Has anyone else ever experienced this?

[Cody Richeson]

I suppose one could say I'm sex-repulsed, and that I have a somewhat antisexual/sex-negative attitude at times, even though I don't condemn others for being sexual, and don't consider sexuality to be inherently "evil" or "wrong." But growing up, I did feel that way. It seems that as soon as I became aware of what sex was, I regarded it extremely negatively, and as I grew older I quickly began to demonize self-pleasure as well, as it made me feel extremely shameful, despite not having a religious upbringing and not being told by anyone that it was an inappropriate activity. I demonized it so much that I would be an emotional wreck after an act of self-pleasure, sometimes for a couple of days. I even delved into self-mutilation for several years as a teen, as an attempt to "punish" myself for what I considered a "sinful" activity. This was particularly odd since I'm an atheist.

It's only been in the last year that I've reached a point where I can see sexual activity as something one should not feel negatively about; and yet, I still feel this weird "You're a gross, self-indulgent individual" feeling from self pleasure, and find myself actively practicing detachment in order to let go of that practice, and to let go of what little sexual desire I have. Does anyone relate to this? Is this a common attitude among asexuals, or does this speak more of trauma? I've never been molested, so I definitely am not repressing any memories.

[vsall]

:o wooooooow self mutilation? O.o

ok....

when you feel hungry, you need to feed your self. Your body asks for it. Its natural.

when you feel thirsty , you need to drink something. Your body asks for it, Its natural.

same thing with arousal, it is not a sin! your body asks for it...! are you going to punish your own flesh for something that is natural? For Gods` sake Cody.

if you want to, at these times, try to do something else, so that you can forget about it. Draw, wash dishes, iron, go to swim. Something to take your mind off of it.

But please dont punish your body for being made like this.

[SketchedExistence]

I personally have not experienced this but I know that I have heard of people going through very similar things before, though I think the mention I heard before was from people of a more religious background. You aren't alone on struggling with that issue though, however, that much I know for certain.

This might come across wrong, and please don't take offense, but have you thought about trying to find a counselor/therapist to discuss the problem with? For me, I had some issues I needed to work through and though I only did a year of therapy, it started to help me sort through some of my problem and answer some of my questions about why I act certain ways or react to certain situations the way I do. It can be very helpful as a sounding board, whether you have had a traumatic experience or not.

Again, hope I didn't offend by offering that possible suggestion. I just know that that route started to help me a bit.

["""]

Well I dont feel that at all I find sex normal thing that others do, I dont cause i dont feel the desire for it... but its odd or understandable that I feel repulsed if my "couple" have had sex... humm i cant manage the idea that person have actually f*ck someone ... hummmm maybe its weird but well thats how i feel...

[Cody Richeson]

The Perfect Nothing, don't worry, I don't practice self-mutilation anymore. I did as a teenager, a decade ago. But when my body "asks" for sexual stimulation, I get frustrated and feel weak and stupid for having that desire. So, often as I can manage, I let the feeling pass, or do something productive. I see sexual desire as a burden, rather than something I deserve to indulge in, or should indulge in. I see it as leftover crap from our more primitive days, that has no relevance now.

Sketched Existence, I'm not offended and in fact was in therapy for many years. I stopped a couple years ago and in the last year have found an online mentor who helps me. That's why I don't demonize sex as much now, but I still hold the view that, for people like me, it serves no purpose and sexual arousal should be exstinguished as soon as it is detected.

[Member54880]

I understand your viewpoint and experiences. I've experienced something similar in the relationship I was in. It was dysfunctional. I didn't have a religious or conservative upbringing either, but still ended up believing in extremely strict standards of 'sexual purity', and I felt like I was damaged goods forever just from my first kiss, which was forced on me. I blamed myself for letting my then-partner on, because I just wanted to be friends with him, but he was attracted to me! I caved in to many of the things he wanted (I felt guilty when I said 'no', so I kept caving in), though I was repulsed by it all, and felt disgusted with myself every time. Aside from the feelings of repulsion, and feeling impure, it was also the loss of control that I hated. I also contemplated self-injury afterwards, but never was able to go through with it.

It took 2-3 years for me to recover from that mindset. I had a lot to unlearn. The 'sexual purity' ideals are toxic, and need to be unlearned for your sake. Don't beat yourself up for experiencing sexual desire. You can still find sex to be not worth it for you, and be sure that going without is the best decision for yourself even after rejecting the idea of sexual purity.

I've also seen at least one other person in the same situation as you, and they weren't asexual, and I don't think they were from a religious upbringing either.

[SpadeofAces]

I used to feel extreme revulsion and negativity about all things sexual. But I have since grown out of this extremis for the most part.

That said, I am still very hostile to porn and sexual references and acts in public and in various media.

[emptyque]

I can relate to this. I was very religious when I was a child and ten became an atheist in my late teens. The reason why I became curious about asexuality now, and not 5 or 6 years ago when I started dating, was because at that time I thought my lack of sexual interest was caused by sexual repression. But, now that I got over the toxic mindset of sexual purity, I find I am still not interested in sex.

[Arctangent]

I used to feel ashamed about masturbating too, even though I also wasn't brought up in a particularly religious or conservative household. I think I probably internalized those "sexual purity" ideals from the culture at large, and that's what caused me to feel so negatively about it. My libido becomes annoyingly demanding when I ignore it for too long, so the urge would get so strong that I'd eventually cave in and take care of it, then feel awful about it afterward.

At some point I realized that my libido wasn't going anywhere and there was no real reason for me to feel so much shame about it, so I decided to consciously unlearn that mindset. Like Aqua-ace, it took me 2-3 years to be rid of it for good. I had to tell myself many times that there was nothing wrong with taking part in some harmless physical pleasure. Eventually, I managed to stop having the negative knee-jerk reaction. I even began to see a positive side to masturbation - it's pleasurable, it has uses as a stress reliever and sleep aid, and it's basically risk-free.

[Cody Richeson]

I have largley abandoned the "sexual purity" notion that some of you have mentioned. There's been a lot of de-programming and questioning of values that has led to this realiation. I'm not exactly sure what it is I feel now, that still makes self-pleasure such an ordeal, but it is still there in some form. It's not really guilt or shame, it's more of a feeling of mindlessness, of being weak, of giving in to something that I find meaningless. Self pleasure does not relieve stress, it does not relax me, it does not help me go to sleep and it's never a satisfying experience. It's also combined with pornography, which I think is harmful to the mind, in that it creates an escapist fantasy that refuses to deal with reality. Granted, the pornographic images I look at it are of everyday women with imperfections, but it's still fantasy, and it's still mindless. Self pleasure, of course, can exist without pornography, although I never feel the urge to engage in self-pleasure without it. I'm not sure if I want to train myself to, since I'm trying to eliminate self-pleasure from my life. I have had luck in looking at it less and less as I've gotten older.

[WhenSummersGone]

I used to really enjoy masturbating when I was younger, as it was new to me, but now it's just a means to an end and I'm getting tired of it. I know it's natural but now it's just a chore. As for sex though I'm pretty positive about it but not for myself. I don't want it but if others do then that's fine. I don't like when sex is used in a bad way though, like to hurt others or to manipulate people just to get it.

[Guest]

I can relate a lot. While I've never actively engaged in self-mutilation, I'm definitely no stranger to the recurring thought of it... it still comes up from time to time, even though not as often and pressing anymore ever since I went on anti-dep medication (six years ago). Masturbation still remains an annoying and unpleasant chore (kinda like cleaning a dirty bathroom... it's beyond me how anyone can enjoy it, but it has to be done sooner or later *sigh*), with the depression and disgust that I felt afterwards having become mellowed, but not completely removed, by medication.

I still hope for this crap to just naturally die off with age. Erectile dysfunction is a rather common blessing in advancing years... I hope I'll get the luck of that blessing, too - the sooner the better. :)

[born_in_darkness]

I've been doin about the same things, but I just cant imagine life any other way...

[VindicatorPhoenix]

How about an analogy? Trying to punish yourself for natural feelings is like believing that you should be able to fly. You can jump into the air as many times as you like, trying to fly like the birds, but it will not work, it's a waste of energy and it will

make you unhappy. Option Two involves accepting the fact that walking is a widespread method of human transportation and that being yourself is the best idea. There's nothing wrong with you, trust me. ;)

[I'd rather be in band.]

I can't say that I've ever experienced what you're experiencing, but I understand it. I'm sex-repulsed, but not to the point of self-mutilation. I suppose it's a mindset that you have been in. I hope that you can overcome your feelings of shame! Please don't punish yourself!

[Schrecken]

Yes, I have had similar feelings to what you describe in the past, mostly when I was a teen and in my early 20's. No self-mutilation, but I was pretty sex negative at one point (which probably had to do with the fact that I knew I was different, and back then, no one knew of asexuality, and I so my reaction to people who weren't like me was one of condemnation) and felt like a failure when I gave in to the infrequent urge to satisfy myself. Basically, when it came to masturbation, I felt like I should have been "above" all that, and when I broke down and did it, I felt like someone who is trying to kick an addiction and having a relapse.

I was sexually abused, and survived an attempted rape when I was 13, so I probably had at least some reasons to frown on both sex and masturbation. But as I've gotten older, I find that I really don't care much anymore one way or the other. My libido (what little there was of it) has dropped off a good bit, and these days I couldn't care less about what other people do with each other with regards to sex.

[starstheylevitate]

I can relate sooooo much to this, almost word per word what you wrote...wow. Except I only masturbated and had an orgasm once; after which I cried and self harmed. I don't even know why. I think some people are just born with certain weird feelings and triggers.

I'm glad you're a little better now. Please try as best you can to love yourself even if you feel certain things are wrong. It's ok! Just learn to respect yourself and others. And please don't self harm! It's a terrible habit.

Best of luck my friend! <3

[NitramGal413]

You are certainly not alone. I've experienced exactly what you're describing- as an asexual flexible-atheist myself. I was never told that the act of self pleasuring was considered shameful, or even taboo as I viewed it. However, it would always make me feeling guilty, sometimes to the point of being physically sick. Once the internet was introduced to me, and I got a little more acquainted with different views on certain topics (i.e. the views churches have on the act of self pleasuring) as well as health professionals' explanations of sexuality, urges, etc. I felt much better about doing it, and essentially outgrew the guilt. I believe that everyone goes through something similar to this, asexual or otherwise.