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The Success Stories Thread


The Great WTF

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I think it's great for those who've had successes. I, myself, have had one. However, again, I get the general sense that people mostly want to commiserate on this site and not hear about positive experiences. It's probably why I seem to read so much negativity on here. It's probably why it often seems like not many happy people are on this site and why it seems like few people share positive experiences here. I thought it might help people to share some of my wisdom and felt like I could give back to the community in some way by doing so, however, I'm starting to think it's not worth my time or emotional energy to post on here anymore, especially not in the success stories, dating, or relationship threads. Sadly, I think AVEN is actually taking away from my happiness more than it's adding to it these days. People will believe what they want to believe and live their lives accordingly. We're only responsible for our own happiness and some of us will never accept that. Our mindset and attitude makes a huge difference in this life and I think AVEN may need to no longer be a part of mine (or much less of mine) because, sadly, I don't feel as good from my interactions on this site anymore and I dislike all the negativity I encounter on here lately, especially in regards to people who share positive experiences and especially in threads made for people to share positive experiences. I think I've learned some valuable lessons here and I'm going to try and make more changes in my own life now to make my life even better, even if one of those changes is being less active on AVEN. I still think this is relevant to this thread even though it's a bit off topic because, overall, I count my time on AVEN as a success. I wish everyone the best. :cake:

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El-not-so-ace

Update: Not single anymore. :3

I actually met someone off of acebook that said he thought was a demisexual. About half a year later, I met him in-person. My crush for him just grew and I felt so comfortable with him that it was like being with a best friend. I even had a short moment thinking that my calmness meant that I didn't feel anything extra towards him.

I also tried erasing as much of my repulsion towards the idea of some things he might want to do eventually and auto-evaluated myself to face whether I was really an asexual or not...

Forward another half a year and I think we've both seen that we were just willing to wait a long time and didn't really trust early on... So we're possibly not even demis but just actually didn't find the right guy/girl yet... Which feels like a slap in the face to asexuals, sorry for going "mainstream". ^^'''

Either way, I'm happy to have waited for someone that deserves being my boyfriend and who I want to be the very best for too. ^^ I'm super happy and even though I sometimes remember that this can end, I try to just appreciate the happy moments and love him. :D

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Reading these posts, it makes me hopeful and have some faith that I won't have to be alone forever. ^_^

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My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He's also asexual / demisexual. We actually came out to each other pretty much this year and I think it was a huge relief to both of us. I always suspected that he was asexual but I didn't want to sort of come up to him and he all "hey, are you asexual?" because awkward.

We have 3 kids, we're intimate with each other but that is only because we're deeply emotionally connected.


We met online. I'm thankful that the internet exists because I could never get past that whole weird awkward physical expectation of dating someone in real life. I don't like people touching me if I have no emotional connection with them and, of course, when you're dating most people want to touch you. The internet puts up a natural barrier that forces you to make an actual emotional / intellectual connection with someone. If it wasn't for that I likely would have never gotten married and had kids.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Storm Lantern

Well, it's not exactly a fairytale ending, but here's mine.

I've "always" known that I didn't think about attraction and relationships in the same way as other people (I'd actually told people "my brain works differently"), but it took me a while to come around to the idea of being asexual.

Once I was sure, I knew I needed to tell my parents, so I set aside some time where it would be just the three of us. I'm naturally a nervous person, so it took me a while to work up the nerve to say it out loud. Once I did, we had a five minute conversation about what this meant, whether I was sure, and what it meant for my future, then we went back to what we were doing. Over the few days I had similar conversations with each of my siblings (some easier than others), and they all more-or-less got the idea.

Since then, I've been having an ongoing conversation with my mom about it, and I'm coming around to who, exactly, I am.

Don't know how this is all going to end, but at least I'm off to a good start.

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I'm not sure whether this counts as a success story. For a short time I was in a LDR with a demi. It was definitely lovely as long as it lasted and I regret nothing.

Don't see why not. Relationships don't necessarily have to play out until someone dies. If you're still able to become a better/happier person through a relationship that's terminated, I see no reason why you can't still call it a success. ;)

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I just want to say thank you all so much for posting here! It's so uplifting to read so many positive stories.

I'm a gray-A heteroromantic in a relationship with a straight guy. I'm not opposed to sex but I do find it a challenge most of the time. We're really committed to each other and I do believe that our relationship will last the test of time. But there are times when it's pretty hard, and it's so great to read other people's success stories on here and know that it is possible!

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TheButterflyComposer

I never thought I'd be on this thread but...

Day one of University this academic year I found Katie, whom within a week was my girlfriend and is after almost five months the absolute best I could have wished for in a romantic partner and more. I don't pretend to know the future, for me or anyone else but I hope and will strive to ensure she is in mine and I am in hers.

Not much else I can say apart from that the very young asexuals reading this now (so 10+ to 15) can certainly find romance if they so desire. I not only had a touching problem when I was that age but was, for environmental or otherwise reasons, about as asexual as you can possibly be without becoming robotic. I don't know whether my romantic orientation changed or started to kick in over the last few months but whatever has occurred, I like it. I'm becoming a better person and she is both incredibly understanding of my sexuality and open with me about hers.

I don't want to jinx anything but I have confidence I'll be able to post back here in a year's time with more on this unexpected pleasure :)

Stay strong everyone.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He's also asexual / demisexual. We actually came out to each other pretty much this year and I think it was a huge relief to both of us. I always suspected that he was asexual but I didn't want to sort of come up to him and he all "hey, are you asexual?" because awkward.

We have 3 kids, we're intimate with each other but that is only because we're deeply emotionally connected.

We met online. I'm thankful that the internet exists because I could never get past that whole weird awkward physical expectation of dating someone in real life. I don't like people touching me if I have no emotional connection with them and, of course, when you're dating most people want to touch you. The internet puts up a natural barrier that forces you to make an actual emotional / intellectual connection with someone. If it wasn't for that I likely would have never gotten married and had kids.

Ditto on the no touching, and hooray for interwebz!

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inactive12345

Long post ahead...

Not a success story in the "I found a partner who accepts me being asexual and we've been together for two years!" sense, more of the "I got over ace-related emotional baggage issues" kind of thing.

In the past, I was asexual, but completely unaware of it. This led to me being unable to make a meaningful relationship work out, and having no idea why. As I'm not totally sex-repulsed, I was (and am) able to fake being "sexual" from time to time. Combined with very low self-worth, this led to a number of meaningless casual encounters. At the time it was nice to pretend to be sexual for a night, and get my hopes up about ever being able to have a normal romantic relationship.

The first time I had a meaningful sexual relationship revealed just how terrible I was at pretending. But I'm stubborn, and didn't listen when my partner said "Maybe you don't like sex as much as you say you do." It got worse, then he turned manipulative and controlling. That took a while to get over.

In the aftermath of that incident, I figured out I might be asexual. For quite a while after that I went back and forth between "Ace and proud" and deep denial. The story came to a climax when I was sort-of sexually assaulted at a party (the situation looked like it would escalate to full-out rape, I went along with it so I could at the very least make sure we used protection), and then my oldest friend bribed me to have a threesome with his girlfriend for a $25 gift card to a burger place I like.

After that I figured out, yeah, I like making a partner happy with sex even though I don't get much out of it myself, but is my partner making me happy some other way in return? From those experiences I learned that I need to be able to respect myself and have some goddamn standards; that if I don't respect myself, then people aren't going to respect me either. I quit the waterskiing team where I met my almost-rapist, and cut ties with the bribing friend. It hurt for a while, but it's fine now.

Following that, I came out to my parents and sister which was a huge relief. And then over Christmas break 2015 my family visited my maternal grandparents. Both them and my paternal grandparents are dealing with Alzheimer's, and I expect them to start dropping like flies over the next few years. That made me realize that no matter how hard you try to shield yourself from getting hurt, it's impossible to escape, so why not take a few risks and enjoy the good times while they last? As 2015 turned into 2016, I honestly felt more alive and hopeful than I have in ages.

A couple days into this year, I saw a post in the Team Fortress 2 tag on tumblr that basically said "shy tf2 fangirl and sniperspy shipper seeks girlfiend." (I mentioned this part in another thread) I quite literally had nothing to lose--I'd come to terms with the possibility of being single for many years to come, and of the possible terrible outcomes... A number of them I've been through and come out okay in the end. I messaged her just for the hell of it. It's going well so far, but even if it doesn't go anywhere, what the hell. I tried, and it means that I'm done being crazy and I'm ready to accept a Player 2 in my life.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So. I have a new girlfriend and she is fantastic. We've only been dating a month, but I wanted to share this. We hung out last night. We had the scary but inevitable "I'm-asexual-but-willing-to-have-sex-because-I-like-and-care-about-you-and-it-feels-good" conversation. She explained that she has a low libido anyway, and doesn't want anything I don't want to give. And it doesn't matter what we do or don't do, she just wants loads of cuddles and kisses. She's fantastic. I'm lucky as hell.

It was incredibly scary for me to bring it up. My ex girlfriend was "understanding" at first, but would get very very angry and upset with me when I would lose all mental engagement with sex. (I find it so incredibly boring. It feels nice at first but oh my God is it dull)

So I was terrified to bring it up with my current lady. But it couldn't have gone more well.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been in a relationship with a sexual for a few months now. He was the first cismale I had sex with, and it helped me discovered that I was asexual and sex indifferent. I've always thought it was because of lack of passion I didn't like or get aroused by sex.
When I told him he was super sweet and even said he'd be all right with not having sex at all. He's very sexual so I was surprised. We still have sex sometimes, but I always have control over it.
He's a really great guy and I love him. Cuddly and way too cheesy. He used to be just a friend before, until I shamelessly charmed him. Haha. I'm hoping it will last as long as possible. I think our plans for the future is what's going to part us, and there's still sometime until then.

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  • 2 months later...

reading these makes me feel both hopeful and sad because I am nowhere near to posting my own success story. :S

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I haven't been on here in forever but this seems like the perfect place to jump back in (as if I was very active before :p )

His name is Alex. I think his initial interest in me spawned from my asexuality, since he didn't believe me when I told him. We started dating in February-ish, and I realized that I wasn't aromantic, I really just wasn't with the right guys (of course I'm not saying that anyone who's aro just hasn't met the right person, that just happened to actually be my case). I've never been in love before, but I love him. And he loves me. And we talk about a future together; a house, a dog, a cat, and even kids. Obviously we talk about this as a plan for the distant future, but we plan a future together. I've never felt that way before. I don't know what else to say except that I never thought I'd ever fall in love. Who knows what's going to happen in the future but for right now, he's my success story. It's hard for me to type that because I've always been okay on my own, wanting to be independent. I never wanted to have to say that someone else was the reason I was happy. I wanted to be happy on my own. I wanted to be a whole person, not someone's 'other' or 'better' half. But I know I am a whole person, I'm not his other half. Me being happy because I'm with him doesn't lessen who I am as an independent person. That's what makes this a success story for me. I'm able to fully be me, despite being with someone else. I don't have to hide any piece of me.

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  • 1 month later...
Siimo van der fietspad

I spent today, pretty much the entire day, in the company of a truly lovely young woman. We had met on Acebook a month or two ago, moved via email to Skype and I suggested a meetup. Nothing flashy, mostly strolling around her home area, lunch, drinks, endless conversation, cooking dinner, a bit of the tennis final. Shared a weightless first kiss in a park surrounded by flowers. I don't want to say too much, but we were quite intimate by the evening. Felt just totally...right. I've had girlfriends before but this was different, I felt for the first time ever this complete freedom, without having to worry about the no-sex thing, and could just be myself. She is just amazing, exactly the personality I can totally click with, beautiful blue eyes, and I'm going to hold on to her. (Actually that's not so hard, we both love cuddling).

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I love an asexual person. I myself am not asexual – just to clarify. We met at work and started out as friends, but then I felt that I was falling in love with him. He came out to me during one of our conversations where we shared some life stories and such, so we agreed to just stay friends. But I was falling deeper in love, and, I guess, he started having feelings for me, too.

It’s hard to describe what we have now… He comes to my place for a day or two, and during that time I’m completely happy. There’s a unique intimacy about our relationships – both physical and emotional. We don’t have sex, naturally, but, being a gray-ace, he taught me a lot about the meaning and value of a simple touch or a hug. Today he slept with his head in my lap and I realized that I love him – I’m not just “in love”, but so much more…

I don’t know where it will lead us, but at the moment this is a big success story, and I need to share it with someone, since it’s way too early to be telling him.)

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Siimo van der fietspad

That's a lovely story, Lara. I hope the two of you are always happy. If you know you love someone, you just know.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've been very lucky to be in such a successful relationship so early in my life. I haven't even finished college and I already have a boyfriend that accepts and loves me for who I am!

We knew eachother back in Middle school, and by 8th grade I knew he liked me, but was too shy to ask me out (his mom was friends with mine and she let it slip). Unfortunately, he moved away after that year and I didn't see him for a long time. It wasn't until a friend of mine who hung out with him came up to me to ask for him how I was doing, since he had mentioned to him that we shared a class. After I answered, he said "you know he still likes you, right?" Surprised and flattered, I asked him to give him my number so we could plan a date. It was an awkward start with a badly scheduled movie date, but we really started the relationship at his high school's Junior/Senior dance. We had already discussed boundaries and he did whatever he could to be respectful. At this time, I had not yet realized I was ace, and it was actually through a conversation with him that I realized I was.

Being able to know that how I felt wasn't as strange as I thought it was was a relief, but I became worried about how he would feel knowing that I have no desire for sex and am even sex-repulsed, as he had mentioned his desire for sex in past conversations. However, he has assured me everytime I get anxious about it that he would never try to hurt me and that he loves me enough to live without having sex with me. Its a wonderful encouragement, and although I still have the occasional anxiety about the future, I trust him and am hoping to marry him one day!

I got lucky with how quickly I found my boyfriend. If you're still looking, don't give up! There are many wonderful people out there who would love to be with you no matter what!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We met in uni, I could tell he was interested in me, so I dropped casual mentions of my asexuality into every other conversation we had, because I didn't want him to be disappointed later. Recently, he told me that after he'd heard it first, he'd spent a week researching asexuality, to know exactly who I am.

During the first few months of our relationship, every time we made physical contact that could be interpreted as sexual, he made sure to ask me if I'm fine with it. He's demisexual and attracted to me and he never kept that a secret - but he's been so very careful to never make me uncomfortable when speaking about sex. I'm not sex-repulsed and, in time, we have engaged in some sexual activities, but I've never felt rushed or pressured to do anything. He let me figure things out on my own and is still very considerate of my preferences.

I love him deeply and I know he loves me. I've never felt conflicted or bad about my sexuality, but it's still so delightful being around someone who accepts me so wholly and... casually? So many people have told me asexuals are difficult to love, that being with us is a sacrifice by those who are different, but my boyfriend made me believe that it's not true.

So there's a success story, I guess. Don't lose hope!

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So many people have told me asexuals are difficult to love, that being with us is a sacrifice by those who are different, but my boyfriend made me believe that it's not true.

That’s a very interesting issue – singling out the lack or absence of sex as some special kind of sacrifice. Don’t we all have to make sacrifices in long-term relationships?

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been married for almost 18 years to a very sexual man. I've been through a lot of phases with my relationship to sex and he's been supportive the whole way.

Ages ago he told me that he'd learned about the different between love and sex from me, because he knows/knew I love him even when sex wasnt something I was interested in or comfortable with. And when I did finally figure out that I was ace (about 6 months ago) he was there loving and supporting me. and as usual with us, he'd figured it out before I did but let me get there on my own.

Both of us were poly-amorous when we met and its always been a part of our relationship and still is (he has a very lovely girlfriend currently) and it helps by allowing him to celebrate his sexuality without stomping all over mine. it works well for us.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Alright here goes...

I met my boyfriend of 4 months at work, we knew each for over a year and a half and worked closely together for almost all of that,

we started out as friends and hung out several times before he asked me out. He's been an amazing this entire time and we've been doing really well, he's super understanding and makes me laugh. This is the first romantic relationship either of us have ever been in, I haven't been this happy

in such a long time.

Thanks for making this thread.

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I've been dating my boyfriend over two years, we've been through a lot together. Before we dated I told him I was asexual and he was fine with it, especially because he identified with being gray asexual. After a while of dating I came out as wanting to transition (he knew i was genderqueer before we dated) even though he had only ever been attracted to women he decided to see if we would work. The great part is we have! I am now over 6 months on T and have gotten my name legally changed. Sex is never an issue, he always understands when I turn it down without getting mad. My asexuality has never been something that he has made me feel ashamed about. ^_^

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  • 2 weeks later...
Phantasmal Fingers

I've just poured myself another scotch. J&B of course - the greatest blended scotch in the world!

Reeeesuuulltt!

And if that's not a success I don't know what is...

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Had a couple weeks of my LDR bf living with me! My closest friends keep asking why we didn't go all the way during that time, but we did other stuff and were generally tired from all the touristic stuff. I don't know if he's on the grey scale or not, but I don't care. xD

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Don't give up!

I thought I'd be alone forever and accepted that in my dead heart when I found a asexual partner out of nowhere.
We're married now. Though where we live labels and the LGBT+ comm hasn't caught on yet, it's mostly the educational / media barrier as in every english-speaking country has a ton of tumblr / forum users who can catch up with things, but when there's no talk about these things at school some people never find out there's a word for what they are.

So yeah my point is, your partner might wait arond half the globe.

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  • 2 weeks later...
ItAllMakesSense

Does the success have to be about relationships? Because my success is that I got a scholarship to college! And that I'm single and loving it. Not dissing on relationships though. I'm just enjoying my "me" time.

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Does the success have to be about relationships? Because my success is that I got a scholarship to college! And that I'm single and loving it. Not dissing on relationships though. I'm just enjoying my "me" time.

Well, that's great, and congratulations, however, this is a thread in the "asexual relationships" forum, so, yes, it's a thread about success in "asexual relationships" and a space to celebrate those successes. Of course, there are forums on AVEN outside the "asexual relationships" forum where people post about any type of success if that's what you're more interested in. I recommend the "Celebration Time" forum. Good luck!

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  • 3 weeks later...

I've romanced some characters in video games without the need of a guide. I call that success!

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  • 4 weeks later...
Phantasmal Fingers

Before Abraham was I am!

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