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Joke Time!

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#1 canguy


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Posted 14 December 2013 - 08:53 PM

I love jokes and I'd love to hear some of your funnies, whether their from the internet, a friend or from your very own creative mind this is the place to laugh!


Here's one: (p.s its a religious joke but in no way meant to be offensive to anyone)


So during a hurricane a guy climbs to the roof of his house because all the streets are flooded. He sees no way to escape so he prays, he says "Dear God I need your help to escape this hurricane, I shall wait on this roof until you give me a sign. Amen"


20 minutes later a national guard boat comes by and offers him help the man replies by saying "No thank you, God will save me"


An hour later the boat comes by again and one of the national guard officers says "Sir! This is your last chance! We cannot come back again you need to get it!" The man does not saying, "I asked God to save me and he will"


As the water was getting higher and winds stronger a helicopter came by and the pilot came over the intercom saying "Sir, we are going to lower a ladder, grab hold and we will get you out of here!!" the man yelled back saying "There is no need to lower a ladder, God will save me"


A few hours later the water levels rose to dangerously high levels and the man died, when he got to the pearly gates St. Peter and God were waiting there the man said to God "I prayed for your help! I waited for you to save me but you didn't! Do you not love me!?" God looked at him and said "Of course I love, but your an idiot. I sent you a boat twice AND a helicopter. What more did you want!?"

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"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

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#2 seneca


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Posted 15 December 2013 - 11:51 AM

For the Geeks
An Imperial storm trooper and a red shirt have a gun fight.
The storm trooper misses every shot.
The red shirt dies anyway.
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#3 Glyn


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Posted 15 December 2013 - 11:47 PM

A nun rushes into the Mother Superior's office and says:  "Mother Superior!  Mother Superior!  I think we've found a case of syphilis!"


"Thank goodness for that!" replies Mother Superior.  "I was getting tired of the Chardonnay!" :P

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"I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear." - Freddie Mercury

"I am not going to be a star.  I am going to be a legend!" - Freddie Mercury

#4 Waist of Thyme

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Posted 16 December 2013 - 05:28 AM

What do pigs use when they get a cut?



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I think when I grow up I'll become a book about the history of people cracking their knuckles. That way, cows won't feel like they have to smear cinnamon on the foreheads of elderly snowballs just to avoid being taxed for singing about jelly beans. This will also introduce people on Mercury to light bulbs, which would satisfy their desire to eat lemonade pizza and hug dolphins at the same time. :D

#5 theotherfey


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Posted 19 December 2013 - 04:40 AM

What does the universe use to make itself look better?


Cosmetics ;) (you know, cosmos)

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#6 cryptic_cynic



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Posted 20 December 2013 - 12:48 PM

What's better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
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"People are strange, when you're a stranger.  Faces look ugly, when you're alone."

-The Doors

#7 seneca


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Posted 23 December 2013 - 11:45 AM

And then there was the composer they could never find, because he was Haydn.
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#8 Glyn


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Posted 24 December 2013 - 01:37 AM

In latest news from Britain, the BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has sadly been sacked.


A BBC spokesman has said that after the recent Jimmy Saville scandal, they no longer trust anyone claiming they can fix it!

AVEN - home of the 509th Super Stunt Pigeons Corps!

"I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear." - Freddie Mercury

"I am not going to be a star.  I am going to be a legend!" - Freddie Mercury

#9 Hazel lights

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Posted 29 December 2013 - 01:35 AM

I saw this one on the internet, sorry not sorry. A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time, but eventually gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long, but he waits and obtains the rental. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long, but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom his date asks him to get some punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there's no punchline.
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     “I didn't stand for anything. If I wanted to matter - even just to myself - I would have to be less free, by deciding to choose in some kind of definite way.” 

                                                                                                                                                            ― David Foster WallaceThe Pale King



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Posted 30 December 2013 - 03:17 AM

A termite walks into the bar and says "Hey, is the bar tender here?"

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U MAD BRO?I guess I'm sick,dead,or lying

#11 Vivi


    titles dont suit me

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Posted 31 December 2013 - 03:32 AM

how do candy bars laugh
they snicker

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"What other think of you i none of your damn business - the only person opinion of you that should matter is YOURS"

#12 Robin L

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Posted 31 December 2013 - 08:50 AM

A person is walking on a prairie, carrying a telephone booth and a big stick. When asked why he carried the telephone booth, they replied "so I can take cover when a lion attacks". As for the stick, "so I can drop the stick and run faster when a lion attacks".
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I like to write poems when I feel like it. They're collected on my blog A Touch of Gold (thread).
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#13 TeaMistress


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Posted 31 December 2013 - 11:55 PM

One day Thor is riding through Asgard on his horse and he yells "I am mighty Thor!" And the horse says "that's because you forgot the thaddle thilly."
Sorry, not sorry.
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I self medicate with tea. 

#14 VindicatorPhoenix


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Posted 01 January 2014 - 06:11 AM

GEEK WARNING! Sometimes I tell people that I'm interested in fields. They ask: "What kind? Corn fields? Wheat fields?" I tell them: electromagnetic fields.  :lol:

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