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"I wish I was still a virgin" asexuals and sexuals welcome to respond


penguin_illusion

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penguin_illusion

So this came to mind when I was talking on another thread about how some people think your demisexuality is a 'noble' choice.

A lot of times that I tell people I'm a virgin they praise me (despite that it's related to my orientation, not a choice) but then they also sometimes tell me 'I wish I was still a virgin' or ' I wish I waited'

Obviously these people are responding to me as if I'm making a valiant choice to save myself, but then that means they're also saying that they couldn't make that choice. I guess I don't understand how that works. Are they telling me that they were somewhat forced or taken advantage of? I just- I don't get it.

Personally, every time sex has been offered to me I declined because I didn't feel it was nessesary. I didn't feel 'turned on' and in my head it just made sense that 'not turned on' = 'don't do it'. This logic stands even when I'm heavily intoxicated (its been tested).

So if these people are being honest with me, why are so many of them regretting having sex when they did? What are the circumstances that sexuals typically begin having sex? Any input?

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I'm the opposite. I get a lot of pity and awkwardness when people find out I'm a virgin. It's something I'm ashamed to admit. I have never been anywhere near a sexual experience and it has nothing to do with my orientation. No one's ever been interested and even if they were, I have severe vaginismus. I WISH I weren't a virgin just so I would feel normal. I feel like a freak, the virgin in her twenties, never even been kissed. I'm not asexual, though, so I can't justify it to others. I literally have no "excuse" other than being ugly and annoying.

I think the idea of virginity though is very outdated. Why put a label on how much or how little experience you have in something like sex? That's a very personal and private matter that will vary widely and shouldn't matter to others. I hate that virginity is such an interest, like you can "hold onto" or "lose" it. It's nothing more than an ancient man-made concept.

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I myself am *very* glad that *I* remain a virgin, because I was in a relationship with a very sexual partner before I fully understood myself and asexuality and understand how the other side of this goes. Given this is from an asexual perspective, but I think the underlying base may be universal either way.

Without the context that asexuality was actually a thing, I just assumed that my complete lack of interest in sex was the result of trauma. Essentially, I assumed I was "broken." I was incredibly clear before the relationship began that I had no interest in sex, but my partner assumed I was playing hard to get. As this was my first relationship - I didn't know enough to put everything on full brakes once I learned that he had gone into the relationship with false pretenses. And by this time - seeing as feelings for me develop out of friendship to begin with - I was really starting to care about him.

Cue 2+ years of me trying to "fix myself" and "get over my issues" with sex. No part of this was really about me, it was about me getting myself to a point where I could be for him what he needed of me. I never got there, and even if I *had* it wouldn't have been enough. I'm non-libidoist (as well as sex-repulsed)...the few things we started to *try* had me bored\disinterested at best. And - he didn't take that well...in fact I think he took the disinterest worse than any negative reaction I had. He wanted passion and "pleasure" from me - and I couldn't give that.

So....yeah. I'm really glad it didn't progress farther than it did in retrospect, but I ~was~ willing to do what I *did* work towards for the secondary happiness of making *him* happy. Honestly, I think that may be a pretty easy trap to fall into...and I think *THAT* might come into play regardless on whether you're sexual or ace. This could happen in anyone's first relationships - for example - when the person involved is too inexperienced to really be able to separate what *they* want for *themselves* from where they want the relationship to go.

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WhenSummersGone

I wish I was still a virgin, although I feel like one again after 6 years of not having sex. I just wish I didn't give in to pressure. I wanted a boyfriend and never got one really. Also I was just trying to fit in by losing my virginity like other teens. For me it was a faze, but now that it's over I just regret the whole thing. I still don't know if I will have sex in the future just to please a partner, probably not. I think if I regret this then maybe I'm more repulsed by sexual stuff than I thought.

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I think perhaps people just come to regret their actions in the past - they might not have at the time, but in hindsight they made the wrong choice.

I don't really feel good or bad about being a virgin, in the same way I don't feel good or bad about the fact I've never been skiing before. I think the whole concept of "virginity" is pretty bogus anyway. There isn't a word for the first time you eat a slice of chocolate cake, so what makes having sex so special? It's really just an out-dated concept that deserves no place in our society today.

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WhenSummersGone

I think perhaps people just come to regret their actions in the past - they might not have at the time, but in hindsight they made the wrong choice.

I can kind of agree with this. I was too busy pleasing partners to realize that I didn't want to do that stuff myself. Just bad decision making and not putting myself first.

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I agree with poindexter entirely. I've never had full-on intercourse but I've experimented with foreplay. This might either make me qualify as a virgin or not, depending on the definitions. I generally just say that I find the concept of virginity obsolete - it only really serves a purpose when it comes down to creating social stigma. Either you're not having enough sex or you're having too much of it... <_<

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when i tell people they also pity me or in some cases tell me im strong to not fall into the but everyone doing it phase". i guess im lucky cause MOST of my friend dont care or I ont care when people pity me because i find sex or lack of se soething really stupid to pity someone eover

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I think the whole concept of "virginity" is pretty bogus anyway. There isn't a word for the first time you eat a slice of chocolate cake, so what makes having sex so special? It's really just an out-dated concept that deserves no place in our society today.

I generally just say that I find the concept of virginity obsolete - it only really serves a purpose when it comes down to creating social stigma. Either you're not having enough sex or you're having too much of it... <_<

I agree so much!

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Grace, your post really touched me. I relate a lot to what you said. I was 22 when I disposed of my virginity which is unheard of where I'm from. At some point it went from "noble" to a curse. I blamed my virginity as the reason I couldn't be normal like my friends. It was my virginity's fault that I ran away once things got serious.. But I wasn't honest about it if the opportunity presented itself to lie. I started lying about it in HS. If details were asked for I looked at them like they were nasty for wanting details on someone's sex life.. Eventually an opportunity presented itself and I got wasted and used a guy I knew to basically, dispose of my virginity. That was the sentiment. And that was all their was too it. I just wanted to be normal. :(

I don't regret it. I regret not doing it earlier when other opportunities presented themselves. If I had than perhaps I would have realized long ago that sex wasn't the root of the issue, but rather sexuality.

I also ran into quite a few "I wish I would have waitied" girls. I think the thought behind that is not so much that they were physically forced, so much as the overwhelming social pressure and mixed messaging to have sex/not have sex so young. The pressure from peers is terrible. It's your friends in school, the magazines, the TV, the movies..it's just everywhere and you're supposed to be doin' it! If your not your a prude, or a goodie, or ugly, or socially inept, whatever they call smart young women with minds of their own in order to guilt them into conforming. I think that a lot of girls have sex for the first time for a number of reasons, and negative reasons are more of an issue than they realize until they're a bit older. Once some time has gone by and they really get a chance to be retrospective I think the regrets for allowing themselves to be pressured or swayed play a big part. These girls think their first love is going to be 'the one' and that THEY are going to make it, regardless of statistics. I think they look back and see foolishness.

I'm not trying to be sexist here, as if only girls can have feelings about virginity. It's the only perspective I know as no guys have ever talked to me about regretting losing virginity.

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iamphoenixfire

Honestly, the whole concept is outdated. At the end of the day, I don't think it matters whether you've had sex or not.

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While it shouldn't matter, it does. There is a certain look you are given when you tell someone you are a 22 year old virgin. It's a cross between pity and confusion and possibly a touch of horror while they try to figure out if you're joking. It's followed up by a raised eyebrow and curious expression "Really? Like really really?? Or a born again? I mean, REALLY? Is this a religious thing? Are you going to be a nun? I mean, how long are you going to wait for the right guy to come along? Are you sure you're not gay? Maybe THAT is your problem!" That's not a good feeling. They want to poke you with a stick and see if you're real. I felt like a freak of nature and I was only 22. They made a movie.. The 40 Year Old Virgin. They spent the entire movie mocking virginity and trying to get him laid.

The message: Don't have sex in HS, you're not ready..but if you haven't done it by the time you're 18 there is something wrong with you..

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I honestly don't know anyone who wishes they were still a virgin... I know people who wish they had lost it to someone different than who they did, or that they would have waited a few more months or years, but no one I know wants to still be a virgin. The first time is (I hear) awkward and nerve-wracking and uncomfortable (physically and/or emotionally). I also HATE admitting that I am still a virgin. Even if it is my choice (half is half isn't for me), it seems like there is something wrong with you that no one wants to have sex with you. The only other people I know who are still virgins and are my age are waiting until marriage out of beliefs.

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this whole thread is an example of all the stupid things that soceity put at the top of its spectrum at the sake of being normal. to everyone whose ashame of being a virgin dont be. youre not a freak youre just diffrent, you dont have a problem the people around you have a problem witth you , youre not unattractive, unworthy or anything else you just dont want to rub genitals with someone else and thats ok beside your friends had sex and they didnt turn into celebrities or immortals so stop making them feel like they did by making you feel like crap

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While it shouldn't matter, it does. There is a certain look you are given when you tell someone you are a 22 year old virgin. It's a cross between pity and confusion and possibly a touch of horror while they try to figure out if you're joking. It's followed up by a raised eyebrow and curious expression "Really? Like really really?? Or a born again? I mean, REALLY? Is this a religious thing? Are you going to be a nun? I mean, how long are you going to wait for the right guy to come along? Are you sure you're not gay? Maybe THAT is your problem!" That's not a good feeling. They want to poke you with a stick and see if you're real. I felt like a freak of nature and I was only 22. They made a movie.. The 40 Year Old Virgin. They spent the entire movie mocking virginity and trying to get him laid.

The message: Don't have sex in HS, you're not ready..but if you haven't done it by the time you're 18 there is something wrong with you..

Really? I guess I've never admitted I'm a virgin except to close friends (most of whom are socially awkward or asexual themselves), so I've never heard that. Well, 22 year olds unite...

Two of my female friends have told me they wished they waited for the right guy. *shrugs*

I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that some lovely heteronormative breaking-of-the-hymen ritual (I don't think I ever had a hymen, haha) will not change anything about me. Sure, it might be nice to be sexually experienced... if I wanted to be sexually active to use that experience... in which case I would have to get pleasure from sex in order to want to be sexually active? ...If I ever get pleasure from sex, I should have it with someone willing to deal with my inexperience, so I think I'll be fine.

I used to want to have sex, but then I read about STIs, and birth control, and yeast infections... Never mind. I can barely be bothered to put batteries in a vibrator; I don't want to actually take the effort to go to a doctor.

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peanut-butter-cloud

One the very few occasions that I've been asked if I'm a virgin, I've just told them that it's none of their business. Because, unless the person asking is my doctor, it IS none of their business and has absolutely nothing to do with them.

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I think perhaps people just come to regret their actions in the past - they might not have at the time, but in hindsight they made the wrong choice.

I don't really feel good or bad about being a virgin, in the same way I don't feel good or bad about the fact I've never been skiing before. I think the whole concept of "virginity" is pretty bogus anyway. There isn't a word for the first time you eat a slice of chocolate cake, so what makes having sex so special? It's really just an out-dated concept that deserves no place in our society today.

I agree with poindexter entirely. I've never had full-on intercourse but I've experimented with foreplay. This might either make me qualify as a virgin or not, depending on the definitions. I generally just say that I find the concept of virginity obsolete - it only really serves a purpose when it comes down to creating social stigma. Either you're not having enough sex or you're having too much of it... <_<

Honestly, the whole concept is outdated. At the end of the day, I don't think it matters whether you've had sex or not.

I agree with each of these - when if we're talking about societal perception of virginity. I am very happy to remain a virgin - not out of any perceptions or assumptions as to being one as different than not one - *except for the fact that sex would have been traumatic for me.* Even in the situation I was approaching it in, it was not right for me or for *my own* well being - and I was twisting myself around that to try to do what was more in the interests of my partner at the time. That would put me in the "it would have been bad in retrospect" camp, but it's just easier to say "I'm happier to remain a virgin" than "I'm happy I didn't have sex at the cost of my own emotional health and stability." I see virginity as simply a way as describing "having never had sex" with no additional connotations.

I also haven't had any of the negative reactions associated with being open about my virginity though. I'm 31 - so I'm near a decade past the 22 that was mentioned earlier in the tread. *All* of my friends are aware - and the only time it was of any problem was when my boyfriend-to-be (and then relationship partner) wasn't taking me seriously about not wanting to be sexually active. But that "assuming playing hard to get issue" was the only bit of this I've seen. To my knowledge I've not been thought less of for this. (Or, at least, not to my face...) But, I *OWN* this about myself. It isn't something I'm ashamed of, and I see no point about being squeamish about admitting it publicly if it somehow gets brought up. Maybe that's part of why I don't see the same reaction - I don't know. But it's never been an issue for me.

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Nothings_Changed

Yikes does this one bring up some bad memories for me.

I didn't even know of the word virgin until middle school. To me there was no difference between a person who had or had not had sex. it was like asking if you had ran a marathon or eat liver before. seemed silly to label it.

The label only seemed to apply to female/male sex, so when I was with my first girlfriend, it "didn't count". At the time I had very very low self esteem and worth that the first guy who showed any interest I went for. he pressured me into sex. so I I officially lost my v-card to societys twisted standards at 16. I didn't think it was a big deal but apparently I was VERY wrong. I was getting shamed at home and at school (not directly, they were even slut-shaming everyone but I felt it was a personal attack.) in a later relationship, I was getting shamed by there religion.

It wasn't until about 3 years until the guilt went way.

so do I wish I was? Well be societies twisted view, I am now a male but I have not yet penetrated anything so I am still a virgin. But I don't think its important. One day it might happen. one day I might jump out of a plane. one day I might eat a spider that's been battered and deep fried. Its not too high on my to-do list. If you exchanged bodily fluids with another person in a sexual matter does not change your value as a person.

the funny thing is that that all important little membrane that decides is you have value as a person... yeah I broke that way before I even knew what sex was. All I knew at the time was when I masturbated it kept me from wetting the bed, and there was one time when there was a sharp pain and a bit of blood. scared me big time. my mom thought I was starting my period early so I was given a liner and on my way. so screw you society! I popped myself!

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I don't care about being a virgin or not, have never been :P

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I'm glad I waited until 22 to have 100% consensual PIV sex with someone I love. I don't regret it, however, it wasn't some big great thing.

Also there's no way to tell if someone is a virgin. Penises don't change for one. And the hymen technically doesn't break or "pop" (however it CAN be ruptured but usually it just stretches and moves out of the way). So really no one will know by looking at you physically if you're a virgin or not, only if you tell them.

There's nothing wrong with never having sex, having a ton of sex, only having sex with someone you love, etc. No one should be made to feel ashamed for any of that.

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I really really really really wanted to be 'normal'. I never really cared about who else was or was not having sex, I just knew that I was not and that where I lived it was uncommon to not be having sex. So I did it. I can say that in retrospect it was not for the best. Once I started having sex my life spun down out of control and what started with drinking to be okay with sex turned into doing really heavy drugs. That went on for two years before I met my husband and got clean. But then I was back to drinking heavily in order to 'be normal'. I ended up pregnant within 3 months of our relationship starting. I stopped drinking which meant I had to deal with some raw emotions to continue trying to have sex with him.. I understand sex and sexual people, but I'm removed from the situation even while it's happening. I tried to ignore the lower half of my bofy and focus on emotions, but that became an ugly place as well.

So here's my thoughts in retrospect. Had I never pressued myself into doing it the first time, I wouldn't have moved on to highly addictive scary drugs, wouldn't have jumped Will's bones, wouldn't have ended up pregnant, would have probably broken up with Will 9 years ago, wouldn't have gotten married and pregnant again, wouldn't be facing a divorce now and there wouldn't be a custody battle impending on the horizon. I would be free to move as I see fit instead of free to move out of my house as long as I stay within 45 miles of my soon to be ex. He would have moved on with his life many years ago and we would both be happier people.

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I don't regret "losing my virginity"/engaging in sex, I had sex for the first time with someone I really loved, trusted, who treated me right and who I'm still with today. I was 19, so I was a legal adult. I look back on the memory with happy feelings. I have friends who's first sexual experiences were rape, or very painful and with people they didn't care about (and with people who didn't give a shit about them).

I kind of wish I had waited longer/was still a virgin, but only because when I was a virgin, I felt a lot of shame about it. Not because I wanted to have sex (I didn't), but because I felt like everyone looked down on me because of it, that sex was the main focus of everything and I couldn't escape judgement... every drinking game was pertaining to details of one's sex life (I hadn't had my 'first kiss' until after I graduated high school-- I was really out of my element in those games). It wasn't until after I "lost my virginity" that I realized IT DOESN'T MATTER. It doesn't. It's very arbitrary whether you've experienced sex or not. It doesn't change who you are, it doesn't make you wiser or smarter or braver or anything. It's nothing. My morning shits have more meaning to me than it.

So I guess the only thing I regret is not being more confident with my non-stretched hymen. I wish I had not fallen victim to stupid social pressures.

While it shouldn't matter, it does. There is a certain look you are given when you tell someone you are a 22 year old virgin. It's a cross between pity and confusion and possibly a touch of horror while they try to figure out if you're joking. It's followed up by a raised eyebrow and curious expression "Really? Like really really?? Or a born again? I mean, REALLY? Is this a religious thing? Are you going to be a nun? I mean, how long are you going to wait for the right guy to come along? Are you sure you're not gay? Maybe THAT is your problem!" That's not a good feeling. They want to poke you with a stick and see if you're real. I felt like a freak of nature and I was only 22. They made a movie.. The 40 Year Old Virgin. They spent the entire movie mocking virginity and trying to get him laid.

The message: Don't have sex in HS, you're not ready..but if you haven't done it by the time you're 18 there is something wrong with you..

Yup yup yup to what I made bold: stupid society pressures. It's a fucked up message and it makes no sense. So fuck it. Make your own sensible rules to follow. Don't let others dictate how you live or how you feel about yourself.

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I lost my viriginity to a boy that I wasn't attracted to or interested in at all really. At first I regretted it because I was raised believing that sex was special and for marriage, but quickly any regrets I had disappeared. I'm glad I had the experience because it satisfied my curiousity about what sex feels like and confirmed that I could go the rest of my life without missing it at all (not my thing).

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StrangeCreature

I'm not a virgin...and it's interesting that I just saw this topic, since I've been thinking about this a lot.

I never actually really wanted sex. "Playing around" was one thing (although I never was crazy about that either, since I preferred masturbation), but sex was something I thought at very least an uncomfortable idea. When I was 16, I was raped, but I never counted that as losing my virginity, and I definitely didn't want sex at that time. It wasn't my choice, and it was against my will. I lost my virginity when I was 19...maybe 20. It's funny, I don't quite remember how old I was when I "officially" lost my virginity. I didn't even enjoy it then...It was like I did it for the heck of it. It was almost an impulsive, "Well, I probably should". My partner at the time still thinks that I wanted it, because I initiated. I know I just was being impulsive and lying to myself.

Do I wish I was still a virgin? Absolutely! I've always regretted having had sex, even before I started to wonder if I am in fact asexual. I also despise the possibility of having an STD (although I probably don't, since the sex I've had was protected...and I've been tested for the major things), because it's like not enjoying yourself, then getting something awful as well... a pointless curse...although I shouldn't overreact to something unlikely...

Maybe having sex allowed me to see for sure that I don't like it...but what if I find out I'm not asexual/aromantic, and find the right one? Then I would wish the first time was with them.

All in all, yes, I absolutely regret ever having had sex.

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In my sex ed they thought us that first everyone should masturbate to learn their sexuality and then later on when feeling like it, try out with reliable person so that first time would be as nice as possible. The main stream church doesn't even try to tell people to wait until marriage. Smaller religious groups deny even kissing before marriage. Here "virgin" means a person who has not experienced the joys of adult life and losing it has no negative conotations.

Well, as a teenager I really didn't masturbate because I felt no need. But I got a boyfriend and I was ashamed that I was 19 and still virgin. I wanted to become sexual and I though I'd start be interested after having sex. I was in that way using him. And I think I was the one who was pressuring my then virgin boyfriend to act too soon. But heck, it was summer, nothing to do and whole house for just us. We did try it couple times, but I was just too tight for nothing to happen. So in that way I'm technically a virgin. I feel like one. And I think I lost my hymen in the pelvic exam much later on.

I'm sort of embarrassed by that fact, because it feels to me like rite of passage. Something everyone should experience, need and enjoy. I was pretty conflicted by that idea before I realised I was asexual. Now I'm trying to fit puzzle pieces together in my head and in my social life. I know now that why I don't want or need sex and I have terms to explain it to others. I just need more courage to be open about it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

While I have not engaged in sex, I have engaged in foreplay more than once and for me that's all I do. Even then now as I have turned 23 I don't have the strong need or inkling to be physical with another person.

I have been publicly told that I am phsycologically immature for aligning with demisexuality/Gray-A to just be a "special snowflake" by a guy. But that aside Im more reserved in that way I guess since the last person I was with didn't understand that being really touchy without asking was not okay after I told him blantantly the first time that I'd rather get to know a person before getting physical with them in any way. The sad part is when he tried to do foreplay three days into the relationship I froze up and couldn't say stop (i had managed a "well I need to be getting home" so he could meet my mom that night). He called me various things that really emotionally messed me up a bit and made me feel bad about things or talked down to me. It triggered my anxiety to the point that I lost 10lbs within a week (which ment I was like 98lbs at the time, Im 4'10") because I didn't feel like eating. After I broke up with him I felt that I couldn't really be that open with my other guy friends except one guy friend for about a year. (The ex went to my college so seeing him around from time to time made me anxious.)

Even then my mom jokingly said last summer "around this time you had a boyfriend you didn't know what to do with". It was only this last spring I had actually told her about him trying to be physical with me on the night he was going to meet her.

I have even be considered bitter because not having sex with someone I would being in a relationship (theoretically) means im not "whole" in caring about another person. Which is a big lie.

So all in all I haven't had sex, but I have been pressured before out of the expectations of what Im suppose to do with the opposite sex be it foreplay or kissing etc. But when it comes to sex in the end I don't really have an inkling for it. I figure I am not missing much. But I don't feel as isolated by not engaging in sex while my friends have.

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