Claustrophobic, fear of physical contact, or asexuality?

[Tommiboy13]

So about 3 months ago I learned what an asexual was, and I thought "Hmmm.... kinda sounds like me". So I researched through videos of David Jay, Laci Green, and this wonderful website here : )

Anywhos, I haven't completely decided one way or another on the issue of my sexuality, mostly because of a lack of experience in any form of that kind of contact. I would be a hetero-romantic if I was anyway, so the question is mostly whether I am asexual or demi-sexual.

NOW TO MY ACTUAL QUESTION!!! I've read that some asexuals enjoy kissing and cuddling, and so far I don’t seem to be going in that direction. I dislike common physical contact that is used when a relationship becomes more than just friends (these are all situations I’ve been in with guys I like): having them sit behind me with me between their legs, hugging from behind, very long hugs, hand on shoulder, or poking my arm. And also, though this has never happened with any guy (more with my close girl friends), cuddling, lying on each other, or touching their side when sitting really close (try to avoid it). I admit I do instigate some cuddling, but pull away after a few seconds because I get uncomfortable, so I feel as though that may be from a cultural influence on me where everyone is physical to show emotions of care and support.

Right now I really like a guy, and I mean I want to be around him as much as I can, but my friend pointed out how uncomfortable I was when he hugged me(I’m a tolerant person, and it wasn't like I let my friend decide what I liked or didn't, but more of it wasn't getting to be so uncomfortable that I couldn't bear it every time I saw him), and so I had to limit how much he hugged me. He’s one of those people who is reaaaallllyyyyy physical and cuddly; usually always poking/touching someone. Like, he’d hug me 10 times in 30 minutes. But it makes sense to me that if I truly liked him in a sexual or possibly a demi-sexual way then that would overcome that problem and I wouldn't be uncomfortable with it like the other interactions I was uncomfortable in. This is mostly the experience I pull from when I begin to think, “well, maybe I am asexual”.

But, one of my friends thinks that maybe I dislike these kinds of contact because I am claustrophobic. I have to admit I am in cases of I hate sitting in the middle of bleachers when watching a game, the area in the front of concerts where everyone’s standing real close to each other, and Disneyland to name a few instances I can think of.

So I was wondering if any of you have similar experiences, or if this seems more like something beyond sexuality like claustrophobia or maybe fear of physical contact. I read a forum article on “asexuality vs. fear of sex” and I wouldn’t know where to put myself. I am and was raised to be a celibate Christian, more from my own choice than my parents who don’t seem to care on that issue.

That was a bit long.... Opps. Just some of your thoughts on my situation would be helpful : )

[Zash]

On the claustrophobia, does being in enclosed areas bother you (elevators, crawlspaces, that sort of thing)? I noticed none of your examples of stressors included that. My (uneducated) guess is that it may be some for of touch aversion. I am similar, however a more extreme form... I can't stand being touched, and can only endure it for a few seconds before starting to panic. I am fine in enclosed spaces (I work IT, have to crawl under the floor to run cables, and work in the server closet), but crowds still stress the hell out of me.

[Tommiboy13]

Crawl spaces bother me, especially places where there's only one way out like caves. Elevators though I'm pretty use to, but do get a little uneasy when I'm alone in them.

Touch aversion does make sense, and I'm glad you shared your experience : ) I'm also really ticklish and I heard that being ticklish is more based off of fear or panic than anything else, so that could have been a factor. But maybe my ticklishness came from just not liking being touched.... This helps, thanks : )

[~Rikki~]

I'm queer-gray ace (asexual) and I only liked being touched (hugs and other platonic touches) by people I know. I went to a dance party last Friday and when people got too close I got panicy (spelling). If I didn't know the person close to me I didn't want them touching me. I needed to know names before being touched. That's the way my brain works. I don't like being touched most of the time in general though. But I do okay in small spaces if I'm alone.

[abacct]

As a person who is claustrophobic, afraid of physical contact, and asexual, hopefully I can help you out.

I guess first I should say claustrophobia isn't the same as being uncomfortable in small places. I have full-blown panic attacks if I'm stuck in an area I can't leave, no matter if it's just big enough for me to fit or a mansion-size place. If I can't escape, I freak out. I had a really bad experience in the middle of a maze a few months ago; it was made of mirrors and I almost fell to the ground in front of dozens of people until my mom caught me and hid my eyes so I wouldn't freeze up and not be able to leave.

I'm hypersensitive as well, and I'm very adverted to touching (hence my "asensual" term). The only time you're allowed to touch me is if you're my friend and you're goofing around my stroking my head or something. Hugging is uncomfortable, kissing is unbearable, and so on. I just like stuff like people playing with my hair. But that isn't what makes me asexual either, although I've considered that.

All being asexual is whether or not you look at someone and think, "Wow, I want to have sex with them." It's not being afraid of touch or claustrophobic. A good amount of asexuals actually like to have sex; they just don't feel sexual attraction to the person they're having sex with. It's a rather difficult subject, and hopefully you can figure it out.

[Nanaho]

Omg I'm the same, first I thought I disliked physical contact then I thought I liked it. But really I only like it when people stroke my hair. As soon as they touch my torso I flip out I AM VERY TICKLISH DX I can't even stand a child touching my chest or stomach. Unless I give anyone permission too, touching me is a no-no. Hugging is fine I like hugs :D (sometimes), kissing I wouldn't know... But I get shivers thinking about it.

[Dugy]

I don't think that claustrophobia has anything to do with it, even if you had it in the first place.

[Guest FlamesofFire]

I dont like when people I dont know touch me in any way even when they touch my hand or something.

Then there is the stuff like this, if I have a bf I dont like when he randomly starts rubbing my boobs this really irritates me. If someone accidentally brushes against me I wanna slap them. I noticed guys like to touch my face and hair and I don't like this.

The only thing I dont mind is cuddling as long as the person is aesthetically handsome I ll hug them XD.

[frombeyond]

I don't suffer from claustrophobia, but I do experience similar scenarios in concert with asexuality. Essentially, my perception of any enclosed space becomes distorted to the point that I'm struck with an overwhelming sense of smallness and... dissociation.

My mind will tend to to associate physical contact with impending danger, and thought cycles will inevitably lead me to being repulsed by human...advances.

[WoodwindWhistler]

I don't think being uncomfortable in crowds is exactly claustrophobia, though they could definitely be related in desires to have your own space and control over your surroundings. I get that too (I had what was almost a panic attack in a small chapel where there were lots of people watching a presentation, though admittedly there was something else going on with me). There are several different words for fear of crowds. I've never particularly liked parties where everyone is elbow to elbow and breathing the same air. I can deal with it and enjoy myself sometimes, not always. Never understood how anyone can like it or seek it out a lot, though. The energy from everyone seems to just be overwhelming. I can stay at the top of a hill, look down at an interstate, and start to get dizzy thinking about all the *presences* and wishes and dreams and thoughts going by. I get that feeling while on the internet, too, sometimes if I think too hard.

One important thing that you need to know is the term "demisexual" very basically means that you feel a substantial sexual attraction to the person after time has passed forming a "friendship" or a very close mental/emotional bond. It doesn't mean you have "semi sexual" feelings for them the first time you meet them. That would be the realm of gray-ace. Maybe you'd like some heavy petting or something on your terms, or just in your fantasy, but full blown sex doesn't occur or doesn't appeal to you?

And know that you can totally be attracted to someone and at some level want to be physically close and touch them, and you can still be anxious about touch. Whether you move past it, or have to wrangle with it is the question. Don't think they are mutually exclusive "Oh, if I don't like contact I must not really, truly like him." That's a mistake that some sexuals make all the time in reverse, "If I want to screw him, I must love him!" As well as similar to yours, being nervous about sex for the first time, either personally or with someone new.

[Faith Formation]

We aren't qualified or anything, but that really sounds more like fear of crowds or strangers than claustrophobia to us. Some of us have one or the other (or both), but we can't tell you what it would feel like to you. We're not usually bothered by physical touch from friends or close friends, but it's a little iffy from strangers, and very much uncomfortable from anyone who might be interested in us sexually. It really isn't unusual, what you're experiencing, at least not in our belief. Some people just don't like being touched, for some reason or other. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, that's for sure. Though it could be a contact fear, which we've heard of before but can't remember the official term for. And then that's also apparenlty a symptom of autism, but we really don't know much about that. But as we said, it could just be personal preference, the way you've grown up... maybe it would just be better if people weren't touchy-feely around you. Either way, if it continues to bother you, probably the best thing to do would just be to express that you would rather not be touched, simply because you don't like being touched.

Now, what if your friend(s) either won't respect your wishes or try to 'desensitize' you by touching you even more? Well, then you should probably do your best to express how serious you are, and if they still won't respect that, spend some time away from them for a while, come back and ask if they're ready to be mature. If they aren't, spend more time away. It's important not to get angry, though. You just need to show them how much it does mean to you. If/when they do come to understand, then hopefully things can resume as they were (without the touching). If your friends are hurt by the idea of not touching you, again, just explain things as best you can. If they insist on it, maybe you can come to a middle ground. Either way, good luck with that.

Well that turned into a rambling if we've ever seen one...

[Tommiboy13]

I understand where y'all are coming from in that this seems to be more people related than actual claustrophobia, but I still would use that word for the sake of an easier explanation : )

This makes me feel better having others comment on how they've seen this in their life ad how they have confronted it. And thanks Faith Formation for giving me courage to stand up for what makes me comfortable. And WoodWindWoman, your definitions help me think about what I seem to fit best (I have this weird thing with having to fit in to some category). Nanaho and frombeyond, I get where you're coming from.

Thanks : )