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Lambda Corvus

The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

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Stormharrier

I'm a bit late with this conversation, but I'm a gamer as well. I make them for a living too, so they're kind of my life.

I'm also a wargamer actually. I used to play Warhammer 40K but I've recently abandoned ship and taken up historical gaming instead. My dad does it, so I get to play with him every now and again. I don't know if I play it as an insecurity and control thing cuz I'm rubbish at tactics and I don't know half the rules yet so I keep losing. But it's fun anyway! You end up with crazy stories to tell other wargamers, like the time my cataphracts broke straight through a solid line of pikemen instead of dying like you would expect.... I also enjoy building and painting the models - my army can die as much as it wants as long as it looks good while doing it. So that's kind of an artistic pride thing.

What on earth is the fascination with video games??? If not for reasons mentioned above - or some kind of addiction - can you explain why you play them? In other words, why do you experience them as fun and not just as silly or pointless?

Depends on the game. Some I play for the stories, some for the sense of adventure (how else would I get to experience saving the universe?), some for the challenge, some for the escapism or stress relief, and some, yes, because I get to be in control (but it's more a nurturing than a dominant thing - I like looking after little imaginary people). I don't play games with other people, but I do still get a social element out of them because I can chat about my experiences with anyone that's played the same games (has anyone else tried taking on a mammoth in Skyrim when you were quite low level, and spent the next five minutes with it chasing you round and round a tree?). And given that I hang out with a lot of game developers, we also discuss mechanics and plan out our own games. So that's another reason - it's a creative outlet.

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Dirge

(has anyone else tried taking on a mammoth in Skyrim when you were quite low level, and spent the next five minutes with it chasing you round and round a tree?).

I tried to run up to a giant. And stab it. In the knee.

(I am sure that every Skyrim player can picture what happened next.)

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Lambda Corvus

(has anyone else tried taking on a mammoth in Skyrim when you were quite low level, and spent the next five minutes with it chasing you round and round a tree?).

I tried to run up to a giant. And stab it. In the knee.

(I am sure that every Skyrim player can picture what happened next.)

*gigantic sigh/groan*

!SMACK!

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Dirge

Yeah, I think my body made it back down from the stratosphere eventually.

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Zash

(has anyone else tried taking on a mammoth in Skyrim when you were quite low level, and spent the next five minutes with it chasing you round and round a tree?).

I tried to run up to a giant. And stab it. In the knee.

(I am sure that every Skyrim player can picture what happened next.)

The giant retired and became a city guard?

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swim2thesun

I saw these comical Aromantic valentines and I thought I'd drop them here.

tumblr_mzxey7CLr01qi7cdqo1_1280.jpg

tumblr_mzxey7CLr01qi7cdqo2_1280.jpg

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Lambda Corvus

The content of those cards is quite sweet, Swim. Thank you for posting them.

I cannot help but be intensely bothered by the consistently lowercase print and the shortening of text, however. On the extremely unlikely chance that someone gave one to me, I would first be amused, then I would question if they knew me at all.

Still, it is cute in a very platonic way.

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

Those are so cute! The only thing good about valentine's day (in my opinion) is all the chocolate and candies that go on sale the next day. Yum~!

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Dirge

The content of those cards is quite sweet, Swim. Thank you for posting them.

I cannot help but be intensely bothered by the consistently lowercase print and the shortening of text, however. On the extremely unlikely chance that someone gave one to me, I would first be amused, then I would question if they knew me at all.

Still, it is cute in a very platonic way.

Yeah, I would be sorely tempted to send them back with spelling corrections.

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swim2thesun

The cards were intended to look really shoddily/ hastily made. I suppose to go along with the cuteness. lol or maybe a reflect of the persons apathetic feelings towards valentines day.

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That asexual guy

Probably just my imagination but it seems to me anymore anytime I see anything about asexuality (not just on this site) there is always jumping in screaming asexuals can be romantic and then there's a very long explanation of romantic attraction. I'm starting to feel that aromantics get pushed to the side a lot anymore. If you want to try dating as an asexual more power to you but let's not forget about those of us who are happy with close platonic friends.

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

Hell, we need to remember even some people don't need close platonic relationships either. Some people are fine on their own.

But yeah, if they can take time to talk about different romantic identities, they should take time to talk about the different aromantic identities too. I see a lot of complaining about asexuality being a footnote, exception, or an afterthought when people talk about sexualities... but the exact same thing tends to happen to aromantics in the asexual community. =/

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byanyotherusername

I agree, though I can understand why so much emphasis is put on romantic attraction, since it's a concept that is completely foreign to most people. If you explain asexuality to someone, they will usually assume all asexuals are aromantic.

I do really like the concept of talking about the different types of aromantics, though. As is already made clear on this thread, some aromantics desire platonic (or even romantic) life partnerships, some desire a network close friendships, and others are happy more or less alone. There are also those who simply reject the romantic-platonic binary. I know that I personally get really annoyed when aromanticism is described as "not liking physical affection/romantic gestures" because that a) confuses behavior with orientation and b) is a stereotype that completely negates my aromanticism. I LOVE physical affection, especially cuddling (I even like making out and such, if I'm in the right mood). I enjoy many things that fall under the category of "romantic gestures" though not if there are actual romantic feelings behind them (for example, I write my best friends platonic love letters on Valentine's Day, sometimes multiple pages in cursive, all the i's dotted with hearts XD).

Our situation also brings up a lot of unique issues: What kind of living situations best suits our needs? In the US, at least, being single puts you at an economic disadvantage--everything from tax codes to welfare policies favor married couples, or sometimes single parents with kids (which I do not have a problem with), over single adults. This somewhat evens out later if you are middle or upper class and do not have children, since children are a complete money-suck, but when you are low-income your options become very limited. I make slightly above minimum wage, and I could not afford a one-bedroom apartment in a low-income neighborhood. What if an aromantic wants kids? I have an aromantic friend who wants to foster, and I do not know what legal battles she may face as a single adult. How possible is it for an aromantic who wants to stay single to avoid being "out" or having their sexuality heavily speculated on (as apposed to an asexual in a romantic relationship, who can theoretically "pass" and relate more easily to friends or colleagues)? If we want a platonic partner, how do we go about finding one? Where do you even look? That's all I can come up with off the top of my head, but it's definitely worth having more conversation about.

None of this is in anyway meant to imply that romantic asexuals have it "easier," just that some of our challenges are different (and many of these struggles can apply to romantic asexuals, especially if they are unable to find a partner).

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virtua

Probably just my imagination but it seems to me anymore anytime I see anything about asexuality (not just on this site) there is always jumping in screaming asexuals can be romantic and then there's a very long explanation of romantic attraction. I'm starting to feel that aromantics get pushed to the side a lot anymore. If you want to try dating as an asexual more power to you but let's not forget about those of us who are happy with close platonic friends.

Not all people who experience romantic attraction desire to be in romantic relationships either. Some romantics desire close platonic relationships and others do not have any desire to be in close relationships with other people. A lot of times, romantics who fall into those categories are overlooked.

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Lambda Corvus

I wonder if a high degree of personal independence correlates to being on the aromantic spectrum. From my observations of myself and several other aromantics, it does seem that high independence is associated with aromantic-spectrum identities, though I doubt one is the cause of the other. Has anyone else had this general impression? Speculate.

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FiddleKid

I think it may do as someone with high independence wouldn't depend on relationships as much or the need to be loved by someone else. I'm aromantic and love my own company and doing things myself so the two could be related. I don't think about or depend on another persons love.

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

Well I guess I'm the odd one out, because I'm very dependant on others. I hate having to go anywhere alone, and rather have someone I know with me for emotional support... but then again I've also seem to have slow but steadily increasing anxiety so that probably plays a big role.

However, it does seem many aromantic people are fairly independant. Whether one can lead to the other, well I really can't say.

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peanut-butter-cloud

I think it may do as someone with high independence wouldn't depend on relationships as much or the need to be loved by someone else. I'm aromantic and love my own company and doing things myself so the two could be related. I don't think about or depend on another persons love.

I agree with this.

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Mademoiselle Pink

Well I guess I'm the odd one out, because I'm very dependant on others. I hate having to go anywhere alone, and rather have someone I know with me for emotional support... but then again I've also seem to have slow but steadily increasing anxiety so that probably plays a big role.

However, it does seem many aromantic people are fairly independant. Whether one can lead to the other, well I really can't say.

I think there are different kinds of independance. I understand what you're saying with liking to go somewhere with a friend. Personally, I hate new situations so every time I'm in a new and unknown situation (even if it's something banal) I prefer to have a friend with me for support.

However I don't think these feelings/needs automatically makes us not independant. I for one prefer to be by myself for the majority of the time in my daily life, which to most people is being independant.

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Amoeba-Proteus

(has anyone else tried taking on a mammoth in Skyrim when you were quite low level, and spent the next five minutes with it chasing you round and round a tree?).

... And then I ran out of arrows. D:

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

I think there are different kinds of independance. I understand what you're saying with liking to go somewhere with a friend. Personally, I hate new situations so every time I'm in a new and unknown situation (even if it's something banal) I prefer to have a friend with me for support.

However I don't think these feelings/needs automatically makes us not independant. I for one prefer to be by myself for the majority of the time in my daily life, which to most people is being independant.

Well, honestly I will flat out not go 90% if I don't have someone I trust with me, even if it's somewhere familiar. I also need about 5-6 hugs a day at least to feel pretty happy. With that said, I tend to perfer to work independantly on most tasks.

I would say the amount of time spend alone is generally more about whether you're an introvert or an extrovert. However with that said, there isn't a strict division between dependant and independant. I personally say I'm not independant because even with finances covered, I would not be able to live on my own and care for myself simply because I don't know how.

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Dirge

I wonder if a high degree of personal independence correlates to being on the aromantic spectrum. From my observations of myself and several other aromantics, it does seem that high independence is associated with aromantic-spectrum identities, though I doubt one is the cause of the other. Has anyone else had this general impression? Speculate.

It is a strange thing to try and explain. I hear romantic people talk about how they feel in a relationship - including the dependence - and there are parts of it to which I can relate.

At the risk of sounding like a crazy person, I'll just say it - the ethereal muse living in my head, that elusive idea of a being, already commands most of my attention and affection. As long as I have that and the means of expression that it offers me, I'm not sure I could make time for romance, or why I'd want to try.

tl;dr: married to my writing.

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VindicatorPhoenix

I saw these comical Aromantic valentines and I thought I'd drop them here.

tumblr_mzxey7CLr01qi7cdqo1_1280.jpg

tumblr_mzxey7CLr01qi7cdqo2_1280.jpg

Those are awesome, where did you find them?

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The Not So Impossible Girl

Just chiming in with an aromantic relationship story.

Back in the days before my lack of romantic interest solidified in my mind with my lack of sexual interest, I had a single relationship. It started with the other person bugging me about it and ended when I realized it was definitely never going to work out due to my lack of interest in them.

But between those days were several weeks of...nothing that anyone could really call "going out". The only difference between the days of "being friends" and "dating" was that they wanted/expected hugs and kisses and the like and I was just "yeah, no". I felt nothing for them aside from "you're okay as a person?" and mild annoyance at their frequent statements of "I like you". The whole relationship just didn't sit right with me and I wasn't comfortable with the closeness, emotional or physical, that they tried to establish.

Partly because I didn't feel anything for them and partly because it just seemed gross to me, hugging and kissing became an issue, then a bigger issue when the subject of kisses with tongue was brought up (to which I responded "definitely no"). So I cut it off.

On hindsight, that was very likely a key event in realizing that I have no romantic or sexual desires.

Video games are more fun than dating, anyway.

Them and doodling people with funny clothes.

lol you just described my first date right there. I even went AFTER I knew myself as mostly aromantic. For the most part, I love watching romance on TV and whatnot, but I just don't see how it would ever be possible for me. I feel like I kind of desire it, but everytime I'm put in a real situation where a real person wants to kiss me and hold my hand, it's a big fat NO. I do not enjoy the attention of others. I feel almost helpless... Does anyone else feel this way? Helpless because you want to hug people and be best buds with them, but have no desire for a full blown romantic relationship???

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VindicatorPhoenix

Yeah, it seems that platonic relationships are not as well known as romantic ones. Honestly, I don't enjoy things like romantic dinners, kissing or slow dancing. I was kindly pressured into going to prom in high school because everyone else was doing it and I "had to." I'm not sure if it counts as romantic or not, but I didn't enjoy it. The thing that really bothers me is that if the majority enjoy something, many of them assume that everyone must be that way.

indivshighschool0011.jpg

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Zash

I didn't go to prom either, even though a girl asked me to ask her to go to it (long story). My parents offered to subsidize the costs when I told them I wasn't going, because my first reason against it was "It was a waste of my money, since I didn't want to go." Having it paid for still wouldn't have made it worth to go. I instead threw a LAN party with all my friends, using the money we would have spent on prom instead for food, drinks and so on, which lasted about 4 days. We all had more fun for longer.

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Lambda Corvus

I am pleased to say that I avoided the school prom thing. Actually, I was absent from any and all dances. Nobody asked me to go and I didn't feel the need to ask anyone either. Only the prying relatives and friends of family members bothered to wonder why I didn't show up. The absolutely true response was "I'm studying".

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tommy92

I didn't go to the prom either...well I guess in Germany it isn't that big of a thing like in the US, but anyways, I didn't wanted to do dance lessons, I didn't wanted to dance. And I guess I did similarly as Al did, I probably studied instead or I did something else... I know one thing though: It was better than going to the prom :P

I didn't go to prom either, even though a girl asked me to ask her to go to it (long story). My parents offered to subsidize the costs when I told them I wasn't going, because my first reason against it was "It was a waste of my money, since I didn't want to go." Having it paid for still wouldn't have made it worth to go. I instead threw a LAN party with all my friends, using the money we would have spent on prom instead for food, drinks and so on, which lasted about 4 days. We all had more fun for longer.

But you did sleep a little, didn't you :D

The LAN parties I attended only lasted about 24 hours and for us it was mostly long enough :lol:

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Random Happenstance

I didn't go to prom either, even though a girl asked me to ask her to go to it (long story). My parents offered to subsidize the costs when I told them I wasn't going, because my first reason against it was "It was a waste of my money, since I didn't want to go." Having it paid for still wouldn't have made it worth to go. I instead threw a LAN party with all my friends, using the money we would have spent on prom instead for food, drinks and so on, which lasted about 4 days. We all had more fun for longer.

That reminds me, the worst (and closest to romantic, I guess) experience I had was when my good friend at the time asked me to go to the prom with him as friends. It freaked me out, I said I wasn't going and then kept rambling on with reasons which was so embarassing. One of them was that if I was to go to the prom I'd have to wear a suit or something because I wouldn't go along with something to -typical- without challenging it (looking back, that was pprobably related to being non-binary). Though I was, of course, far less articulate at the time.

Later his mum stopped her car near me when I was going to meet my mum to go home, and she asked why I turned her son down. It was the most embarassing moment of my life, and I hurredly responded that I wasn't interested in going to the prom anyway.

To this day I feel terribly guilty for turning him down because it was as friends, and it seems really mean of me to have done so. The idea of prom was just so awful to me, and it didn't seem like it should be a big deal at the time.

I swear a bunch of my problem was gender related too, since proms come with so many gender based expectations, even though I wasn't aware of my gender or being aro ace at the time.

Unfortunately I didn't have the friends or social confidence to have any kind of party in it's place, though to be honest I probably wouldn't have wanted to anyhow. At that point I thought very little of most people. Sounds like you had a good time though, which is great.

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peanut-butter-cloud

I didn't go to prom either. And nobody asked me to, which was a huge relief because then I didn't have to reject anyone! I didn't want to have to dance (or stand awkwardly in the corner) and I just hate dances/parties in general - never went to a single one in my entire school life, from junior high all the way through college (I'm currently in my second year of college).

I just stayed home and watched a movie by myself, it was great. :)

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