AVENguy Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 Don't know what it is, but for some reason I've stopped outting myself. A mite odd since I'm all about the visibility and people on my campus who don't know my name know me as "The Asexual." (Technically as "the asexual on rollerblades.") Don't know why, I haven't really felt a NEED to, it's been an avoidable topic. I think that part of my is getting sick of the explaining (or rather, the people who are polite enough not to ask questions but rude enough to make assumptions.) I also am afriad that people relate to me differently when I've got a label like that, not only am I catagorized (and therefore inaccessible in a way), but people feel like they can't be attracted to me (sexually or otherwise), which gets old. I still drop theory like it's my job, but I've been talking about asexuality in general rather than my asexual self. How do other people feel about outing themselves? The only time I really feel a need to now is when I get the sense that someone is getting the wrong idea, when sexual tension is getting the way of something worthwhile and I need to clear the slate. Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 I think an argument is always a good thing, therefore I say it when I have an opportunity :D Link to post Share on other sites
Neats Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 I live in a small town with very predjudiced and small minded people. Because of my job, I would probably get the crap beat out of me if I outed myself. At the very least, I would not be effective at my job because people would not want to interact with me as much. I have had one person react negatively to my outing. Ouch!! Definitely reacted and interacted with me differently. The others(all three of them) are accepting of me but not sure how to handle the information. I trust these people not to tell others. I could see where the 'broken record' explanations might get to be a bit much. I find I just tell them about the AVEN website and then ask me questions after they have read things. As for the rest of the world, if I am asked directly, I will answer. If not, then I don't really care and I don't advertise it. There will be a few more people I out myself to, but that will be done at my own time and pace. I am still on a journey of self discovery and need to settle things in my own mind before telling others. You being AVENguy though...you are in a different position all together. I am content to just go with the flow where I am. You are being looked at by others as the example setter and leader. How much pressure do you feel from the rest of the asexual world to be out? Is it too late for you to back away from this now? If you take a break from educating the masses, how long can it realistically be? Maybe just break away from the 'active' outing to the world for a bit and try to interact with the people that currently know until they are more confortable with the term asexual. Maybe you started too big. One suggestion might be to build some stronger non sexual friendships with those that currently know and create a smaller world of acceptance around you. Focus on yourself and your needs for a while before trying to help the rest of the asexual world out. This might also help develop ways to communicate with sexuals when describing yourself. A sexual vocabulary in an asexual world. Sexuals really don't communicate on this level. Then, once you have built your strength up again (sorry...don't know how to phrase this version of recharge your batteries) go at it again. Clear as mud? I am finding that I don't communicate as well in the written word. It is clear in my mind but something gets lost in the translation to the page in front of me. It is also difficult when you don't really know the person you are writing to. You just know you are similar in some ways by virtue of the fact you are both at this forum. Anyway, just my thoughts...take it or leave it. TTFN Neats Link to post Share on other sites
orderinchaos Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 I've been outing on a need to know basis to potential partners and a few close friends, and that's really about it. :P Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted July 18, 2003 Share Posted July 18, 2003 Well, here's the thing with me. I've become rather uncomfortable with the label "asexual" lately. Not with what it means, just with the word. It feels like saying that I'm asexual is alienating the other person too much, putting myself as you say in an unreachable category. So the other night when someone (albeit online) asked me if I was gay, since I had been talking about queer topics, I hesitated and then said that no, I wasn't gay; in fact I had no interest in sex with either gender, but I was very interested in the gay community in place of any veritable offline asexual community. So I described myself in a way that she could relate to better, just as a person who didn't want sex, instead of using some "weird" label, but then threw the name of asexuality out there as relating to the community but not to describe me as a person. Does that make sense? It seemed that that way, both means are accomplished. That's what I would probably do with an IRL person as well, but I have not had many opportunities to. A lot of times it seems irrelevant. I have no problems with talking about in the appropriate circumstances and increasing visibility, but I'm usually not in those circumstances. Even at the queer org I work at, one of the women knows as I found a way to bring it up and the other I don't believe does; but either way, it hasn't seemed relevant. We're working on gay rights and whatever orientation I am is just, not important. I mean if they asked me about dates or that sort of thing then it would become relevant, but luckily that hasn't happened, so it hasn't been relevant. At the risk of making this post even longer... here's another piece to the asexual cake, though. This summer and over july 4 weekend we've had a bunch of relatives visit. I am talking specifically relatives of my stepmom who I hadn't known before. In two instances they mentioned a boyfriend or insinuated that I would have or did have a boyfriend. I was extremely uncomfortable in those situations and resented their insinuations, but on the other hand a big family gathering is not exactly the right time to say "No, I'm not interested in that kind of thing" (well okay I guess I could have said THAT, but the wording didn't occur to me at the time) or to say "No, I'm asexual" ... there's a certain flow of pretending everything's fine or status quo or whatever that I've found that you have to follow at those kinds of events...and maybe I'm wrong, but yeah, so I haven't "outed" myself at those events even though I had the opportunity. I did say "I would not do such a thing" to the old man who asked me on july 4...but in the context that could have meant several things, most likely that I wouldn't take him out to dinner. Anyway...yeah.. Family Outings...what does everyone do when SOs are assumed there? Kate Link to post Share on other sites
AVENguy Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 Viv- it's all about rocking the ambiguity. People will rarely come up and say : "So, fucking anyone these days?" Romantic relationship? Well I'm looking, but you know how busy college is, and who knows what that means anyway (hahaha, clink.) Anyone new in my life? Not really, though there are some possibilities floating around. If they give you too much trouble make them define "boyfriend" and watch them squirm. Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted July 19, 2003 Share Posted July 19, 2003 It doesn't seem like there's more than one way to define boyfriend...? Link to post Share on other sites
AVENguy Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 I wouldn't even say that there's one. "A guy with whome you have a sexual relationship?" Not quite (one-night stands aren't really "boyfriends.") A guy you date? What's a date? I go to movies with guys all the TIME, but wouldn't call them my boyfriend. A combination of the two? No, there's no one who I both am sexual with and go do things with on a regular basis, but isn't that a somewhat arbitrary distinction. Like "Hey, got any friends who you're taking classes with and who also enjoy the same flavors of ice cream as you? Just thought I'd check, ya know." Link to post Share on other sites
orderinchaos Posted July 19, 2003 Share Posted July 19, 2003 I've found myself retrospectively classifying people who I called boyfriends at the time into relationships or non-relationships. It is all rather arbitrary. Link to post Share on other sites
AVENguy Posted July 20, 2003 Author Share Posted July 20, 2003 I could see that. I would reclassify a few of my old friendships which weren't girlfriends at the time into "relationships" like that. Link to post Share on other sites
VivreEstEsperer Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 All of the classifications in dating and relationships have always been pretty meaningless to me... you're right, they are pretty arbitrary. And luckily a puzzle that I will not have to figure out... Link to post Share on other sites
Skiddaloxx Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 I wanna explain to my dear ones, what being asexual is, but the time's not ripe yet. Though it feels like at the verge, and somethings gonna happen soon. The thing is, this forum has helped me regarding asexuality as such a normal thing, that it's almost boring and pointless to talk about it. I feel comfy about myself and it gets on my nerves to be reduced down to my sexuality. "normal ppl" don't explain their heterosexuality either. why should I then? still, and i am saying this despite the fact that i like an air of mystery, i like to clear it up once and for all with my people. ONCE. That should be enough! Link to post Share on other sites
Skiddaloxx Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 I wanna explain to my dear ones, what being asexual is, but the time's not ripe yet. Though it feels like I am at the vergeof revealing it, and somethings gonna happen soon. The thing is, this forum has helped me regarding asexuality as such a normal thing, that it's almost boring and pointless to talk about it. I feel comfy about myself and it gets on my nerves to be reduced down to my sexuality. "normal ppl" don't explain their heterosexuality either. why should I then? still, and i am saying this despite the fact that i like an air of mystery, i like to clear it up once and for all with my people. ONCE. That should be enough! Link to post Share on other sites
Skiddaloxx Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 oops, double post! NOW THAT'S EMBARASSING? (and how do you write this damn word! arggg it's late!!) *throwing bombs* Link to post Share on other sites
Skiddaloxx Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 *scatter-headed* Link to post Share on other sites
guardianoftheblind Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 it gets on my nerves to be reduced down to my sexuality. "normal ppl" don't explain their heterosexuality either. I have similar feelings, and have not been inclined to out myself to many people or to become involved with queer organizations. I'm afraid of asexuality overrunning my life, I think that could be unhealthy. Asexuality is indeed part of who I am, but it's not everything that I am. I've been stigatized and been seen for only one aspect of myself in the past, I know how unpleasant and frustrating it can be. AVENguy, could you explain a little more how you discuss asexuality in general rather than about yourself as asexual? What do you say if and when you get "how did you hear about this stuff"? Link to post Share on other sites
AVENguy Posted July 21, 2003 Author Share Posted July 21, 2003 I'm a crazy queer, so I generally just mix it in with talking about other queer stuff (trans theory, etc.) But where you got the info really isn't important (you were reading something interesting on the internet.) I feel like I can usually get the gyst of what I want to say out and avoid the confining label. Once I've gotten them to question the idea that sexual and nonsexual relationships are distinctly different things I can be as asexual as I please and it's just part of the discussion. To me it's almost just about removing the imperative, the assumption that I should be trying to be sexual. Once that's in question I'm fine, and I don't need to say I'm asexual to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gorax Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 Hehe I suppose not having many friends does have its advantages. Link to post Share on other sites
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