(For females) Hymenorrhaphy and would you consider this?

[WhenSummersGone]

I'm not sure what kind of attention this topic will bring, but I've been looking into this for awhile. Here's the Wikipedia link about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hymenorrhaphy

Either I need to find a way to accept that I had sex or I actually might get this done. I've been with a high number of partners, you won't even believe it, and it's very hard to come to terms with that. I feel like a Born-again virgin mentally although I am not physically. I really would give anything to call myself a virgin again and I don't even like thinking about the sex I've had. I don't feel I should live my life a non-virgin because of the mistakes I made, and to be honest I feel like telling people in the future that I am one. At the time of losing it I didn't care but I regret this more than my low marks I got in high school.

Anyways, any thoughts or this or anyone who feels the same way? If you have any regret from having sex how do you deal with that?

Sorry if this isn't the right forum or anything like that. I guess I just wanted to bring it up so people know about it. :)

[Guest]

While I can understand putting value on one's own virginity (I know it's immensely important for myself, despite not being female-bodied), I don't really get the value put on the existence of a half-square inch of skin on your vulva. Having that reconstructed won't undo having had sex, after all. Besides, some girls get born without it, or break it during sports or similar activity, and some rare hymens (hymina? whatevs :p) are flexible enough to not rupture even during PIV intercourse... so it's not like an intact hymen ever was a reliable indicator for anything, in the first place.

[The Great WTF]

Pretty much what Mysticus said. The hymen as a symbol of virginity is more urban legend with a bent of religion than reality anyway and the idea of going under the knife for such a thing, especially when I consider the history and mentality behind the operation's origins, really doesn't sit right with me. To each their own, of course.

I'll personally never regret the sex I've had. It was a choice in a moment of curiosity and I'm glad that I've had the experience.

[WhenSummersGone]

I feel like if I do it I will be able to get something back physically, if not the experiences. Although I was curious, after the first guy who was a jerk, it really wasn't something I wanted to do in the first place, and because I had low self-esteem and depression. I was just looking for attention and doing it for all the wrong reasons. To be honest I don't even know that person anymore and the whole thing seems like just a dream, or a nightmare.

[buttcheekasaurus-rex]

I feel like if I do it I will be able to get something back physically, if not the experiences. Although I was curious, after the first guy who was a jerk, it really wasn't something I wanted to do in the first place, and because I had low self-esteem and depression. I was just looking for attention and doing it for all the wrong reasons. To be honest I don't even know that person anymore and the whole thing seems like just a dream, or a nightmare.

That was basically my first boyfriend, and the only reason I had sex was because I thought it was mandatory. I wish I didn't do it, sometimes I think I would be much happier if I was still a virgin, but it was something that happened and can't be undone. It's something I find hard to live with but what's done it's done.

But it's your choice to make whatever you want with your body, but nothing will undo the fact that you had sex. And if you wish to continue with this procedure, I wish you the best of luck with it :)

[WhenSummersGone]

Thanks. Ya the memories of sex can't be erased from my mind, but if there's a chance to make me feel happier physically I should do it.

I'm not really sure where I can do this but I will look around, maybe a doctor where I live has done this. Explaining this to my parents will be difficult though since I'm living at home.

[Rising Sun]

Sorry if I don't sound comforting, but the problem seems that you regret to have had bad sexual experiences. And these experiences are memories, not a body part. Even with a new hymen, you won't forget those bad memories. Think well before you start an expensive surgery, because you might be disappointed.

[WhenSummersGone]

Sorry if I don't sound comforting, but the problem seems that you regret to have had bad sexual experiences. And these experiences are memories, not a body part. Even with a new hymen, you won't forget those bad memories. Think well before you start an expensive surgery, because you might be disappointed.

They were bad mistakes, for sure, but that's the regret part, the loss for me is the physical part of having sex. My hymen was intact when I lost it and it's something I can't get back on my own. If that makes sense.

I mean I probably will seek help to let go of all this, but I want the physical side of it back too.

[mausgrau]

First off, you are the only one that can and should decide what to do with your body. And if you feel you need to do something like this – well, you do you.

Now, I myself would feel extremely uncomfortable having such a procedure. There’s first the cultural ideas behind it, which are kinda icky to me, and then there’s the physical fact of actually having a doctor tinkering around and rearranging stuff down there. I could not imagine it for myself. But that’s personal. Still, if you’re seriously thinking about this, you should be aware that this would not be an easy shortcut to dealing with mental issues of low self-esteem and depression. There are other (maybe less circumstantial?) ways of healing you might want to consider.

[WhenSummersGone]

First off, you are the only one that can and should decide what to do with your body. And if you feel you need to do something like this well, you do you.

Now, I myself would feel extremely uncomfortable having such a procedure. Theres first the cultural ideas behind it, which are kinda icky to me, and then theres the physical fact of actually having a doctor tinkering around and rearranging stuff down there. I could not imagine it for myself. But thats personal. Still, if youre seriously thinking about this, you should be aware that this would not be an easy shortcut to dealing with mental issues of low self-esteem and depression. There are other (maybe less circumstantial?) ways of healing you might want to consider.

Thanks for understanding and that's true. I think before I 100% do this I will hear what they do and the risks involved. I know it won't fix the whole problem and maybe just half of it. I'm considering seeing someone about the emotional side of this.

Guys seemed to be so into breaking the hymen when it comes to virginity, as well as the sex part, and I feel getting it back would make me feel better about them. Like they didn't take anything from me. Sounds stupid, I know.

[tuvok]

As I read this it is a surgery to repair your hymen?

I do not have that but I am not sure what purpose that has unless you are trying to hide that you had sex before and fear your husband will kill you if there is no "evidence" your first night.

For a personal thing I don't see the point.

I didn't knew that being a virgin was that important but do you think that it makes you virgin if you take the surgery?

To me "virginity" has little meaning but it is "lost" when you have sex with someone.

It is a mental change that gives you perspective to what sex is from another view than observing.

I am afraid that you put too much importance into this.

I don't know much about sex so I'll stick with analogies...

When I was a kid the greatest thing in the world was math.

I grew older and when I was given the oppertunity I read calculus.

It totally changed my perspective on math and it was not as fun as it was as a kid.

Can I unlearn calculus? No.

I can burn my grades but I still know (mostly) about calculus.

To tell people I don't know calculus would be a lie to myself even if I don't want to discuss fourier with other people.

Life goes on and I know that calculus is a big part of my life and I have to be good at it to solve everyday problems.

If you are hunted everyday by this then maybe you should talk to someone because I don't see how that surgery would help you mentally.

[WhenSummersGone]

As I read this it is a surgery to repair your hymen?

I do not have that but I am not sure what purpose that has unless you are trying to hide that you had sex before and fear your husband will kill you if there is no "evidence" your first night.

For a personal thing I don't see the point.

I didn't knew that being a virgin was that important but do you think that it makes you virgin if you take the surgery?

To me "virginity" has little meaning but it is "lost" when you have sex with someone.

It is a mental change that gives you perspective to what sex is from another view than observing.

I am afraid that you put too much importance into this.

I don't know much about sex so I'll stick with analogies...

When I was a kid the greatest thing in the world was math.

I grew older and when I was given the oppertunity I read calculus.

It totally changed my perspective on math and it was not as fun as it was as a kid.

Can I unlearn calculus? No.

I can burn my grades but I still know (mostly) about calculus.

To tell people I don't know calculus would be a lie to myself even if I don't want to discuss fourier with other people.

Life goes on and I know that calculus is a big part of my life and I have to be good at it to solve everyday problems.

If you are hunted everyday by this then maybe you should talk to someone because I don't see how that surgery would help you mentally.

I'm just saying the surgery will help me physically. I mean people get plastic surgery all the time to make themselves feel better and I don't really see much of a difference. Would you tell those people to just accept how they look? The issue is a loss of virginity and to me it's physical. I feel if I do this I can at least get something back physically.

I just don't want to feel disgusted with my body since I have to live with it, and I'd rather have something there than nothing at all. This is more body dysphoria than a mental issue.

[PurebredMuggle]

Ok, I don't want to be insensitive here, I understand that this is causing you a lot of distress, but I can't help but feel that your pain is rooted in myths surrounding virginity and hymens. This link goes to Laci Green's video about misconceptions concerning this issue. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFojO8WkpA It's a sex education video so you should obviously be prepared that it's about sexual stuff and about having sex the first time. But in short the part I would like you to see is the part about the hymen not disappearing when you have sex, but actually just stretching, and it will tend to go back to the way it was if left untouched for a period of time. She has a lot of other educational sex positive videos that I thought are really insightful and interesting, and should be checked out even by asexual people.

I myself is in the technical sense of the word am a virgin, but I don't think of virginity as something more than just a concept that only exists in out collective minds. You could say I've rejected the term because I see now that despite all the baluba surrounding it it's inherently meaningless. In stead I prefer to say I haven't had my sexual debut, which to me is like not having gone sky diving. It' might be fun, it might be scary as hell, but either way I'm not planing on doing it any time soon because cake. (The word "virgin" and it's underlying meanings also makes me feel gross, but that's a discussion for another time.)

But this isn't really about my opinion on virginity, I'm just underlining that I think I coming from a completely different standpoint than what you are, and I'd like to understand you better. Why exactly is it that you place so much importance on being a "virgin"? Considering that the hymen can be "broken" during many sort of activities that does not have to include penetration (riding a bike can do it) depending on how thick or thin it is, I feel it's inaccurate to say it has anything to do with whether or not you've had sex. "Getting it back", (which I stated above will not be surgically necessary) will also not undo the fact that you did have sex..

Which brings me to the question: I noticed that you didn't mention weather or not you thought your sexual encounters were good, bad or just meh, but that you seam to put more emphasise on the fact that you've <b>had</b> sexual encounters and that they're many. What exactly is it about having had sex that makes you feel the way you do? (Don't feel as if you have to answer these questions right here in the forums. I just think you should consider them before doing something as drastic as surgery.) Is it that you feel that having had sex has somehow changed you fundamentally or something and now you're somehow wrong because of it? If so, why is that?

[Qutenkuddly]

I'm not sure we're really in a position to be really critical of someone's decision to have such a procedure done in order to reclaim a sense of virginity. Think about someone who has a tattoo removed or covered over. At one time, they made a choice that resulted in getting the tattoo in the first place, but since regret this mark and wish to remove it, especially if it is a reminder of a past they would like to separate themselves from. Would you fault someone for wanting a tattoo removed or covered over? Why should rebuilding a hymen, when done for such a reason, be any different? She's not thinking of doing this to meet someone else's expectations, after all.

[Guest]

Personally, I wouldn't do it. To me, a hymen means nothing. It's just a piece of skin that a lot of people lose naturally without sex. And it was pretty painful for it to break, so I certainly wouldn't want it to be a repeated process.

But, if it makes you feel better, it's your decision. It doesn't harm anyone else for you to get it done. So, our opinion on the matter doesn't really count. Do what makes YOU feel right and good about yourself.

[NamTar]

While I can understand putting value on one's own virginity (I know it's immensely important for myself, despite not being female-bodied), I don't really get the value put on the existence of a half-square inch of skin on your vulva. Having that reconstructed won't undo having had sex, after all. Besides, some girls get born without it, or break it during sports or similar activity, and some rare hymens (hymina? whatevs :P) are flexible enough to not rupture even during PIV intercourse... so it's not like an intact hymen ever was a reliable indicator for anything, in the first place.

This, so much. I cannot fathom why people put any value on this piece of skin. I think I didn't have one in the first place, or maybe I broke it with sports or using tampons before I ever had sex, but the only reason I can really understand being concerned about a hymen is if you have one that is super-unbreakable and won't let menstrual flow through or something, in which case, I could understand having a doctor remove it. Having a doctor sew it back together is something I can't really understand.

The only reason I've seen for people doing this were people in very religious societies who needed "evidence" or virginity upon marriage and would be subject to honor-killing if they could not provide such "evidence." (Which also shows a lack of understanding that not all women have one, or that women have theirs broken in other ways.)

[WhenSummersGone]

Ok, I don't want to be insensitive here, I understand that this is causing you a lot of distress, but I can't help but feel that your pain is rooted in myths surrounding virginity and hymens. This link goes to Laci Green's video about misconceptions concerning this issue. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFojO8WkpA It's a sex education video so you should obviously be prepared that it's about sexual stuff and about having sex the first time. But in short the part I would like you to see is the part about the hymen not disappearing when you have sex, but actually just stretching, and it will tend to go back to the way it was if left untouched for a period of time. She has a lot of other educational sex positive videos that I thought are really insightful and interesting, and should be checked out even by asexual people.

I myself is in the technical sense of the word am a virgin, but I don't think of virginity as something more than just a concept that only exists in out collective minds. You could say I've rejected the term because I see now that despite all the baluba surrounding it it's inherently meaningless. In stead I prefer to say I haven't had my sexual debut, which to me is like not having gone sky diving. It' might be fun, it might be scary as hell, but either way I'm not planing on doing it any time soon because cake. (The word "virgin" and it's underlying meanings also makes me feel gross, but that's a discussion for another time.)

But this isn't really about my opinion on virginity, I'm just underlining that I think I coming from a completely different standpoint than what you are, and I'd like to understand you better. Why exactly is it that you place so much importance on being a "virgin"? Considering that the hymen can be "broken" during many sort of activities that does not have to include penetration (riding a bike can do it) depending on how thick or thin it is, I feel it's inaccurate to say it has anything to do with whether or not you've had sex. "Getting it back", (which I stated above will not be surgically necessary) will also not undo the fact that you did have sex..

Which brings me to the question: I noticed that you didn't mention weather or not you thought your sexual encounters were good, bad or just meh, but that you seam to put more emphasise on the fact that you've <b>had</b> sexual encounters and that they're many. What exactly is it about having had sex that makes you feel the way you do? (Don't feel as if you have to answer these questions right here in the forums. I just think you should consider them before doing something as drastic as surgery.) Is it that you feel that having had sex has somehow changed you fundamentally or something and now you're somehow wrong because of it? If so, why is that?

I guess why I want this done, mostly, was because at age 17 I felt the guy manipulated me and almost forced himself on me. I was young and a virgin and I think that's the only thing he cared about.

This is the weird part, we didn't have sex. My hymen broke because he fingered me roughly. He even made a huge deal that there was blood on his fingers afterwards. Almost like he got off on it and this may be way I'm focusing on the hymen part rather than the sex part.

I felt I couldn't get a man's attention unless it was sexual. The sex I had after was more my choice than having my hymen broken. Of course I could just say to myself that he was a jerk but he took "this" from me. Looking back I should have told him to stop, but I was young.

I'm focusing on this part and want this done to make me feel better about him. I guess maybe I'm still under stress and trauma over it. I have a good memory and it feels like it happened yesterday rather than 10 years ago. The only positive that came from this was when I had sex the first time it didn't hurt, because he already took that part from me.

I'm not sure there's much more to add. To me this has less to do with the choices I made, although they were stupid, and more the above situation at 17. I feel I can accept my stupid choices but this other part wasn't me being stupid, more manipulated into something I wasn't ready for at all. I'm starting to think this event caused my depression and had no respect for my body because I hated it.

Also I'm sorry if this is too deep to discuss on a forum.

I'm not sure we're really in a position to be really critical of someone's decision to have such a procedure done in order to reclaim a sense of virginity. Think about someone who has a tattoo removed or covered over. At one time, they made a choice that resulted in getting the tattoo in the first place, but since regret this mark and wish to remove it, especially if it is a reminder of a past they would like to separate themselves from. Would you fault someone for wanting a tattoo removed or covered over? Why should rebuilding a hymen, when done for such a reason, be any different? She's not thinking of doing this to meet someone else's expectations, after all.

Thanks for understanding. I mostly want to do it for myself, to maybe cope with a bad situation or just a way of starting over.

[Guest]

I'm not sure we're really in a position to be really critical of someone's decision to have such a procedure done in order to reclaim a sense of virginity. Think about someone who has a tattoo removed or covered over. At one time, they made a choice that resulted in getting the tattoo in the first place, but since regret this mark and wish to remove it, especially if it is a reminder of a past they would like to separate themselves from. Would you fault someone for wanting a tattoo removed or covered over? Why should rebuilding a hymen, when done for such a reason, be any different? She's not thinking of doing this to meet someone else's expectations, after all.

Sure. And I wouldn't want my post to mean "OMGWTFBBQ don't do it, are you stoopid!?", sorry if it came across that way. Of course it's WSG's right to have this surgery if she wants it... I just can't relate to why there's a big enough deal about this flap of skin to seek out surgery over it.

[Cyla]

It's your body and you can have done whatever you want with it, but like many others it raises a lot of questions from my end. I don't understand the need to have it if emotionally you have accomplished what you wanted. People loose they hymens over tampons, masturbation, bike/horse riding, or other physical activities. If you lost your hymen earlier due to sports or whatever would you still want this done? What if the night you're talking about your hymen did not tear (there is no 'breaking' or 'popping' of the hymen, only stretching which can tear as well) but lost it later due to sports? What if the doctor says that for whatever reason you are not a candidate for the procedure you want? I guess what I am getting at is that I don't want you to feel any less of a "born again virgin" if the situations were different or if you cannot have the procedure done. It's all mental and how you feel on the inside.

[WhenSummersGone]

It's your body and you can have done whatever you want with it, but like many others it raises a lot of questions from my end. I don't understand the need to have it if emotionally you have accomplished what you wanted. People loose they hymens over tampons, masturbation, bike/horse riding, or other physical activities. If you lost your hymen earlier due to sports or whatever would you still want this done? What if the night you're talking about your hymen did not tear (there is no 'breaking' or 'popping' of the hymen, only stretching which can tear as well) but lost it later due to sports? What if the doctor says that for whatever reason you are not a candidate for the procedure you want? I guess what I am getting at is that I don't want you to feel any less of a "born again virgin" if the situations were different or if you cannot have the procedure done. It's all mental and how you feel on the inside.

I don't mean to be rude but if you read my earlier post you would see that I did NOT want my hymen broken, at all. It wasn't a choice I made and I didn't go into the date expected the guy to do that to me. It was fully intact before and if it didn't hurt at all then I know it wasn't because of him, but it was. If it did break from something else like sports then I wouldn't be so interested in getting this done. It's a loss to me, not just something that happened. I'm starting to wonder if this experience counts as sexual assault.

I think by wanting this surgery says my issue is about this experience, rather than the mistakes I made after it.

[trumpetchick]

I think that the hymen's a bit overrated and overglorified and the surgery might be a bit pricey, but if it's something you want to do, go for it.

[MenthaPiperita]

Here's my perspective: I regret some past sexual experiences I've had (or at least attempts at sex), but no amount of tinkering with my body will change that. All I can do now is work on my attitude to those experiences and emotionally heal from them.

Here's another way to look at it (again, from my perspective): I have some much more obvious (to the outside world) physical traits that I hate. I mean, really hate. But I still wouldn't submit to plastic surgery to change them. My body will go through lots of and lots of changes - some I might like, some I might not - no matter how much I try to manipulate it. So if I don't learn to love and appreciate my body no matter what it looks like, I will never be completely happy. I'm working on it. If I don't learn to love an appreciate myself no matter what I've done, I'll never be completely happy. I'm working on that too. But no surgery can ever help me with any of this.

You mentioned having body dysphoria. There are less extreme ways to work a physical component into your emotional recovery. Have you considered doing some kind of ritual? Maybe a healing meditation that involves full-body movement (not just sitting and breathing), or a spell that requires certain rhythmic movements, or embodied prayer, or maybe even something like a sweat lodge ceremony? None of those will literally reconstruct your hymen, of course, but they might help you get in touch with your body and learn to feel better about it and see it as miraculous... instead of seeing part of it as "broken" or "lost".

This is just something else to consider. I'm not saying don't do the surgery. But even if you do, it's likely that you'll still have difficult, messy, emotional stuff to deal with. So, my hope is that you'll focus mostly on that stuff, and if you decide to have the surgery, it will only be viewed as a compliment to your recovery - not the solution to your problems.

[Cyla]

I don't mean to be rude but if you read my earlier post you would see that I did NOT want my hymen broken, at all. It wasn't a choice I made and I didn't go into the date expected the guy to do that to me. It was fully intact before and if it didn't hurt at all then I know it wasn't because of him, but it was. If it did break from something else like sports then I wouldn't be so interested in getting this done. It's a loss to me, not just something that happened. I'm starting to wonder if this experience counts as sexual assault.

I didn't get the chance to read all the posts earlier, so I'm sorry if I missed something. And while you alone get to decide what you experinced was sexual assault, sexual assault is when anything sexual happens to you without your consent. If from what you said happened to me, I could personally view it as rape since he inserted an object in me without me consenting (in this case his fingers, does not have to be a penis for rape in my book.) I hate to use such strong words, but that is how I read it. But only you get to decide what your experiences are and how you define them. We just want you to make the best decision for you and it not be based at all on societies obsession with in tact hymens as a sign of virginity.

[WhenSummersGone]

Thanks for the replies. I do appreciate the advice and maybe it's just harder for me to accept, because I didn't want it. Not just mentally but physically. As I remember what happened I was in too much of a shock to say anything. I didn't give him any indication that I was into that so I have no idea why he did.

I think for me, since something broke without actual sex, that that is the reason why I'm considering doing this. I can deal with the other regret of having sex, because those were my dumb choices, but this feels like something I can't get back. Almost like I feel incomplete without it, that how I feel inside doesn't look like it physically.

I have compared this almost to getting a sex change. It doesn't erase all those years you were a different sex, what you were born as, but in the future it will make you feel better. I'm also sure some have gotten a sex change then changed back.

I just don't feel that accepting my experiences that I chose to do will make me feel better about something physical I can't get back, in this one experience that I wasn't hoping for.

I talked about this surgery with my dad tonight and he's actually really supportive, so at least I have him on board if not my mom.

[WhenSummersGone]

Ok, I don't want to be insensitive here, I understand that this is causing you a lot of distress, but I can't help but feel that your pain is rooted in myths surrounding virginity and hymens. This link goes to Laci Green's video about misconceptions concerning this issue. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qFojO8WkpA It's a sex education video so you should obviously be prepared that it's about sexual stuff and about having sex the first time. But in short the part I would like you to see is the part about the hymen not disappearing when you have sex, but actually just stretching, and it will tend to go back to the way it was if left untouched for a period of time.

Are you saying that it might break again or is that part kind of over? Sorry I didn't reply to this part earlier. It's been almost 6 years since the last time, but if actually leaving it for a long time helps I might consider that option. If not I might still look into the surgery to see what they do though.

[PurebredMuggle]

First of all, I'm sorry that happened to you! It was in no way, shape or form your fault, the guy in question should have been more mindful of your emotional needs rather than his own quest to "take it from you". If you didn't want that done to you, even if you didn't express it out loud, then it still sure sounds like sexual assault, but that's up to you to decide. His attitude towards the fact that you hadn't had your sexual debut yet is quite frankly gross and is sadly one that is quite common. I assure you nothing was taken from you, and he certainly didn't gain anything meaningful by doing that other than a false sense of masculinity.

You bled because he actually physically hurt you, and that should not have happened if precautions were made for you to be physically and emotionally ready for sex. The hymen is a thin membrane that stretches during penetration, and it doesn't need to be broken for sex to happen. If you check "hymen" on wikipedia it say it may go back to the way it was before if given enough time, even after childbirth. But if anything as simple as exercising can still change it's form or cause damage to it I don't know what good surgery would do. Wiki even says that because of it's properties it's impossible to determine whether or not someone has had sex just by checking if it's still intact. So in a way, I guess it could still be stretched or broken again, but that depends on how elastic, or thick it is and even how much you move your body. Every body is different, and I myself can't remember ever feeling something even resembling a hymen in my vaginal opening, and I started examining my own body at a very early age, before my first period at age 11. As far as I know, it might not have been there in the first place, and I've never had sex with anyone.

In the end when all is said and done, going through with the surgery is your choice. I can't say I understand why you place so much value on the hymen being in tact, but I imagine this is something that you feel is like an act of taking back the control of your own body after experiencing having that control taken from you. There might be better ways of doing that, but if surgery is the way for you I hope you'll get all the support you need! Kudos to your dad for being understanding!

Edit for clarification: I just want to ad that bleeding does not necessarily have to come from the hymen, tears in the vaginal wall can also do that. There just a lot of misconceptions and old, myths surrounding people with vaginas having sex for the first time. It's just... ugh.

[cemeterywitch]

I was just ranting about this concept last night to my SO.

There should not be any tearing or blood during sex or sexual things and if there is you need to go to a hospital. It makes me so angry that we're taught as females that blood should be expected and that after you have sex you're worthless. None of that is true!!!

There needs to be more true sex education and these myths need to stop being taught.

Laci Green said it best in her video.

Your hymen is not supposed to be gone. It's still there.

[WhenSummersGone]

These were helpful, thanks. I wonder if there's a way for a doctor to even check my hymen, because if it looks anything like a virgin one or it's gone back a lot then maybe won't bother. 6 years is a long time since the last time I had sex.

For me I think it definitely would be taking back some control, maybe not all but physically at least. To feel like he took nothing from me that night. Even just to experience it again with someone who actually loves and respects me. Oh and doesn't just wait 20 minutes into a date to put his hands on me.

[RD_the]

What it comes down to in my mind is this: If you think it will help you find peace about the traumatic event that happened to you, then you should do it.

For myself I agree with the people who say that the hymen shouldn't matter. However, that doesn't mean that there isn't a cultural tradition that can lead to a genuinely felt emotional attachment to that concept of virginity, purity, and bodily autonomy. If I am reading you properly, I think that the last one is what you are after. How I understand what you are saying is that you feel that the violent and forced breaking of your hymen has put part of your body and your life in the control of someone else. You feel like a part of you isn't your own anymore, and you feel that going through with this surgery would give you that control and ownership back. Is that more or less right?

I don't like the surgery attempting to "restore" some idea of "purity" because I reject the idea that a woman's moral or personal character is tied to the act of sex, and I very much dislike the idea that a thin flap of skin is the measure of that moral and personal character. I also dislike the idea of unnecessary surgery.

However, that being said, I do not categorize plastic surgery to help a survivor of a violent act, accident, or otherwise disfiguring event (ie/ burn victims) to be unnecessary in the slightest. You want this to restore your feelings of control and personhood. That is not unnecessary.

I don't think that the surgery is going to be the whole story for you. I think you will need additional treatment for the emotional and mental effects of what you have gone through. The physical is only one part of this. However, if you feel that the surgery will assist you on the path to healing and personal peace (and you are financially able to go through with it), then you should do it.

[WhenSummersGone]

What it comes down to in my mind is this: If you think it will help you find peace about the traumatic event that happened to you, then you should do it.

For myself I agree with the people who say that the hymen shouldn't matter. However, that doesn't mean that there isn't a cultural tradition that can lead to a genuinely felt emotional attachment to that concept of virginity, purity, and bodily autonomy. If I am reading you properly, I think that the last one is what you are after. How I understand what you are saying is that you feel that the violent and forced breaking of your hymen has put part of your body and your life in the control of someone else. You feel like a part of you isn't your own anymore, and you feel that going through with this surgery would give you that control and ownership back. Is that more or less right?

I don't like the surgery attempting to "restore" some idea of "purity" because I reject the idea that a woman's moral or personal character is tied to the act of sex, and I very much dislike the idea that a thin flap of skin is the measure of that moral and personal character. I also dislike the idea of unnecessary surgery.

However, that being said, I do not categorize plastic surgery to help a survivor of a violent act, accident, or otherwise disfiguring event (ie/ burn victims) to be unnecessary in the slightest. You want this to restore your feelings of control and personhood. That is not unnecessary.

I don't think that the surgery is going to be the whole story for you. I think you will need additional treatment for the emotional and mental effects of what you have gone through. The physical is only one part of this. However, if you feel that the surgery will assist you on the path to healing and personal peace (and you are financially able to go through with it), then you should do it.

Thank you very much and yes, what you said about me is correct. I have admitted in this topic that I will talk to someone about moving on from the mistakes I made, so it's not like I'm going to be completely ok if I have the surgery done, but at least I could get something back from the experience. As I've gotten deeper into my feelings in this topic that maybe it is a control thing for myself. I mean if I lost it by my choice, in a relationship during sex, it probably wouldn't be such a huge deal.