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Lambda Corvus

The New Aromantic Thread (v.1.5)

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peanut-butter-cloud

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

Nope, and nope. :)

On the cuddling thing that was discussed earlier, the only people I have ever cuddled with, or even had the desire to cuddle with, are my parents. And all I've ever done is lean my head against their shoulder or chest for a couple minutes, like if we're watching a movie together or something.

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byanyotherusername

I have another question, if you are aromatic, and however you choose to define the platonic relationship on your own term, then do you think you will have gender/sex preference if you choose to have platonic relationship?

Interesting question! I find it really fascinating that even aromantic asexuals often have gender preferences in certain areas. For instance, I am far more likely to feel sensual attraction, and to a lesser extent aesthetic attraction, towards males than towards females or individuals outside of the gender binary (I only have a few IRL acquaintances in this last category, however, so I would say the data is still inconclusive). That being said, I feel secondary sensual attraction to pretty much everyone who feels sensual attraction to me. If you want to cuddle me (as an end in and of itself, not as a means), then chances are I will be happy to reciprocate. But I have a stronger initial attraction to males. I do not know why, I am just more drawn to their shape. I sometimes wonder that this is a mix of social conditioning/availability (I have more male friends, and males have always been more interested in being touchy-feely with me) rather than a naturally occurring preference, but it has been consistent enough that I am inclined to think there is some kind of wired-in propensity.

Even more interestingly, despite the fact that most of my friendships (cuddly or otherwise) are with males, when I think "platonic partner" I picture a woman. But I think this is just because the two people who have offered to share their lives with me platonically so far have been women (one is my sister, one is another aromantic asexual friend of mine).

All of that is a long, complicated way of saying that I do have certain gender preferences/instinctual biases, but when it came to a platonic life partner, gender would not matter to me. ;)

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1/100 of me

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

I think the only kind of relationship I could handle would be a casual friends-with-benefits thing, where the benefit would be an occasional cuddle.

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Lambda Corvus

Welcome Harmony. *noms on cake*

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

Oh hey, I'm one of those "do not know" people! I am not currently in a romantic or platonic relationship. I'm not even sure if I can experience romantic attraction, and I am intensely leery about the nature of any mysterious feelings which I may experience in the future.

Ideally, a relationship for me would be platonic. Close enough to discuss things, share feelings with, contemplate reality together, and mutually enjoy mundane and special activities. It would need to be based upon respect and admiration for each other's intelligences, and include an "I wish to be left alone right now" clause. Independent existence, yet codependent in some ways. Looking out for one another in the cold world that is out there.

<...>
I have another question, if you are aromatic, and however you choose to define the platonic relationship on your own term, then do you think you will have gender/sex preference if you choose to have platonic relationship?

I might as well just say that I am possibly-fluid aromantic. Is that okay? Can I respond to your query now?

I am pretty sure I would have gender preferences in a hypothetical platonic relationship, though they are quite broadly inclusive. Currently, I find it much easier to associate with individuals who are not strongly cisgender, both male and female. Part of this is a matter of understanding. Of course, this presumes that I can get close enough to a person to have a platonic relationship, which seems nigh impossible for hyper-introvert me.

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Prokhorov

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

Never been in a platonic or romantic relationship, and have no emotional desire to be in one...

However, more and more finding myself needing some type of partnership for more practical purposes. Been getting progressively socially awkward and extremely overwhelmed by large crowds - sitting at home alone on my down time makes me totally stir-crazy, but spending a night out on the town/treating myself to a restaurant is less and less of a viable option because of anxiety. And my several very close friends who used to try to hang out with me all the time...are now all married.

Also interested in travel and adventure now that my earnings have substantively exceeded my living costs, but again...all my friends are married now, their spouses have put the kibosh on skydiving and hiking in the Andes and everything fun like that, and doing it alone...just doesn't feel right.

Expected to feel old, boring, and lonely at some point in my life...didn't think it would start in my early 20s!

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the bumbling rotifer

Yay, an aro thread?

Count me in! ^_^

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Sgt Salt

Ooh, an aro forum! I'm definitely aromantic. I don't know whether I'm asexual or gray-a, but at the end of the day I always stand firm by aromantic.

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

I would LOVE to be in a platonic relationship. My dream future has a man who's my queerplatonic partner and we travel the word and stay together for a long time.

I have another question, if you are aromatic, and however you choose to define the platonic relationship on your own term, then do you think you will have gender/sex preference if you choose to have platonic relationship?

I have a thing for men. Maybe because I'm aesthetically attracted to them or I identify as transmasculin, but I really prefer men over women any day. Unfortunately I have a much harder time talking to men because they make me more nervous. :P

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Lambda Corvus

Yay, an aro thread?

Count me in! ^_^

You are welcome. But you know what they say?

"Once you join us, you can never leave *evil laugh*" :twisted:

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Stormharrier

I'm glad this thread's back :). The old one was my favourite in the whole forum (possibly cuz it was full of aros).

I'm not in a platonic relationship. Where do you even get one of those anyway? I wouldn't have the first clue where to begin - I'm bad enough at making friends (I mean I've got some friends, I just have no idea how it happened). Though if I did wind up in a platonic relationship somehow then I'd probably prefer someone on the female half of the gender spectrum since I'm generally more comfortable around girls.

I've never managed to figure out cuddling though. I hug people sometimes, though it feels a bit weird for anyone except my brother and parents. But cuddling is just... how? I tried cuddling up to my mum on the sofa when we were watching tv once and it was SO uncomfortable. It's all hips and shoulders and elbows and your arm goes dead and bleh. I think I gave up after a minute or so and decided to cuddle the dog instead. Animals are way better at it.

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krisym

I found out that apparently one of my friends has had a crush on and tried to flirt with me for the past 2 years. Until I was told this by one of my other friends, I had no clue whatsoever. It makes me feel pretty thick, but I don't have a single romantic bone in my body, so I guess my obliviousness was kind of expected. Have any of you had any similar situations?

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Lambda Corvus

I found out that apparently one of my friends has had a crush on and tried to flirt with me for the past 2 years. Until I was told this by one of my other friends, I had no clue whatsoever. It makes me feel pretty thick, but I don't have a single romantic bone in my body, so I guess my obliviousness was kind of expected. Have any of you had any similar situations?

I have had two such experiences, both involving people who were not even on the 'friend' level of social relationships.

The first person enjoyed playing the game of golf, and so I thought it might be fun to play a game with her. Apparently, that counted as dating and being madly in love. She became hurt after I didn't "return her affection".

The second was with someone who I enjoyed occasionally talking with. She invited me to a birthday barbeque, which was mildly uncomfortably for an introvert. When she became angry towards me a few months later, I wondered what was wrong. Turns out, she felt rejected because we were "in a relationship" which I, apparently, neglected.

Both of these scenarios left me clueless. After finding out their (former) feelings, I became further distanced from them. It was enough for me to just casually converse, so why did they need to force their romantic attraction upon me and presume we were in relationships?

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FiddleKid

Aromantic asexual here I didn't realise for a while there was anyone like me

Hi to all

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Dirge
Little late to the party, but here I am.


My romantic orientation took longer to figure out that my sexuality or gender identity. For a while, I thought that I might be panromantic, just because I didn't seem to have a preference between genders. The same reason a lot of aces seem to initially suspect that they are bi - disinterest can be mistaken for extremely low interest in all available options.


Under the right circumstances, I still like romance that doesn't involve me. I'll get starry-eyed over the most adorable couples or sit and sigh as Ella Fitzgerald sings about all that could be real if only you believe in her. I just...can't see my personality allowing for a romantic relationship that would satisfy both parties.


I mean, I have to be coaxed into cuddling. I don't kiss (I have before, and, well, it felt like a sloppy union of mouths). When I did try a romantic attachment, the primary complaint of the other party was that I made them feel like 'just a friend'. I occupy myself with writing, thinking about writing, and retreat from social situations in which I am likely to be assaulted with words.


I might like to try a platonic relationship, but...honestly, I don't know. Given the scarce, quiet way in which I interact with most people, I am not sure that I could spare the social energy to satisfy someone in even an exclusive platonic sense.

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FiddleKid

Cuddling and kissing.. I don't understand how people like that stuff, I thought hugs were bad enough, platonic relationships are my preference but even the word relationship is too much. I would maybe like to live with someone but seperate rooms and sitting close but not touching on the sofa things like that and the only form of contact is shaking hands that's as far as a platonic relationship would go for me.

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Lambda Corvus

Aromantic asexual here I didn't realise for a while there was anyone like me

Hi to all

Welcome, FiddleKid.

Little late to the party, but here I am.
My romantic orientation took longer to figure out that my sexuality or gender identity. For a while, I thought that I might be panromantic, just because I didn't seem to have a preference between genders. The same reason a lot of aces seem to initially suspect that they are bi - disinterest can be mistaken for extremely low interest in all available options.
Under the right circumstances, I still like romance that doesn't involve me. I'll get starry-eyed over the most adorable couples or sit and sigh as Ella Fitzgerald sings about all that could be real if only you believe in her. I just...can't see my personality allowing for a romantic relationship that would satisfy both parties.
I mean, I have to be coaxed into cuddling. I don't kiss (I have before, and, well, it felt like a sloppy union of mouths). When I did try a romantic attachment, the primary complaint of the other party was that I made them feel like 'just a friend'. I occupy myself with writing, thinking about writing, and retreat from social situations in which I am likely to be assaulted with words.
I might like to try a platonic relationship, but...honestly, I don't know. Given the scarce, quiet way in which I interact with most people, I am not sure that I could spare the social energy to satisfy someone in even an exclusive platonic sense.

Oh look, another familiar face.

Cuddling and kissing are completely foreign to me. Never had the chance to do it, probably never will. In the past, I had labelled myself as panromantic, for identical reasons. To an extent, that labeling is still present, though it has been subsumed into greyromantic. I wonder if it's time for a personal label change, in light of the sum total of experiences shared in this thread so far, and recent events.

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Half-Sky Che

So what kind of advice does anyone have concerning other ppl (romantics), that have no problem " forcing their romantic attraction upon me & presuming we are in relationships." - AlGorithm & Krisym hit the nail on the head saying an aromantic may very well be clueless. At some point, depending on the intensity, you might just get clubbed over the head (not really, but sorta.) This is happening 2me & I started realizing that ppl were thinking Im really thick & slow, but really I was ignoring it once I caught on. Its a regular hangout 4me, so I tried evading them by going on days I knew they wouldn't be there, but I felt bad because they are a good buddy. The spouse had 2 outright tell me I was wanted & that's when I couldn't stand it anymore & blurted out I was an Ace. . . It was awkward & I just wonder how else this can be handled. This person still refers 2 me as her lady & its very annoying 2 say the least.

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Lambda Corvus

So what kind of advice does anyone have concerning other ppl (romantics), that have no problem " forcing their romantic attraction upon me & presuming we are in relationships." - AlGorithm & Krisym hit the nail on the head saying an aromantic may very well be clueless. At some point, depending on the intensity, you might just get clubbed over the head (not really, but sorta.) This is happening 2me & I started realizing that ppl were thinking Im really thick & slow, but really I was ignoring it once I caught on. Its a regular hangout 4me, so I tried evading them by going on days I knew they wouldn't be there, but I felt bad because they are a good buddy. The spouse had 2 outright tell me I was wanted & that's when I couldn't stand it anymore & blurted out I was an Ace. . . It was awkward & I just wonder how else this can be handled. This person still refers 2 me as her lady & its very annoying 2 say the least.

It's never a good idea to conflate asexuality with aromanticism in the eyes of those who are not well informed. Sadly, there is a stereotype that all asexuals are aromantic, which completely neglects the fact that some asexuals feel romantic attraction and desire romantic relationships.

I can see how your situation would be precarious and annoying. If it is possible, I highly advise you to take time alone with the person. Sit down in a comfortable setting and explain what it means to be aromantic. Tell them that it is simply a lack of romantic attraction, and say how it affects you. In a way, you and them speak different languages; they are producing romantic signals, but being aromantic can mean they are missed or misinterpreted. The naive assumption that "everyone is romantic and just like me" does cause issues, and so you need to work towards correcting this assumption with them. Just be gentle, respectful, and understanding for them as well.

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ThaHoward

How can an aromantic be in a relationship? Is it some that seeks it?

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Lambda Corvus

How can an aromantic be in a relationship? Is it some that seeks it?

There are different types of relationships than just romantic, namely, platonic.

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Holsety

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

One giant nope. I get urges to be friends with people, but nothing more than that. The closest person I have is my sister who's been my best friend all our lives and has stuck with me when no one else has (I'm really bad at making friends). But I still protest when she tries to hug me. XD

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Abracadabra!

To me a romance is platonic only if it doesn't involve sex. Otherwise there is a sexual aspect to the relationship - as defined in Plato's Symposium.

If you're aromantic why would you want either type???:S

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byanyotherusername

So, I don't know how many people saw this topic posted by Ithaca about the articles on TheGoodMenProject. The topic was focused on the article about male asexuality challenging social ideas of masculinity, and that's what people seem to be focusing/commenting on, but I actually found the article "Life Partner" Is Not Synonymous with Romantic Partner really interesting. I thought it would be especially interesting to this group, since people have been discussing/asking about platonic partnerships and such. :)

This also reminded me of the Mosuo culture in China, here is a snippet about them from the wikipedia page:

All on-going sexual relationships in Mosuo culture are called "walking marriages." These bonds are "based on mutual affection."[9] When a Mosuo woman or man expresses interest in a potential partner, it is the woman who may give the man permission to visit her. These visits are usually kept secret, with the man visiting the woman's house after dark, spending the night, and returning to his own home in the morning.[10] Mosuo women and men can engage in sexual relations with as many partners as they wish.[12]

While a pairing may be long-term, the man never lives with the woman's family, or vice versa. Mosuo men and women continue to live with and be responsible to their respective families. The couple do not share property. The father usually has little responsibility for his offspring.[10] "It is the job of men to care more for their nieces and nephews than for their own children."[4] A father may indicate an interest in the upbringing of his children by bringing gifts to the mother's family. This gives him status within the mother's family, while not actually becoming part of the family. Whether or not the father is involved, children are raised in the mother's home and assume her family name.

I don't know, I find stuff like this really interesting, anyway. XD

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Goaty

Ooh, looks like fun! Count me in! Hi, everyone. :D

I don't think I'm romantically attracted. I only say maybe because sometimes I daydream about the future and there's pretty much always a husband there. Though maybe that's just society's expectations influencing my ideas of the future? I've never actually experienced romantic attraction anyway, I think just "squishes." So to answer this question...

AlGorithm, on 19 Jan 2014 - 10:22 AM, said:snapback.png

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

I think a platonic relationship might me nice (meaning basically living with a best friend and sort of cuddling but not doing anything intimate - too sexy for me!). I don't want to be lonely, which I fear might happen. I haven't met anyone I'd like to have a relationship with yet though, so I'm not sure if it's possible. Or maybe my friendships can be lumped in as platonic, my friends just don't know it. :P I do like being close to my friends, giving lots of hugs and the occasional mild cuddle, which is basically just resting heads on shoulders. Thinking about it, I'd be perfectly happy living with a friend, like roommates. Again, nothing that intimate, just a little close-ness. I guess just what I do with best friends now (which is not at all intimate in an intimate sense) but then living with that person. I think I have a few squishes on boys who I find really interesting but haven't been able to talk to because I'd feel awkward doing so. So maybe I'd have squishes on girls too if I couldn't really talk to them as well? Interesting to think about...

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swim2thesun

Demiromantic here, although I most often feel closer to aromantic demi seems just fine : )

AlGorithm, on 19 Jan 2014 - 12:22 PM, said:snapback.png

For everyone: are you in or do you desire to be in a platonic relationship? What about a romantic relationship, if you are one of those people who do experience romantic attraction, are fluid, or do not know? What are necessary qualities of these relationships?

well I've never been in a romantic relationship before and I can't say that I've thought about being in one all that much either. I have had a desire to be in a romantic relationship with maybe one or two people before but I don't even understand romance so yeah lol. I don't really think much about being in a platonic relationship either although I don't even really know what that would entail.

I have no idea what a relationship would really look like (yep so many good points coming from me) although i know that relationships are built on agreements. Whatever's agreed on in the relationship agreement would then become necessities i guess. Stuff like what people are comfortable with, and support stuff like that.

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ZombieDracula

(not fully caught up on this thread yet)

Kissing: as to why, it's just something I happen to enjoy and what some others enjoy. I prefer no tongue (unless I'm in love with the other person or have a deep connection with them) usually. About the practicing with the hand, I read that in a magazine when I was younger (over ten years ago). Too weird.

Platonic vs romantic relationships: that depends on if it's monogamous or poly. I'm not monogamous myself. I'm not big on relationships in general these days, so I'm not sure where I stand on that part at the moment.

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Waist of Thyme

Hi, my name is Waist of Thyme and I'm aromantic.

I've never been romantically attracted to anyone. I've never wanted to be in a relationship or even try just to see what one is like.

I think being aromantic suits me perfectly because compromise is an important part of relationships, and I couldn't do that. I wouldn't want to go somewhere or do something I don't like to make someone else happy.

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Abracadabra!

Ahhh! So it seems many people on this thread have redefined a 'platonic' relationship as one that is neither romantic nor sexual. The corollary seems to be that the two people concerned will necessarily be best friends and want - for unexplained reasons - some kind of intimate physical touching.

How bizarre! Live with your best friend as if s(he) were your lover - cuddle but don't have sex.

This sort of thing has no appeal to me personally: it seems strangely claustrophobic and inappropriate. But if it's mutually agreeable to you and another then why not I suppose?!?

Weird! :S

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poindexter

Ahhh! So it seems many people on this thread have redefined a 'platonic' relationship as one that is neither romantic nor sexual. The corollary seems to be that the two people concerned will necessarily be best friends and want - for unexplained reasons - some kind of intimate physical touching.

How bizarre! Live with your best friend as if s(he) were your lover - cuddle but don't have sex.

This sort of thing has no appeal to me personally: it seems strangely claustrophobic and inappropriate. But if it's mutually agreeable to you and another then why not I suppose?!?

Weird! :S

Yeah, I don't get it either. To me, prolonged physical touch denotes a romantic relationship, not a platonic one but it obviously depends on what the people IN the relationship feel, not what some stupid outsider thinks X)

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FiddleKid

If a platonic relationship involves any kind of touching that isn't a simple handshake count me out, i'd even say seperate sofas for a platonic partner. No touching..

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Lambda Corvus

Ahhh! So it seems many people on this thread have redefined a 'platonic' relationship as one that is neither romantic nor sexual. The corollary seems to be that the two people concerned will necessarily be best friends and want - for unexplained reasons - some kind of intimate physical touching.

How bizarre! Live with your best friend as if s(he) were your lover - cuddle but don't have sex.

This sort of thing has no appeal to me personally: it seems strangely claustrophobic and inappropriate. But if it's mutually agreeable to you and another then why not I suppose?!?

Weird! :S

Yes, sometimes words here take on a bit different of a definition than in the outside world. Even with romantic relationships, it is up to the parties involved to define what that means for them; it is similar with platonic relationships, which may include intimate physical contact, or may not.

Actually, if I were involved in a platonic relationship, it would take me a long time to be comfortable with any manner of touch. Currently, even a light touch causes me to flinch. Less personally, if I don't know the person well, even a handshake is somewhat bothersome. My ideal platonic relationship would take account of this fact -- there would be no relationship otherwise.

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