Dan Savage... When your SO cheats, as an Ace, should you care?

[Guest]

pretty much anything Dan says is laughable. He has such a skewed view of things, and is apparently unable to take in and retain information.

I'm not sure about that. He occasionally does seem to have a valid point or two buried among rudeness and bullshit.

(I can understand folks only too well if they're reluctant to dig for it, though.)

[RoL34]

Things is, he HAS done good things. Remember, this is the man who turned Rick Santorum's name into a gay sex phrase that was the top search result on google for over a year. And the "It gets better" campaign has had a positive impact. It's just that he can't seem to keep his mouth shut on things he clearly doesn't understand.

[Touchofinsight]

Look no further than this for a long long list of all the people Dan Savage is completely insensitive to. There's a fantastic amount of asexual visibility in there :/

MMM tumblr always a credible source ^_^ (sarcasm)

[The Cakemeister]

Look no further than this for a long long list of all the people Dan Savage is completely insensitive to. There's a fantastic amount of asexual visibility in there :/

MMM tumblr always a credible source ^_^ (sarcasm)

considering the amount of quotes and citations it has, that one certainly is.

[ObsessedWithCats]

You can't build that kind of thing up without a decent basis to start it on - they're probably exaggerating and nit-picking in places but there's a limit to how far you can take that without it being obvious.

Tumblr may not be a good source, but it's a reasonable place to be gathering them together.

[Touchofinsight]

Look no further than this for a long long list of all the people Dan Savage is completely insensitive to. There's a fantastic amount of asexual visibility in there :/

MMM tumblr always a credible source ^_^ (sarcasm)

considering the amount of quotes and citations it has, that one certainly is.

Did you look into the citations? Or did you just see it and go ooh citations...

It doesn't link to any article.... that even mentions Dan savage... I even googled it washington post dan savage... or Washing post dan savage criminal....

Nothing containing what the "quotes" were stating.

Anyone can put quotes over something... but what is he quoting from... its no where to be found..

Where are the credible sources containing the information?

[Kagon]

While some people have already touched on this - this essentially comes down to trust and respect for your partner. Some asexuals don't care if their partner finds "a piece of action" somewhere else, and that is fine. Hopefully that's a conversation that has already come up so that the sexual partner isn't breaking any trust or disrespecting the boundaries of their relationship when this comes up.

But to assert that this is necessary in *ALL* asexual relationships is just crap. A lot of asexuals still want that exclusive romantic relationship - and there is nothing wrong with wanting that or expecting that it be respected. Some asexuals may be willing to compromise sexually, some may not be. I would hope that in both cases, both sides have discussed their respective needs and boundaries, and are both honestly OK with where things sit. But *regardless* of how any individual relationship looks, to go outside the boundaries that have been established and to break the trust of your partner is never OK.

[The Cakemeister]

Look no further than this for a long long list of all the people Dan Savage is completely insensitive to. There's a fantastic amount of asexual visibility in there :/

MMM tumblr always a credible source ^_^ (sarcasm)

considering the amount of quotes and citations it has, that one certainly is.

Did you look into the citations? Or did you just see it and go ooh citations...

It doesn't link to any article.... that even mentions Dan savage... I even googled it washington post dan savage... or Washing post dan savage criminal....

Nothing containing what the "quotes" were stating.

Anyone can put quotes over something... but what is he quoting from... its no where to be found..

Where are the credible sources containing the information?

Oh no, the obviously satirical post by "thewishwashingtonpost" that was tagged with "#satire" wasn't real‽ My reality is shattered!

While I will give you the fact that the first page has no citations, that doesn't mean that the rest of it doesn't. As for quotes, here's one.

I certainly hope you're not another asexual/minimally sexual person who wants a normally sexual partner because you take a perverse pleasure in depriving someone else of sex, constantly rejecting that person's advances, and ultimately destroying their confidence.

Honestly, just google "Dan Savage [minority other than gay]"

[Touchofinsight]

That is a very dangerous "satire" seeing as there is no indicators that it is satire. No disclaimers outside of a tiny 12 font print in the middle of the page full of bold print as someone who isn't a regular visitor. This in a world where people skim headlines and only read through the first few paragraphs. Satire isn't something that translates well over the internet... just stop, its very irresponsible.

[marmalade-cats]

I'm monogamous. I only want one partner, and I want that partner to only want me. I don't want to have to share someone. Even if they say they aren't going to be emotionally involved with someone else, just physically, it would be a deal-breaker for me.

I think I'm allowed to be so selfish as to only want my partner to be with me. If they can't accept me not being sexually focused, then they aren't for me. That's why I've got no problem waiting to find a relationship. I know not having sex is as much a deal-breaker for some people as having it is for me. And it's not like I'll never have sex again, that's just some kind of ideal dream I have. I just don't feel the need at all.

[PurveyorOfBadPuns]

I'm very angry with Dan Savage for that one. I would personally be okay with a significant other seeking sex from other sources as long as I knew about it and we discussed it in advance, but never EVER behind my back. That would be an immediate deal breaker.

[sasha123]

Cheating is never right, if I had a sexual partner and through communication we came to the conclusion that a compromise between me engaging in sex and it not being often enough for them then I would be open to having an open relationship where they could get that side of themselves fullfilled. But its not something that should be hidden or lied about. Cheating is unacceptable because it involves sneaking, lying and manipulation. I'd rather know where my partner is at, who they're with and the health history of the person they're with. I may not be sexual with a partner but I'm assuming we're still going to cuddle or maybe kiss and definitely at some point I'll come in contact with some form of their bodily fluids even if its just a paper cut. I need to know if any one they're potentially with has anything I may be exposed to even if I never meet them.

I'm not going to be okay with a partner cheating regardless of our sex life together. Its one of those things I can't even begin to compromise on. I never have (I found my partner of 3 years cheating on me and left that night packing everything into the car and sleeping in it) and I never will. There are other avenues we can explore if they are willing to honestly communicate.

This is a very interesting but ambiguous topic, if looked at from both sides of a sexual-asexual couple. It is rather facile for the asexual part to assume that because her sexual partner had sex with another woman that is cheating. In my opinion it is only cheating if he does it in hiding, or if there's a romantic interest.

Not in secret, but in hiding, as in actively trying to hide it. He doesn't come the next morning and declares that he had sex with someone else, but if asked he will not hide it. In a sexual relationship it is implicit that sex will be shared, but when is no longer shared, these exclusivity commitments suddenly need to be explicit.

My reasoning is that if cheating is involved, both sides could cheat, in different ways. It is just that the asexual partner would cheat without having sex - as sex is a completely unimportant part of her emotional makeup. He/she could find herself romantically attracted and involved with other people and still be with her partner for different reasons. Is that less cheating?

Sasha

[NotAllHere]

I'm bad at the quote thing, so this is directed at that post above me.

Yes, asexuals can cheat on their partner. They can even sexually cheat on their partner for a variety of reasons, I would assume. And yes, if the couple decided to be exclusive and there was an agreement that 'no sex with other people' then when the sexual breaks that rule, they cheated. It's not about the sex- it about the betrayal of trust, whether they willingly admit it or try to hide it. Because it goes against parameters established by the couple for their relationship. And the asexual has every right to be upset; whether or not the person hides it or admits it easily, the breach of trust has still happened.

Only if the two agree to be open or poly or some other sexual arrangement that allows for it is it okay for the sexual to seek sex elsewhere. Either have a new discussion with your partner, or break up. That is always an option, you know- then you can go have all the sex with others you want. Problem solved.

Dan Savage... *shudders*

[sasha123]

I'm bad at the quote thing, so this is directed at that post above me.

Yes, asexuals can cheat on their partner. They can even sexually cheat on their partner for a variety of reasons, I would assume. And yes, if the couple decided to be exclusive and there was an agreement that 'no sex with other people' then when the sexual breaks that rule, they cheated. It's not about the sex- it about the betrayal of trust, whether they willingly admit it or try to hide it. Because it goes against parameters established by the couple for their relationship. And the asexual has every right to be upset; whether or not the person hides it or admits it easily, the breach of trust has still happened.

Only if the two agree to be open or poly or some other sexual arrangement that allows for it is it okay for the sexual to seek sex elsewhere. Either have a new discussion with your partner, or break up. That is always an option, you know- then you can go have all the sex with others you want. Problem solved.

Dan Savage... *shudders*

In a sexual-asexual couple that change of configuration (going poly after living a monogamous sexual life for a while) is fraught with indecision and second guessing. I am sure many couples here have gone through that and know what I am talking about.

Assume a theoretical situation between a sexual male and a female who just discovered her asexuality. She may say "I don't mind if you are finding what you are looking for somewhere else", but then discovers that she is hurt nevertheless, by some circumstance more than others, and doesn't see the situation as being driven by her but by the partner unreasonable sexual drive. The sexual partner in turn, after reverting to a monogamous life at her request, discovers that he is now hurt by her extended absences or his asexual partner spending nights with other sexual men, even if sex doesn't take place. It becomes very hard for both to see what is it that he/she is doing wrong, since they both feel as committed as before and don't see themselves as breaking the trust.

Thank you for the fast rules (discuss-agree-don't break the trust) but in my opinion there's a lot more ambiguity out there, and the particulars of each case make rules like that unworkable. If they work for you, congratulations - no sarcasm is intended.

In the end it comes down to absolute faith. But if absolute faith was required – emphasis on “absolute” - then no incident matters at all and there’s never any cheating.