Embarrassing problem - attraction to MUCH OLDER people?

[Flowers and Ghosts]

Hi --

This is taking a lot of bravery to post on a forum as myself, as opposed to on a dud account where I'm sure to remain anonymous. This is really embarrassing for me, and it has been reoccurring since I was at least ten or eleven years old. I'm posting this here in an attempt to find others who can relate, although I realize that is unlikely.

I have this habit of becoming, at the very least, romantically attracted to older women. I'm a girl myself, and I mostly identify as panromantic, but this isn't just like forty year olds. I'm talking fifty or sixty. Around that spectrum, not so terribly elderly but not exactly in the 'socially acceptable' range. The first time this ever happened, I was eleven and I had a huge crush on a guidance counselor at my school. She was in her late forties. After that, it was my teacher; I was twelve or thirteen-- she was at least sixty.

Right now, it's happening again. I can't even put into words how mortified I feel about this. It's someone I know and she's at least sixty. I feel like a lovesick schoolgirl, I love the perfume she wears and the way that she talks, her voice, sometimes she will hug me and I just melt! But she is a literal grandmother. Granted, her grandchildren are very young, but this is still NOT okay!! I feel so weird and disgusting for this but at the same time, it makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to.

Does anyone else relate?? Maybe it's an asexual thing. Or not.

I was thinking maybe it has something to do with my fear/dislike of sexuality and older women like that are usually not viewed as sexual or as predatory like men or even younger women might be.

It also might be a "mommy issue," as I've never been 'nurtured' by my mother in ways a lot of other people have.

It also also might stem from a desire to feel attracted to people who have no chance of ever returning the feeling. I often feel attracted to gay men and maybe this is why? Almost every person I've ever "crushed" on has been an unrequited thing. Maybe I have just gotten so used to that, that anything else requited scares me?

I appreciate any insight. I'm so terrified of being judged for this but it feels good getting it off my chest. :redface:

[DieWalkure]

It's totally ok....just because something is not average or typical does not make it wrong. I see by your profile that you are an adult, and basically so long as you're capable of making informed adult choices, you don't need to worry about what other people might think about your preferences.

[Guest]

It's actually really common for people to have crushes on older, wiser people in their lives. You know how many times a teacher has to turn down a student, because they are crushing on the cool, wise, authority figure full of knowledge? Now, granted, you may get some "ewww, old people" responses if you're really young and told someone your own age. But, it's not that abnormal. :) And there is nothing wrong with it. If you are underage, they obviously can't reciprocate, but once you're old enough (if you aren't already) there are plenty of older men/women looking for a younger person to have a relationship with IF that is something you'd be interested in. The only down side to being with someone so much older is eventually, they are going to get old enough to not be able to live independently and the older they are, the sooner that comes. But, there is also a lot about life someone that age can teach you. Also, if someone responds negatively just go "So, you think Patrick Stewart is gross? You know he was voted sexiest man in two different competitions right?" :D

[CakeMuncher]

Oh my god, me too!

When reading your post I thought you could be describing me! I am romantically attracted to both older women and older men, though I find myself much more drawn to women. I'm 28 and I tend to gravitate to the 60-70ish area, but the oldest woman I've found myself attracted to is 86! When I tell people about my squishes, they tend to be all: "You like HER?/HIM?" so I don't really say anything about it. For me, the first time I felt attracted to an older woman I was 12. Her name is Maria and she was 38 at the time. At the same time, I had a squish on a guy named Al that was 54. Not ancient, but both felt so old to me then. In fact, both were older than my parents. I've never thought about the fact that it could be a sex-fear thing but it certainly seems plausible. I have however thought that it could be a "mommy issue" as my mother was not a nurturer either. Even if it's a mommy issue, it's still the way you feel and there is no shame in feeling the way you feel, even if others don't understand it. I too find myself attracted to gay men who, as it happens, are usually much older, such as E, who is 74.

The unrequited thing is a problem for me as well. -sigh- I know that in the future I would like to enter into a real relationship with one of these women, however, there is one downside to consider. My time with them would almost certainly be very limited. My most recent reality check came earlier this year when Al passed away at the age of 70 from cancer. Another lady squish, Gerri passed away a few years ago at 82 after a series of strokes. Frances, my 86 year old squish is in good heath, but nearing 90, she has long surpassed life expectancy and I dread the day she is no longer here. With this reality and the fact that I'm just not ready to settle down, I am content to love Maria, now 53, 66 year old Julie, 75 year old Ellen and 86 year old Frances from afar, cherishing them while I still have them here.

So in conclusion: I get it. I'm the same way. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with you. Hope this helps

[Philip027]

I've generally preferred being in the company of older people, even when I was much younger. It's perhaps no coincidence that my first relationship partner ended up being twice my age.

This sort of thing is more common than you might think, as Serran suggests.

[Sally]

Just a note that the OP posted 3 years ago and probably isn't "listening" anymore.

[CakeMuncher]

Just a note that the OP posted 3 years ago and probably isn't "listening" anymore.

Just in case. ^_^

[Ms.Frankenstein]

Yep! I've only ever been attracted in any way to much older men. I just cannot have a "socially acceptable" relationship and I've accepted that (as I get older, who knows?) At this point in my life, I am not interested in a relationship so it's not really an issue.

My ex was convinced that I was going to leave him for someone my own age. The guy was clueless no matter how many times I explained! LOL that was super awkward. But no, that was never going to happen. :D

[dragon_cake]

I'm attracted (may or may not be crush) to a guy who speaks a completely different language and he's around ten or twelve years older than me T_T I can understand how awkward it feels to have the tendency to have feelings for older people.

I'm not sure if it's aesthetic attraction or if I'm a sucker for musicians.

To be honest, I'm waiting for this possible crush to die down I'm embarrassed enough and we're both out of each other's league for various reasons I can think of.