Asexuals: do you feel sex?

[TGA]

TL;DR I am wondering if it is an uncommon occurrence for people who identify as asexual not to be able to feel sex or masturbation. Of course definitions are fluid and vary from person to person, but I do not personally know any people who are asexual and my understanding of asexuality is... can feel sex, but do not desire it generally. Asking here for, well, obvious reasons.

For context behind this, I am a female (age 20 so I'm not a smidget whose hormones haven't kicked in yet probably) who can not feel any physical pleasure. The thing that is mystifying about it is that I don't really have a reason not to... I didn't come from an abusive family or overly religious one, and have never experienced any sex-related trauma in my life. I identify as pansexual, but panromantic might be more accurate because I have a joke of a sex drive as well.

I'm asking this because I keep getting asked if, or am told that I am asexual, by my doctors. I'm also asked things like if I'm certain I'm not gay or if I'm sure I know what a clitoris is though, haha. As a whole though, it seems like doctors are kind of willing to brush me off as this being "normal" and I'm not sure if it is? Or if they're right and I'm just being stubborn. I also get asked why I want sex a lot when I've never experienced it by both doctors and peers too.

Every time Asexual Awareness Week rolls around, I get a lot of people saying how they felt broken or like something was wrong with them before realizing they were asexual. That speaks to me because that's how I feel, but I don't feel asexual. I get told that I am repeatedly though so... I won't ask if I am asexual, because people telling me isn't going to ram it into my head any faster if so, but have any other asexuals experienced a total lack of sexual sensation?

Would elaborate further if asked, but this is kind of weird to talk about, haha.

[Lydian]

I don't really know personally, but I do think there are others who get nothing out of it. I couldn't tell you who off the top of my head but I've seen others on here say they don't get any kind of pleasure out of sex either.

[Guest]

I get nothing out of sex. I have never gotten the point of masturbation either. It's like "Ok, is this it? What all the fuss is about?" *shrug* It's like being touched in any sensitive area of my body - stroke my tongue or have sex with me, same result. Since I have no ATTRACTION, DESIRE or URGE for anything sexual (including masturbation) I identify as asexual non-libidoist. :)

[Sally]

There's a range of experiences among asexuals.

I had sex with two successive partners for many years and never felt a thing other than annoyed. Many other AVEN posters who've had sex because they wanted to please their partners have said the same thing.

Some people, though, have said that although they haven't really wanted sex and didn't feel sexual attraction for other people, they enjoyed it once it was happening.

From what I've seen on AVEN during the years I've been here, though, the majority opinion has been either "yawn" or "please let's just get this over with".

[zactak]

I will preface this by saying that my sexual relationships have been very limited, and were the results of me just getting the "urge," to be with someone sexually and did not come from being in intimate relationships. With that said, I have never gotten a positive sensation from being sexual with others. Each time I have felt nothing, and once it's over with, I don't want anyone touching me.

[Elderberry]

Possible TMI

I am able to feel a somewhat pleasurable physical arousal under certain circumstances. There was a very brief period in my life where I masturbated (by grinding, with clothes on--I could never bear to touch myself: too gross). I have had sex in a significant number of positions, and only rarely was it as good as the feeling of being aroused. There was a while where I was uncertain if I had really experienced an orgasm, just because it was so underwhelming. I'm pretty sure that I experience much less physical pleasure from sexual acts than my peers--it's not none, though.

I have heard that the ability to feel sexual pleasure is extremely variable amongst women. Men are evolutionarily selected to feel pleasure and be able to ejaculate--that is how our species continues. Because women have homologous body parts, we may be able to experience pleasure and orgasm, but because there is little evolutionary pressure for women to enjoy sex, there is a lot more variation. I have heard of at least one other woman who was not able to experience sexual pleasure, but I believe that this is fairly rare. Doctors may avoid making a 'big deal' out of rare conditions with no possible treatment--there was a US woman whose gynecologist never mentioned to her that she did not have a clitoris, or that it was an extremely rare condition.

[Neytiri]

I can enjoy masturbating as long as I'm by myself so no others watching and things like that.

[FiddleKid]

I never get sexually aroused in the slightest, things like watching porn makes me feel nauseous and disgusted. I do not masturbate and the idea doesn't do anything for me at all. Touching genitals... whats the point? It doesn't make me feel anything but disgust and embarassment. And i've never had sex.

[tuvok]

It is hard to put into words without sharing too much information.

I don't feel excitement when people touch me. There is no uncomfortable or comfortable feelings associated with being touched.

Sex has never brought me to a point of orgasm although not for a lack of effort.

And when I masturbate "orgasms" is not pleasurable. They just are.

As far as sensors go I obviously feel what is happening and can feel everything from temperature changes to skin contact.

It would be about as weird as if someone kissed my elbow or hand. I do have sensation these places but none of those is pleasurable or wanted.

To me it is mostly painful and awkward. (might as well lock it in a vice and pour boiling water on myself.)

It is also painful because it takes too long and my mind wanderers.

How come she can enjoy this? Are she in as great pain as I am? Was that a grump of pain? What would people say if I was the one to say "not tonight"? What would she think? Don't I love her? Am I incapable of love? Do I have to finish? Am I hurting her? How long has it been? What did that article say about the average length of intercourse? Should I stick to exactly that? How far can I go under? How can I introduce the idea of a safeword without making her think I want to hurt her. Would it be weird if I said something? That's it I can't take it anymore! If you loved me you would never ask this of me again. Finally. Cuddletime.

I am not disgusted by the act. I have had times where the pain weren't there but nothing makes it good.

I puzzled with the idea that I might be gay but I didn't even want to try that.

I compare it to something else like kissing because that part I do get.

Kissing makes me high beyond something I can fathom. It feels good and for some illogical reason I want that and more.

I have been in a place where I had a SO and we kissed so much and so often that I were happy in situations that would normally get on my nerves.

That part I get.

Orientation is about emotions and what makes you happy that way.

Sensation is about what you experience with your body.

There are people who are sexual but can't enjoy sex for some biological reason.

For a long time this was what I knew and what I could hold on to.

I have just recently learned about asexuality and is still figuring out how I fit in to all this but I identify as hetero-romantic asexual.

This has opened up a new world for me.

I have avoided women for half a decade because I thought I was broken for feeling this way.

I would rather be judged by my male peers for not being in a relationship than going through this torment of being with a women who gave great pleasure and great pain.

A part of me realizing that there is others who doesn't experience attraction, yet are in a fulfilling relationship has given me hope that if I just learn to express myself I could make it work someday.

Even if you aren't asexual it might be useful to learn how to express exactly what you want so you can communicate how you love and wants to be loved.

Don't use labels because you feel you have to.

[Researching]

This is an interesting question for me. I'll tell you MY experience. Sexuality is a complex subject made up of many factors that vary from person to person and I cannot speak for anyone else.

I just learned about asexuality. As soon as I read the definition, I knew, without doubt that I'm asexual. But, for the first 55 years of my life I didn't realize that my lack of interest was perfectly normal. Lacking sexual interest and being a problem solver led me to go through a lot of work to try and 'fix' my 'problem'. I've become a walking encyclopedia of all things sexual. I've had many experiences including sexual relationships, marriage, and children. I write 'on the fly' erotica of top quality in virtual worlds when I want some perverse entertainment. I've tried it all *rolls eyes at self* and, frankly, none of it did much for me.

My body is quite able, mechanically, of being aroused and of having an orgasm. It is, however, a very difficult and rare thing to accomplish. Maybe that's because women's arousal depends a lot on psychological factors and my lack of sexual attraction puts a big damper on the situation. The half a dozen times I've had an orgasm was with someone I was very emotionally close to. However, even then, it was a very difficult thing to achieve.

More important, it felt rather scientific to me. A curiosity answered rather than a need fulfilled or some enlightening or enthralling experience. Yes, it was a intense physical feeling but more like the opposite of horrible pain. It was intense but it just was. It was in no way attached to anything in me like love, happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, enlightenment - nothing. It was just an intellectually interesting physical experience.

So, to answer the question, yes, I physically, mechanically feel sex. Because the psychological factors don't exist for me it was not an emotional or spiritual experience for me in any way. Also, for the same reasons, it's a rare occurrence for me.

On another note, Recently I did have a very strange experience. Two nights in the same week I woke up in the middle of the night feeling insanely horny. I coulda took on half the city it was so bad. Turns out it had something to do with my level of Vasopressin an amino acid hormone. I was horny because I was broken, I'm all fixed now and it's gone. =D~`

[Janus the Fox]

I think that sexual attraction and sexual enjoyment is two separate things that are independent. There will be sexuals that don't get pleasure from sex and asexuals who do. Its different for all.

For me, enjoyment from masturbation is different all the time. Some of the time, there is no pleasure, most of the time its weak and unfulfilling, sometimes its fine and rarely its unbearably too strong. I don't have sex to measure that pleasure.

[Ashlyn52]

I've always been able to masturbate to orgasm fairly easily, but always had difficulty when married. I was never frigid, but seldom had an orgasm during sex. After my divorce I never felt the urge to date again or seek out any sort of sexual relationship. When my friends say I should find a partner I just laugh and say I have no interest. When they ask if I don't get horny I just reply that it's nothing I can't handle by myself. Truth is...I sometime do wish I had a partner, but I just don't want to be obligated to have sex. Oddly enough though, I do have a fairly rich fantasy life about sex. I just don't want to indulge in it anymore.

[Dedication]

When I first started "masturbating" (not knowing what it was) I had feelings down there, but they weren't "pleasurable." They were just interesting. Having a little scientific mind, I kept rubbing my clitoris (no penetration at this point) thinking that something else might happen. I did this a lot, with no results. In fact, as the years went by, the "interesting feelings" become harder and harder to evoke. Now that I know what it was I was doing, the little experiments were over and the desire to engage in that stuff reduced dramatically.

I occasionally masturbated before I realized my asexuality because 1) I thought everyone was doing it, and 2) I was curious on this "orgasm" thing. According to some sources, a female orgasm is the involuntary contraction of the vaginal muscles. That's it. The part that makes you feel that climatic pleasure is hormone-related. Well, I can fully say I've experienced an orgasm and got nothing pleasurable out of it. I asked my gynecologist about it (I take birth control for my horrible PMS) and she said that it might be different if it involved a guy I was attracted to. Since I am not sexually attracted to anyone, I realized then that I probably will never feel that "climax." And I'm okay with that; masturbation and sex are just a waste of my time.

Sorry if that was TMI for some people.

[cavyX]

I have had four sexual partners, and I do feel sex sometimes, I've had an orgasm before and it was okay. Mostly though I am so uninterested in sex it ends up hurting me because I don't get into it enough that theres nothing happening down there to help things along, (tmi sorry) I went through a stage of trying to masturbate to feel something but mostly I just feel grossed out by it. So I guess, yes I can feel sex sometimes, but it doesn't interest me.

[AmethystMuse]

If it helps when my ex partners tried to pleasure me it just felt uncomfortable, I didn't actually get pleasure out of it, although I can pleasure myself

[~Rikki~]

I'm gray-ace. I haven't thought about the two times I've had PIV sex in detail. But it was difficult to enjoy for multiple reasons (I have a knee problem so that's one of the reasons). I get more out of masturbating. And if I'm drunk, my sex drive goes up but I HATE being touched sexually when drunk by another person and don't get anything out of it. I'll only do sexual things with someone I love if they can give me what I need on an emotional level. I don't need sex nor do I desire that pain.

[sarahhhha]

Ehhh when I have sex it literally feels like nothing. Not good not bad..just nothing. Actually, pain is the only actual sensation I've felt from sex lol. The whole time I feel awkward and disgusted and ashamed...also frustrated as hell that I can't have a 'normal' pleasurable sex life. I have never orgasmed ( or even come close) from any kind of sex. I have when I've done things myself..but even that makes me feel disgusted and embarassed. TBH the only reason I ever masturbate is because I think it's good for mental health to orgasm and release those endorphins every now and then. Lol how sexy.

[WhenSummersGone]

Vaginal sex is the only sex act where I literally feel nothing. I'm usually so bored during it that I can't even remember how it felt. It's so pointless and weird to me. Along with being bored I'm also hoping the guy will hurry up and finish. Then later I feel like an object because I'm so removed from it. I feel repulsed by it because of that, but I could be indifferent. I have no idea actually how I feel about intercourse. And because I feel nothing I've never had an orgasm from it and probably never will.

[Lia]

Vaginal sex is the only sex act where I literally feel nothing. I'm usually so bored during it that I can't even remember how it felt. It's so pointless and weird to me. Along with being bored I'm also hoping the guy will hurry up and finish. Then later I feel like an object because I'm so removed from it. I feel repulsed by it because of that, but I could be indifferent. I have no idea actually how I feel about intercourse. And because I feel nothing I've never had an orgasm from it and probably never will.

This is the same for me, in all ways except I'm not repulsed with the act, just with myself afterward.

[VinnyCrow]

A lot of people think that having no sex drive means there's something wrong with you, but it can be completely normal and healthy, just rare. What you described sounds like it could be nonlibidoism, or at least I relate to it as a nonlibidoist; it might help to take a look at the article on the AVEN Wiki.

As far as my experiences go, I have never been aroused, never masturbated, never had sex, and never will-- and I'm completely happy with this. Also I am 20, like you are, if that's worth noting.

[RTerroni]

Not really but I do sometimes Masturbate

[niinaa]

haha funny thread. totally get how y'all feel!

[violachick]

I don't feel much during sex or masturbation, it's a hell of a chore to make me orgasm haha. Whenever I masturbate it's not cause I want to, its more out of boredom,

[gypsy_princess]

what do you mean with "feel"? like, getting a sensation?

i've never had sex so i can't tell, but when i randomly tried to masturbate, i felt nothing

[Nairda Rose]

I feel pleasurable sensation when I masturbate, but when I have sex I feel nothing really.

TMI: When I would have sex I would call it stamina, because I could go for a really long time without finishing. I would have to finish myself because nothing they did would give me any sensation. Its like when I touch my self its pleasurable, but when others touch me its as if they're touching my arm or something.

[born_in_darkness]

As terrible as it is that I can answer this at my age...personally, no. I could probably get screwed and fall asleep. For me though it's more that I dont feel personal attatchment to people.

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

I can get physically aroused with enough stimulation, but it took my boyfriend a lot of effort. Kissing never EVER turned me on, it was simply kissing, and pretty much always during the actual, um, 'act' I would get bored about 2/3 minutes in (when the flash of physical arousal faded) and wish that he would just hurry up and finish.

That was with my boyfriend, and I orgasmed a grand total of once during the 80/90 times we did it, and have never felt like I needed to repeat the experience, hence why I have never masturbated.

[Waffleguru]

I've never gotten turned on by anything, never had an orgasm, and I don't feel any "omgthisisawesome" sensations during sex, and I just feel awkward when by BF goes down on me. For a long time I just assumed that maybe girls really didn't enjoy sex, and they all just faked it XD

[Domo-san]

I never had sex, so..... I don't feel it.