblomu]

so i'm pretty sure i'm demi-biromantic asexual. i'm still kinda questioning but if i were to ask myself am i straight? my immediate answer would be no. does that mean anything or??

 

so just to sum this up, i've had crushes on a few boys but they didn't last long (this was when i was sure of my sexuality. in 2nd grade to 6th grade). i also have had crushes on 2 girls (they were both my really close friends) and that was when i began questioning (a few months ago). i am now a freshman in high school and am still confused.

 

what does all this mean? can some miracle person (or people) dechiper what the hell my feelings are trying to tell me ???

[Éadweard]

A BRIEF HISTORY OF ROMANTIC LOVE AND WHY IT KIND OF SUCKS

 

great read

 

https://markmanson.net/romantic-love?utm_campaign=mmnet-newsletter-2017-08-18-b&utm_medium=email&utm_source=mmnet-newsletter&utm_content=read-a-brief-history

[Bazinga]

On 8/16/2017 at 10:17 AM, tryingtokeepmyheadup said:

so i'm pretty sure i'm demi-biromantic asexual. i'm still kinda questioning but if i were to ask myself am i straight? my immediate answer would be no. does that mean anything or??

 

so just to sum this up, i've had crushes on a few boys but they didn't last long (this was when i was sure of my sexuality. in 2nd grade to 6th grade). i also have had crushes on 2 girls (they were both my really close friends) and that was when i began questioning (a few months ago). i am now a freshman in high school and am still confused.

 

what does all this mean? can some miracle person (or people) dechiper what the hell my feelings are trying to tell me ???

It sounds like you are biromantic. However, you could be confusing crushes with squishes. Squishes are very similar to crushes, but they are not romantic in nature (wanting to kiss, etc). Romantic and sexual orientations can change. I used to identify as an allosexual until the attraction slowly faded.

[kittyblomu]

17 hours ago, Bazinga said:

It sounds like you are biromantic. However, you could be confusing crushes with squishes. Squishes are very similar to crushes, but they are not romantic in nature (wanting to kiss, etc). Romantic and sexual orientations can change. I used to identify as an allosexual until the attraction slowly faded.

ahh i see :0 thanks!

 

regarding the crush/squish thing, i think you're right. huh. well, thank you so much for letting me know! :')

[time traveller jedi]

On 30/07/2017 at 9:00 PM, BionicPi said:

I third wheel heavily, so I think I escape this a little.

I'm the official third wheel, and I couldn't care less. I even have fun third wheeling, but some friends of mine (who don't know i'm aro) have decided that I must be paired up with someone and are trying to find a crush for me .

me: *heavy breathing*

me: i'm happy the way i am, thank you very much

[melisestel]

On 24/08/2017 at 1:49 PM, time traveller jedi said:

I'm the official third wheel, and I couldn't care less. I even have fun third wheeling, but some friends of mine (who don't know i'm aro) have decided that I must be paired up with someone and are trying to find a crush for me .

me: *heavy breathing*

me: i'm happy the way i am, thank you very much

I don't have trouble with friends trying to set me up, because I've told them I identify as aro/ace, but I feel like what I need in order to be able to enjoy being a third wheel more is confidence.

 

With my friends who have been couples for a long time, it's no problem hanging out with them. But my one friend, she entered into a new relationship recently and they're in that only-have-eyes-for-each-other phase.

It ends up making me feel like they'd rather I wasn't there. And I really dislike that feeling, because I'm over sensitive and I don't have a lot of self confidence so I find it tough to not internalize it and make it about me specifically, when I know it's just about my friend wanting to spend all of her time with this new crush.

 

So that's my goal, anyways, to work on my confidence. Because otherwise I don't have a problem hanging out with couples - as long as they can give me almost as much attention as they give each other and I feel like I'm actually hanging out with them and not interrupting them lol

 

I've been starting to feel kind of lonely and frustrated because I feel like I don't have a lot in common with my friends right now because I have two best friends and the one is in this brand new relationship like I just said and the other is getting married next month. So it's a lot of relationship talk and I'm feeling kind of alone because I don't care to talk about that stuff. Like I feel like the two of them have a lot in common right now and I'm kind of on the outside. (It really doesn't help that I have conflicted feelings about their S.O.'s so I'm not able to just be like super happy for them like i was for my sister when she got married. Instead i really don't want to talk about relationships at all because I feel like I've said all i can say and I don't really have a strong footing to be giving relationship advice from, being someone who doesn't experience sexual or romantic attraction. It's easy for me to point to flaws a), b), and c) and say, 'Why are you letting him treat you that way? Drop him.' because I don't feel that attraction. Sigh.).

 

I know it will pass and that we do still have a lot in common... But that's how I've been feeling... and reading the experiences of other aros here has really helped so thank you for that :-)

[R3dTr1ckz]

On 1/18/2014 at 3:22 PM, Lambda Corvus said:

All aromantics, lithromantics, demiromantics, greyromantics, and anyone else who may be on the aro side of things, please grab your favorite beverage and snack from the table over there *points*.

Well... Seems I'm late to the party by 3 years.... Oooo!!! You got catnip?!

 

0-0.....

 

FUUUUUUUUU........

 

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d5/05/70/d50570db0ec46b000540db3ca21aa75d.jpg

 

 

[Anna <3]

So...um, hi? I'm socially awkward so please forgive me. I just want to ask everyone's opinion on this.

 

So, when I was still in kindergarten I had a squish on a girl.  Sadly my social anxiety was too prevalent at the time so I never befriended her. Then it was elementary school. I don't remember much tbh, but it was either a squish or a minor crush on a boy. Eventually, it died out. Next, I had another squish on on a (different) girl. That was about a year after. The year after that I had a definite crush on the same boy from before. I blushed, I had romantic fantasies and all that stuff. I wasn't close to him at all. I just thought he was funny and cute. Now a couple of years after that can't imagine myself falling in love anymore. The thought of kissing is just-no. Every time I imagine a relationship it always ends up queer-platonic.

 

What the hell am I?

 

[hippiecat]

On 9/12/2017 at 0:36 PM, Anna <3 said:

What the hell am I?

 

You're you, and no one can define you but you, and even that's totally optional :). So if you think you're aromantic then use that, and change it if you ever need to.  Or don't define yourself at all!

 

I've started wondering if I want to call myself aromantic after all... I'm pretty sure that's what I am, but it feels unnecessary to use that. I'm asexual, and that feels like the only label I need... But we'll see, just some thoughts I've been having recently .

[ImAnAllStar]

So I've been thinking about the having kids/dying alone thing and wondered if it was just a matter of taking my metaphorical device eggs out of one basket.

 

Maybe someone will coparent hypothetical kids who are probably adopted with me; maybe someone else will be a long-hike buddy. Maybe another person will cohabitate and bring me hot tea.

 

Maybe I'll locate that "Demi" in my orientations that everyone keeps insisting are there (not in so many words). And things will still turn out like above but with 😘

 

I dunno. 

[waddiwasi]

On 12.9.2017 at 11:36 AM, Anna <3 said:

What the hell am I?

Firstly, welcome to AVEN. Have some cake

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) no one can answer your question for you. From what you are writing, it sounds to me like you are somewhere on the aromantic spectrum - which, yes, is a spectrum! So if you decide to use the label "aromantic" for yourself, it does not necessarily mean that you've never had (or will never have) romantic feelings or fantasies. That's the reason why there a also labels like "grey-romantic", "demi-romantic", "lith-romantic" (and so on and so forth) flying around. And, apparently, romantic as well as sexual orientation can shift over the course of your life, so just use the label you feel comfortable with at the moment. You can adjust it anytime if your feelings change or if you find something that seems to fit you better. Or don't use a label at all, that's fine too

 

[waddiwasi]

On 15.9.2017 at 6:17 AM, hippiecat said:

I've started wondering if I want to call myself aromantic after all... I'm pretty sure that's what I am, but it feels unnecessary to use that. I'm asexual, and that feels like the only label I need...

I thought about that for a while too. But a few weeks ago I came out to a friend for the first time as asexual (because I felt the need to explain to her that I probably wasn't the best person to ask for relationship advice, haha) and one of the first things she said was "But haven't asexuals [romantic] relationships too?". And my answer to that was "Yeah, but I think I'm also aromantic."

So that was that

(I'm not trying to tell you that you need the label. That's your choice, of course. Just wanted to tell you my experience.)

[Treehugger42]

Hi, a quick question. Do you come out to people and if so what do you come out as e.g. asexual, aro ace,  aromantic? 

 

[hippiecat]

On 9/17/2017 at 4:40 PM, waddiwasi said:

I thought about that for a while too. But a few weeks ago I came out to a friend for the first time as asexual (because I felt the need to explain to her that I probably wasn't the best person to ask for relationship advice, haha) and one of the first things she said was "But haven't asexuals [romantic] relationships too?". And my answer to that was "Yeah, but I think I'm also aromantic."

So that was that

(I'm not trying to tell you that you need the label. That's your choice, of course. Just wanted to tell you my experience.)

I agree that that's a pretty good way of coming out too. Just "asexual" first and then if they ask questions I'd continue with "probably aromantic too, but don't quote me on that "

 

1 hour ago, Alinkat said:

Hi, a quick question. Do you come out to people and if so what do you come out as e.g. asexual, aro ace,  aromantic? 

 

I guess I answered your question there too ^^

[Treehugger42]

On 08/09/2017 at 3:35 AM, melisestel said:

I've been starting to feel kind of lonely and frustrated because I feel like I don't have a lot in common with my friends right now because I have two best friends and the one is in this brand new relationship like I just said and the other is getting married next month. So it's a lot of relationship talk and I'm feeling kind of alone because I don't care to talk about that stuff. Like I feel like the two of them have a lot in common right now and I'm kind of on the outside. (It really doesn't help that I have conflicted feelings about their S.O.'s so I'm not able to just be like super happy for them like i was for my sister when she got married. Instead i really don't want to talk about relationships at all because I feel like I've said all i can say and I don't really have a strong footing to be giving relationship advice from, being someone who doesn't experience sexual or romantic attraction. It's easy for me to point to flaws a), b), and c) and say, 'Why are you letting him treat you that way? Drop him.' because I don't feel that attraction. Sigh.).

Yeah i completely get you. At point one of my best friends was having troubles with his gf so went to my other friend for advice even though they aren't that close but they didn't want to talk to me because " I wouldn't understand" which I get why he feels like that but it's nice to be included.