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Lambda Corvus

The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

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tommy92

Hi, I just wanted to (finally) join in. I don't exactly know whether I am gray, demi or aromantic...

I might post some more on here when the time is right, currently it isn't...I don't have many words in my mind to say currently, but still wanted to say hello :)

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

Lithromantic here, reporting in!

I don't get the need for feelings to be reciprocated at all? Like, why isn't friendship good enough? Why isn't my friendship good enough? What more do you need? ;-; I can't trust people who say they like me anymore, because half of them get all weird on me and stuff. Like, they suffocate me with their feelings and keep trying to get me to like them and asking why I don't. I don't know why, I just don't. We don't click, and even if we did I'd still want to stay friends. :C Ugh. Sorry for ranting.

But yeah, platonic relationships for me all the way. I've always wanted a platonic life partner since childhood.

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Lambda Corvus

Lithromantic here, reporting in!

I don't get the need for feelings to be reciprocated at all? Like, why isn't friendship good enough? Why isn't my friendship good enough? What more do you need? ;-; I can't trust people who say they like me anymore, because half of them get all weird on me and stuff. Like, they suffocate me with their feelings and keep trying to get me to like them and asking why I don't. I don't know why, I just don't. We don't click, and even if we did I'd still want to stay friends. :C Ugh. Sorry for ranting.

But yeah, platonic relationships for me all the way. I've always wanted a platonic life partner since childhood.

A great welcome to you.

One thing that bothers me about the "my feelings need to be reciprocated" people is when some (but by no means all) of them attempt to instill guilt for not feeling the need to reciprocate.

I have experienced an analogue to this for not feeling romantic attraction: the sensation is almost like drowning or suffocation, when another person tries to force their feelings upon myself. Then the guilt comes, accompanied with arguments, whether subtle or not, to try to convince me to "give it a chance"; there is no surer way to trigger my repulsion.

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byanyotherusername

Ahhh! So it seems many people on this thread have redefined a 'platonic' relationship as one that is neither romantic nor sexual. The corollary seems to be that the two people concerned will necessarily be best friends and want - for unexplained reasons - some kind of intimate physical touching.

How bizarre! Live with your best friend as if s(he) were your lover - cuddle but don't have sex.

This sort of thing has no appeal to me personally: it seems strangely claustrophobic and inappropriate. But if it's mutually agreeable to you and another then why not I suppose?!?

Weird! :S

Well, the connotation of "platonic" is a relationship that is nonromantic even to many people outside of AVEN, though that came about because most people assume that you can't have romance without sex. For what it's worth, Platonic love, as in what Plato described, is both nonromantic and nonsexual, but most people have come a far way from actually caring about the origin of the term at this point. :P

Platonic partnership may or may not include intimate touch--even if it does include it, that is generally not the point. The idea is that, despite not feeling romantic or sexual attraction, you still might want a partner for practical reasons--someone to drive you to the hospital if you need it, for instance--as well as for the emotional support.

While I would never describe it as "inappropriate" I can relate to the idea of such an arrangement feeling claustrophobic. I don't like the idea of becoming too dependent on one person, or promising to spend lots of my time and energy on them indefinitely. Ideally, I would like to continue to have many close friends, some of whom I may live with at times for practical/financial reasons or not (right now I live in a housemate situation with one of my best friends and a few other people, but that is just because we are poor, it is in no way meant to be a permanent arrangement XD), and any one of whom would probably be willing to drive me to the hospital (and vice versa).

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

A great welcome to you.

One thing that bothers me about the "my feelings need to be reciprocated" people is when some (but by no means all) of them attempt to instill guilt for not feeling the need to reciprocate.

I have experienced an analogue to this for not feeling romantic attraction: the sensation is almost like drowning or suffocation, when another person tries to force their feelings upon myself. Then the guilt comes, accompanied with arguments, whether subtle or not, to try to convince me to "give it a chance"; there is no surer way to trigger my repulsion.

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, that's pretty much what happened to me. It messed me up for a while. >.< One of them even admitted to intentionally guilting me. I could barely talk to him or think about him without crying at one point. It was just awful.

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Blue_Sky

Hi all! I'm new here but I figured I'd chime in. I like the idea of an aromantic thread.

I always knew I was an asexual/aromantic but I never knew there were names for it. Then, one day in college, a friend jokingly called me Asexual. So I looked it up and realized that was it. But it wasn't until I found this site that I learned about romantic orientation. I had just assumed that my lack of want for a romantic relationship was part of the asexuality, not something different. I guess didn't really have a "Oh, good. I'm not broken" moment it was just an "Oh, that's what it's called" moment.

But, anyway, thanks to everyone for existing (It's nice to know there are others out there who feel the same as me) and for being in a place where we can all talk. :D

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Lambda Corvus

Hi all! I'm new here but I figured I'd chime in. I like the idea of an aromantic thread.

I always knew I was an asexual/aromantic but I never knew there were names for it. Then, one day in college, a friend jokingly called me Asexual. So I looked it up and realized that was it. But it wasn't until I found this site that I learned about romantic orientation. I had just assumed that my lack of want for a romantic relationship was part of the asexuality, not something different. I guess didn't really have a "Oh, good. I'm not broken" moment it was just an "Oh, that's what it's called" moment.

But, anyway, thanks to everyone for existing (It's nice to know there are others out there who feel the same as me) and for being in a place where we can all talk. :D

Welcome to AVEN and a greater welcome to the Aromantic lair.

Do we have any casual (or not-so-casual) video game players here?

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tommy92

Yeah here, I am an on and off player...sometimes I have a certain desire to play a video game^^ I casually play Kerbal Space Program, it's kind of a long term game, I don't know how long I have actually accomplished stuff in it :3

I am currently occasionally playing Assassin's Creed II and when I want to play a more casual game I might play CardMatch3D or DeCalc.

Sometimes L4D2 if I want to slay some Zombies :lol: usually if I am currently playing games I cannot concentrate to finish one first before beginning another one...I kinda play through multiple games in a more parallel fashion.

There are also some more games I would occasionally pick up and play again and again (Minecraft for instance)

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

*Raises hand* OH! OH!
I really like playing video games. I love the Kingdom Hearts series. I've also enjoyed Jak and Daxter (though I sucked at the first game) and I've played a few Final Fantasy games too. I've also played Fable II and III, Kya: Dark Lineage and I'm slooooowly playing Skyrim... Other than that it's been pretty much random games I got a hold of, played for a bit, then never touched again.

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Dirge

Welcome to AVEN and a greater welcome to the Aromantic lair.

Do we have any casual (or not-so-casual) video game players here?

Me! (Though of course, you knew that.)

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ZombieDracula

About touching: hand holding, cuddling and even kissing, don't have to be strictly romantic/sexual. Just wanted to point that out.

As for games: just The Simpsons Tapped Out on my phone and a bunch of Facebook games.

Also: NOOOOOOOOOOOO SLAYING ME ALLOWED! XD

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Abracadabra!

When I was a child I used to enjoy playing with toy soldiers. Some adults still do (i.e. Wargamers).

Presumably this has something to do with insecurity and a need to try to control a situation or have a complete overview of exactly what could go wrong and why. So it's some sort of compensatory behaviour stemming from a desire to achieve a measure of control lacking irl presumably. And perhaps also it releases stress?

What on earth is the fascination with video games??? If not for reasons mentioned above - or some kind of addiction - can you explain why you play them? In other words, why do you experience them as fun and not just as silly or pointless?

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Girl Hypnotist Rei

To answer your question, NewMeeble, for me it's the story (with a few exceptions) and it's little to no different that reading a book. I'd say the only main difference is the challenge within the game play, which adds an exciting twists. Otherwise, I am simply invested in the characters and the story. I've always loved fiction, particularly fantasy. It's a way to experience things otherwise impossible. Plus just being able to see the creative things other people create is always fun too, so I guess curiousity plays a role.

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Zash

I'm a gamer. I play all sorts of games, but, a lot of the ones involving multiplayer co-op (Borderlands 2, most MMOs, and so on), I play with one particular friend. Often in MMOs people assume my friend and I are dating since we are always online together. Then they get confused, because she will flirt with anything in a skirt, and I don't seem to care one way or the other. Except for the odd, "When you are done flirting with her, I could really use some healing over here..." People also assume we are in the same room since we are always in sync without group or voice chat. We aren't, we just know each other well enough to be in the right place at the right time.

We are 'just' friends though. I hate that phrase... I wouldn't trade the friendship for all the romantic relationships in the world. It is not 'just' anything. Would I like to live with her forever, as friends as we are now? Yes. But, that wouldn't be fair. She is very sexual, and not attracted to men, so it wouldn't work for her. And it would be awkward if I became the perpetual third wheel if/when she settles down with someone.

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Dirge

What on earth is the fascination with video games??? If not for reasons mentioned above - or some kind of addiction - can you explain why you play them? In other words, why do you experience them as fun and not just as silly or pointless?

When I play a game, it is usually for one of two reasons:

1. To absorb myself in a world and narrative. To triumph over the odds and let the story evoke deep emotions in me.

2. To hang out with friends who are nowhere near my geographical location. Nothing like a wave of zombies to bring people together.

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Lambda Corvus

What on earth is the fascination with video games??? If not for reasons mentioned above - or some kind of addiction - can you explain why you play them? In other words, why do you experience them as fun and not just as silly or pointless?

For me, it is certainly not an addiction; there are several things with higher priority in my life, particularly academics. In fact, until recently, I couldn't bring myself to play a video game for a period of several months (Pokémon is NOT just a video game). That has been changed.

I enjoy the experience of a video game for the story, above all else. It is about the chance to experience a larger world -- to let it become a part of my consciousness and reflect upon it, very much like reading a moving book. Sometimes, if the world is sufficiently engrossing, it will inspire me to alter my own internalised fiction.

What on earth is the fascination with video games??? If not for reasons mentioned above - or some kind of addiction - can you explain why you play them? In other words, why do you experience them as fun and not just as silly or pointless?

When I play a game, it is usually for one of two reasons:

1. To absorb myself in a world and narrative. To triumph over the odds and let the story evoke deep emotions in me.

2. To hang out with friends who are nowhere near my geographical location. Nothing like a wave of zombies to bring people together.

There is immense truth in point #2.

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Singular

Just chiming in with an aromantic relationship story.

Back in the days before my lack of romantic interest solidified in my mind with my lack of sexual interest, I had a single relationship. It started with the other person bugging me about it and ended when I realized it was definitely never going to work out due to my lack of interest in them.

But between those days were several weeks of...nothing that anyone could really call "going out". The only difference between the days of "being friends" and "dating" was that they wanted/expected hugs and kisses and the like and I was just "yeah, no". I felt nothing for them aside from "you're okay as a person?" and mild annoyance at their frequent statements of "I like you". The whole relationship just didn't sit right with me and I wasn't comfortable with the closeness, emotional or physical, that they tried to establish.

Partly because I didn't feel anything for them and partly because it just seemed gross to me, hugging and kissing became an issue, then a bigger issue when the subject of kisses with tongue was brought up (to which I responded "definitely no"). So I cut it off.

On hindsight, that was very likely a key event in realizing that I have no romantic or sexual desires.

Video games are more fun than dating, anyway.

Them and doodling people with funny clothes.

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Random Happenstance

When I was a child I used to enjoy playing with toy soldiers. Some adults still do (i.e. Wargamers).

Presumably this has something to do with insecurity and a need to try to control a situation or have a complete overview of exactly what could go wrong and why. So it's some sort of compensatory behaviour stemming from a desire to achieve a measure of control lacking irl presumably. And perhaps also it releases stress?

What on earth is the fascination with video games??? If not for reasons mentioned above - or some kind of addiction - can you explain why you play them? In other words, why do you experience them as fun and not just as silly or pointless?

Well, for me certainly it's about a few things.

1. The escapism. It's nice to immerse myself in fantasy worlds, particularly since my life isn't exactly easy. I get to be who I want to be, and do what I want to do. It's very similar to books in that way, but I'm unable to read very well, and the experience in games is always different (well, depending on the game).

2. The feeling of achievement when I overcome obstacles, or get a reward, or gain levels and such. I'm disabled and house-bound, so there isn't that much that gives me sense of achieving otherwise, so it's nice to get it from somewhere.

3. It's one of the few platforms where I can meet up with my friends, and have more control over how I use my energy and how long I spend with them. It also gives us a topic of conversation, as my life is pretty empty so I'm usually lacking when it comes to having things to say.

4. Some of the worlds in video games are very beautiful (skyrim for example) and some games are just very peaceful, like minecraft. It can be nice to just go for long walks in those games, appreciating the ability to see these fantasy worlds, and forget the real one.

I don't have the energy to play video games all the time, but when I do I find it very enjoyable. All of that said, though, I think I would happily do away with them if I ever got better and was able to do real life sports and such, though there'd probably be place for them, as there always is for escaping.

Also, aro ace here. Hi. I'll try to be active, though I find it hard to keep up with forums and such at times.

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Zash
Video games are more fun than dating, anyway.

Personally, I think being gnawed on by rabid badgers would be more fun that dating.

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Dirge

Personally, I think being gnawed on by rabid badgers would be more fun that dating.

Depends on what the date consists of. (I will confess to enjoying a date once. We went to the zoo and he nagged incessantly until a visit was paid to Build-a-Bear.)

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Lambda Corvus

Dating. Dating never changes.

I've never been on a date, and it is probably not an experience that I will ever have, unless an outing between platonic partners counts as a date. I wouldn't even know what to do during one, whether romantic or not. Aside from being nagged to visit Build-a-Bear, what do people do on them?

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VindicatorPhoenix

I've danced with women, gone on a date or two and I didn't care much for the activities; they weren't really my thing. When people ask me out, I feel like saying: "Saturday? Well, um... I'm going on a little vacation on Saturday. Oh darn, it's too late to get hotel bookings for another person, looks like I can't go on a date with you..." :lol:

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tommy92

Dating. Dating never changes.

I've never been on a date, and it is probably not an experience that I will ever have, unless an outing between platonic partners counts as a date. I wouldn't even know what to do during one, whether romantic or not. Aside from being nagged to visit Build-a-Bear, what do people do on them?

Pretty much a similar situation here. Never had a date and wouldn't even know what to do on one. Thinking of a date, I would think of some kind of going out for dinner, but to be honest I'm not able to see a difference between going out for dinner with friends/a friend or going out for dinner with a partner

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swim2thesun

well I've actually been apart of conversations where we (the groups i was in) were talking about dating and what that could look like. and well a date is really whatever one wants it to be right? It can look like something different depending on the people in whatever relationship. You don't have to go out to go on a date. In my own opinion I guess whats considered a date is just whatever the people agree is a date. It can look like sitting on a couch at home watching your favorite shows or something more extravagant like going out to a musical theater (lol i don't know)

I personally don't (currently) date. Not really all that interested in it, although I don't really see how its all that different from hanging out with a friend.

I think I kinda sorta went on maybe two possibly with a couple of my close friends a while back...

the first time we were going to go to the movies but hadn't done a good job of planing it out so we just sort of showed up at the theater and realized that we couldn't do anything so we just ended up lounging around a mall for a couple hours played DDR and ate some over priced crepes. Still a silly day; it was pretty much just hanging out with my friend though.

The other time I brought another one of my friends to this big park and we had a picnic and walked around the lake, creeped in the woods, played at the jungle gym, then walked through the mini zoo they had before going off to down town and going into some funky shops. that was also a fun day but essentially was just hanging out with a friend so...

I don't really consider those dates though. I guess a date is just a sort of committed agreement to doing something (anything) together and all party members agreeing that it's a 'date'. I think it sounds better in my head, or maybe I'm just not good at articulating it lol. Anyway I hope that makes sense.

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Grim_Reaper's_Apprentice

Hi all!

I've never been on a date either. Plus I'm not really sure what the difference between a date and just hanging out with friends is... :unsure: I've never wanted to go on a date with anyone (plus my parents would kill me if I even thought about dating!).

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Random Happenstance

Hi all!

I've never been on a date either. Plus I'm not really sure what the difference between a date and just hanging out with friends is... :unsure: I've never wanted to go on a date with anyone (plus my parents would kill me if I even thought about dating!).

The best I can gather it's like hanging out with friends, but is with only one person, and with the intention of establishing whether a romantic relationship is worth pursuing. It also involves more effort when it comes to making a good impression and people seem to dress differently than they would on an ordinary day. I'm not sure how that works when it comes to going on a date with someone you already have an established friendship with. I guess dating isn't a part of it in that instance, and the nature of the relationship just changes.

But since I only have outside observations I'm not exactly an expert, and I probably have a poorer understanding than even most aromantics. It quite boggles my mind that people dress up and try to act their best, since if a romantic relationship does come out of it, I'd imagine they're going to find out at some point you aren't always like that.

It seems like too much effort for me, I'd have thought it would be simpler to just 'go out with' someone you already know if your going to have romantic relationships, so you don't have to bother with the whole dating process.

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byanyotherusername

Yeah, a date is just two people who are interested in each other romantically getting together to see if they are compatible and enjoy each other's company. The activities involved could be anything, really. I do things that people assume are dates all the time, go to the movies with male friends one-on-one, or out to eat, or even for a night staying in to watch something and cuddle on the sofa. The feelings involved are not romantic, however, and the guys involved (almost) always know this, so they don't count. :P

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swim2thesun

Yeah, a date is just two people who are interested in each other romantically getting together to see if they are compatible and enjoy each other's company.

Two, but could possibly be more than two.

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byanyotherusername

Yeah, a date is just two people who are interested in each other romantically getting together to see if they are compatible and enjoy each other's company.

Two, but could possibly be more than two.

Very true. Usually two, sometimes more.

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Stormharrier

I went on a date once (an official romantic-type one, that is, rather than just hanging out with friends). This was a long time before I realised I was aro ace, and one of my friends had asked me out so I figured why not. We went to a restaurant and had dinner and sat around chatting. It was alright cuz it was basically the same as just hanging out with him, and I didn't really have a full understanding of the fact that romantic feelings existed at the time. But now that I do I couldn't do it again. Something about people being romantically attracted to me kind of freaks me out. I think it's the fact that they want something from me that I can't give them. I don't mind if people express an interest in me and then shrug and go "oh well" when I tell them I'm aro ace. But if they persist in being interested, even if they say they understand that it won't ever happen, then I get really uncomfortable around them. Admittedly I've only had one guy do that, but it's taken me almost three years to finally shake him off...

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