The Success Stories Thread

[Rata]

I met my husband about six years ago. It was a set up: my brother thought we would really hit it off and he turned out to be right (as I constantly remind him, "it's his own fault I'm all grown up and married now"). At first we both kinda went through the motions of dating, and that included the sex but eventually it was clear that we were both simply compromising and going through the motions just for the sake of it. I thought I was going to have a heart attack (certainly I was in a moderate panic attack), when I first brought up this fact but, to my never ending surprise, my husband very calmly said he felt the same way and we've been "off the sex" (as we jokingly refer to it) since. It's been years, and we're both incredibly happy. We're both very much introverted and quiet so we spend a lot of time sitting, reading or quietly chatting and cuddling and it's been so liberating to feel no pressure to make things escalate beyond the cuddle and snuggle. 

One of the most amazing things is that we met, went on one date and the truth is that our relationship has been a certainty for both of us since. We've had very bad times, but it's never occurred to us to end it and I honestly believe we never will. It's also mind blowing that we both met an asexual person and have been able to be open up about it with each other and not feel guilty, pressured or ashamed as we felt with relationships in the past. 

I would definitely say that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that it's worth taking a chance with people. 

The only disappointment has been dealing with the few other people who know about our situation. I have a particularly hard time with one of my cousins. She's like a sister to me and we share everything, she even identifies as asexual herself, but she was very disapproving when I told her that my husband and I were no longer having any sort of sexual contact. Apparently, she thinks that's "not normal", even though she's never met a human being that she's ever been sexually attracted too (but she keeps wanting to be sexually attracted to someone). In any case, it's been so much easier to have my husband to talk to about these kinds of attitudes and to understand what it feels like to be rejected on such silly terms. I think it's made all the difference in the world in terms of accepting myself and realizing that what and how I feel is perfectly legitimate and people can really be happy. 

[Falcom92]

My fiance and I have been very close online friends since I was 13 years old (I'm 26 now), and I've been pretty open with him about my sexuality since I realized I was asexual in my mid-late teens. So, when we got together a couple of years ago he asked me out with the expectation that we wouldn't be having sex at all, and that he wouldn't expect me to do anything that I was uncomfortable doing since it "wouldn't have been fair". He'd told me that while he really enjoyed sex, it was not nearly as important to him as having an emotional connection or physical affection such as cuddling were, so as long as we had those things he'd be content taking care of his needs himself, alone, if need be.

 

As our relationship progressed though I'd discovered that I was actually more demisexual than anything else, and that he was my one "exception" to...honestly a lot of things. I'd never thought I'd want to do anything even slightly sexual with anybody ever, but with him while I'm not anywhere near being on the sexual end of things I can, at the very least, enjoy it as a shared experience (it's really only been in the past few months that he's truly come to terms with the fact that I'm not doing it out of any sense of obligation, and that while it, physical-speaking, doesn't "do" anything for me 95% of the time, the emotional connection there makes it more than worth it to me). I'd never thought I'd want to get married, yet here we are, engaged for almost 6 months. And I'd never thought I'd be willing to have kids, but we have one on the way that's due in April...life is weird.

 

He's always been my partner-in-crime, and when we were younger we used to always joke about us being "soulmates" and that we were always destined to be together, time and distance be damned...I don't think either of us expected it to turn out the way that it has for us, and while we've had our ups and downs as people in relationships do from time to time, and have had some pretty hefty things to work through including an unplanned pregnancy and my (sometimes severely bad) mental health, our bond really only grows stronger day-by-day, and I don't really see that changing.

[Skywolf]

My boyfriend and I have been best friends for a couple years, cuddle buddies for a bit of that, and are now dating. He knows the ups and downs I had with my last relationship, my worries about my orientation...and I know his fears of being alone, and of not being considerate enough for me. We're still figuring things out, but he's showed me the difference between compromise and selfless consideration. We're happy and it's awesome.

It's nice feeling like i'm with someone who REALLY accepts and loves me for me, and who I can really trust and who really trusts me. We both know relationships will have struggles, and i'm realizing I don't need to have everything all put together before being in a relationship, I just need to be with someone who can make the journey and process of working through any issues and sharing the good things..someone who can make that awesome.

[Reideemer]

Hi, 

I'm 2 years into my marriage to my hypersexual husband, and just finally started admitting to myself that I am a heteroromantic asexual. I adore my husband and we have a 1 year old daughter who is the light of my life, but it just never clicked why I didn't really get into sex.

I mean, I really tried to. I just always thought that my aversion to sexual contact was something wrong with me. And I love my husband too much to just cut off such a big part of his needs.

 

Then I found this site and everything made sense. Now life just feels more clear and I've decided to just let my husband enjoy some tail on the side seeing as he doesn't link sex and love in his mind. He just has a stupidly high sex drive (bordering on addiction). We set ground rules (always use protection, never at our house, always have your phone, etc). And it seems to be working. Our relationship seems stronger than ever now that sex isn't an issue. I no longer feel like I have to do things I really don't want to (I mean, they feel good physically, but I just have no want to do it, even when my body gets aroused). He gets his needs met, and our daughter grows up in a happy home where it's perfectly OK to be who and what you are. Everybody wins. 

[ChickenPadSeeEew]

I'm demisexual and have been with my allosexual partner for nearly 20 years, married for 10yrs, and we have a couple o' kids. We are happier than ever. I don't believe in soul mates, but if I did, yeah, he'd be it.

 

Each time I've worked out my identity, he's leapt up and hugged me. We talk about all the hard stuff. If difficult Ace or trans/genderfluid stuff comes up on social media or the news, his hand finds my shoulder and gives me a supportive squeeze. It's amazing. We accept, celebrate, and laugh at our differences. We see if we can find ways to meet each other's needs. My sexual attraction to him has grown over the years; I can't tell if I'm def experiencing sexual attraction, but it's something closer than before. I find him super attractive these days and like the idea of being close. We've had periods of abstinence, some sex aversions (I worked through them), and fluctuations in interest and sex drive, but overall, our sex life hasn't been a major issue. (I'm sex indifferent, although repulsed at the thought of it with anyone other than him, and I'm alloromantic)

 

We're pretty big snugglers. I think we both always wanted a snuggly best friend we could tell anything to. 

 

Also, he seemed pretty chuffed when I told him I've never been sexually attracted to anyone but him. LOL.

[c_d]

my boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years. we were really good friends beforehand and he's always known i'm not interested in sex in general.

 

i'm a romantic asexual [maybe demisexual because i've started actually enjoying sex with him rather than going through the motions and using that time to make the grocery list] and he's hypersexual [and i suspect demisexual as well, we've talked about it and he agrees]. we both compromise and have had no issues regarding sex at all.

 

i see many posts from asexuals needing advice when they fall for a sexual, or vice versa, and the advice is almost always 'break up, it can't work'. i want the people seeking advice to know that it IS absolutely possible to have a happy and healthy mixed relationship 

[Subsection]

I am sexual (hopefully it's okay to post in this thread) and my wife is asexual. We have been together for 12 years this year, and married for 4 (in October). She is the love of my life. When we began dating she had identified as sexual but was very clear and honest that sex greatly disinterested her and that she didn't really have a desire for it. We were friends for quite a while before dating and then fell in love with each other very easily and very hard. We had a sexual relationship for the first five years. However, after about eight months I noticed it started to be very inconsistent and I even asked her if she thought that someday she may not want to have sex at all, to which she replied "probably". It had been consistent in her previous relationships that she would lose interest sexually pretty early on and it had become an issue. When she told me that I just realized that I should enjoy the sexual aspect while it lasts and be prepared for it to someday stop. It did stop. Five years in she was confronted with dealing with issues she had not previously felt with and it made her step back and analyze herself. She then heard of asexuality referenced online and did her research. Then she realized she was asexual. In a lot of ways it finally made sense, although I cannot lie that it did take me quite some time to truly understand what that meant. I think that my wife would fall under the romantic area of asexuality, then again she isn't really a cuddler or into that stuff and I have seen that doing that stuff is how she compromises. Sex is not a compromise for us. It has happened a few times since she has been aware of her asexuality but I don't know if it will ever happen again, and I am okay with that. Fortunately I have a pretty low sex drive myself, and due to her being asexual, I think it had pushed me to see that sexual relations are really just a biological factor. I love my wife more than anyone or anything on this earth. She is by all means my soulmate, and I didn't even believe in those prior to her. She is my best friend. The relationship that we share, especially since our sexual relationship has halted, has been the single most intimate and deep relationship I've ever witnessed. My asexual wife is the very best wife. 

[cemeterywitch]

I met my partner HardToComeBy through AVEN. We had our first real conversation at an ace meetup and we ended up talking for hours after the meetup ended. 

Every single time we hung out we would talk all night. Eventually I fell for him and we starting dating on July 16, 2013.

I can't imagine my life without him. He's my best friend and I love him more than anything. 

[BasicWhiteLatte]

Been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. When we met and started falling in love, there was no sexual tension or feelings. One night, I decided to tell him that I didn't want there to ever be that pressure, that I just wanted to be able to enjoy each other's company without expecting sex. He surprised me by agreeing and saying that he could honestly wait forever before having sex. It became clear over time that we were both on the gray ace side, and now that we are deeper into our relationship, we have actually been able to have open conversations about identifying as asexual. I feel like we are closer than ever. Being able to be honest about our identities feels so wonderful. He respects that hearing about or seeing sexual things (I.E. in movies, tv, jokes) makes me very uncomfortable, and he works very hard to help me avoid anything like that. I feel so lucky to have him.

[graysonbabe95]

I have been in a relationship with a man for a little over two months now and it is so mind blowingly great. He's not ace but he knows that I am and he's been very respectful of that part of me. He doesn't push me to change and he treats me like a queen. I feel very blessed to have found someone who is so kind and accepting of me. We cuddle, kiss, sleep together (just sleep), and spend hours a day together. I truly think I've found the 'one'. 

[Leafstem]

Last year I met a boy who happened to be in an unhappy relationship. He wasn't in a very good place because of it. I wasn't in a good place myself. We became pretty good friends pretty quickly. I had no interest in him as a romantic partner. He was just my absolutely amazing best friend. 

Eventually, he broke up with his girlfriend of almost two years. It was a really difficult time for him and as I was helping him through it, I eventually came to realize that I was developing feelings for him. His previous relationship was extremely sexual, however, and he knew I was ace, so I tried not to dwell on those feelings. But some how it became clear that he had feelings too.

We're extremely close and he had made it clear that he's completely okay without sex in a relationship. He just desires intimacy and physical closeness. Luckily he doesn't have a very high sex drive, and he never tries to pressure me. We haven't been together for that long, but I definitely think he could be the love of my life. Even if we break up tomorrow, I would consider this relationship a success because it has made me realize that I can find happiness with someone.

[shibe]

I actually got to meet my squish two years ago, and had her visit again this year just last month.  it was really fun and exciting!  but gosh, did I feel so happy and excited I doubted aromanticism.  I've doubted it until recently when I did a little more research.  this research also led to more self-understanding and a serious talk with someone I am in a relationship with.  we both kind of came to the conclusion that we don't really know the difference between platonic and romantic love after I told them that I apologize for not really feeling much despite the length of our relationship.  I have an emotional platonic attachment, but that's usually as far as it gets for me.

 

however, still somewhat doubting being aro because there is a person in my life that I get unusually happy and excited to see, but I think it's more of an aesthetic attraction because I like cute girls no matter what.  I like to entertain the idea of a relationship with her and how I valiantly extend an offer of one to her, being highly-dramatic and whatsoever.  but realistically, I don't think that it would happen and I don't really desire it enough to keep this feeling consistent.  I'm fine with that, though.

[Fabulous Mermaid]

My sibling and I are both aces. We plan on living together for the rest of our lives! ...I guess it isn't really a long story,  or even really a story at all, but there it is.

[IvoryStardust]

I met my (now) fiance online a little over a year ago. We just clicked right away.  He came out for a visit a month after we started talking and he just never went back home.  

He's highly sexual, I'm ace. For awhile I was giving him sex because I didn't want to deny his needs, but I was so not into it.  I'd much rather cuddle and watch tv together, or read while he plays games, or really do anything besides sex.  We finally talked about it all and to my surprise he was ok with us not having sex.  His words were "I'd rather have you happy than have sex". 

 

He still has needs, of course, so we're poly... he has one fwb, and I get to not worry about it.  But I know I'm still his #1. Works out great! 

[mari]

8 minutes ago, IvoryStardust said:

I met my (now) fiance online a little over a year ago. We just clicked right away.  He came out for a visit a month after we started talking and he just never went back home.  

He's highly sexual, I'm ace. For awhile I was giving him sex because I didn't want to deny his needs, but I was so not into it.  I'd much rather cuddle and watch tv together, or read while he plays games, or really do anything besides sex.  We finally talked about it all and to my surprise he was ok with us not having sex.  His words were "I'd rather have you happy than have sex". 

 

He still has needs, of course, so we're poly... he has one fwb, and I get to not worry about it.  But I know I'm still his #1. Works out great! 

Congrats for both of you! i wish i could find someone to share my life with but is life im looking for a white elephant, cero possivilities  Enjoy your life 

[IvoryStardust]

7 minutes ago, mari said:

Congrats for both of you! i wish i could find someone to share my life with but is life im looking for a white elephant, cero possivilities  Enjoy your life 

Thank you!  I hope you find your white elephant someday. 

[Lexikat]

I want to post a success, well two in one. First is my long time best friend, who I've known for at least 6 years. He has been beside me through multiple relationships failing, guys being cruel and me feeling super broken. He was there for me as i found asexuality, he knew but didn't want to lead me there in case i wasn't. He and i have both agreed that as much as we would make an amazing couple, neither of us want to let each other compromise what we want or don't want just to have a relationship. He is one of my best friends in the world.

 

The other success is also about a best friend. This lovely lady married one of my close friends, and i had a huge squish on her! I really wanted to be friends with her soooooo badly, but did not want to come accross as creepy. It was cool though. As soon as we met and started to get to know each other, it was like MAGIC! We just got alone so famously! Since then she has been there along side me through a break up, finding asexuality and creepy, gross, mean, creul guy trying to force me into sex.

 

Both of these friends are the light in my life. They are my rocks when i feel like a crashing wave. They keep me at good levels of crazy instead of letting me go insane. I would not be if it weren't for them.

[Ashes Floating]

Not a love story, because I'm still rather young, but still a very exciting story.

 

Recently, a friend of mine who I will refer to as 'Bruce Wayne' because I am a huge Batman fan, came out to his partents as a maybe-gay, maybe-bi, maybe-pan trans guy. Another friend, who I will call 'Barbara Gordon', hasn't come out to me yet, but I know they use they pronouns. We decided we wanted to make a Day of Silence for our school, but we needed a supervisor.

 

Lo and behold, our school nurse 'Kate Kane' came out, and was glad to help us work on the Day of Silence. Very fun, and hopefull will continue each year.

[Comfortably Confused]

I'm in a relationship with a really nice human who is really into sex but fully understands my views on it. We are totally on the same page and do the hand holding and cuddling but nothing more. So yeah, it works guys! So long as there is mutual understanding of each others preferences. I understand where he is coming from and he understands where I am coming from, so to speak. Do not give up hope!!!

[Woef]

This thread gives me a lot of hope I am happy for all if you!!

[DemiGeekGoddess]

Alright success stories. Let's go! Ok well for starters I'm asexual that's a success story within itself. Second, I woke up in an awesome mood and simply had a great day and I am going to do it again tomorrow. 

[AwkwardAxolotl]

I've been a queerplatonic relationship with a polyamorous, pansexual woman for 5 years now. I was always scared that she'd fall in love with a non-asexual person and not have time for me anymore, and she did fall in love with a heterosexual guy and marry him, but instead of losing her, I gained another queerplatonic partner. A married couple and their asexual partner might not be a traditional relationship format, but it works for us.

[Lizzy_Bee]

This first one isn't really a success, but I was in a relationship with someone who is still my best friend for almost 9 years, which also resulted in having two beautiful children. I am a Gray-A Demisexual and it was through my relationship with him (and Pintrest) that I discovered what I truly am. Sadly this relationship ended, but as I said we are still best friends.

I am now in a relationship with another man (who also started out as a friend), and I hope this one will last a lifetime.

[Solovei]

Even though I'm mostly okay with the thought of being alone for the rest of my life (just like the first part; casual flings don't really count), it's rather heart-warming to hear that asexual and sexless (to varying degrees; personally, I'm not opposed to sex but it's really meh for me. As long as I'm not expected to possess kama-sutra level of abilities ) relationships can and do work, and I'm happy for the people who made it work...

 

[arielle18]

I have been married almost four years to a sexual man. He understands that I don't have a sex drive. We still have regular sex because he enjoys it and I honestly don't mind. We're thinking about starting a family soon. My marriage is my foundation, and I couldn't be happier to be with such a kind, supportive man.

[GLRDT]

My boyfriend is very sexual and I'm gray asexual. I don't crave, need, or want sex like he does, but I can get in the mood if he initiates or I make an effort.  We have been together about two years and I just figured out I'm asexual last week even though I've felt it my whole life.  Finding out that there is a label and other people identify with it as well has actually helped our relationship and helped both of us make more sense out of my sexuality. He is the one who encouraged me to figure out more about my sexuality for myself and for both of us. I had just pushed it all aside for my whole life and figured that I was broken or something.  He has started to become fulfilled from cuddling and other non sexual activities just being with me to hold him over until we actually do have intercourse. He is patient, and respects and understands my sexual orientation, but has a lot of trouble relating which can cause him to get frustrated at times until we talk it out. Communication is everything.  We love each other so much that we think we may actually be able to find a good balance and we get closer and closer to figuring that out each time we are together. Also I'm freaking moving to a different country to live with him, so I'd say so far a success. Marriage is looming in the background too. Love this thread!

[AcePsycho]

I've gone through this entire thread and I want to say thank you to everyone who posted.

It's been a hard couple of months and I sorta shed tears while reading this, it was so beautiful. 

 

TBH before now I felt lasting relationships with zedsexuals was pretty much impossible for aces but my mindset has shifted so much.

Not that I have hope for a romantic relationship, I don't, because I'm aro but I maybe have hope for a QPR.

 

And to the allos that posted, thank you for being understanding to your aces.

To the aces that found fellow aces, may your luck find me, no matter the distance it might have to travel. 

 

Wish you all the very best in all your different and amazing relationships.

[Aasell]

I am a sexual person who has been with my asexual partner (now my wife) for 12 years. 

 

When we got together my wife hadn't realized yet that she was asexual. I knew prior to us dating that she didn't really care for sex or have an interest in it though. About a year into our relationship we had a conversation where I realized that someday she probably wasn't going to want to have sex at all, so I figured I should just enjoy it while it lasted. That day came sooner than later and about four years into our relationship she began hearing more and learning more about asexuality and came to terms that she identies as an asexual. I am perhaps not the most sexual of sexual people myself. So this has not been a thorn in our side. I'd lie if I said it did not bring up conversations occasionally, especially when she first came out as asexual---really, due to a lack of understanding what that meant on my side. I have to say, I've come across a large amount of couples that just don't have sex. Whether they identify as asexual or not, I think at some point in life many people just realize how extremely unimportant sex is, even if they identify as a sexual person. I know that for me, I would much rather be in a relationship with my wife and not have sex, than have sex with someone but not be able to be with my wife. I love my wife more than I could have ever imagined loving someone and even the way that I view sex has greatly changed. I pity people who miss out on great relationships, and potentially the love of their lives, just because they are too ignorant or horny to see past how insignificant a sexual relationship is. 

[meatiocre]

On 4/21/2014 at 9:55 AM, Ziggy_G said:

Currently by most significant other is my plant. I call him Bartok and he has grow big and strong thanks to lots of tlc.

We're both very happy. Well I'm very happy. He's a plants and plants don't feel emotion

But lots of smiles and happiness from this asexual couple. (>>>get it? asexual? cos I'm asexual and its a plant which is the other meaning of asexual<<sorry bad joke...)

>Aromantic happily ever after

funny story i came out to my friend by first saying something along the lines of "photosynthesis is sexy" and then a couple days later telling him, "plants are asexual i relate"

i was on a road trip with him at the time and im pretty sure he had a crush on me before that so it was a very uncomfortable couple of days

lesson: saying you relate to plants is not the best way to come out to someone that doesnt understand asexuality, especially if you are stuck with them for a while after that

[AnotherEli]

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over a year now! She's asexual and sex-averse. Somewhat in contrast to many of the other stories listed here: we both knew she was asexual before I asked her on a date. I love her and her sexuality, just like I love any other aspect of her personality.