~Rikki~ Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Hopefully this is in the right place. I met this guy (I'll call him CJ though that's not his name), roughly a week and a half ago. He's allosexual (meaning sexual). Now I thought I'd never date/get into a relationship with an allosexual again. However, I guess we're currently dating. CJ knows I'm asexual (I've explained it all plus the gray ace stuff) and isn't putting any pressure on me to have sex (though he said if/when I'm ready that we can if I want). I've explained that it most likely won't happen for months. We're not in a relationship as of yet, just getting to know each other. There's only been hugs, kisses, one heavy make out session (we both were drunk [we're both legally allowed to drink by the way] which is why we even admitted our feelings on Saturday), and cuddling, for touch. He's patient. We haven't fully discussed exactly what sex would be like in a relationship, if it got that far. I mentioned everything he would need to know in regards to sex related stuff. I'm not sure if he fully understands the ace stuff or not. I don't want to directly link him to this site/forums right now. But is there other sites I can link him to that might be helpful? Or any advice to see if this could work out? I like the way things are now (without the sex [by MY definition by the way]). But that doesn't mean it won't become difficult later on. The only thing I ask is to not have people suggest having sex as a compromise to make it work. That's not going to be in the cards for months, maybe never. I've made it as clear as I possibly could. So I haven't given any false hope or anything. Thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivi Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Well then Im not going to suggest since you already have that in the back of your mind and thats not an issuse. What I beleive is an issuse is youre not sure if he knows what extent of asexual you are and to that I say dont worry because until an incident comes up he wont. he is paitient he is understanding anyouve already told him what you are. Just enjoy the ride and work on developing a deep emotional trust and understanding that way when sex does comes to the homefront it will seem less like a compromise and stressful IF it gets to that point Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted November 25, 2013 Share Posted November 25, 2013 Glad this is off to such a good start for you, and that he is very patient and understanding. Blogs about asexuality advice: http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/http://asexualsanonymous.tumblr.com/http://asexualadvice.tumblr.com/A post about mixed relationships, with an emphasis on trying to understand each other's perspectives: http://neutrois.me/2011/03/29/an-asexualsexual-relationship/ Link to post Share on other sites
~Rikki~ Posted November 26, 2013 Author Share Posted November 26, 2013 Thanks for the links. I'll have to check them out fully soon. :) I just worry things might change if/when we get into an actual relationship? I don't even know if that'll happen or not though. I've explained that my sex drive is also pretty low, and he says he doesn't care about that (meaning it's not a problem for him). He's coming over again today (with lunch), and we'll probably talk about it a little more maybe. I have a friend (who I will call "X") who keeps trying to put in perspective (his words) that CJ could just be messing with me or just waiting for sex to happen or something (X was around with the last two men who turned out to just be using me), which gets my own doubts going. I don't do well with relationships in general. But he makes me laugh. And it's not a whole "jump into bed and leave" type thing. We played Phase 10 for awhile before cuddling on Sunday. Today there won't be much more than eating because I'm "sick" (nothing he can catch thankfully, just some inner problem with my stomach). I don't want to lead him on either, which is why I make sure to tell him often that I'm asexual and that there's a huge chance sex won't happen. It's all so nerve wracking, especially since I'm confused and it took me awhile to realize it was sexual attraction/a crush until another person (a very, very pretty girl) would point and laugh at me behind his back then start dancing with him. I kept going back and fourth "squish no crush squish no crush" until that point. It took him awhile to realize I like him (he liked me too but didn't know how to tell me). When I first met him I thought he was cute (not sexual attraction). Then we talked, got to know each other, hung out, then Friday is when I started getting confused. Saturday, is when we figured stuff out (the basics anyway). Link to post Share on other sites
Member54880 Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 You're welcome. :)That is tricky, not knowing if his expectations will change if you get into a relationship with him. Your friend is trying to look out for you, but to be more sure if going without sex wouldn't be a problem, you should ask what significance and priority does sex have to him in a relationship. If sex is a low priority for him, he may be fine having a relationship without it. If you were to discuss this with CJ, would you also want X there as a third party, or would you want the discussion to be between just you and CJ? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 The best you can do is put all your cards on the table. Be honest and open. Which, it sounds like you have already done. From that point, if he still feels like "waiting for sex" is a good idea, that is his fault and not yours. Though, your friend sounds a little cynical to think that is what he is doing. It's entirely possible, but going in always assuming the worst won't get anyone anywhere. I know your friend is trying to keep you from getting your hopes up, but sometimes a little hope isn't a bad thing. :) I would suggest showing him swankivy's site and youtube channel if you want him to know about asexuality without directly linking him here. http://swankivy.com/writing/essays/philosophy/asexual.html - Her stuff is calm, well thought out and covers most the stuff of what asexuality is/isn't. She has stuff aimed at classrooms, asexuals figuring themselves out and various other situations for discussing asexuality. Link to post Share on other sites
~Rikki~ Posted December 9, 2013 Author Share Posted December 9, 2013 I didn't get emailed for these last two responses. So just a little update: X and I aren't friends anymore. He decided he didn't want to be anymore. On Thursday CJ and I had sex, had an argument early Saturday morning (long long story that I don't feel like getting into right now), and then he ended stuff earlier today because of my gender identity, which I had told him about when I first met him. Such is my life with relationships never working out. Link to post Share on other sites
passionatefriend61 Posted December 9, 2013 Share Posted December 9, 2013 So basically, your friend X was right. You finally have sex with this guy, and three days later, he's done with you completely. Sexual people..... Unbelievable. Link to post Share on other sites
~Rikki~ Posted December 10, 2013 Author Share Posted December 10, 2013 I mean CJ says it had to do with my gender identity (because I stated that I want to go on testosterone at some point in the far future after having my own biological kids). I just can't help but feel it's because he really wanted sex. Which he has stated he hadn't had in awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
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