beadger Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 My husband recently came out to me as transgender, but because of our circumstances he is not able to transition for a while (until our autistic son is old enough to understand) and as a result, I think that he might be housing some resentment. Not only that, but I am having a difficult time dealing with all of this as well. What a HUGE change! I've always known him as a man and for that to suddenly change, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm doing the right things or if the things I'm doing are enough... or even if I can do the things he needs me to do... I feel lost and confused.... at times I even feel hurt. Are any of you in similar circumstances? Or had experiences similar to mine? What should I do?? Link to post Share on other sites
ithaca Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 In my opinion the first thing to do is sit down with your partner and talk. Do they want you to recognize them as a woman, even though their body is masculine? I think that may be behind their coming out. Would it help them feel better? If they say yes, then your first supportive thing will have to drop the "he" and use "she" and talk about them as a woman, not a man. I've seen at least one member in your situation here, so I hope they see this thread and give you better advice :) Best of luck with your relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Amedot Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 My girlfriend is a transgirl... meaning she was assigned male at birth. It's not the same as being married to someone and having their child, but it was still difficult for me at first. Someone I thought was a guy wasn't... & I felt hurt, wondering why she didn't trust me to tell me sooner, why it took years into the relationship for her to trust me enough with this knowledge. But now I realize she had never trusted anyone with that before, and it took her a long to accept the truth herself. What should you do? You should talk to your partner about this, a lot. Your partner should go to a doctor and talk about this-- just because your partner doesn't think they'll transition with hormones any time soon, doesn't mean they shouldn't get emotional and medical support from medical professionals. You guys should see a counselor together, I found that helped with me-- just being able to talk about insecurities and worries about how family would receive this news, etc, with a medical professional who understood the situation really helped me a lot. You should talk about your feelings, your transition goals for the future, and expectations for the present and future with your partner. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
beadger Posted December 16, 2013 Author Share Posted December 16, 2013 Well, we have talked about it and how he wants to express himself and what he wants to come of it now and in the future... He's decided (completely without my influence) that he will not do anything to change his appearance or pronoun (aside from shaving and no longer keeping a beard) until our son is older as he just began to get a good grasp on the idea of having a 'mom' and 'dad' as well as our roles in his life. I feel bad because I agree that he should probably wait to do these drastic changes... and I also have a small fear that this 'change' could perhaps be a negative bi-product of my asexuality. As a man who produces testosterone, he almost certainly has a higher sex drive than what I require or desire from our relationship. This is something that I can see as bothersome because he has a drive and I do not and he will forfeit his 'needs/wants' for my happiness (because he is an amazing partner)... so in response I'm not surprised that he hates wanting to have sex when I do not... thus feeling like he should be more feminine and with a lower level of testosterone and hence a lower sex drive. EDIT: He is currently going to a trans-support group that meets once per week and he also plays cards with a group of friends that are tg twice per week. Link to post Share on other sites
Amedot Posted December 16, 2013 Share Posted December 16, 2013 . As a man who produces testosterone, he almost certainly has a higher sex drive than what I require or desire from our relationship. This is something that I can see as bothersome because he has a drive and I do not and he will forfeit his 'needs/wants' for my happiness (because he is an amazing partner)... so in response I'm not surprised that he hates wanting to have sex when I do not... thus feeling like he should be more feminine and with a lower level of testosterone and hence a lower sex drive. I'm not your partner so I can't speak for them but generally, transsexuality doesn't work that way. You haven't caused their gender identity disorder (which is what the diagnosis is, if they become diagnosed in the future), and so it's important you don't feel afraid or guilty and don't try to psycho-analyze your partner. You aren't their therapist after all I'm glad you guys have talked about the future and I'm glad to hear they're going to a trans-support group. You just have to take things slow and talk a lot and don't be afraid to go to a support meeting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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